It is about time for a new thread about animals, and how much they suck. Or, as Jed Head once put it when he was really drunk in Texas, "Why t'Hell shouldn' I shoot up that there coyote, ya dang Yankee?"

1. PETS: When was the last time you saw a dog suffering in a hot car, and thought anything other than "Looks like your loyalty didn't get you very far, did it?"? Let's face it: dogs are stupid. They don't deserve our pity. Pets are possessions of the people who own them, the people who pay money out of their own wage packets to feed them. If we want to force our horse to compete in showjumping, that's our choice. If we want to drown kittens in a bag because we can't find homes for them, that's our decision to make.

2. HUNTING: There is nothing wrong with hunting. It is fun for everyone involved, and is necessary in order to protect hardworking American gun-owners from the ravages of nature. What's the difference between someone who hits a rabbit with their car and someone who shoots a rabbit and her children with an air rifle? Nothing, that's what.

3. FISHING: Fish are stupid. They contibute nothing to the planet, they only take from it. The stupidest fish is, of course, the dolphin, which can't even breath underwater or lay eggs like the more intelligent fish. Nothing makes me sicker than wimps who cry over dead dolphins in fishing nets. Who's smart now? Not Whales. They can't even whip the Japanese in a fight. America can.

4. VEGETARIANISM: Animals are tools, plain and simple. They are there to fulfill a purpose. Dogs are for working, cats are to catch rats, hamsters are for throwing, and farm animals are for eating. If it wasn't for the market in meat, they wouldn't exist anyway, so stop goddam whining. Remember: 8 billion meat-eaters can't be wrong.

5. ANIMAL TESTING: Sometimes I want to take a painkiller. Sometimes my girlfriend wants to wear whorish eye make-up. Why should we have to do these things without knowing first that some helpless animal has been experimented on first to make sure it's safe? That rabbit can sleep soundly in its urine-encrusted cage with the knowledge that, when it was having mascara poked into its eyes the day before, it will be helping some tart look nice for her shallow boyfriend the following evening.


I'd like to hear everybody's thoughts on Animal Rights, and whether animals have fought in enough wars or invented enough nuclear technology to have really earned rights at all. I mean, come on - you don't get something for nothing, Rover. The fact is we are just plain smarter and stronger than all animals, and that therefore we should (as God told someone once when they were high) be allowed to treat them however we want, just like teenage mothers who feed their babies crack.

Discuss, you crazy animals.



EDIT: I wish everyone would put their English skills to good use and actually read Part 5 more carefully. It is for all forms of animal testing. I don't know how I could have put this more clearly: Animals are tools. Testing on animals is, at the least, our right - and at best, it's funny. Rabbits look good in mascara.