The Joke Thread (the sequel)



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Original post

Posted by Ernis, 26.07.2008 - 19:54
Reopening of the joke thread....

An old lady goes to the priest and tells him: "Oh, I've got such a problem with my parrot. All the time my parrot keeps repeating this hideous line "Hello! I'm the slut Lola from Broadway!""
The priest answers: "How awful indeed. Wait, bring your parrot to me and I'll put the bird into one cage with my two parrots. You see my parrots never speak dirty things. They just pray all the time."
The old lady brings her parrot to the priest and they put the bird inside the cage where the two other parrots are praying.
"Hello, I'm the slut Lola from Broadway!"
"Brother, God has finally answered our prayers!"


A homosexualist and a sadist are playing cards. They've decided that whoever wins can do whatever he wants to the other.
Homosexualist wins the first game and as a prize he can fuck the sadist from front and hind and from all directions.
The second time the sadist wins the game and he locks the fag's dick in vise and then brings a hacksaw.
The fag starts begging: "Are you crazy?! Don't do that?"
"Do what? I amn't gonna do anything! You are! Meanwhile I'll take my leave and set this house on fire."


Two patients in a hospital room. Although they are so exhausted and can barely speak they try to get to know each other.
"Sam"
"Ed"
"Smith"
"Johnson"
"Forty-six"
"Fifty-eight"
"cancer"
"aquarius"


A drunk guy arrives home really late. He hears the clock strike three. "I know it's one o'clock! You don't need to tell me this three times!"


A romantic evening. The girl asks the guy: "Darling, say something warm to me."

(thinking pause)


"Central heating..."
07.04.2016 - 22:54
Enteroctopus
What's a zebra's favorite band? The White Stripes
Santa's favorite band? Slayer

..think about it
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17.06.2016 - 23:39
Karlabos
Weirdo of MS
" Careful with that chainsaw " - said he offhandedly.

" I like modern painting " - said he abstractly.

" I'll have a martini, please " - said he drily.

" I bet you never saw one this big" - said he cockly.

Tom swiftie puns anyone?
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2016 - 2017
2018 - 2019
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24.08.2016 - 01:26
Metren
Donkey Hotte
"Grandma, grandma, may I jump up and down in the graveyard?"

"Over my dead body!"

"Yes."

***

Don't judge the foreign kid, who made your Nike footwear, not until you've walked a mile in his shoes.
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I am not nor have I ever been a musician or a member of a one-man band, especially a band that has a name that starts with "D".
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24.08.2016 - 03:16
Metren
Donkey Hotte
Some more awful (probably not original, but I haven't heard them before) puns:

Went to see my friend at the calendar factory last tuesday. I noticed that the calendars he'd made had no wednesday. "What the hell is this?" I asked him. "I'm sorry," he said. "I'm just in a real hurry, been making calendars like there's no tomorrow."

***

My brother wanted to open a zoo, featuring tons of apes. I said no, I haven't got the time for monkey business.

***

Why couldn't NASA make The Challanger space shuttle safe? I mean, it's not rocket science.

***

"Puppet looking for a realdoll for no strings attached sex."

***

Donald Trump's favorite Pink Floyd album? Pfft... too easy, you can guess this from several miles away.

***

A CSI Miami joke:

"Sir, we found four people dead at a Japanese Cosplay Convention!"

"I guess that, was their..."



"Final Fantasy."

YEEEAAAAHHHHH!

***

"I can't believe he scored more goals in a season than I did! I can't believe it! I can't believe he scored so many goals, I never scored so many goals a season..."

"Shut up, you sound like a broken record."

***

When latex rubber dolls want to practice safe sex, do they use a condom made of flesh?

***

Stole a lady's purse once, she chased me for miles. Gave her a run for her money.

***

Is it OK to mock the colorblind? Maybe, maybe not, I think it's a grey area.

***

I guess I showed my true colors with that last joke.


That's all, folks!!!
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I am not nor have I ever been a musician or a member of a one-man band, especially a band that has a name that starts with "D".
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26.08.2016 - 19:08
Metren
Donkey Hotte
OK... one last attempt to revitalize this thread... and this is probably the best and also lamest pun I've ever come up with...


Disappointed U2 fan invents automated knife to stab band members.
Police refer to the confiscated weapon as "cutting edge technology".

Badum! Tss!
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I am not nor have I ever been a musician or a member of a one-man band, especially a band that has a name that starts with "D".
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06.11.2016 - 19:30
Bad English
Masterchief
Mr. Bear and Mr. Rabbit didn't like each other very much and one day, whilst they were walking through the woods they came across a golden frog. The frog turned to them and said: "Ooh, I don't often meet anyone in these parts." They were amazed that the frog had talked to them.

The golden frog admitted: "Mind you, when I do meet someone I always give them six wishes. You can have three wishes each in this case.

Mr. Bear immediately wished that all the other bears in the forest were females. The frog granted his wish.

Mr. Rabbit, after thinking for a while, wished for a crash helmet. One appeared immediately, and he placed it on his head.

Mr. Bear was amazed at Mr. Rabbit's wish, but carried on with his second wish. He wished that all the bears in the neighboring forests were females as well, and the frog granted his wish.

Mr. Rabbit then wished for a motorcycle. It appeared before him, and he climbed on board and started revving the engine.

Mr. Bear could not believe it and complained that Mr. Rabbit had wasted two wishes that he could have had for himself. Shaking his head, Mr. Bear made his final wish, that all the other bears in the world were females as well, leaving him as the only male bear in the world.

The frog replied that it had been done, and they both turned to Mr. Rabbit for his last wish.

Mr. Rabbit revved the engine, thought for a second, then said: "I wish that Mr. Bear was gay!" and rode off as fast as he could
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Life is to short for LOVE, there is many great things to do online !!!

Stormtroopers of Death - ''Speak English or Die''

I better die, because I never will learn speek english, so I choose dieing
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12.11.2016 - 17:44
Azarath
deficient
Written by Metren on 24.08.2016 at 03:16

Donald Trump's favorite Pink Floyd album? Pfft... too easy, you can guess this from several miles away.

A Momentary Lapse of Reason?
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18.11.2016 - 19:26
Haddock666
Who is Iron Man's wife? Iron Maiden.
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12.01.2017 - 16:06
Karlabos
Weirdo of MS
A man walks into a bar and asks: "A cuba libre, please."
The waiter responds: "We are kinda lacking ingredients... Is pepsi ok"?
"Sure" answers the man

The waiter opens a pepsi and a coke and mixes it up on the man's cup.
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2016 - 2017
2018 - 2019
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13.04.2017 - 04:08
Metren
Donkey Hotte
Some fucking awful puns born from my up-too-late state of mind...

I wouldn't be good at archery, not by a long shot.

I made a plan to castrate my neighbor, but I wasn't able to pull it off.

Apparently, the greatest orgy of all time was just performed by 20 000 gay guys. Somebody needs to set the record straight.

When Britain left the EU, it was called Brexit. The EU will be fine again if Finland leaves it though, that will Fixit.

What's Arjen Robben's theme song? Let's just say he's been down too long in the midnight sea...

My son once asked me: "Dad, do you ever wonder if famous musicians have orgies amongst themselves? Like, has anyone ever Akerfeldt Mikael's Akercocke?" And I was like: "I don't think anyone has yet, but soon Steven will, son."

I honestly can't see the benefits of invisibility cloaks.

A shark missing its fins went to search for them in Finland, but all he found was tails from the thousand lakes.

And finally...

Nothing pisses me off more than when people don't finish their
----
I am not nor have I ever been a musician or a member of a one-man band, especially a band that has a name that starts with "D".
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15.04.2017 - 00:28
Metren
Donkey Hotte
As far as ancestral species go, I really really like habilis, neanderthalensis and erectus.



No homo.
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I am not nor have I ever been a musician or a member of a one-man band, especially a band that has a name that starts with "D".
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17.04.2017 - 17:26
Metren
Donkey Hotte
Someone gave the letters "H" "S" "T" and "I" and told me to make a word. This is the result.



And to be honest, it's shit.
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I am not nor have I ever been a musician or a member of a one-man band, especially a band that has a name that starts with "D".
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17.04.2017 - 17:43
Metren
Donkey Hotte
Here's one for my fellow Witcher fans:

"Did you know that Vesemir's great grandfather was 7 feet tall?"
"No, Geralt, I didn't know that."
"And did you know that there are one hundred and seventeen herbalists keeping shops in Vizima?"
"No, Geralt, I didn't know that either."
"Did you know then, that Kaer Morhen's south-side wall has 439 stones in it?"
"No... I didn't..."




Geralt of Trivia.
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I am not nor have I ever been a musician or a member of a one-man band, especially a band that has a name that starts with "D".
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12.06.2019 - 19:16
Metren
Donkey Hotte
No joke here, just my favorite verse from The Book Of Genesis:

"Stop dreaming of becoming the lead vocalist and go back to practicing on Your little drumset, Phil!"
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I am not nor have I ever been a musician or a member of a one-man band, especially a band that has a name that starts with "D".
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12.06.2019 - 19:22
JoHn DoE
Written by Azarath on 12.11.2016 at 17:44

Written by Metren on 24.08.2016 at 03:16

Donald Trump's favorite Pink Floyd album? Pfft... too easy, you can guess this from several miles away.

A Momentary Lapse of Reason?


this is funny!
Lame U2 joke
Why couldn't U2 find what they were looking for?
Because the streets have no name...
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12.06.2019 - 19:30
Metren
Donkey Hotte
Written by JoHn DoE on 12.06.2019 at 19:22

Lame U2 joke
Why couldn't U2 find what they were looking for?
Because the streets have no name...


Quality pun. Should have thought of that one myself, dang it...

I'll compensate with a lame Radiohead joke:

OK Computer is Radiohead's best album, No Surprises there...
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I am not nor have I ever been a musician or a member of a one-man band, especially a band that has a name that starts with "D".
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12.09.2019 - 16:45
Metren
Donkey Hotte
Japanese scientists invent self-destructive origami.

More news coming as the story unfolds.
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I am not nor have I ever been a musician or a member of a one-man band, especially a band that has a name that starts with "D".
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12.09.2019 - 17:58
Troy Killjoy
perfunctionist
Written by Metren on 12.09.2019 at 16:45

Japanese scientists invent self-destructive origami.

More news coming as the story unfolds.

I bet the reaction to that story will be nuclear.
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I have no memory of this place.
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12.09.2019 - 18:06
Metren
Donkey Hotte
Written by Troy Killjoy on 12.09.2019 at 17:58

I bet the reaction to that story will be nuclear.


You've won the bet and receive five awesomes. Unfortunately, the awesomes are useless. They can only be traded for fifty kinda awesomes and nothing else. Matters.
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I am not nor have I ever been a musician or a member of a one-man band, especially a band that has a name that starts with "D".
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