Rating:
4.5
The Coffeen - You Must Be Certain Of The Coffeen
15 April 2013


01. The Coffeen
02. Satan Is Pop
03. Zombie's Bar
04. FistFuck Rising
05. When The Telephone Doesn't Ring
06. Zombies For Breakfast


Whenever I get sent a new album to review, especially from a band that I have not heard of, I get really excited. Such was the case with this new album for a band called The Coffeen. Sadly, that excitement flew out the window pretty quickly. After the first minute I could tell that I was going to be rather disappointed with this record.

The Coffeen plays a generic white bread dumbed down stoner style hard rock/heavy metal. It was actually rather difficult to make it through the songs because they were just boring. The opening track just recycled the same riff over and over with tedious vocals meandering over the same lines only to be broken up with the guitar solo that could possibly be the most uninspiring solo I have ever heard. We quickly change from dull to irritatingly immature as the next several songs display some of the dumbest lyrics outside of nu metal. There were a few times I had to do a double take to make sure I really did hear the words coming from this album and it wasn't just my imagination.

The band seems to have and affection for zombies, which in all honesty is not a bad thing. A zombie themed concept album could be really cool. I mean a psychological look at a zombie invasion told through music could be an interesting thing. We could go the other route and be tongue in cheek and make a fun album about zombies. This is somewhere in between and its missing the mark. It is not clever nor is it funny.

There were a few moments on this record where I heard a riff or rhythm pattern that was decent but nothing to save it. This album is just bad. I really hate to say that about a record but it was a real chore to get through this. Between the boring music and the childish type lyrics, I highly recommend everybody avoid this record. This isn't the sort of "it's so bad it's good" record, this is the "so bad lets forget about it type" of record.


Website: http://www.youtube.com/user/thecoffeenband


 



Written on 02.05.2013 by
Dane Train
Dane hails from Asheville, NC which is Beer City, USA. When he is not drinking various craft and micro brews, Dane fronts the Stoner Doom Metal band, The Quick. He also has a massive collection of Hellboy comic books.
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Ace Frawley - 02.05.2013 at 20:26  
That coffin shape reminds me of the Death Magnetic album cover.
silenius - 02.05.2013 at 21:36  
Listened to the song on youtube, pure utter shit AVOID at all costs. WTF is up with those vocals? he sounds bored to death and more than a little bit stoned.
PocketMetal - 02.05.2013 at 21:41  
Interesting album name but .... I guess I'll pass .
Cynic Metalhead - 03.05.2013 at 08:20  
Written by Ace Frawley on 02.05.2013 at 20:26

That coffin shape reminds me of the Death Magnetic album cover.


except for those magnetic fields.
BoxCar Willy - 04.05.2013 at 01:52  
Wow, this is awful. Boring as hell.
Ace Frawley - 04.05.2013 at 03:37  
Written by Cynic Metalhead on 03.05.2013 at 08:20

Written by Ace Frawley on 02.05.2013 at 20:26

That coffin shape reminds me of the Death Magnetic album cover.


except for those magnetic fields.


Or iron filings. My memory from school is that you can't see magnetic fields. Anyway, both cr&polla album covers I reckon.
Cynic Metalhead - 04.05.2013 at 05:02  
Written by Ace Frawley on 04.05.2013 at 03:37

Written by Cynic Metalhead on 03.05.2013 at 08:20

Written by Ace Frawley on 02.05.2013 at 20:26

That coffin shape reminds me of the Death Magnetic album cover.


except for those magnetic fields.


Or iron filings. My memory from school is that you can't see magnetic fields.


Put in perfect view, yeah, iron filings is right. Well, i have always been a backbencher in Physics class, not to forget on every first paper of physics( Unit test, Half yearly or Final exams) i use to flunk. So, excuse me.

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