Freudian Slip
Two men are sitting next to each other on a train, both with black eyes. Naturally curious, the first man looks at the other and says,

"So, how'd you get the black eye?"

The other guy responds, "Well, it was a freudian slip."

"What's that?" the first asks

"It's when you mean to say one thing but say another that exposes what you thought." answers the second

Then the first guys waits a second and asks, "Oh. So what happened?"

"Well, i was buying my ticket for the train, and the woman at the desk had the biggest boobs i'd ever seen. So, when i meant to say 'two tickets to pittsburgh', i accidentally said 'two pickets to tittsburgh', hence the black eye."

And so the first guy responds. "You know, that's weird, something very similar happened to me. This morning, I was eating breakfast with my wife, and i meant to say "could you pass the jam", but i accidentally said, "you ruined my life you stupid whore."

oh shit i didn't see this topic, maybe that's why wrathchild deleted mine ^^

Drinking Partners
A cowgirl walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud.

She sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When she finishes them, she comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells the cowgirl, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."

The cowgirl replies, "Well, you see, I have two sisters. One is in Australia, the other is in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my sisters and one for myself." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The cowgirl becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. She orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.

One day, she comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When she comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."

The cowgirl looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in her eyes and she laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," she explains, "It's just that my husband and I joined the church and I had to quit drinking. Hasn't affected my sisters, though."

Any blondes here will have to forgive me... I love blonde jokes the way I love sexist jokes. I don't *always* mean it.

Anyway...
Who would win in a race -- Santa Claus, a smart blonde, or a brunette?
-The brunette, because the first two don't exist.

Written by Deadgirl on 26.07.2008 at 20:38

Any blondes here will have to forgive me... I love blonde jokes the way I love sexist jokes. I don't *always* mean it.

ditto.

How do you make a blonde laugh on Friday?
Tell her a joke on Monday!

Complaint
A blonde stormed up to the front desk of a library and said, "I have a complaint!"

"Yes, ma'am?"

"I borrowed a book last week and it was horrible!"

"What was wrong with it?"

"It had way too many characters and there was no plot whatsoever!"

The librarian nodded and said, "Ah. So you must be the person who took our phone book."

Blonde Bombshell
Q: What should you do if a blonde throws a pin at you?

A: Run like hell?she's got a grenade in her mouth.

Heheh, quite a good start guys & girl OK, I wont come empty handed, either:

The guy is eating soup in a restaurant, and after a few seconds of gazing in his plate, he starts shouting:
"Waiter, waiter!!"
The waiter comes instantly and replies:
"What do you need sir, is there something wrong??"
"Yes, there is, there is a fly in my soup!!"
"Oh, sorry sir, but we're run out of cockroaches."

a cannibal boy to his cannibal dad, pointing at an airplane:
"daddy what's that?"
"it's an airplane, son!"
"wow.. do you eat it?"
"well son, the shell is actually hard and nasty, but the inside is delicious..."

a dude asks his lawyer:
"so, how much do you charge?"
"well, 10.000 $ for three questions."
"isn't that a bit much?"
"nah, not really. so.......what's your third question?"

Yay, good start xD, specially the blonde-jokes.

Here's mine:

Jeremy was in his math-class and the teacher say:
- I'm gonna do some simple questions, if you find 4 birds on a tree and you shoot one with a gun.. How many there are left?
Jeremy raise quickly his hand and say:
- Zero, Miss!!! Because if you kill one, the others will fly away...
The teacher laughs and say:
-Well.. that wasn't the correct answer, but I like how you think!
The whole class laugh at him and he feels embarrassed and say:
- Ok Miss, I have a question for you: 3 women are sitting on a bench eating ice-cream. The first one lick it, the second one bite it and the third one suck it... Who is married?!
The teacher blushed and say:
- Errrr.... The one who suck at the ice-cream...?



Jeremy laughs and say:
- No Miss, is the one who have the ring on her finger... But I like how YOU think!

Written by X-Ray Rod on 28.07.2008 at 17:38

Yay, good start xD, specially the nolde-jokes.

Here's mine:

Jeremy was in his math-class and the teacher say:
- I'm gonna do some simple questions, if you find 4 birds on a tree and you shoot one with a gun.. How many there are left?
Jeremy raise quickly his hand and say:
- Zero, Miss!!! Because if you kill one, the others will fly away...
The teacher laughs and say:
-Well.. that wasn't the correct answer, but I like how you think!
The whole class laugh at him and he feels embarrassed and say:
- Ok Miss, I have a question for you: 3 women are sitting on a bench eating ice-cream. The first one lick it, the second one bite it and the third one suck it... Who is married?!
The teacher blushed and say:
- Errrr.... The one who suck at the ice-cream...?
Jeremy laughs and say:
- No Miss, is the one who have the ring on her finger... But I like how YOU think!

this one was great!

These are the jokes that I remembered from work yesterday. I worked at gun show, and to be honest I was surprised at how pun-tastic the people there were. As it turns out, midwest arms exhibitors are a rather amusing group.

A man's wife is very good at English, and he overhears her one day telling her friends that he is a "model husband." At first he thinks this is a complement, but for some reason his wife and all her friends laugh at the comment, so he consults the dictionary only to find that "model" means "a small or miniature version of something."

A drunken man is driving down the road, swerving left and right and all over the place. A police notices him and starts to follow, but the guy is so drunk that he won't pull over, he just kept driving until eventually he hits something and comes to a stop.
The officer walks up to the window of his car and says "What is wrong with you!? You could have killed someone!! Do you even know that your wife fell out of the car seven blocks back??"
To which the drunk man replies, "Oh, thank god! I'm so relieved -- I was afraid I'd gone deaf!"

A man pulls out a credit card to pay for his food.
cashier: I'm sorry, this stand is cash only.
customer: Oh, so you won't take my credit?
cashier: No, I'm sorry.
The man smiles as he takes out a cash note to pay instead.
customer: That's okay, everyone else already does.
(^-- We both - the cashier and myself - stood there looking confused at each other for like 20 seconds after that guy left before we got the pun. lol)

Written by Deadgirl on 28.07.2008 at 20:56

A man pulls out a credit card to pay for his food.
cashier: I'm sorry, this stand is cash only.
customer: Oh, so you won't take my credit?
cashier: No, I'm sorry.
The man smiles as he takes out a cash note to pay instead.
customer: That's okay, everyone else already does.
(^-- We both - the cashier and myself - stood there looking confused at each other for like 20 seconds after that guy left before we got the pun. lol)

what was that about? i mean, it was about taking him seriously or something?

Written by Valentin B on 29.07.2008 at 01:19

Written by Deadgirl on 28.07.2008 at 20:56

A man pulls out a credit card to pay for his food.
cashier: I'm sorry, this stand is cash only.
customer: Oh, so you won't take my credit?
cashier: No, I'm sorry.
The man smiles as he takes out a cash note to pay instead.
customer: That's okay, everyone else already does.
(^-- We both - the cashier and myself - stood there looking confused at each other for like 20 seconds after that guy left before we got the pun. lol)

what was that about? i mean, it was about taking him seriously or something?

It was a pun about other people taking his credit -> taking credit for things he had done.

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a Chevrolet Corvette?
(...)
A: Not everyone can ride a Corvette

*wind blows*
I know, bad joke

Here is the oldest joke in the world, which was written in Sumeria in 1900 BCE.

Something which has never occurred since time immemorial: a young woman did not fart in her husband's lap

After Adam and Eve were fired from heaven:
Adam went out to find something for dinner... When he came back, he knocked the door. "Whose there?" Eve said. And then Adam answered "Did you expect someone else but me???"



Attention: Adam and Eve were the first and 2econd humankind...

A guy's speaking to a co-worker.
"You imagine, I came home very late last night and when I got to bed I discovered that there was an unknown man sleeping with my wife in our bed."
"Oh my! What happened then?"
"Well, I was wrong....this wasn't an unknown man. It was just an old friend of mine."

Written by Guest on 03.08.2008 at 18:18

Here is the oldest joke in the world, which was written in Sumeria in 1900 BCE.

Something which has never occurred since time immemorial: a young woman did not fart in her husband's lap

thats weird, i swear i read that somewhere the other day..i cant remember though

Written by Necrogeddon on 05.08.2008 at 17:49

Written by Guest on 03.08.2008 at 18:18

Here is the oldest joke in the world, which was written in Sumeria in 1900 BCE.

Something which has never occurred since time immemorial: a young woman did not fart in her husband's lap

thats weird, i swear i read that somewhere the other day..i cant remember though

Yeah, I got it from the BBC news website.

Money Joke:

Dear Dad,

$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o you would like, you can $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.

Love,
Your $on

***

Dear Son,

I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. do NOt forget that gaining kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.

Love,
Dad

Written by Hamird on 06.08.2008 at 15:20

Money Joke:

Dear Dad,

$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o you would like, you can $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.

Love,
Your $on

***

Dear Son,

I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. do NOt forget that gaining kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.

Love,
Dad

Heheh, I know that one, good one indeed!

A guy comes home and discovers his wife in bed with his friend. He draws out his gun and kills his friend. The wife wakes up and says: "You know, you're gonna lose all your friends if you keep acting like that."

Written by Ernis on 12.08.2008 at 00:46

A guy comes home and discovers his wife in bed with his friend. He draws out his gun and kills his friend. The wife wakes up and says: "You know, you're gonna lose all your friends if you keep acting like that."

So he must kill his wife, not to lose all his friends...

Written by Hamird on 12.08.2008 at 08:55



So he must kill his wife, not to lose all his friends...

Exactly my thought tbh...

An old woman lies on her deathbed. Her husband sits next to her and holds her hand. The woman tries to say something, but her husband tells her:
- Sss, be quiet honey, just try to rest.
The dying woman tries to speak again and again and finally succeeds:
- Before I go... I need to tell... You something... I slept with your best friend... and your older brother... and your younger brother also...
- Sss honey, never mind, I know about everything. - says the husband kindly to her - Why do you think did I put arsenic in your tee?

The wife complains to her husband:
- In the old days you used to call me your queen, but now you don't even have one gentle word for me.
- That is correct. - answers the husband - You know, since the queen stopped cooking and ironing my clothes, I decided to live in democracy.

In school the teacher is asking the children about their mothers job. The first one is a doctor, the second a manager and so on. When the teacher asks little Billy he says:
- My mother is a whore.
- What are you saying?! Go to the headmasters office NOW and tell him that too!
Billy goes to the heamaster and returns after a while. The teacher asks him:
- So what did the headmaster say?
- He said that in an economic viewpoint every job is usefull, then gave me an apple and asked for our telephone number.

The father is lecturing his son:
- You know son, the big problem with our world is that the stupid people are always sure of themselves and the clever ones are always in doubt.
- Really, dad?
- Well of course!

Written by Guest on 15.08.2008 at 16:42

The father is lecturing his son:
- You know son, the big problem with our world is that the stupid people are always sure of themselves and the clever ones are always in doubt.
- Really, dad?
- Well of course!

i knew something like: "in my scientific research, i have found that only complete idiots have no doubts." "are you sure?" "100% sure" lol


an arab prince had a 50 cm dick, but his wife thought it was too big, so he visits the local wise man and asks him what to do. he tells him to go to the forest and there he will find the Holy Virgin Squirrel, he has to ask her to have sex with him and every time she refuses his dick will magically get smaller by 10 cm. so he goes into the forest and finds the squirrel..
"Hello, i want to ask you, will you have sex with me?"
"NO!"
The Prince's dick shrinks by 10 cm.
"will you have sex with me?"
"Hell NO!"
The Prince's dick shrinks by 10 cm, and he only needs to ask the squirrel once more to get to optimal size.
"will you have sex with me?"
"NO, NO, NO!!!"

Written by Valentin B on 21.08.2008 at 15:00

Written by Guest on 15.08.2008 at 16:42

The father is lecturing his son:
- You know son, the big problem with our world is that the stupid people are always sure of themselves and the clever ones are always in doubt.
- Really, dad?
- Well of course!

i knew something like: "in my scientific research, i have found that only complete idiots have no doubts." "are you sure?" "100% sure" lol


an arab prince had a 50 cm dick, but his wife thought it was too big, so he visits the local wise man and asks him what to do. he tells him to go to the forest and there he will find the Holy Virgin Squirrel, he has to ask her to have sex with him and every time she refuses his dick will magically get smaller by 10 cm. so he goes into the forest and finds the squirrel..
"Hello, i want to ask you, will you have sex with me?"
"NO!"
The Prince's dick shrinks by 10 cm.
"will you have sex with me?"
"Hell NO!"
The Prince's dick shrinks by 10 cm, and he only needs to ask the squirrel once more to get to optimal size.
"will you have sex with me?"
"NO, NO, NO!!!"

Ouch. XD

International contest of toilet papers.
The Englishmen present their toilet paper. Strong and flexible. Neutral smell. England receives 7 points out of the maximum 10.
The French present their toilet paper which is adorned with colourful floral patterns. The smell is pure avant-garde. The score's 8.
The Japanese comes straight to the jury's desk and places a small pill on the desk in front of the judges.
The jury is surprised. "That's a toilet paper competition and not any pill testing event!"
The Japanese doesn't say anything but agitates with gestures the judges to try the pill. One judge finally decides to swallow the pill just out of curiosity. After some moments he runs away from the desk. When he returns he shouts "TEN POINTS FOR JAPAN!"
"What?"
"You won't believe this. When you take this pill, whatever you'd be shitting, it'll all be packed into cellophane bags."


A guy marries a pretty girl. After the wedding the girl brings a locked suitcase and places it under her side of the bed. The guy asks "What's in this suitcase?" The girl refuses to answer. They leave it.
The guy tries many times to find out what's in the suitcase but every time his wife refuses to tell him.
The years go by and finally after their 50th anniversary the now old woman decides to open the suitcase in front of her husband.
Inside there are five small flower seeds and ten thousand dollars.
The husband asks "What's that? The seeds?"
The wife answers that every time she had cheated on him she had placed one flower seed into the suitcase.
"Oh...so you've cheated me only five times during our 50 years of marriage?"
"Not exactly....you see...the money's here because every time I had gathered one kilogram of seeds, I sold it..."

A brunette girl goes through the woods. Suddenly she notices an old lamp lying near the path. She picks it up, rubs it and a genie appears.
The genie says "You can ask me three wishes but know that whatever you wish, every blonde person on this earth will have this wish being fulfilled twice as successfully as yours."
The dark haired girl agrees and wishes "I wish I had one hundred thousand dollars."
Her wish becomes true. But the genie points out "At this moment every blonde one got 200 000 dollars".
"I wish to have a luxurious villa with 30 bedrooms."
"You have it but from now on every blonde one has twice as luxurious villa with 60 bedrooms."
"My last wish....see that wooden club there? Come and beat the shit outta me so that I'll be half-dead!"

Written by Ernis on 22.08.2008 at 19:13


A brunette girl goes through the woods. Suddenly she notices an old lamp lying near the path. She picks it up, rubs it and a genie appears.
The genie says "You can ask me three wishes but know that whatever you wish, every blonde person on this earth will have this wish being fulfilled twice as successfully as yours."
The dark haired girl agrees and wishes "I wish I had one hundred thousand dollars."
Her wish becomes true. But the genie points out "At this moment every blonde one got 200 000 dollars".
"I wish to have a luxurious villa with 30 bedrooms."
"You have it but from now on every blonde one has twice as luxurious villa with 60 bedrooms."
"My last wish....see that wooden club there? Come and beat the shit outta me so that I'll be half-dead!"

Damn, pure 10!

That one was awesome indeed... Very clever xD

The one with the arab dick was also very good.