Written by:	destroyah
Published:	03.02.2009

Ever since some eggheads figured out when the 13th B'ak'tun of the Mayan Long Count calendar ends, millions (figure unverified) of theories have sprung about what will happen when 2012 dawns. I personally would venture to suggest that the 13th cycle will end and the 14th will begin, but many people feel it might not be as straightforward. Therefore, I gathered and carefully analyzed some of the better known theories about 2012 using a vast array of academic documents (wikipedia, that is).

I will present my fabulous debunk-work as a series of replies to imaginary e-mails. This is partly due to systematic reasons, partly due to me not having a lot of friends.



E-mail #1 - Hi, I live in a basement and make tinfoil hats. I believe that in 2012, all of mankind will become psychically interconnected!


The idea that one day all of mankind will be mentally interconnected is not a new one and many believe that in 2012 humanity will become one at the flick of a switch. Did you picture a massive global orgy? No? Go ahead, do it (well worth it), and continue reading when you're done. Anyways, this belief is unsurprisingly quite popular among the New Age folk. Technically, in 2012 we should all be able to tap into the general mind-reserve of humanity. Mind you, New Age people also bow down to any random crystal skull they come across.









But even if you exclude the apparent eccentricities of such movements, other problems emerge. I don't know about you, but I would think twice before taking a peek at what the collective human mind withholds. You see, the whole C-consciousness thing presumes that once mankind becomes one, we will like, live in peace and harmony and shit - a theory that a three year old could shoot holes in. Take a look at the past, say 2000 years, of human history - how many percent have we evolved since then? Zero would be the correct estimate. Of course you would argue and point to everything we've achieved in those two millenniums.

The trouble is, we haven't achieved anything. It has taken a miniscule group of chaps in lab coats (or fancy wizard robes, as I like to imagine) painstaking and time consuming work to get us to where we are. And even so, most of our brilliant achievements in sciences find practical applications in either the military or in the entertainment industry, where they are stamping out smaller and smaller iPod's by their thousands, for your dumb self to drool on. But suppose for a second that within this year that 0% of human development becomes 1%. That would mean our mental capacity is growing at a comfortable and carefree 1 per cent every 2000 years. At this rate it would take us 200,000 years to double our current potential.









Before you go pasting "Apocalypse 202,012 A.D.!" in your signature, you also might want to ponder over the insignificance of your infinitely small life first.

Another thing you should bare in mind is the astonishing diversity of people we share this planet with. Just imagine sharing your consciousness with hordes of murderers, rapists and child molesters. Yeah, not that great, is it? What if each and every one of them would be able to read your deepest, most intimate desires.









Thus I can only assume that the collective human mind would be a terrible, terrible place.



E-mail #2 - In 2012, the mystical Planet X will enter our solar system and its aliens/dolphin people/flying biscuits return to Earth.


Planet X (or "Nibiru" if you REALLY insist) is a hypothetical planet circling our Sun on a freak orbit, popping in to say "hi!" at about every 3600 years. Which is great, if you don't consider one tiny detail. The reason why our Earth is such a lovely place is the fact that it stays at a constant distance from the sun, while cruising at a comfortable speed of 107,218 kilometers per hour. This guarantees the survival of our species, and the survival of all the other species unlucky enough to share a planet with us. Our Earth is furthest from the sun during the winter. Now, imagine being in Antarctica during that winter period. Sucks, huh? Well, the supposed planet Nibiru goes way, way beyond our Earth, straight into the cold and lifeless void of space. In case it does return and its inhabitants land on our Earth, I don't think we have to worry about it too much:









The ancient astronaut theory is much more interesting and I honestly can't think of a way to neither prove or disprove it at the moment. I also must honestly add that I am the kind of person who actually obsesses about the theory. And yet, suppose the Mayans marked the date of the aliens' return in their long count calendar, one has to consider that Mayan B'ak'tuns have passed before, the latter of them in 1647, which is an utterly forgettable and unimportant year in history. Or wait, no? OH SHIT, it was the year that the puritans in England banned Christmas!!! The Mayans may have gotten something right after all. But alas, not about an alien invasion.

But suppose that aliens are coming back on the date the Mayans marked as "somewhat important" (and nothing else). That would mean the last people the aliens saw before leaving, were the Mayans. The blood-thirsty, war-waging, head-chopping Mayans.

I somehow suspect they went home to fetch their blasters.



E-mail #3 - But hey, that asteroid-hitting-us scenario is perfectly reasonable!


Yes. Yes it is. Indeed, should a sizeable celestial body crash into our beloved home planet, the results would surely put a dent in even the most optimistic person's day. But will an asteroid collide with earth on December 21st, 2012? Reliable sources say "hell yes". However, be that as it may, I'm placing my trust into the hordes of real scientists who pour millions into their grand project of painstakingly marking and cataloging every single piece of marauding space junk larger than a fridge that cruises through this particular solar system. But of course it is entirely reasonable to presume that the ancient Mayans just may have seen a massive flaming armageddon-stone whoosh past Earth and thought "hey, that was kinda close, this thing might just hit us in 5126 years or so." If you're the kind of person to fall for authors that claim they have "undeniable proof" of such words having actually been uttered by an actual Mayan (proof that they are withholding for some reason), then yes, feel free to kiss your life goodbye. I would recommend you to think twice though, before selling all your possessions for a chance to throw one last gigantic party, which would undoubtedly turn out to be a very lonely sausage-fest.



E-mail #4 - The Earth's magnetic poles will shift/move/dance. Dolphins, nuclear submarines crash.


While the actual geophysical processes take vast amounts of time, people have speculated if our planet's magnetic poles might just decide to "fuck it all" in 2012 (when else?) and go nuts. Theoretically that would pose quite a few problems. Firstly, any technologies using magnetism related, uh, stuff, would be rendered useless. I like to think that should the shift happen, nuclear submarines and dolphins start crashing into one another in a hilarious manner.

Secondly, some scientists have suggested that magnetic fields affect human emotions, somehow. I couldn't find any articles about that, but I once saw a TV show about it, so the theory must hold water, right?

However, I am inclined to believe that such a shift would take a bit more than just a couple of hours. There are people who even claim that Earth's physical poles will pack their bags and go traveling around the world, but again, I doubt that would take them less than an aeon, much like mountains don't form overnight.









E-mail #5 - The rainbows are getting closer to the ground! The U.S. government is to blame. Also there is probably a connection to 2012 as well. (Attached evidence: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_c6HsiixFS8)


You are a very, very special lady.



(Totally academic) conclusions



The world will not end in 2012.
The world will not end in 2012.
The world will not end in 2012.
The world will not end in 2012.
The world will not end in 2012.
The world will not end in 2012.
The world will end in 6,230,300,000.

Have fun waiting.