Red Bull Racers, vol. 1.

Written by: destroyah
Published: 18.08.2009
The following entry is based on a true story, albeit a story that is yet to happen.


- - -

Every now and then you stumble upon an idea so insanely awesome and flat out retarded that it becomes impossible to avoid bringing it to life. "Red Bull Racers" was conceived after drinking insane amounts of coffee (and Red Bull, obviously). The idea was a simple, yet brilliant one - to drive across Estonia in 24 hours or less, while completing various morally challenging objectives along the route. Objectives, which would mostly involve urinating in public places. All this would be done whilst drinking unhealthy amounts of Red Bull, hopefully inducing a drug high by the end of the trip.

The concept itself sounded incredibly awesome in theory. In fact, it seemed to be one of those ideas that never actually materialize - too mind-blowingly awesome to be possible, too idiotic to be sound. But this time we were intent on realizing it as soon as possible. And it was a sure thing to happen, seems as the equipment list for the race was near perfectly compiled. The list went as follows - one big off-road vehicle (steady handling, good brakes, no police record), a rebel flag, one high-powered paintball gun with 500 rounds of ammunition, two tactical vests (preferably with armor plating), several CD's with road music and at least two cases of Red Bull. Naturally we would need proper apparel for the venture, for those special occasions that might arise. Thusly we decided upon equipping ourselves with a Soviet army officer's uniform (for credentials, obviously), in case we'd need to make an incursion into Russia. Also on the list were Hawaiian shirts, road-pirate hats and a Vietnam era steel helmet (the reasons for including the latter remained unclear).

The crew itself (limited to five personnel) would be a rag-tag bunch of do-nothing college students (and possibly one novelist). There was me, the designated driver and Kaur, the substitute driver, in case I became incapacitated during the race (an outcome not entirely unlikely). Then there was Harry, our small arms specialist and public urinating instructor, and Olga who, as a former waitress, possesses nerves of steel and shins of iron (essential qualities for ensuring our survival). For no apparent reason we included in our team Lauri, the resident Jack Black look-alike with no immediately obvious qualifications. The fifth slot remained open, as we are uncertain as to who could best compliment our outfit. Ali, the (alleged) American novelist was one candidate - a man whose seemingly infinite stock of pub tricks was sure to guarantee us a steady influx of cash, mainly at the expense of the many hillbillies we are sure to stumble upon during our mad dash through the redneck counties.

It wasn't long before the plan started falling apart though, seems as getting hold of a decent truck for the trip was turning out to be trickier than anticipated. The preferred method of transportation on which the group was unanimous about, was a Mitsubishi L-200 pickup, cause nothing says "cock extension" like a big ass (albeit Japanese) four by four. Other options included a Honda Civic (a pitiful excuse for a car), a Volvo station wagon (far too safe) and a Mercedes Unimog military truck (far too unrealistic). Rentals were out of the question seems as no-one wanted to be responsible for a car that was unlikely to survive the race.

The route itself was quickly agreed upon - we'd set off from Tallinn under the cover of darkness, pick up our weapons specialist Harry halfway to Haapsalu, proceed to Haapsalu for burgers and public urination on the castle ruins, then on to Pärnu for a swim and more burgers. We'd then use our paintball gun(s) to fight our way to the Ikla border station through the hordes of (possibly feral) cows in order to infiltrate Latvia and urinate on its soil. We'd drive on to Viljandi for activities yet to be specified (activities that may or may not include public urination), before proceeding to Tartu for activities hereby intentionally left undisclosed. Before Tartu the team would make a brief stop at Otepää for a hill climb and possibly a firefight with rednecks. After Tartu the team would try and reach Tallinn before twenty four hours clocked in, possibly stopping at and old orthodox monastery on the way (the compound is a walled one, but the nuns are unlikely to put up much resistance). In Tallinn, the team would disperse and never speak of the things that transpired ever again.

So you see, the plan, albeit a retarded one, was solid.


(To be continued…)


 




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tulkas - 18.08.2009 at 02:05  
These kind of... plans, are the ones that come out great when they don't work out as... planned. Waiting, then, for the continuation
Doc Godin - 18.08.2009 at 04:08  
You need a hobby.
destroyah - 19.08.2009 at 14:39  
Foolishly, Red Bull Estonia has decided to endorse our mad race. I can only hope they've familiarized themselves with our concept...
Warman - 20.08.2009 at 14:45  
Haha this is awesome!
Fhuesc - 20.08.2009 at 19:53  
Can you give me your soviet uniform?
Ivan - 23.08.2009 at 09:52  
Sounds awesome, good luck guys! I once drove around Estonia (was showing the country to my Argentinian friend), using the similar route but in the opposite direction. Was a lot of fun, but since we were not in hurry it took us 2 days longer than your plan
destroyah - 24.08.2009 at 05:40  
Written by Ivan on 23.08.2009 at 09:52

Sounds awesome, good luck guys! I once drove around Estonia (was showing the country to my Argentinian friend), using the similar route but in the opposite direction. Was a lot of fun, but since we were not in hurry it took us 2 days longer than your plan



I just got back and the whole thing took us 22 hours or so. I gotta recap the whole thing somehow. It was a clusterfuck. A fun one, but still. And I think some things are best left untold.

I'm done with road trips for some time now. Also with Red Bull. Storming a hospital emergency room at a random small town in the middle of nowhere at 2 AM asking for full physicals and psychiatric aid is.. just.. wrong.
Doc Godin - 24.08.2009 at 11:01  
Written by destroyah on 24.08.2009 at 05:40

Storming a hospital emergency room at a random small town in the middle of nowhere at 2 AM asking for full physicals and psychiatric aid is.. just.. wrong.

This is the greatest series of words I have read in a long time.
BitterCOld - 24.08.2009 at 22:43  
Written by Doc Godin on 24.08.2009 at 11:01

Written by destroyah on 24.08.2009 at 05:40

Storming a hospital emergency room at a random small town in the middle of nowhere at 2 AM asking for full physicals and psychiatric aid is.. just.. wrong.

This is the greatest series of words I have read in a long time.


agreed.
Bas - 28.08.2009 at 18:01  
"and never speak of the things that transpired ever again."

That's the one part I somehow totally don't see you doing
Darkside Momo - 02.09.2009 at 03:03  
Written by destroyah on 24.08.2009 at 05:40

And I think some things are best left untold.

You'd better be kidding, right?
destroyah - 02.09.2009 at 15:47  
Written by Darkside Momo on 02.09.2009 at 03:03

Written by destroyah on 24.08.2009 at 05:40

And I think some things are best left untold.

You'd better be kidding, right?



Actually it isn't that bad at all, but the cops in Estonia do surf the net very actively and it's perhaps best not to give them any evidence (especially photographic evidence). For example, many things can, and will, go wrong if you have a group of immature fuck-ups-at-life, a powerful car, and a paintball gun with virtually unlimited ammo. Likewise, at some point people might, and will, get the idea that the road is a safe playground for RRRRROOAAD WARRIOR!


We didn't exactly make friends with other drivers.
SilentScream - 08.09.2009 at 00:37  
That is probably the best story I have heard all month. We want details!
GT - 14.09.2009 at 21:34  
I'm so looking forward to the continuation. Especially this part:
Written by destroyah on 24.08.2009 at 05:40

Storming a hospital emergency room at a random small town in the middle of nowhere at 2 AM asking for full physicals and psychiatric aid is.. just.. wrong.
destroyah - 24.09.2009 at 19:16  
Written by GT on 14.09.2009 at 21:34

I'm so looking forward to the continuation. Especially this part:
Written by destroyah on 24.08.2009 at 05:40

Storming a hospital emergency room at a random small town in the middle of nowhere at 2 AM asking for full physicals and psychiatric aid is.. just.. wrong.




Can't tell you much, I stormed out of there after the other driver started impersonating Ice Cube.

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