The world shook today when Metal Storm mastermind Ivan spread the prophetic word he is calling it quits in order to breed cows and ducks. In an official press release the wacko admin dude revealed he is quitting his job and liked the idea of breeding "prize Charolais cattle and handsome Fawn Runner ducks." Some pictures of Ivan showing his livestock at a local meadow and farm near Mõisaküla, a tiny Estonian town boasting a population of only 1081, have been posted online at the official homepage of the official website of the metal webzine of Metal Storm. In other words here and here. (WARNING: explicit content. Get ready to die a little inside). The Bank of Estonia already announced that they will be ready to intervene in case the news will rattle the currency markets.

The MS Staff confirmed the story in the meantime. They added they already saw it coming for a while now. A source inside the Staff even confirmed it's not the first time Ivan was having plans "to retire and cash out in the agriculture sector". Rumour has it Ivan has been thinking about selling the site he founded and created to some famous big farm months ago. He even had a name for it already: "Metal Farm: Home Of Heavy Cattle."

Another source talks about the latest time Ivan left the place. A couple of months ago, Ivan was away for a very long time. Afterwards he told a strange and epic story about photographing the most metal swan ever, meeting a magical talking pumpkin dressed up in a tuxedo who wanted to get "intimate" at a pole dancing contest, Cthulhu appearing to him in a cowboy costume and ordering him to buy country cds instead of the Britney Spears cd that was reviewed later [Link], and his search for his long lost twin sister Ivana (widely known from the Austin Powers movie), who looks exactly like Ivan but with longer hair and smaller boobs, and who has a gangsta rap webzine. The source further denied he ever bought mushrooms from Ivan's Metal Farm.

Of course this all sounds like a metalized storm in a teacup at an average Gorgoroth tea party, but the MS Staff didn't throw in the towel yet and decided they will move on without Ivan until his glorious return... Also the Staff announced they will continue to run the site whatsoever and are currently looking for a suitable temporary replacement for Ivan. Among the possible successors is rumoured to be Kariasakis7, who is believed to be one of the most sober, popular and beloved members of the Metal Storm community. He already commented that, if he would get the job, he would change the name to "Matel Sotrm... Ov Booz xaxaxa".

Next to a few "minor" changes in logo, lay-out and metal attitude, the MS Staff are hereby announcing another new rule for all members. The new basic rule, going into operation as of today, declares an absolute ban of being drunk and/or nude when you log in to Metal Storm. Especially abusers without wearing pants (and touching their tralala) will be haunted down mercilessly. Apparently there were a lot of complaints by regular visitors and neighbours of the webzine. A lot of people especially seemed to be complaining about the language used in "the sexxx-box" on "Metal Porn", so the Staff has had enough. Next to that, the moniker "Information Highway" itself seems to be responsible for this new rule too... Apparently the MS Staff thinks being drunk on a highway is bad, no matter what kind of highway it is.

The Staff - being under new management now - issued the following krieg statement concerning the matter: "Who wants to come out and support drunkenness and computer sex? Maybe Ivan did, but NOT the true metalstorm.ee. From now on we only want to support Blakk Metul!!! And maybe Satam or what's his name too, but so far we're still undecided about that dude."

The Ivan-era is over. Follow us all into eternal damnation by following this kvlt link. AVE SATAMI!

-- The True Metal Storm Staff

Source:

metalstorm.ee