101 rules of Nu metal
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101 rules of Nu metal
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9 | 26 votes |
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1. When asked who your musical influences are, say Black Sabbath -- always Black Sabbath. 2. Make sure you don´t sound like Black Sabbath at all even though you said that they´re your musical influences. 3. Make fun of popular music especially Britney Spears and any boyband. This is non-negotiable. 4. When conducting interviews always say the words "@#%$", "fag", and "@#%$". 5. Accept interviews only from the following music magazines: Metal Edge, Revolver, Alternative Press, Hit Parader, Guitar World, Kerrang! and Rolling Stone. 6. Pay them $50 to mention the word "metal" in correlation with your music, in every single interview. 7. Add another $50 if they are able to invent a new genre dedicated solely to your band -- ie. Death Metal Disco (Static X), Melodic-core (Thursday), Christian Rap Metal (POD). 8. Make sure that at least one of your band members have an existing side project, or at least planning to start one. 9. Ask your mom to go to the nearest "Ross" beauty shop to buy six boxes of Lander hair gel. 10. Use the word "gay" when referring to anything you don´t like. 11. No guitar solos. 12. Your drumming techniques must consist of "bass-snare, bass-snare" drumming only. 13. In order for your bassist to win a "Best Bass Player Award", make sure that they... 14. ...are female or... 15. ...use the "slap and pop" playing style. 16. Jump in the air while playing your guitar, and while in mid-air place the guitar on your side. 17. During concerts, ask your audience to sing along... 18. ...jump up and down... 19. ...put their hands in the air... 20. ...flash their middle-fingers... 21. ...and be careful not to hurt each other. 22. In the liner notes of your album, dedicate it to your parents, and to more than 15 different nu-metal bands with at least 4 bands which you borrowed your sound from. 23. Your second album must be weaker than the first one. 24. Make sure that at least one band member... 25. ...has been previously arrested... 26. ...drinks beer... 27. ...or smokes marijuana. 28. During interviews deny any form of drug-use in your band. 29. Say you hate Limp Bizkit, then contradict your statement by sticking up for bands like Taproot, Drowning Pool, and Primer 55. 30. When describing bands which you think are good, end every statement with "kicks ass". 31. When describing bands you hate, end every statement with either "sucks dick", or "@#%$ sucks ass". 32. Pretend that you´ve been abused as a child and when no one believes you, hold... 32. ...your depressing song lyrics as evidence, and if that doesn´t work... 33. ...donate 3% of your earnings to anti-child abuse foundations. 34. Your record label must be either one of the following (and there subsidiaries): Sony, Interscope, Warner, Geffen, Virgin, Roadrunner, and Island/Def Jam. 35. Wear baseball caps, shades, wallet-chains, or any other fancy-schmancy fashion accessory EVERYTIME. 36. Your pants must be 3 times larger than your original waist length. 37. Say "shaznit". 38. Say "tight as @#%$" whenever possible. 39. Pretend that you hate MTV, and say that you detest the playing of your videos without your consent -- but deep down inside you really like the way they promote your music. 40. When meeting up with Kurt Loder and Carson Daly, be sure to meet up with Fred Durst to ask for pointers. 41. Always give credit to Korn and say they brought back "metal" from the dead. 42. Make sure you have at least one female member. 43. Be at every single "Ozzfest" tour. 44. Your t-shirts must be plain black with your logo in front and a teen-angst quote in the back. 45. Pretend that you design your own website. 46. Get Ross Robinson, GGGarth, or Brendan O´ Brien to produce your record. 47. Always make sure that you delay your album release. If it´s scheduled for June 5, move it to July 7. Do this at least twice per album. 48. Ask guest rappers or any member from another nu-metal band to participate on your album. 49. Always whine. 50. Close your eyes when singing to show how "depressed" you are -- ie. Staind 51. Body piercings are a must. 52. Make sure that you have at least one band member that´s bald... 53. ...or have a goatee. 54. Pretend that you hate the world. 55. During live shows, make sure that you dive to the crowd and ask them to return you back. 56. Your pants must be low-waist, and must show your boxers underneath when you lift your shirt. 57. Your drummer must be topless during live concerts. 58. Bite the microphone when singing. 59. Swing the microphone stand while headbanging in unison. 60. Always suck up to the crowd during a live performance -- ie. "its a good day to be here in Los-@#%$-Angeles!" 61. Insert the word "@#%$" in the middle of two words -- ie. "I like coco-@#%$-nut" 62. Zildijan must be your official cymbals. 63. Your guitars must be Ibanez or Fender. Accept no substitutes. 64. Always use seven-string guitars. 65. The more stomp boxes and pedals you have, the bigger the chances of you winning a "Best Guitar Player" award. So get to it! 66. Wear facepaints or masks, and when someone labels you a Slipknot rip-off say that you existed as early as 1977. 67. When someone asks how your next album is going to turn out, say that its going to be the "heavy-@#%$-iest album of all @#%$ time". 68. Read #67 but add more of the word "@#%$" as much as possible for emphasis. 69. Make sure that when it comes out, it doesn´t sound as heavy as you said it would be. 70. Your song lyrics must have the word "@#%$" on at least 3 songs. This rule only applies to pretentious "tough-as-nails" bands. 71. Pick fights with random bands to show how "bad-ass" you are. 72. If you intend to copy someone else´s sound -- don´t use any form of profanity whatsoever when writing song lyrics, so the attention of the critiques will be focused on the lyrical content instead of your music. For more information, ask Linkin Park because they are considered as the "masters" of this art. 73. When kids start calling your band "sell-outs", reply that if they were on your position they´d do the same thing as well. 74. When kids start calling you a copycat, say that the band you´re being compared to is one of your musical influences or.... 75. ...its just a coincidence. 76. Make fun of gay people at all times. This is a perfect way to hide the fact that you´re a closet gay. 77. When your parents tells you to go to your room -- go to your room. 78. You must have a studio album out every year. If you can´t pull a studio album in just a year, an album with demos and remixes of old songs will do. 79. Make sure that you get into a scuffle with security on every single concert you partake in to cause a "scene". 80. Wash your sneakers only 4 times a year. 81. Wear clothes from a particular clothing company -- and soon they will ask you to endorse their wardrobe. Perfect choices are Adidas and Puma. 82. Release a video that contains nothing but backstage footage of your band making asses out of themselves. 83. During live shows say that you´re about to perform a song they already know. Utter the first word of the song title then ask the fans to complete the name of the song by pointing the mic towards them. Keep on doing it until they scream the title crystal clear, or if you´ve wasted 5 minutes just getting them to complete the task. 84. Your fanbase must comprise of 90% morons that have usernames on the internet patterned after your band (ie. Mudvayne fans - DeathBloomsDig99) and the last 10% with smart guys that use original names. 85. Your band name must be a mispelling of an original word. 86. When parents start blaming your band for having songs that incite violence, turn the blame back on them by saying "you never spent time enough with your kids". 87. When someone points out the similarities of your music with another band which rose to popularity just recently, pretend that you´ve never heard of them before. 88. Cancel at least 5 of the tour dates you intend to play in the near future. 89. Claim that the posturings of anger and depression in your songs are genuine. 90. Insist that your band is "metal" at all times. 91. Best Buy and Hot Topic must be your core album distributors. 92. Say that you´re going to commit suicide whenever no one pays attention to you. 93. Your idea of being unique is donning black and white facepaint and acting like a depressed troll in your bedroom. 94. Pretend that you like Kittie´s music but in reality you just want to score on at least one member. 95. Say that rule #94 is a lie! Then stomp your foot on the ground repeatedly while screaming "that´s not true! that´s not true!" over and over again. 96. Your first radio single must have clean vocals or at least melodic riffing. 97. Waste your time writing a song dedicated to taking potshots at the critiques and the people that make fun of your otherwise STUPID music. 98. If you are a new band, cover an old 80s song and make it as catchy as you can. Ship this song as your first radio single - instant success! 99. Participate in as many compilation albums as you can. 100. Strictly no guitar solos. 101. You are offended personally by every single rule written above. |
Comments
| Promonex Cathemeral Posts: 9720 From: Germany  |
Quote: Damn, I actually read "goatse" there ^^
---- All life begins with Nu and ends with Nu... This is the truth! This is my belief! ...At least for now. - The Mystery of Life, Vol. 841 Ch. 26
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| Necronomicon Account deleted |
Necronomicon
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1. When asked who your musical influences are, say Black Sabbath -- always Black Sabbath. 2. Make sure you don´t sound like Black Sabbath at all even though you said that they´re your musical influences haha these are the best 
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| Insineratehymn Account deleted |
Insineratehymn
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Damn, I love this!  Especially rules 11 and 100, because they are blatantly true.Written by Promonex on 26.09.2006 at 20:33 Oh, I know exactly what you're talking about there.
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| BurbotsRevenge Foetal Butchery Posts: 1602 From: Australia  |
11 and 100 are exacvtly the same
---- Dark death metal from Sydney: https://www.facebook.com/GolgothanRemains
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| Insineratehymn Account deleted |
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| Klaara Account deleted |
Klaara
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I can feel that Deadsoulman really doesn't like nu-metal. But I might be wrong   Good article indeed.
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| danzig111 Account deleted |
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| iaberis Advice Troll Posts: 1698 From: Greece  |
I don't like guitar solos to... this makes me nu-metalhead?
---- Bitch! Please
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| Arian Totalis The Philosopher Posts: 3351 From: USA  |
I think they forgot the "Put your hair in corny Braids and Dreadlocks then Get high and cuss loudly. Also Forget the term "Bathing" Exists.
---- "For the Coward there is no Life For the hero there is No Death" -Kakita Toshimoko "The Philosopher, you know so much about nothing at all." _Chuck Schuldiner.
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| Xtreme Jax Psycroptipath Posts: 2322 From: Australia  |
"71. Pick fights with random bands to show how "bad-ass" you are." ... and then post about the bitching on myspace ahahah
---- Hellcunt Smurf
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| BloodTears ANA-thema Posts: 11835 From: Portugal  |
its very funny lol But its too long
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| Eight Shapeshifter Posts: 2134 From: Estonia  |
49. Always whine. 94. Pretend that you like Kittie´s music but in reality you just want to score on at least one member. best ones
---- Book: "I am a Shepherd. Folks like a man of God." Mal: "No, they don't. Men of God make everyone feel guilty and judged."
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| xoJ1nXox Posts: 20 From: USA |
I'm a female bassist! I'm in a band! we don't play fucking nu-metal! but it was hilarious. ha
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| Doc G. Full Grown Hoser Posts: 9718 From: Canada  |
Quote: Best rule. what nu-metal band hasnt done this?
---- "I got a lot of really good ideas, problem is, most of them suck." - George Carlin
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| morbid_freak Account deleted |
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| morbid_freak Account deleted |
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| Murder Posts: 255 From: Mexico  |
Hahahaha... this is all the shit that Nu is hahahahahaha The MTV rule is amazing hahahahahaha 
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| +{Jonas}+ I R Serious Cat Posts: 4955 From: Colombia  |
Quote: I show my boxers, but I fdon't wear 3 times larger pants And there's one missing: You must do Skateboarding, and write it Sk8
---- "Nobody wants to be the weird kid, you just end up being the weird kid. You don't know how you ended up getting there" - Rob Zombie http://jonas-bs.deviantart.com My dA, mainly photography, go check it out!
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| metal_man_88 Account deleted |
metal_man_88
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LOL!!!!! I LOVE IT oh and metal heads can skateboard Elisa C. Martin from Hamka/Dreamaker likes to skate!  KICK ASS!  lol
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| Doc G. Full Grown Hoser Posts: 9718 From: Canada |
Written by Guest on 15.12.2006 at 21:09 Me too....does this mean im nu-metal?
---- "I got a lot of really good ideas, problem is, most of them suck." - George Carlin
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| Carrion Account deleted |
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| Lathronniel Posts: 175  |
I hate nu..so i must say all are pretty funny 
---- I amar prestar aen, han mathon ne nen, han mathon ne chae a han noston ned 'wilith...
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| Eight Shapeshifter Posts: 2134 From: Estonia |
26. ...drinks beer... What the hell?!
---- Book: "I am a Shepherd. Folks like a man of God." Mal: "No, they don't. Men of God make everyone feel guilty and judged."
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| orathac Account deleted |
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| Savage Messiah Metal Drummer Posts: 272 From: USA  |
hahaha I swear everyone here is so paranoid of being labeled as "nu-metal" it's hilarious. Nicely written, though I think the "42. Make sure you have at least one female member." is a bit off, I know heaps of chick metallers who fucking shred on guitar.  I don't know any other female drummers who play extreme metal other than myself though...
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| WarlockDLX69 Account deleted |
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| Ernis 狼獾 Posts: 6804 From: New Zealand  |
Written by xoJ1nXox on 23.11.2006 at 16:05 That's also my point....Mandragora Scream and Aes Dana also have female bassists and these bands are far from nu....
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| Hamird Lieutenant Posts: 2564 From: Iran  |
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| Kideias Account deleted |
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