101 Rules For Going To A Metal Concert
101 Rules For Going To A Metal Concert
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9.2 | 57 votes |
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1. Wear the band's shirt that you are there to see, even though it's already obvious 2. Go to the merch stand, stare forever while holding back the line, then leave without buying anything 3. When a musician gives you the microphone to scream a lyric, just yell random nonsense because you don't know the lyrics 4. Be too drunk to remember lyrics? or the show afterwards 5. Sing along loudly during ballads 6. Always mosh! This is non-negotiable 7. Lose your wallet 8. Get drunk 9. Yell a song that you want to hear, even though the band already played it 10. Bring your girlfriend to the show so she can hold your coat while you mosh 11. Swing your long, sexy metal hair even if it hits other people in their faces, but make sure not to wash it before hand 12. Don't headbang unless you have long hair 13. Don't bother to wear earplugs 14. Make out with your girlfriend in front of everyone 15. Since you are a pathetic, desperate metal head, violate any female that crowd-surfs. It's not sexual assault if no one sees it! 16. Be more brutal in the pit than a poodle with a sex change 17. If you're a really tall metal head, stand in the front. The only thing that matters is that YOU get the best view 18. Take pictures of the band playing with your shitty cell phone and then post them on your MySpace 19. Record 30 seconds of a song with your phone, then post it on YouTube 20. Talk on your cell phone while a band is playing, plug one hear with your finger, and try to shout over the music 21. But then later, lose your cell phone 22. Take your shirt off to look tough in the mosh pit 23. Guys don't care if they rub against sweaty, shirtless men, as long as they're METAL HEADS 24. During a fast and epic guitar solos, raise your hand and move your fingers really fast 25. During a really brutal or epic part of a song, hold up one open, clenched palm up in the air 26. Be more brutal in the pit than a zombie three-some 27. Fart next to a smelly, fat metal head and blame it on him 28. If you're too much of a pussy to mosh, then act tough by standing at the edge of the pit and push random moshers 29. Skip like a little school girl in the circle pit 30. Throw up your booze in the mosh pit - making the ground slippery only makes the show more brutal 31. Spend more money on alcohol than merch 32. Don't show up for the opening bands - the only bands that deserve your attention are the headliners 33. You must see Iron Maiden and Children of Bodom live every time they come to your city! 34. You cannot get the full concert experience with ear plugs - save them for the opening metalcore band 35. Don't bother with deodorant - you're going to mosh too hard for it to stay on anyways 36. Push as forward as you can during the headlining band to get as close as possible 37. Close male-to-male touching isn't gay at a metal concert 38. Girls shouldn't mosh unless they're lesbian 39. Be more brutal in the pit than 2 Girls 1 Snowcone Machine 40. A concert is always more important than your job 41. Be more brutal than your penile implant melting in the hot sun 42. If you're a girl, wear the slutiest outfit possible to the show 43. When crowd surfing, don't bother controlling your feet 44. People in the crowd don't mind getting kicked in the face 45. If you're huge and fat, don't be afraid to stage dive 46. The short, nerdy, folk metal fan will surely catch your fat ass 47. Be more brutal in the pit than The Jonas Brothers attempting gutturals 48. Anytime the vocalist announces the name of the next song, scream in excitement, even though you aren't familiar with it 49. Wear as much metal jewelry as possible 50. Metal spikes, studs, bracelets, etc. are acceptable even if they can cause serious injury and deadly impalement 51. Beat up the kid in the crowd who is wearing the As I Lay Dying shirt 52. Act tough while standing by yourself, while wearing your Trivium shirt and expensive Hot Topic pants 53. Try to sneak in the bar even if you're underage 54. Mosh for a band that isn't even fast! 55. You're too drunk anyways to be embarrassed 56. Say that your favorite band put on the best show ever, but don't go and see them again 57. Throw up the horns in between every song 58. Metal concerts are the only concerts worth attending 59. If you see someone standing around, throw them into the pit 60. Dress as metal as possible for the concert - remember, accessorizing is key 61. If you don't mosh, then you are gay 62. Tell your mom that you're going to a Green Day concert, even though you are actually seeing Cannibal Corpse 63. Force your girlfriend to go to your metal concert, but when she asks you to go to a Chevelle concert with her, make up an excuse not to go 64. Keyboard solos are even more epic live 65. Smoke in between and during each band 66. Mosh for a few seconds, then stop because you are too tired to continue 67. Then smoke again 68. Don't be afraid to mosh or crowd surf while wearing combat boots 69. It is ok to kick even if you're wearing combat boots, unless you're hardcore dancing, then gtfo 70. Laugh at the random metalcore band that was added to the lineup at the last minute 71. And do not mosh for them 72. If you're a black metal fan at a death metal show, complain about the bands not being atmospheric enough 73. If you're a death metal fan at a black metal show, complain about the bands not being brutal enough 74. Don't buy a band's album at their merch table - just download it when you get home 75. Get a picture of yourself with a band member, but you have to pose while showing the horns with a brutal facial expression 76. You aren't a real fan unless you see your favorite band during their third re-reunion tour 77. Get drunk so you can't feel pain in the pit 78. Always flex during brutal parts of a song 79. Before the show, make friends with the biggest dudes you can find. Think of it as mosher's insurance 80. Don't be afraid to tie your shoe in the middle of a mosh pit 81. Destroy all hardcore dancers 82. Focus on the little 14 year olds in the pit to make you look tougher 83. Mosh with a boner so people fear you more 84. The harder you mosh, the greater chance that you will get laid, even though you didn't take a shower 85. If you're short, just use your elbows for leverage 86. Be more brutal in the pit than attending church naked 87. Perform a series of neck stretches before the show to ensure neck longevity 88. A concert that has seating is gay and therefore not metal 89. Drunkenly babble to everyone near you, thinking that they're interested in your opinions 90. Mosh so hard in the beginning and middle of the concert that you are too tired to move during the headlining band 91. Have your mom drop you off at the show 92. Even though she said she'd only drop you off if you take your little sister to the upcoming Jonas Brothers concert 93. Lose your shoe in the pit at least once during every band 94. Miss the band's first song because you were outside smoking 95. Moshing counts as exercise 96. Be more brutal than the decapitated prostitute decaying in your trunk 97. Go to a show looking to get laid, even though there are only four women in the entire venue, and three of them look like trolls 98. Stick around after the show forever, hoping to meet a band member 99. Offer a musician some free weed just to be able to hang out with them 100. Write about your newest concert experience in the appropriate Metal Storm thread 101. Always help someone up in the pit if they fall down |
Comments
| Dangerboner Lactation Cnslt Posts: 7261 From: USA  |
Don't take this too seriously. I wrote it in one sitting and it's basically just me listing a bunch of stuff I hate that goes on at most concerts 
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| parallax Posts: 336 From: USA  |
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| JÄY Metal slave Posts: 1567 From: USA  |
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| Dangerboner Lactation Cnslt Posts: 7261 From: USA |
Thanks yeah, when I was in high school and living with my mom, she must have thought I saw Green Day like 20 times when they were really just all death metal shows  I've probably lost my wallet at least four times at a show too
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| Warman Erotic Stains Posts: 7695 From: Sweden  |
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| Warman Erotic Stains Posts: 7695 From: Sweden |
Written by Irritable Ted on 24.02.2010 at 20:07 I seriously hate you guys!
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| Introspekrieg Totemic Lust Posts: 2747 From: USA  |
Quote: I would be terrified... and the rules about smoking were 100% accurate. 
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| Warman Erotic Stains Posts: 7695 From: Sweden |
Written by Irritable Ted on 25.02.2010 at 01:42 Ah, you're so sweet.
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| whatsacow Posts: 2075 From: Australia  |
19. Record 30 seconds of a song with your phone, then post it on YouTube 22. Take your shirt off to look tough in the mosh pit 42. If you're a girl, wear the slutiest outfit possible to the show 76. You aren't a real fan unless you see your favorite band during their third re-reunion tour Ah, who hasn't been there lol.
---- When God made up the golden rule, do you think he noticed that it condones rape?
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| Entropic Silence Posts: 251 From: New Zealand  |
39. Be more brutal in the pit than 2 Girls 1 Snowcone Machine This may be the greatest rule of all time... That was good. 9
---- VICTORY!!!!! (They love it in France)
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| X-Ray Rod Skandino Posts: 18274 From: Sweden  |
Hahhaha Nice post Dangerboner, one of my faovrite rules was the one about youtube videos.. that's horrible. Written by Irritable Ted on 24.02.2010 at 20:07 Ahhh C'mon! Some people have bad genes that's all  Although I'm around 5 feet and 7-8 inches last time I checked...
---- Written by BloodTears on 19.08.2011 at 18:29 Written by Milena on 20.06.2012 at 10:49
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| Boxcar Willy yr a kook Posts: 8978 From: Canada  |
Hahaha!!!!
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| Bloody Rain I Am The Night Posts: 1192 From: Canada  |
Wow, this is so funny because it's so true. A few more I would add is: 102. If you show up when the doors open, always rush over to the merch table and buy 3 shirts. 103. Make sure never to wear them after the concert. 104. Spend at least $40 on beer at every show. 105. Despite this, the reason why you download is because you're poor and you can never afford to buy cds.
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| Warman Erotic Stains Posts: 7695 From: Sweden |
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| X-Ray Rod Skandino Posts: 18274 From: Sweden |
I'll help you... we can cut off his legs.
---- Written by BloodTears on 19.08.2011 at 18:29 Written by Milena on 20.06.2012 at 10:49
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| Valentin B Iconoclast Posts: 10084 From: Czech Republic  |
LOL i'm pretty tall (1.85 meters) but i subscribe to rule no. 17. THERE IS ALWAYS A TALLER ASSHOLE AROUND JUST STANDING IN YOUR FACE.
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| X-Ray Rod Skandino Posts: 18274 From: Sweden |
Written by Valentin B on 02.03.2010 at 14:42 LMAO, I agree with that, I've seen really fucking tall dudes being in front of other dudes that were tall but not that much
---- Written by BloodTears on 19.08.2011 at 18:29 Written by Milena on 20.06.2012 at 10:49
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| Boxcar Willy yr a kook Posts: 8978 From: Canada |
Written by X-Ray Rod on 01.03.2010 at 16:00 i'll help too...! im 5'-3" don't laugh!!! 
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| Boxcar Willy yr a kook Posts: 8978 From: Canada |
Written by Introspekrieg on 25.02.2010 at 00:48 me too!
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| Marcel Hubregtse Grumpy Old Fuck Posts: 40071 From: The Netherlands  |
Written by Irritable Ted on 24.02.2010 at 20:07 Somehow I don't understand why people consider six foot tall. I am 5'9" and am a tiny little fuck in this country where the average height is 6'2" So I guess many of the truly vertically challenged ones shouldn't go see a show in The Netherlands
---- Member of the true crusade against European Flower Metal Yesterday is dead and gone, tomorrow is out of sight Dawn Crosby (r.i.p.) 05.04.1963 - 15.12.1996 
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| Dr.TeM Posts: 13 From: Syria  |
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| Roro Posts: 943 From: Egypt  |
101. Always help someone up in the pit if they fall down ? never!
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| Scorched Earth Posts: 23 From: Canada  |
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| Powerslavex Alexskywalker Posts: 777 From: UK  |
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| Thunderdrake Posts: 54 From: USA  |
I'd have to second that, a lot of this is true. Most of them that I'm not guilty of I've still seen at least one other person do at each show I've gone to. Then again, that's what makes it funny. Good job. 
---- For Metal!!!
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| Daggon Underpaid M.D. Posts: 1689 From: Mexico  |
Being tall in my country is a blessing haha, cuz some of my friends are too short for concerts, also, many metal heads in my contry aren't very tall
---- "Les vers savent qu'ils n'ont pas d'ailes, c'est pour cela qu'ils se cachent sous terre"
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| Valentin B Iconoclast Posts: 10084 From: Czech Republic |
@Danger i think you forgot one essential rule: the more you get to the front-center of the stage while holding on to the railing like crazy and not letting anyone through, and the more you wait for shitty bands to play to see your favorites, the truer a fan you are.
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| I_Die_Often Posts: 697 From: USA  |
17. If you're a really tall metal head, stand in the front. The only thing that matters is that YOU get the best view 18. Take pictures of the band playing with your shitty cell phone and then post them on your MySpace THAT'S ME!, put in my profile here, not MySpace
---- Old enough to be your Daddy... speaking of which... you look familiar... do I know your mother???
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| I_Die_Often Posts: 697 From: USA |
17. If you're a really tall metal head, stand in the front. The only thing that matters is that YOU get the best view 18. Take pictures of the band playing with your shitty cell phone and then post them on your MySpace THAT'S ME!, put in my profile here, not MySpace
---- Old enough to be your Daddy... speaking of which... you look familiar... do I know your mother???
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| Berfones Posts: 354 From: Israel  |
101 is the most metal and honourable thing to do
---- Thine truly,ancient evil overlord
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