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101 rules of Nu metal



101 rules of Nu metal

Posted by: Deadsoulman
Date: 23.09.2006

9 | 26 votes
1. When asked who your musical influences are, say Black Sabbath -- always Black Sabbath.
2. Make sure you don´t sound like Black Sabbath at all even though you said that they´re your musical influences.
3. Make fun of popular music especially Britney Spears and any boyband. This is non-negotiable.
4. When conducting interviews always say the words "@#%$", "fag", and "@#%$".
5. Accept interviews only from the following music magazines: Metal Edge, Revolver, Alternative Press, Hit Parader, Guitar World, Kerrang! and Rolling Stone.
6. Pay them $50 to mention the word "metal" in correlation with your music, in every single interview.
7. Add another $50 if they are able to invent a new genre dedicated solely to your band -- ie. Death Metal Disco (Static X), Melodic-core (Thursday), Christian Rap Metal (POD).
8. Make sure that at least one of your band members have an existing side project, or at least planning to start one.
9. Ask your mom to go to the nearest "Ross" beauty shop to buy six boxes of Lander hair gel.
10. Use the word "gay" when referring to anything you don´t like.
11. No guitar solos.
12. Your drumming techniques must consist of "bass-snare, bass-snare" drumming only.
13. In order for your bassist to win a "Best Bass Player Award", make sure that they...
14. ...are female or...
15. ...use the "slap and pop" playing style.
16. Jump in the air while playing your guitar, and while in mid-air place the guitar on your side.
17. During concerts, ask your audience to sing along...
18. ...jump up and down...
19. ...put their hands in the air...
20. ...flash their middle-fingers...
21. ...and be careful not to hurt each other.
22. In the liner notes of your album, dedicate it to your parents, and to more than 15 different nu-metal bands with at least 4 bands which you borrowed your sound from.
23. Your second album must be weaker than the first one.
24. Make sure that at least one band member...
25. ...has been previously arrested...
26. ...drinks beer...
27. ...or smokes marijuana.
28. During interviews deny any form of drug-use in your band.
29. Say you hate Limp Bizkit, then contradict your statement by sticking up for bands like Taproot, Drowning Pool, and Primer 55.
30. When describing bands which you think are good, end every statement with "kicks ass".
31. When describing bands you hate, end every statement with either "sucks dick", or "@#%$ sucks ass".
32. Pretend that you´ve been abused as a child and when no one believes you, hold...
32. ...your depressing song lyrics as evidence, and if that doesn´t work...
33. ...donate 3% of your earnings to anti-child abuse foundations.
34. Your record label must be either one of the following (and there subsidiaries): Sony, Interscope, Warner, Geffen, Virgin, Roadrunner, and Island/Def Jam.
35. Wear baseball caps, shades, wallet-chains, or any other fancy-schmancy fashion accessory EVERYTIME.
36. Your pants must be 3 times larger than your original waist length.
37. Say "shaznit".
38. Say "tight as @#%$" whenever possible.
39. Pretend that you hate MTV, and say that you detest the playing of your videos without your consent -- but deep down inside you really like the way they promote your music.
40. When meeting up with Kurt Loder and Carson Daly, be sure to meet up with Fred Durst to ask for pointers.
41. Always give credit to Korn and say they brought back "metal" from the dead.
42. Make sure you have at least one female member.
43. Be at every single "Ozzfest" tour.
44. Your t-shirts must be plain black with your logo in front and a teen-angst quote in the back.
45. Pretend that you design your own website.
46. Get Ross Robinson, GGGarth, or Brendan O´ Brien to produce your record.
47. Always make sure that you delay your album release. If it´s scheduled for June 5, move it to July 7. Do this at least twice per album.
48. Ask guest rappers or any member from another nu-metal band to participate on your album.
49. Always whine.
50. Close your eyes when singing to show how "depressed" you are -- ie. Staind
51. Body piercings are a must.
52. Make sure that you have at least one band member that´s bald...
53. ...or have a goatee.
54. Pretend that you hate the world.
55. During live shows, make sure that you dive to the crowd and ask them to return you back.
56. Your pants must be low-waist, and must show your boxers underneath when you lift your shirt.
57. Your drummer must be topless during live concerts.
58. Bite the microphone when singing.
59. Swing the microphone stand while headbanging in unison.
60. Always suck up to the crowd during a live performance -- ie. "its a good day to be here in Los-@#%$-Angeles!"
61. Insert the word "@#%$" in the middle of two words -- ie. "I like coco-@#%$-nut"
62. Zildijan must be your official cymbals.
63. Your guitars must be Ibanez or Fender. Accept no substitutes.
64. Always use seven-string guitars.
65. The more stomp boxes and pedals you have, the bigger the chances of you winning a "Best Guitar Player" award. So get to it!
66. Wear facepaints or masks, and when someone labels you a Slipknot rip-off say that you existed as early as 1977.
67. When someone asks how your next album is going to turn out, say that its going to be the "heavy-@#%$-iest album of all @#%$ time".
68. Read #67 but add more of the word "@#%$" as much as possible for emphasis.
69. Make sure that when it comes out, it doesn´t sound as heavy as you said it would be.
70. Your song lyrics must have the word "@#%$" on at least 3 songs. This rule only applies to pretentious "tough-as-nails" bands.
71. Pick fights with random bands to show how "bad-ass" you are.
72. If you intend to copy someone else´s sound -- don´t use any form of profanity whatsoever when writing song lyrics, so the attention of the critiques will be focused on the lyrical content instead of your music. For more information, ask Linkin Park because they are considered as the "masters" of this art.
73. When kids start calling your band "sell-outs", reply that if they were on your position they´d do the same thing as well.
74. When kids start calling you a copycat, say that the band you´re being compared to is one of your musical influences or....
75. ...its just a coincidence.
76. Make fun of gay people at all times. This is a perfect way to hide the fact that you´re a closet gay.
77. When your parents tells you to go to your room -- go to your room.
78. You must have a studio album out every year. If you can´t pull a studio album in just a year, an album with demos and remixes of old songs will do.
79. Make sure that you get into a scuffle with security on every single concert you partake in to cause a "scene".
80. Wash your sneakers only 4 times a year.
81. Wear clothes from a particular clothing company -- and soon they will ask you to endorse their wardrobe. Perfect choices are Adidas and Puma.
82. Release a video that contains nothing but backstage footage of your band making asses out of themselves.
83. During live shows say that you´re about to perform a song they already know. Utter the first word of the song title then ask the fans to complete the name of the song by pointing the mic towards them. Keep on doing it until they scream the title crystal clear, or if you´ve wasted 5 minutes just getting them to complete the task.
84. Your fanbase must comprise of 90% morons that have usernames on the internet patterned after your band (ie. Mudvayne fans - DeathBloomsDig99) and the last 10% with smart guys that use original names.
85. Your band name must be a mispelling of an original word.
86. When parents start blaming your band for having songs that incite violence, turn the blame back on them by saying "you never spent time enough with your kids".
87. When someone points out the similarities of your music with another band which rose to popularity just recently, pretend that you´ve never heard of them before.
88. Cancel at least 5 of the tour dates you intend to play in the near future.
89. Claim that the posturings of anger and depression in your songs are genuine.
90. Insist that your band is "metal" at all times.
91. Best Buy and Hot Topic must be your core album distributors.
92. Say that you´re going to commit suicide whenever no one pays attention to you.
93. Your idea of being unique is donning black and white facepaint and acting like a depressed troll in your bedroom.
94. Pretend that you like Kittie´s music but in reality you just want to score on at least one member.
95. Say that rule #94 is a lie! Then stomp your foot on the ground repeatedly while screaming "that´s not true! that´s not true!" over and over again.
96. Your first radio single must have clean vocals or at least melodic riffing.
97. Waste your time writing a song dedicated to taking potshots at the critiques and the people that make fun of your otherwise STUPID music.
98. If you are a new band, cover an old 80s song and make it as catchy as you can. Ship this song as your first radio single - instant success!
99. Participate in as many compilation albums as you can.
100. Strictly no guitar solos.
101. You are offended personally by every single rule written above.




Comments page 2 / 3

Comments: 71   [ 1 ignored ]   Visited by: 605 users
21.07.2007 - 13:03
Bash'
:)
83. During live shows say that you´re about to perform a song they already know. Utter the first word of the song title then ask the fans to complete the name of the song by pointing the mic towards them. Keep on doing it until they scream the title crystal clear, or if you´ve wasted 5 minutes just getting them to complete the task.

77. When your parents tells you to go to your room -- go to your room.


LOOOL! creative & hilarious really
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I saw her standing by the crimson sea...
Isolated by the silent thoughts...
Her gazing was intense but so dead...

The teardrops corroded the soil.. She couldn't say a word to me...
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03.09.2007 - 23:14
Dan066
Account deleted
http://youtube.com/watch?v=IOXDvVqNaeE


67. When someone asks how your next album is going to turn out, say that its going to be the "heavy-@#%$-iest album of all @#%$ time".
68. Read #67 but add more of the word "@#%$" as much as possible for emphasis.
69. Make sure that when it comes out, it doesn´t sound as heavy as you said it would be.

hahahah. Hilarious!
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04.09.2007 - 10:14
Ellrohir
Heaven Knight
i will add rule no. 102 - Name your band Linkin Park. Because everything that came from LP is great and awesome (according to comments on radio stations - i had to listen to "ordinary" pop-rock radio station recently )
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My rest seems now calm and deep
Finally I got my dead man sleep


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01.11.2007 - 15:58
nehrodwarf

looool, very fun!

really this laws it's true!
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In this life you can choose what kind of ave to be: a chicken or a phoexix. I choosen be a phoenix, cuz' I'm rebirthing from ashes

Ps: my website it's: http://gcasweb.orgfree.com
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14.11.2007 - 21:46
_reborn_

57. Your drummer must be topless during live concerts.

If the drummer is a woman i want to see that band live;D
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15.11.2007 - 11:29
Warman
Erotic Stains
Hehehe, awesome!
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05.01.2008 - 02:59
juanopereira

hehehe really funny.
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06.01.2008 - 05:22
Vinnie R.
Chido Chido
The 65th rule is amazig! HEHEHE
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02.04.2008 - 23:50
peterjohnvernon
Account deleted
agree lol this has me in stitches xD i love how it starts

1. When asked who your musical influences are, say Black Sabbath -- always Black Sabbath.
2. Make sure you don´t sound like Black Sabbath at all even though you said that they´re your musical influences
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12.04.2008 - 00:38
Smurfophagist

Now this is a kickass fucking article bitch.
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Having a signature is an absolute must.
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12.04.2008 - 00:58
+{Jonas}+
I R Serious Cat
Written by Smurfophagist on 12.04.2008 at 00:38

Now this is a kickass fucking article bitch.

Shaznit (Rule 37)
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"Nobody wants to be the weird kid, you just end up being the weird kid. You don't know how you ended up getting there" - Rob Zombie

http://jonas-bs.deviantart.com My dA, mainly photography, go check it out!
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29.04.2008 - 14:19
Slaytan
Account deleted
nu metal sucks .. its not even metal,, i hate it .. -_-

but your rules are very funny =)
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24.06.2008 - 20:12
Hamird
Lieutenant
This 101 rules is more like Linkin Park and Korn's biography
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01.07.2008 - 18:39
-Soulreaper-

That is some funny stuff.
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19.07.2008 - 06:17
Caza-Kunt
Account deleted
LOL
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23.08.2008 - 16:06
armageddon

That was really funny.
I really laughed at this one:

60. Always suck up to the crowd during a live performance -- ie. "its a good day to be here in Los-@#%$-Angeles!"
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"Whenever you're pissed off, just remember that it's better than being pissed on"
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24.08.2008 - 14:20
Oracle
Orcinus
XD

38. Say "tight as @#%$" whenever possible.

50. Close your eyes when singing to show how "depressed" you are -- ie. Staind

81. Wear clothes from a particular clothing company -- and soon they will ask you to endorse their wardrobe. Perfect choices are Adidas and Puma.

90. Insist that your band is "metal" at all times.

Fucking Hilarious...
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10.10.2008 - 16:39
savaf
Account deleted
Man its true!!its so funny!!!
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08.01.2009 - 23:07
Valentin B
Iconoclast
Hahah, misspell a real name and make it your band's name: korn, limp bizkit, linkin park, staind, there's lots of 'em
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21.01.2009 - 17:21
JayEstonio
Account deleted
Lol @ 100. Strictly no Guitar Solos...
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17.04.2009 - 20:11
DouX_SW
Account deleted
Great, i must print this and take it to some friends and see their face when they read the 101
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26.07.2009 - 07:24
bloodwrage
Pagan Angel
This guy could be in nu metal if he had facepaint on.
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10.09.2009 - 15:15
AiwiAstwihad
AiryanaKhvarenah
@ Morteza Numb
101. You are offended personally by every single rule written above.
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You who will come to the surface
From the flood that's overwhelmed us and drowned us all
Must think, when you speak of our weakness in times of darkness
That you've not had to face
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10.09.2009 - 18:50
Dominus
The Shooter
1. When asked who your musical influences are, say Black Sabbath -- always Black Sabbath.

JAJAJAJA!!!!
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10.10.2009 - 03:03
[insert name]

This really hit the nail on the head! Great job!:thumbup:

EDIT: Oh, and just a suggestion; how about a 101 Rules of Hair Metal?
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I REJECT YOUR PUNY REALITIES! AND THEN THAT IS THE POINT AT WHICH I SUBSTITUTE THEM WITH MY OWN! I HAVE VICTORY!
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16.01.2010 - 06:48
Theusername

Dudes, I fucking loved this fucking forum! It was fucking tight! lol
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18.01.2010 - 00:12
Uirapuru
Liver Failure
37. Say "shaznit".

HAUHAUAHUAHU wtf

69. Make sure that when it comes out, it doesn´t sound as heavy as you said it would be.

That has Godsmack written all over Every new album is ''the most heavy''.


29. Say you hate Limp Bizkit, then contradict your statement by sticking up for bands like Taproot, Drowning Pool, and Primer 55.

Thats the one
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member of the true crusade against old school heavy metal, early 80s thrash, NWOBHM, traditional doom, first and second wave black metal, old school death metal, US power metal, 70s prog rock and atmospheric doomsludgestoner. o/
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19.01.2010 - 04:22
bloodwrage
Pagan Angel
"I'll do it!"
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17.02.2010 - 00:57
whatsacow

This is shit? Who the fuck wrote this? Fucking Faggots! Korn is the shaznit ya'll. Fuck you, i'm out!
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When God made up the golden rule, do you think he noticed that it condones rape?
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18.02.2010 - 17:40
brapp32

Being a fan of nu-metal I found this pretty funny. It's all pretty true except numbers 92 and 93.
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