Aliens vs. Predator: Remorse
As we all know the movie industry of today is completely pussified. They just don't make movies as they used to anymore. The action/horror films of today look more like wild-rides in Disneyland. All that would be just fine if the producers of a certain movie-mecca, which shall remain nameless (it's Hollywood, by the way) would leave the iconic characters of the 70's and 80's be and not milk 'em like cows. Sadly, two such creatures, namely the Alien and the Predator are far too compelling not to be exploited by the movie megacorps of today. Yes sir, Hollywood has succeeded where Weyland-Yutani failed - in enslaving the Alien Xenomorphs.
Actually I must say that the new AvP movie, titled „Requiem" was not all that bad. I would insert a ***SPOILER ALERT*** here but we all know that today's action movies are predictable anyway, so fuck it. So, on the plus side, AvP2 did deliver insane amounts of carnage, even if it was occasionally a bit far-fetched. For instance, if the Predator was in such a hurry to cover up any Alien activity on Earth then why did he take the time to actually skin one of his victims? Or why did he bother disposing of Alien bodies when these were piling up left and right anyways, alongside with mangled human corpses? Fair enough, the bloodfest was impressive, so I digest. Also, an entire small town got nuked in the end - and even if it sadly killed the remainder of the Alien hive, thus eliminating the possibility of Earth's demise, I count that as a win. Plus we all knew that Earth would (amazingly) survive this horrendous Alien infestation, since the old (read: good) Alien movies are, after all, set in the distant future. OK, the human civilization should have been wiped out in AvP2, but we've established that this could simply not have happened. But despite the horrendous death toll, the movie was far, far too forgiving. Take a deep breath…
Four people survived.
Four people! My god, this movie could not have ended more happy if Barney the Dinosaur had sodomized Cookoo-land. It couldn't have been more merciful on the pitiful humans if Jesus himself had directed it. Survivors of the Alien onslaught included a strong female character and her daughter (which I was OK with), one overly cocky ex-burglar and one whiny teenager. The latter was pierced by an Alien's tail and lived to tell the tale. I'm sorry - Mr. Strau... Stros… whatever - this is unrealistic. Humans should drop dead at the mere sight of a Xenomorph. The other surviving man should have died during his admittedly courageous attempt to lure the Xenomorphs away from the escape helicopter, perishing gloriously like a good martyr bitch he was. Sadly he managed to pull off a Hollywoodistic escape under extremely dubious circumstances.
Hereby I would like to point out a few additional downer's in the movie.
Firstly, at one point a small group of people managed to secure a hi-tech National Guard Bradley APC (the soldiers perished in about five minutes after entering the town) and concluded they now had two choices - One: drive the APC to the city centre and wait for the military's evacuation (read: nuclear strike) at the stadium (Yeah right, how did they not see that one coming). Or Two: Drive the heavily armored APC to the Hospital in hopes of making their way through the CLEARLY Alien-infested hallways to the roof, where there still MIGHT be a helicopter. Is it just me or did the townsfolk miss the third and rather obvious option? How about driving the goddamn APC to the nearest exit and getting the hell out of the town? But no, they opted for the Hospital and in the process of finding the roof, they lost more members of their rapidly diminishing party - which I saw as a good thing.
Secondly… well let me just say that there is NO place for teen-drama in an Alien/Predator movie. Kristen Hager was seriously hot (and practically naked at one point - har har…), but the only fitting characters for such a movie would be either overly bulky rescue soldiers named „Dutch" and „Blaine" or the Colonial Marines. Which brings us to…
Homoeroticism! In the vein of classic 80's action movies, the final fight between the Predator and the Predalien was über-gay, as the two clearly randy monsters manhandled each other in nuclear fire. Their man-love was so passionate, that had they survived the nuclear blast, they would have both gotten pregnant.
Verdict: Even though four survivors is way, way too much for a movie featuring both Aliens and a Predator and despite the rather idiotic plot, AvP2 was not a huge letdown. The aliens did manage to process tons and tons of human flesh during the film and even create particularly disgusting scenes in the hospital's infirmary. Still, I feel that Hollywood has gotten soft. Today's horror flicks mainly rely on CGI and hyper-fast paced action scenes, rather than on portraying embodiments of sheer terror and mental anguish. This is wrong. It's not the jumpy-scenes or scare moments that make a great monster movie - it's the subtle portrayal of unimaginable and unprecedented Lovecraftian horror and the slowly creeping tension. Compared to AvP2, the death-toll in the original 1979 „Alien" was miniscule. But was it more terrifying? You bet it was. Would I watch AvP alone in a dark room? Absolutely. Would I do the same with „Alien"? Hell to the no.
Solution: Mr. Hollywood, here's a prescription for a pair of testicles. Come back when you got a pair and start doing justice to the ultimate movie monsters.
Or die painfully.
In nuclear fire…
P.S. I will forgive Hollywood if the next movie off the conveyor belt features nothing less than the complete and utter destruction of the human race.
And no, Hitchhiker's Guide doesn't count.
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| Marcel Hubregtse
Grumpy Old Fuck
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