Blog: Your Own Festival That Blows Hellfest Out Of The Water

Written by: Thryce
Published: 18.06.2010
Right this very instant Hellfest Open Air is taking place.

If you don't know what Hellfest is, congratulations, you are either enjoying your first day on Metal Storm territory, or you are the proud owner of a hot tub time machine (in either case, welcome).

For months we have bombarded you with Hellfest news and announcements, preview articles, give-away contests and more news and announcements. But now that the time has finally come, well, we're not there. And if you're reading this, it obviously means you didn't make it as well. Yeey us for not being there!

The look that says: "100% not attending... and biting the bullet."

The Staff Towers are pretty much abandoned now. Nobody is working at their desks. Marcel's drunken ramblings don't echo from our chill-out room annex bar. Our supersized fridge is completely empty as the bastards took all the food and beer with them "for the road" - fuck! - and the Canadian elites aren't awake yet so I can't order them to fetch me some new booze.

All sober and no Hellfest makes Thryce a cranky boy.

Can you imagine? Around this time, half of the board is there, enjoying the shit out of the festival with its many great bands, watching a good show in the summer sun, having a blast with the many other Metal Stormers, drinking overpriced dishwater (or whatever the heck the French serve as beer)... And we have nothing. Absolutely nothing.

Well, I'm not taking it any longer! I'm here to make a statement... I'm here to start an anti-Hellfest revolution...

Well, that and I'm freaking bored.

So let's have a little fun on our own, shall we. To hell with Hellfest and everyone attending Hellfest, let's organize one kickass festival that is way better and more awesome than silly Hellfest. One that will put Hellfest with their pants down. If everyone makes a list, we'll get there.

Here are the rules of our little game:

  • You can only participate if you didn't go to Hellfest Open Air 2010.
  • You can only pick five bands, and line them up according to the following set-up:

    opening act - warm-up - direct support - headliner - after-party.

  • You have one wildcard to summon a deactivated band to do a one-time reunion gig.
  • You have one wildcard to summon one musician from the death.

In short: just come up with the best line-up since the dawn of fucking time, and select your five all-time/current favorite bands that'll play just for you and your enormous wallet.

I'll go first.

[Insert kickass band] in the middle of their set on [insert awesome name] Fest.

OPENING ACT - WARNING The festival takes off with an exclusive one-time reunion show of Warning, the epic doom metal outfit that broke up somewhere last year. Those hauntingly beautiful soul-crushing songs will be a guaranteed hit, sending chills down many spines.

WARM-UP - HEAVEN SHALL BURN These days there are only a handful of worthwhile metalcore bands that truly deserve your attention, Heaven Shall Burn being one of them. With their death metal instigated metalcore this band will stir up the crowd like a human blender. The perfect warm-up of any festival.

DIRECT SUPPORT ACT - MORBID ANGEL Brilliant live band. No further introduction needed. If you don't see why I lined-up Morbid Angel, stay the fuck off my festival lawn.

HEADLINER - EXODUS (1985-1993 era) Let me tell you a well-kept secret. The best thrash band at the end of the nineties wasn't Metallica, it wasn't even Megadeth (puh-lease!), it was fucking Exodus. For the occasion, the band will be hosting an old school thrash night and only play material coming off their five first records. Why? Because it's my goddamn festival, and I feel like it, that's why.

AFTER PARTY - THE ANGELIC PROCESS After this evening of relentless violence it's time to take a breather and close the festival in an ethereal and mesmerizing atmosphere. Since the late K. Angylus rejoined the land of the living for a few hours, The Angelic Process can end the festival in mysteriously stunning style.

Your turn.


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Susan - 09.07.2010 at 02:29  
Ooh fun! Ok without question the band I would bring back from the dead is After Forever. It's just that I NEVER got to see them live and was about to see them so many times. I always told myself, "I'll see them next time." Blar.

Opener: VOLBEAT. God damn, Volbeat. Can I just say I imagine one hell of a live show from these guys. If their energy is HALF as high as on their records then I'm not sure I'd have the stamina left for 4 more bands.

Warm up: MIZRAAB. Now that Faraz has left Pakistan I can imagine him being able to really put on some amazing shows with the new band members. Somewhat calmer than Volbeat, so it'd be a physical break while still being very mentally stimulating. They'd open with Muntazir and end with Kitni Saadian (and a giant fucking sing-a-long!).

Direct support: AFTER FOREVER. Oh here we go! Geez, I can't pick a tour I'd prefer so let's just say a greatest hits tour. With special guest appearance by Doro for "Who I Am."

Headliner: TURISAS. Is there any other option here? Turisas is the greatest live band I've ever seen and lays waste to all other live bands in ways that are difficult to describe.

After party: Now I can't figure out if an after party following a Turisas show would necessitate a really chill band to calm us down, such as the Gathering w/ Anneke, or an upbeat viking band such as Eluveitie since we'd still be so pumped from seeing Turisas. Hmm.. and the winner is MECHANICAL POET circa Creepy Tales for Freaky Children tour.

So hard to pick just 5! If I could bring a second band back from the dead it would probably be Stride, or maybe Twilightning! Damn, and if there was an alternating second stage I'd like to see Myrath, Dark Moor, Wuthering Heights, Pure Reason Revolution, and Dream Evil in that running order.
skrätte - 17.07.2010 at 11:27  
Written by corrupt on 26.06.2010 at 11:01

I'm surprised how many of you suggest bands they can see live any day anyway. Here's your chance to decide upon a lineup that kills everything that's ever been there and yet people come up with such rare gems as Arch Enemy, Children Of Bodom, Iron Maiden, Nightwish and Ensiferum.

Come on people, you can resurrect the dead and reunite bands here.

What you are completely failing to acknowledge, here, is that this is not about just seeing any one band, it's about seeing your dream line-up. I'm sure that a lot of the people who chose Opeth have seen Opeth live.. but they've not had the festival experience to see Opeth along with the other bands they've chosen.

A good festival is like a good band... in where the whole is greater than the sum of its parts.
Milena - 19.08.2011 at 21:27  
Reading this thread makes me sad.
Oaken - 16.08.2012 at 02:25  
A metal fest that only includes Atmospheric Black Metal bands (Not necessarily cascadian though). The stage is situated in a forest somewhere in the cascadian mountain range. Shamans come to the fest and perform rituals to enhance the atmosphere.
Opener: Deafheaven
Warm Up: Fell Voices
Direct Support: Agalloch
Headliner: Wolves In The Throne Room
After Party: Ash Borer
Only included bands that actually play live. And Agalloch isn't really that black metal, but they definitely suit the fest.

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