Fuck The Public Transport


Written by: destroyah
Published: 29.04.2008


I hate public transport. Period. Why-o-why am I bothering myself with writing about it instead of enjoying my weekend? Well, because tomorrow I have to take a 50-minute trolley trip to my grandpa's to fix his internet connection problem. Here's how I see this working out - I get there, hit the 'refresh' key and say "well there's your problem." Then of course I have to take an equally tedious trip back home and all that on a bloody sunday - time well spent!

Now if you have never seen a trolleybus - it's basically this bus with horns on top, and as horns usually indicate a devious essence (except with cows), then surely enough the trolley is not a "swell ride" - it's loud, bumpy and smells of excrement and cheap perfume. Should any regular 50 year old plus public transport user read this entry by a freak chance, here's a few tips - if you're taking the bus to work, lay off the goddamn aftershave and for the love of god, NO COMMUTING AFTER VISITING THE FUCKING FISHMARKET!!! Seriously, I once had the horror of traveling in the same trolley with a fisherman and woman dipped in cologne, both pressed hard against me, as the damn trolley was full. Being under crossfire from rotting salmon and 99-cent "perfume" is not my idea of fun. I'm normally not suicidal but damn it, on that particular morning I really wanted to kill myself and everyone around me.

So, how to make the experience, uh - less horrifying? It usually helps if there's a babe in a miniskirt around for me to stare at. Yes, it's cold right now but there is a surprisingly large number of hot chicks out there who aren't afraid of their ovaries freezing over in the -15 C weather, thus keeping the northern viking-men very, very happy. I could also try and engage in a philosophical monologue but I always end up playing human Q-bert in my head or leaning towards severe misanthropia when inside a bus. Smoking pot would surely make the journey more tolerable but of course marijuana is illegal in the Great State of Estonia. That's right - grass is considered "dangerous", whereas the ultra-smelly and probably highly contagious trolleys are not. How messed up is that?!

Luckily enough, that's where rock music comes in. Thus I'm going to list a few songs that might hold back my excessive projectile vomiting while riding in a trolley.

1. Nashville Pussy - Go Motherfucker, Go - admittedly not the best choice since the damned trolley only does about 40 km/h. But it's high octane and therefore rather sedating.

2. Down - Trolley Bus is a Dying Whore - Yes, I know, I changed the title a bit. But the song sounds really heavy and mean and I don't have anything against New Orleans. I do, however, utterly despise trolleys.

3. Turbonegro - Mobile Home - this is a perfect song for long-range public transport raids since the desperation inside the vehicle makes you feel like you're gonna be stuck there forever.

4. Fu Manchu - King of the Road - the main line, "King of the road says you move too slow!" works for fast rides as well as pussy public transports. That's right, "p" is for "pedal to the metal", you wanker...

5. Iggy Pop & The Stooges - My Idea of Fun - This is one of the best apathetic random killer songs ever made and it suits the anguish of a long trolley ride dead on. Sometimes I forget that I have my headphones and I actually sing the chorus along - "My idea of fun is killing everyone...". It cleares the bus rather quickly, I must add...

6. Jimi Hendrix - Crosstown Traffic - I honestly think that when Jimi wrote this song, he had trolleybuses in his drug-riddled mind. He foresaw the Apocalyptic Wagons from Hell, I'm sure.

7. Slayer - Eyes of the Insane - I actually never really got into that song. That is until I listened to it in a trolleybus - suddenly the message became painfully clear. Honestly, it's like Baghdad in there - anyone might be packin' a bomb (or a fishnet) but you can't take 'em out cause of the dumb-ass rules of engagement.

8. Skid Row - Get the Fuck Out - sends a clear message to some particular co-commuters... That means everybody.



I actually wrote this entry a few months ago but forgot to post it due to a sudden violent attack of blood-bursting-from-my-nosies. So I'm posting it now since I sense a disturbance in the Force - I fear I must undertake the journey again in the following days. There have been other signs - I saw a trolleybus in my dreams last night and yesterday a White Unicorn descended from the Heavens and told me to "take a bus, you mother fucker!" Therefore, I need your help to figure out more songs that would help me endure the trip. Consider this the "Commuters Anonymous" topic.


Also, a preemptive strike against car owners - you don't know what it's like, so pipe down!



 


Comments page 2 / 2

Comments: 45   Visited by: 148 users
21.11.2008 - 05:27
Fhuesc
@warman: i really hate the people that puts his/her music too loud in the public transport or in their cars. I think it's a lack of respect to the other users, and that makes the ride more tedious than it should be.
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Hasta la victoria, siempre!
Until victory, always!
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21.11.2008 - 11:09
Bad English
Masterchief
Written by Fhuesc on 21.11.2008 at 05:27

@warman: i really hate the people that puts his/her music too loud in the public transport or in their cars. I think it's a lack of respect to the other users, and that makes the ride more tedious than it should be.


Come here here aall kid splay fucking hip hop in sel pfones, till skin head kick his face whit boote and broke it , realy it hepened, IMO we shood not fight against smoking in public places but against self pfone music in piblic places
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Life is to short for LOVE, there is many great things to do online !!!

Stormtroopers of Death - ''Speak English or Die''

I better die, because I never will learn speek english, so I choose dieing
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21.11.2008 - 11:11
Bad English
Masterchief
Written by Warman on 20.11.2008 at 02:52

I actually like taking the bus, subway or train. It's nice just sitting there, looking out the window, blasting Metal out of your headphones and have people looking horrified at you ("What's that satanic horrible music he's listening too? Poor guy, he was probably molested and sexually abused by his parents"). The best is when people actually change seats when I play my music really loud.

Thats why I wanna go by train Stockholm-Lulea when there are midnight sun time
I liked public transport in Styockholm too, that fast train and airport bus are great, IMO in not home town(only westrer Europa) its amazing
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Life is to short for LOVE, there is many great things to do online !!!

Stormtroopers of Death - ''Speak English or Die''

I better die, because I never will learn speek english, so I choose dieing
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21.11.2008 - 14:23
Warman
Erotic Stains
Written by Fhuesc on 21.11.2008 at 05:27

@warman: i really hate the people that puts his/her music too loud in the public transport or in their cars. I think it's a lack of respect to the other users, and that makes the ride more tedious than it should be.

Haha yeah, I hate it too! But I'm such a baby so I have to get my revenge on all the other people who does that. And I've also just found out that I hear really bad on my left ear. So what's loud to people next to me, isn't really that loud to me.
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22.11.2008 - 17:30
Stuart
MiseryKing
@warman, its really annoying and downright rude when people play music loud on public transport, learn some consideration to other people. plus music just sounds shit when its loud enough to be heard but not loud enough to be enjoyed.

If you catch public transport regularly and see the same fuckers everyday who are equally annoying (for doing things like playing music to loud), a great song is Nick cave's - O'Malleys Bar. Ok so its actualy about killing everybody in a bar and not about a bus, but you can imagine that its killing every fucker on that bus. I know its not metal, but what is more metal than an entire album about murder?!
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24.11.2008 - 09:17
nana.MD
Star-Queen
...lol there's alot of hot chicks around making viking men happy haha...well there's nothing like that in mexico, at least for girls like me :p

...music always makes things better, i sometimes get stuck into traffic for a long long time but if there's good music i don't get that desperate...
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Live how you want just don't feed on me, if you doubt what I say I will make you believe...
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26.11.2008 - 03:26
-DC-002-
Mastercommander
I always listen to music on the bus if I'm by myself. I sometimes wonder If people can hear it clearly because I can't really tell. I do turn it down just in case if there's a sleeping baby or something like that near me. You know, because I'm such a swell guy
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Coldgrits
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29.11.2008 - 02:59
Stuart
MiseryKing
All people need to do is buy a good pair of earphones and job done, you can listen to it as loud as you like and nobody will hear it
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29.11.2008 - 18:33
Marcel Hubregtse
Grumpy Old Fuck
Written by Stuart on 29.11.2008 at 02:59

All people need to do is buy a good pair of earphones and job done, you can listen to it as loud as you like and nobody will hear it


Agreed.

But I don't mind it too much when I can hear music seep through people's headphones. What I find annoying is when morons play their music through their mobile phone so that everyone can hear their crappy taste in music. I notice that this is usually done by people that like RnB. They actually think the entire world likes that annoying music
When I tell them to turn it down or put on headphones the usual answer I get: "But this is good music everyone likes." NO IT IS NOT, you fucking moron. Don't bug me with your annoying RnB cause I don't bug you with my taste in music now do I?
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Member of the true crusade against European Flower Metal

Yesterday is dead and gone, tomorrow is out of sight
Dawn Crosby (r.i.p.)
05.04.1963 - 15.12.1996

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29.11.2008 - 19:50
Thryce
Retired Staff
Written by Marcel Hubregtse on 29.11.2008 at 18:33

What I find annoying is when morons play their music through their mobile phone so that everyone can hear their crappy taste in music. I notice that this is usually done by people that like RnB. They actually think the entire world likes that annoying music

Indeed, this is highly annoying. Not so long ago I took the bus with one of these guys sitting all alone on the back seat, acting really "tough" and "badass". He had ginger hair, his one ear was pierced with of on those sparkling little diamonds and he was wearing a white "michelin man" jacket with a fur collar - indeed, quite the fashion-conscious fellow. But also his taste in music was quite deplorable, playing RnB and similar crap really loud through his fancy mobile phone. But suddenly this song popped on... He tried not to lose his face by tapping his feet on the floor, only making it worse of course. After a minute or so (and a long grin from my side), he embarrassedly turned off his phone and quietly kept looking at the floor until his stop.


Headphones, people! Headphones. That is all.
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Your favorite band sucks.
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29.11.2008 - 21:16
Hamird
HIV+
Written by Marcel Hubregtse on 29.11.2008 at 18:33

What I find annoying is when morons play their music through their mobile phone so that everyone can hear their crappy taste in music. I notice that this is usually done by people that like RnB. They actually think the entire world likes that annoying music



Oh, it's seriously annoying. Specially when you are in the underground metro at 6a.m and hear the noise.. And as you mentioned they're mostly Rap and R n' B. I
think after the invention of headphones it's logical not to share your music with others..
I use my headphones to get rid of those music and listen to mine.
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18.08.2009 - 05:44
flickaa
I never been to the east coast but amerikan public transportation has generally a bad reputation its horrible... I've ridden buses in Los Angeles.. its a piece of shit i might as well walk than sit with a bunch of homeless...
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19.08.2009 - 12:57
Ernis
狼獾
Written by Thryce on 29.11.2008 at 19:50

But suddenly this song popped on...

Headphones, people! Headphones. That is all.

What song was it?

Concerning headphones, the large ones make quite a lot of noise, the ones that are outside ears also tend to do that...the small headphones that go inside the ears also let all the sound out....the only ones that don't do that are the small rubber ones that go inside the ear...the rubber doesn't let them drop out (good for my hedgehog size ears) plus the rubber seems to make them soundproof....
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Go ahead, make my day...
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27.03.2010 - 21:50
Don Martin
le fu-
Dear god, I hate buses. I ain't in one frequently but bus drivers in Belgium seem to be blind, down-syndrome monkeys. Me and my friend were returning from school once and we come to this street and the whole street is packed with at least six buses. Now let me tell ya, the street was about 6 meters wide and between all the six buses there was a massive crowd of people and cyclists. I could slay infants at moments like that...
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What a tackastrophe!
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12.07.2012 - 15:13
johnharrison
Thats definitely a bad day for you.. right now im looking for aftermarket auto parts bargain to repair my car.. so that i wont experience what you did..
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