Due to the off-topic conversations in the love thread leading to talks of suicide, depression, angst, anxiety, and the likes...

This is your place to discuss your inner conflicts, share with others or simply give positive advice to people suffering. Reflect on past experiences, post your views on mental illnesses, share stories of family members who suffer from such illnesses - basically just keep it on topic.

/wrist

I think it's easier doing it in the online world than IRL. I mean, having people judge you from 5000 miles away or whatever isn't exactly unbearable. When I first had to make phone calls to people during my time in the hospital it was so awkward.

Not to mention the first time my roommate walked in on me cutting myself. It's like... "Uh, hey dude... how was work?"

Written by Troy Killjoy on 14.12.2011 at 23:29
I mean, having people judge you from 5000 miles away or whatever isn't exactly unbearable.

I fucking hate your guts... How does THAT make you feel? You Fucking fuck.

Quote:
Not to mention the first time my roommate walked in on me cutting myself. It's like... "Uh, hey dude... how was work?"

It definitely wasn't funny at the time but that scene looks hilarious to me.

Written by X-Ray Rod on 14.12.2011 at 23:40
It definitely wasn't funny at the time but that scene looks hilarious to me.

He just said it was surreal. He comes home and hears the water running and asks if I'm okay, and the next thing he knows I open the bathroom door with blood-covered arms and my shirt is stained. He said he didn't even know what was happening at first, and then we heard the paramedics running through the hallways banging on doors so I went out to meet them. I didn't really know what was going on either.

There was kind of a funny side to it looking back. I picture the movie couple all "Honey, I'm home."

...

Honey?

Written by Troy Killjoy on 14.12.2011 at 23:44
I open the bathroom door...

You don't really need to give details so if you don't want to answer, don't.
Why did you open the door?

We can discuss anger problems here?

Written by X-Ray Rod on 14.12.2011 at 23:46
Why did you open the door?

(I have no problem discussing any of this, I'm in a much different place in my life now.)

I'd been self-harming for about 9 months prior to that night, and nobody knew. I'd kept it from my roommate (also my best friend of 11 years) for that long, and I thought it might do me some good to tell someone. Maybe it was a coincidence he was home early when I tried to really go for it for once. It was kind of a blur to be honest, me looking at the blood on me and the floor and just thinking wtf am I doing? Then he asked if everything was okay and then it was just a matter of fighting back tears and admitting to someone for once in my life that no, not everything's okay.

So I opened the door, held out my arms and just stared at him. For hours. Felt like hours anyway, but ya. He just asked me how long that kind of thing's been going on and I told him tonight was the first night it's gone this far.

Written by Guest on 14.12.2011 at 23:51
We can discuss anger problems here?

Rage is as much a mental illness as depression. You're free to discuss it here.

Written by Troy Killjoy on 14.12.2011 at 23:52
(I have no problem discussing any of this, I'm in a much different place in my life now.)

That's cool, since I don't know you I didn't knew if it was too much of a question. Thanks for the honesty.

Well, if anger counts. I would say that I have anger issues. I visited the school's psyc for a while when I was between 14-15 but that's it. I have those gigantic burst of anger at just at home. Against either my mom or sis. Why? No friggin clue... Some small thing that I overreact way too much... I remembered that I threw a big tv-remote at my sis, luckly I failed because I threw it so hard to smashed into piece on the wall.

About 2 minutes later... I feel perfectly normal and the "Holy shit I'm a monster, I'm so sorry sis/mom" process begins.
That stuff happens often enough to call it a regular issue. The tv-remote thing was the first and only physical thing I ever did though.

Written by X-Ray Rod on 15.12.2011 at 00:00
Well, if anger counts. I would say that I have anger issues. I visited the school's psyc for a while when I was between 14-15 but that's it. I have those gigantic burst of anger at just at home. Against either my mom or sis. Why? No friggin clue... Some small thing that I overreact way too much... I remembered that I threw a big tv-remote at my sis, luckly I failed because I threw it so hard to smashed into piece on the wall.

I used to have anger issues back in grade school, and they made me see a child therapist named Susan. She warped me into being afraid of everything so I wouldn't be angry anymore.

Fucking bitch makes me angry. >>

It's my fault for letting her control my thoughts though.

The worst is when your family suffers from your outbursts. You don't want to hurt them but at the same time you just want to lash out and they're always the ones who are there to see it. It'd be so much easier if you could control your emotions when they get out of hand and "delay" them - something I've been getting better at as the years go by.

Written by Troy Killjoy on 15.12.2011 at 00:03
I used to have anger issues back in grade school, and they made me see a child therapist named Susan. She warped me into being afraid of everything so I wouldn't be angry anymore.

Mine was completely useless in the sense that I don't remember what she told me at all.
Also... yeah, I always feel like I just need to stop for just a second and think of my words so nothing happens, but that just happens after those bursts. I try my best to think like 10 steps ahead before an argument even starts.

It goes from pretty small things really... That just get worse by every second. For some reason my sis or mom makes fun of me and I get way too offended and answer back and always feels like they tacteam to make me feel more miserable for being offended by "a little comment" I scream at them to go to fucking hell and leave. I know it's stupid... but sometimes it does feel like when my mom makes a comment to my sis and I by any chance comment further... I'm doing wrong but the other way around is fine. It feels like double standard, don't know if that's just me though as no one is objective enough to comment on that.

Written by X-Ray Rod on 15.12.2011 at 00:11
It feels like double standard, don't know if that's just me though as no one is objective enough to comment on that.

Reminds me of my mother - whenever you make the slightest suggestion or anything she blows a fuse and feels like she's being attacked.

I don't know what the issue is there to be honest. Maybe you over-analyze the situation like most of us who have short tempers.

Aaaand, no one will ever post in this because we hate being on topic

Seriously though, since I don't have a lot of dramatic stories, I'll break the ice and we'll go from there I had regular "summer" depression, every year when I had more time to think about me more. Used to really believe I was the most miserable, pathetic person ever and that I deserve nothing good. It kinda got out of hand during the first half of my second year in high school, I was pretty much failing school, couldn't focus on anything and barely got out of my bed in the mornings. Then I met my boyfriend and he distracted my mind for a while, but it constantly came back, mostly triggered by family issues, unresolved conflicts and body image. I'm not sure I'll ever be completely out of it. There are just periods where everything I say and feel will be pointed towards the erasing and destroying of self, and where I'll try to sabotage every relationship I've ever had.

Anyway, the key word is triggered. It's just something that's inside you - your way of thinking and dealing with things. It is something you can grow into and grow out of. It too shall pass. IT'S IN YOUR HEAD. You do not "deserve" the bad things that happen to you. That guilt you feel isn't real. (I hope someone actually finds himself/herself in this, or I'm talking for nothing)

What I always found helpful is just to try and reach the bottom as quick as possible. I've never been hospitalized, so my bottom isn't quite as bad as someone else's, I imagine. But when I feel it coming, I just give in and try to have a quiet day and not talk to anyone because tomorrow I'll be utterly embarrassed of what I say. When it strikes and I don't feel like doing anything, I just sit back and do nothing and let all the destroying take part in my head. I try to reach rock bottom and give into it, til I become disgusted of myself, deal myself a few slaps, cry about it if I can and go to bed. I have a couple of blank days afterwards and go back to "normal".

So there you have it, that's one advice.

Written by Troy Killjoy on 15.12.2011 at 00:32
Maybe you over-analyze the situation like most of us who have short tempers.

It might be a reason. The thing is that I only do that to my mother and sis. Feels weird that I can have perfectly good conversation (and even heated arguments) with anyone except those two persons I spent the longest time with.

Written by X-Ray Rod on 15.12.2011 at 00:36

It might be a reason. The thing is that I only do that to my mother and sis. Feels weird that I can have perfectly good conversation (and even heated arguments) with anyone except those two persons I spent the longest time with.

It could be connected to a lot of things, but it's common in many families. I wouldn't get worried, but you should seek help again if it messes with your normal flow of things.

Written by Milena on 15.12.2011 at 00:34
So there you have it, that's one advice.

To be honest that advice would kill me. If I hit rock bottom I know exactly what I need to do this time in order to "properly" kill myself. I need to take steps every day to make sure I don't fall into my mind's traps. I have flashbacks that wake me up in the middle of the night (I wouldn't call them night terrors but they're pretty extreme) and I'm constantly waging wars in my head just to stay above water.

It's been like that since I was 15. I'm not saying it's bad advice, but it's definitely not applicable to everyone.

Written by X-Ray Rod on 15.12.2011 at 00:36
It might be a reason. The thing is that I only do that to my mother and sis. Feels weird that I can have perfectly good conversation (and even heated arguments) with anyone except those two persons I spent the longest time with.

We also have a tendency to hurt those we love the most, because we can be ourselves around them and that kind of comfort sometimes breeds vulnerability.

I know I've fucked up a lot of situations in my life with my behavior as a result of allowing myself to become too close with others.

About Mora's post:
^ I was going to say the exact same thing as Troy. Works with anger issues I guess, but extreme depression that goes suicidal? No way.
Usually I just try to think 10 steps ahead and thing the worst that could happen will happen so I try to be very friendly before anything happens.

Written by X-Ray Rod on 15.12.2011 at 00:42
Usually I just try to think 10 steps ahead and thing the worst that could happen will happen so I try to be very friendly before anything happens.

Sometimes that's the problem. If you think too far ahead you're almost convincing your mind that things will more or less work out that way, so when they don't - boom. Mind collapse.

Written by Troy Killjoy on 15.12.2011 at 00:46
so when they don't - boom. Mind collapse.

Like Scanners? Cool!

Written by Milena on 15.12.2011 at 00:40
...

Sorry for skimming through your post and only responding to the advice part. Do you want to elaborate more on what kind of issues you have with your family that brings you to the point of feeling depressed?

Written by Troy Killjoy on 15.12.2011 at 00:40

It's been like that since I was 15. I'm not saying it's bad advice, but it's definitely not applicable to everyone.

Yeah, I did say it's not applicable to all, I wouldn't recommend it to actually suicidal people.
The common advice is to talk to someone, but how applicable that is when you're in a black mood and you interpret things heard in black tones? A couple years ago, my friends thought I was beyond help, and nowadays I've specifically instructed my boyfriend to recognize the signs and tell me I'm doing "that" again, so I can recognize it before I ruin anything else. And now I'm having the exact same problem with my mom - sure, her depression isn't just a mental thing, it's physiologically induced in a way, but one can't hold a conversation with her without her accusing you of something awful. You just CAN'T talk normally.

I'd like to ask savvy people about dealing with the depression of your loved ones, and also about panic attacks related to social situations. I've had two recently, in the relative privacy close to the circle of my friends, and I'm not quite sure how would I deal with it if it happened somewhere not so "comfortable".

I'm pretty much lazy and carefree, at least I don't care for what most guys do.. Girlfriends, none ever. Studying, only before the finals. Health, I smoke, eat like a pig and play no sports. Body image, i'm overweight (went to the gym for some months, lost weight and gained bulk, then I thought what the fuck). I only fear that I may regret this later in my life.

Written by Troy Killjoy on 15.12.2011 at 00:51

Sorry for skimming through your post and only responding to the advice part. Do you want to elaborate more on what kind of issues you have with your family that brings you to the point of feeling depressed?

Well it's always been fucked up. It sounds like a bunch of cliches, really - dad drinks, mom and dad split up, mom has unresolved issues with her own parent figures so she evens out by repressing the freedom of her children, having no money and not a lot of privacy, while sharing room with two siblings, dad never around, people talking shit about him behind his back, he talks shit of mom behind her back but still kinda loves her, everyone conflicting and fights all the time, family members contributing to your body image issues, not allowed to bring anyone over and go anywhere because of the anxiety of your mom, watching her, and we're more similar than any other two members of my family, and thinking:"are those my annoying traits? Is this who I am and who I will be?"... I mean, I'm too tired of listing stuff, because I have no idea how or why half of the stuff happened and I'm not too sure if I could put it in right words, this was just sitting somewhere in my head. You can see how long it took me to write this

it just came to no one ever doing anything because we're too anxious to show our real self and our interests, no one ever acknowledging the worth of another because nothing short of perfect behavior was good enough and no one ever sharing any emotion because we always had "better things to do". So that's one of the things that contributed to me being unwell. As for recent events, my dad died all of a sudden last year, aged 56, and my mom is now hospitalized for a benign tumor in her head... previously endured two or three months of not being able to talk to her, her moods taking violent swings and her constant weakness, constant nausea and passing out, so, for example, the night before she went to get her head examed, I spent it crying, because every time I heard some noise from the other room in the house, I thought it's her passing out and hitting her head on something hard, and that I'll have a panic attack and not be able to help her in time. And when I approached her room several times that night, she always found some reason to throw an insult at me.

Damn, we're all fucked up.

Depression is definitely a soul-destroying disease. I myself suffered a bit of depression about a year ago when I was almost completely lost and had almost no money, no job, ate 2-3 sandwiches a day, didn't go out almost at all and slept on a couch so i could cut down my costs. I then met a girl who kept me distracted for a short while and after that encounter I was finally on my way back up. It's all in that one moment when you truly realize "I need to turn this shit around. I won't stop fighting until I'm out of this situation"

If you don't have friends/family to talk to, or suck it up and go to a therapist, then you're all alone, and while that's a scary thought, if you manage to find your way up (and you will) it will be like an epiphany. I now think of stuff I used to do just a year ago and think "holy shit, that was so stupid of me!". It's something I've been doing for quite some years, I look back 1 year from the time i'm in and think how would I have done stuff differently, that way I realize I'm growing as a person and that by keeping my brain occupied with meaningful things I was able to overcome feelings of low self-esteem and social anxiety from my mid-teenage years.

I think real experience is only gained by doing, and not by over-analyzing stuff. If you're a pessimist, thinking about stuff too much will only bring you down, that's why some people who are unemployed but still live a comfortable life feel like they're worthless or depressed, if you don't keep yourself occupied with things that are meaningful to you, you will just slowly eat your soul away. Problem is of course, depressed people aren't exactly the get up and go types. That's why you either need friends/family or a very strong inner motor to help you get up in the morning and DO stuff when someone else in the same situation would just cry him/herself back to sleep. It's all about finding either the right people or getting motivated enough to face each new day head-on.

I've had my ups and downs, and I'm not saying I deserve a trophy but I'm proud of how I overcame the odds and managed to seize the most important opportunities in my life so far, and I'm barely at the beginning of my journey with a world of possibilities and opportunities. With that in mind, I'm pretty sure it will take some really serious shit to make me feel truly depressed.

Written by Valentin B on 15.12.2011 at 01:23

Depression is definitely a soul-destroying disease. I myself suffered a bit of depression about a year ago when I was almost completely lost and had almost no money, no job, ate 2-3 sandwiches a day, didn't go out almost at all and slept on a couch so i could cut down my costs. I then met a girl who kept me distracted for a short while and after that encounter I was finally on my way back up. It's all in that one moment when you truly realize "I need to turn this shit around. I won't stop fighting until I'm out of this situation"

If you don't have friends/family to talk to, or suck it up and go to a therapist, then you're all alone, and while that's a scary thought, if you manage to find your way up (and you will) it will be like an epiphany. I now think of stuff I used to do just a year ago and think "holy shit, that was so stupid of me!". It's something I've been doing for quite some years, I look back 1 year from the time i'm in and think how would I have done stuff differently, that way I realize I'm growing as a person and that by keeping my brain occupied with meaningful things I was able to overcome feelings of low self-esteem and social anxiety from my mid-teenage years.

I think real experience is only gained by doing, and not by over-analyzing stuff. If you're a pessimist, thinking about stuff too much will only bring you down, that's why some people who are unemployed but still live a comfortable life feel like they're worthless or depressed, if you don't keep yourself occupied with things that are meaningful to you, you will just slowly eat your soul away. Problem is of course, depressed people aren't exactly the get up and go types. That's why you either need friends/family or a very strong inner motor to help you get up in the morning and DO stuff when someone else in the same situation would just cry him/herself back to sleep. It's all about finding either the right people or getting motivated enough to face each new day head-on.

I've had my ups and downs, and I'm not saying I deserve a trophy but I'm proud of how I overcame the odds and managed to seize the most important opportunities in my life so far, and I'm barely at the beginning of my journey with a world of possibilities and opportunities. With that in mind, I'm pretty sure it will take some really serious shit to make me feel truly depressed.

Hmmm, that's a very objective view and a very helpful advice, but, also like mine, not very applicable you were strong enough to move yourself, some people just aren't. I think everyone should seek out professional help at some point of their lives. Some things are jut beyond one single human to understand.

Written by Milena on 15.12.2011 at 01:21
It sounds like a bunch of cliches, really... Damn, we're all fucked up.

Everyone's problems sound like cliches because there aren't any "new" problems anymore. I mean there are different combinations of things and whatnot, but there aren't really any unique problems in the world, so just talking about your issues as they are is good enough.

Your cliches are actually very similar to some of my cliches as well. Child of divorce, alcoholic father, mentally unstable mother, etc. etc. etc. but you're different in that you focus on those issues whereas my depression stems more from internal conflict.

At the end of the day, none of us are really fucked up because everyone has problems. Some just hide it better than others.

Written by Valentin B on 15.12.2011 at 01:23
...

Like Mora said, not many people have the strength to snap out of something that their mind convinces them can't be snapped out of.

I didn't choose to wake up and get better - it just happened. I'm thankful it did, but there was a point where, like you, all was pretty much lost. I had some support from family and friends but I was oblivious to it all at the time because I was so focused on what was wrong with me.

It's great advice, telling people to just hold on, it gets better, yada yada yada. But what it really comes down to is will power. If a person wants to give up, they will give up. If they want to turn it around, they'll turn it around (or at least try their hardest, if only subconsciously).

Written by Troy Killjoy on 15.12.2011 at 01:38

Everyone's problems sound like cliches because there aren't any "new" problems anymore. I mean there are different combinations of things and whatnot, but there aren't really any unique problems in the world, so just talking about your issues as they are is good enough.

Your cliches are actually very similar to some of my cliches as well. Child of divorce, alcoholic father, mentally unstable mother, etc. etc. etc. but you're different in that you focus on those issues whereas my depression stems more from internal conflict.

At the end of the day, none of us are really fucked up because everyone has problems. Some just hide it better than others.

I don't actually focus on them, it's just that, while I'm trying to figure out is everything worth it and will the actual me ever live up to the ridiculous standards I've set to myself, those restricting situations don't help at all
Yeah. Did you, for an example, in your depressed phase, ever feel like shit because you realized that you, unlike a lot of people in the world, HAVE parents to be worried about, friends to hide your cuts from, a romantic interest to be worried about, an abundance of food to abstain from or overeat, and running water to wash the blood running down your arms? I know I do. Although my sometimes fragile mental state prevents me from further personal growth, it's ALL it does - it's awful that I have to deal with abysmally low self esteem, but it's a first world problem really :/

Written by Milena on 15.12.2011 at 01:48
...it's a first world problem really :/

I still feel like that, which only amplifies the depression in all honesty.

The most important thing I've learned in the past year is to stop comparing myself to others (something I'm still failing miserably at, but working on).

Part of the reason I felt like ending it all was due to the self-indulgent nature of taking pity on your situation while knowing others have it "worse" (think of all the dying African kids and shit). But that's irrelevant because when your mind is in such a state - as you said earlier - you can only pick out the darkness in those circumstances. Comparing your problem to the world around you only compounds the negative emotions and thoughts running through your mind.

Like I said, I still beat myself up over what a piece of shit I am especially considering how people in far worse situations have managed to do better at life than myself, handling their problems in a more productive manner even though I wouldn't be able to leave my room if I was experiencing the same difficulties.

I wish I could remember the exact quote (from Gladiator), the part where he says every man is essentially given the exact amount of weight on his shoulders that he can personally bear. I may be able to handle the death of my parents but failing a big exam might send me over the edge, while someone else might be sent over the edge when a parent is diagnosed with a debilitating disease.