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101 rules of Black metal



101 rules of Black metal

Posted by: Ivan
Date: 23.09.2006

9.1 | 63 votes
1. Don't be gay.
2. Be "true".
3. All people who aren't "true" are gay.
4. Be grim.
5. Be necro.
6. Be simultaneously grim and necro if at all possible.
7. Break things while being grim and necro.
8. Don't have fun at concerts. Stand around with arms crossed.
9. Repeat all above while denouncing organized religion in any form.
10. Never ever, EVER under ANY circumstances...
11. ...Listen to Peccatum.
12. When someone asks you if you enjoy the music of Mayhem, point out that you only enjoy the music of "the true" Mayhem. Maniac is gay.
13. Don't play with fuzzy things, excepting that by "play" you mean "burn".
14. Don't be Dani Filth.
15. Never, ever, under any circumstances utter the phrase "Kenny G slams, man."
16. Don't be Dani Filth.
17. When your mom tells you to take out the garbage tell her that you're too metal to remove refuse.
18. Run for it!
19. Sodomize a virgin whore.
20. Sodomize anything that is not male. (Fuzzy things look out!)
21. Make sure your album goes out of print about 3 years after its release... so it becomes 'cult'.
22. When in doubt, say "True Norwiegian Black Metal!"
23. If that doesn't work, blast beats can fill any silence.
24. Turn any cross you find upside-down.
25. Nipple twisting is not a blackmetal activity..
26. Write a cult, underground, grim and necro zine. Feature only interviews with bands no one has heard of, even "true" blackmetallers.
27. Never ever, EVER, EVER be open-minded.
28. Never write songs less than 15 minutes long and containing less than 15 adjectives in the title.
29. a) paint face. b) go in woods. c) act like troll.
30. Don't be Mortiis (or Dani Filth).
31. Don't wear white shoes after Labor Day.
32. Don't make jokes only your mom would get.
33. Don't make jokes.
34. When in doubt, scowl with eyes downturned.
35. Don't eat Marshmellow Peeps.
36. To producers of black metal albums: remember...no low end! If it doesn't hurt to listen to, it can't be "true".
37. Make sure that no less than half of the musicians on your album are "session" members.
38. When in concert, always growl names of songs so that they are imperceptible. This will ensure that anyone who doesn't have your "cult" LP won't get it.
39. Never play live.
40. When getting ready to go to a show, completely forget that the other people there are not going to the show to look at you.
41. Use barbed wire whenever possible. (Note: this assists in being both "necro" and "grim".)
42. When asked by a non true BMer what BM is, say something like, "BM is the raw essence of pure black evil in man", in any case, make sure that by the conversations end, the other person still has no idea what black metal is.
43. Drive one of your band members to suicide, and claim he died because of the "mainstream" "infecting" the "scene".
44. Reform with "old members" and release an album intended to produce commercial success.
45. When it flops say that you meant it to fail cause anything less wouldn't be "true".
46. Have a side project. Ensure that all other members of your band also have side projects.
47. Fill out the other slots in your other member's side projects as "session" musicians.
48. Record everything in the same studio with the same producer/instruments/equipment/etc.
49. Make sure your album cover never consists of more than three colors (color options allowed: grey, black, white).
50. Publicly state that your band is "non-religious", then use the word "Satan" over 400 times on your one-song thirty-minute album.
51. Never stuff your shoes to make them appear puffy and avoid the wearing of backwards baseball caps if at all possible. Red ones in particular.
52. Insist that music should never progress and that it should still sound the same way it did 9 friggin years ago.
53. Never say "friggin".
54. Never finish anything you start.
55. The word "Hail" is the only appropriate greeting whenever greeting someone "true".
56. If feeling especially true on a given occasion, try "Infernal Hails".
57. All logos must include illegible writing and at least one inverted cross and/or pentagram. This is non-negotiable.
58. When referring to sex with a Metal Chick use only the terminology "sticking my clouded frost-spire into her gates of attrition".
59. Design complex logo for your grim black metal band on binder paper in the middle of math class.
60. Accept every interview you're offered...then pretend that you really don't enjoy being interviewed.
61. Thoroughly enjoy Star Trek: The Next Generation.
62. Wait... scratch that last one. (See rule 1)
63. Never divulge to any outsiders the Exact Day of the Divine Arrival of the Massive Hoof. Instead, inform them that they should be ready to suck the Dark Lord's greasy @#%$ at any time.
64. Use the phrase "suck the dark lord's greasy @#%$" whenever possible.
65. If you ever find that you have somehow become a member of Hecate Enthroned, be sure to piece together a music video of scrap footage of yourself walking around in the woods at night looking evil. Only, instead of being night make sure it's the middle of the @#%$ day, and instead of looking evil, look dorky instead. (See also: rule 1)
666. Own hundreds of black metal albums, demos and bootlegs. Listen to approximately 8 of them regularly.
67. Humping a ceramic Virgin Mary in front of your uncle's house is not "pimping it" (unless you tell her you're done then blow in her face like a shotgun when she turns around).
68. Refrain from using keyboard smilies when communicating via the Internet. Single acceptable smily: -(
69. Why isn't the word "Northern" in your album title yet!? Get to it! Amatuers...
70. Spelling things correctly is neither grim nor necro.
71. Norsk Arysk Blak Metal! Rahhh!!
72. No matter where you're from, pretend you're from Norway and therefore 'true'.
73. Don't be Dani Filth. (I think that's clear)
74. All pets you own now will henceforth be known as "Crucifier". Any pets you own in the future will also be known as "Crucifier".
75. True black metaller: "Many of our dark hymns are influenced by the mighty Tolkien... You have not read the works of Tolkien!? Nerd. Wait a minute... It appears I am the nerdy one after all!"
76. @#%$, I'm talking to myself again.
77. Norsk Arysk Blak Metal! Rahhh!!
78. That's better, on with the interview!
80. Create inverted crosses in all possible instances. Suggested tools: Drum sticks, twigs, pool cues, pencils, etc. (See also "clouded frost spire")
81. Profess publicly that you are a Satanist and add that you are in touch with Norway's ancient Pagan past. Pretend that somehow those two facts make sense in conjunction.
82. Stick your dick in the mashed potatoes.
83. Don't make Beastie Boys references.
84. Don't make references.
85. Satanus. Huh huh huhuhuhuh.
86. Huhuhuhuhuhuhuh.
87. If possible, design the title of your album so that it consists of three completely unrelated words. Dimmu Borgir are the master of this (i.e. Enthrone Darkness Triumphant, Spiritual Black Dimensions, Puritanical Euphoric Misanthropia, Godless Savage Garden) but you may also want to refer to Immortal's "Diabolical Fullmoon Mysticism".
88. As we all know, women have no place in the homoerotic world of black metal, but if your girl friend still won't stop bugging you about wanting to be involved in your band, give her a lame spoken word part or something.
89. Never form a band containing you, your wife and/or girlfriend, and some gay looking guy. (See also: rule 11)
90. Go to bed when your mom tells you to.
91. If it's rare, it must be good. Order it immediately.
92. I will not add that as it is not metal enough.
93. Are you metal enough to be reading this?
94. Own every Darkthrone release. Listen to exactly none of them.
95. Own cult-as-@#%$ shirts of bands you not only own no releases of, but also haven't even heard.
96. Use the phrase "cult-as-@#%$" whenever possible.
97. Attempt to randomly throw the word "@#%$" during random segments of your songs. (Kindly refer to Attilla's work on De Mysteriis Dom Sathanas.)
98. In order to make your recording more incomprehensible and therefore more "cult", be sure to either select a singer who has only a tenuous grasp on the language to be sung. (Acceptable languages: Norwegian, Latin, Orcish.)
99. I'll tell you what your album lay out needs...Some titties.
100. And you know what else? How long since you acted like a troll? Pick up that makeup and fight, soldier!
101. You mean to tell me you read this whole thing when you could've have been prancing about in the forest with an axe? For shame! For shaaaaame!!

by Harry and Steve of Kail




Comments

Comments: 123   [ 1 ignored ]   Visited by: 1046 users
24.09.2006 - 16:30
Mindheist
No Longer Human
Euuh, ahem...Nice, Black metallers should follow these rules and then they will turn to Basted and Britney Spears
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24.09.2006 - 16:34
EddieGunner
Valkoinen kuolem
Quote:
86. Huhuhuhuhuhuhuh.

this is best rule
lol
is there any black etal fan who play by whole 101 rule
----
On pirun vaikea selvitä hengissä hautaan saakka
It is damn difficult to stay alive till the grave
Erno Paasilinna
:devil:
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24.09.2006 - 20:26
Remus

Wow this is AWESOME! So tr00... Hmm, i shall try to wite the "insert number" rules of power metal! Maybe death metal would be better...
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Procrastinate, NOW!
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24.09.2006 - 21:13
Necronomicon
Account deleted
ah i love these rules they are so hillarious!!
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24.09.2006 - 21:49
Rainmaker123
Account deleted
Quote:
61. Thoroughly enjoy Star Trek: The Next Generation.
62. Wait... scratch that last one. (See rule 1)


1. Don't be gay.


haha great stuff
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25.09.2006 - 00:54
Promonex
Cathemeral
I just LOVE those 101 rules ^^

Quote:
58. When referring to sex with a Metal Chick use only the terminology "sticking my clouded frost-spire into her gates of attrition".
[...]
80. Create inverted crosses in all possible instances. Suggested tools: Drum sticks, twigs, pool cues, pencils, etc. (See also "clouded frost spire")


----
All life begins with Nu and ends with Nu... This is the truth! This is my belief! ...At least for now.
- The Mystery of Life, Vol. 841 Ch. 26
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29.09.2006 - 21:06
DLMokoma
Account deleted
Haha this is really good. I love it
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03.10.2006 - 01:26
Dam3k

59. Design complex logo for your grim black metal band on binder paper in the middle of math class.

That was cool ^^
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06.10.2006 - 09:03
PRIMAL FEAR
Account deleted
90. Go to bed when your mom tells you to.

I never knew this was one of the oh-so-many kult rules, I'd be surprised if anyone lived by this one:lol:
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14.10.2006 - 04:22
+{Jonas}+
I R Serious Cat
14. Don't be Dani Filth.
16. Don't be Dani Filth.
30. Don't be Mortiis (or Dani Filth).
73. Don't be Dani Filth. (I think that's clear)

Couldn't agree more.
----
"Nobody wants to be the weird kid, you just end up being the weird kid. You don't know how you ended up getting there" - Rob Zombie

http://jonas-bs.deviantart.com My dA, mainly photography, go check it out!
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27.10.2006 - 00:12
Arian Totalis
The Philosopher
@Reindhart: Well said

Also: 58. When referring to sex with a Metal Chick use only the terminology "sticking my clouded frost-spire into her gates of attrition".

and:80. Create inverted crosses in all possible instances. Suggested tools: Drum sticks, twigs, pool cues, pencils, etc. (See also "clouded frost spire")

Fuckin' Hullarious!
----
"For the Coward there is no Life
For the hero there is No Death"
-Kakita Toshimoko

"The Philosopher, you know so much about nothing at all." _Chuck Schuldiner.
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27.10.2006 - 02:05
Xtreme Jax
Psycroptipath
"88. As we all know, women have no place in the homoerotic world of black metal..."

What about Dana Duffey from Demonic Christ?
Well i'd love to met the person that takes these rules and lives by them haha

"67. Humping a ceramic Virgin Mary in front of your uncle's house is not "pimping it" (unless you tell her you're done then blow in her face like a shotgun when she turns around)."
----

Hellcunt Smurf
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27.10.2006 - 15:25
Lucas
Mr. Noise
This one is perfect:

94. Own every Darkthrone release. Listen to exactly none of them.
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SLUDGE. DOOM. DEATH. Wait, what?

"The reason I'm running for president is because I can't be Bruce Springsteen." - Barack Obama
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28.10.2006 - 12:53
Warman
Erotic Stains
Great!
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28.10.2006 - 15:46
Damnated
Churchburner
I don't get the 86 rule
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Blessed is he that murders Christ in himself and in his fellow men.



Written by TheBigRossowski on 10.02.2009 at 16:01

if my wife and I can't conceive, I want a medical shipment of your sperm so our baby will be just like you.
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28.10.2006 - 19:25
Basso
Account deleted
Written by Damnated on 28.10.2006 at 15:46

I don't get the 86 rule


Thats the most frostbitten way to laugh. huhuhuhuhuhuhu
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29.10.2006 - 01:38
Damnated
Churchburner
Written by Guest on 28.10.2006 at 19:25


Thats the most frostbitten way to laugh. huhuhuhuhuhuhu


oh, I guess so. you're right!
----
Blessed is he that murders Christ in himself and in his fellow men.



Written by TheBigRossowski on 10.02.2009 at 16:01

if my wife and I can't conceive, I want a medical shipment of your sperm so our baby will be just like you.
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01.11.2006 - 21:08
ASiema113

Rule #22 should be before rule #24 followed by rule #82 and anyone who doesn't follow these rules isn't rule #2.

NOW FIND SOME DAMN POTATOES!
----

Written by Guest on 18.01.2008 at 09:05

People are always at their very best when they're dead.
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04.11.2006 - 17:03
Abys
Account deleted
Quote:
58. When referring to sex with a Metal Chick use only the terminology "sticking my clouded frost-spire into her gates of attrition".
[...]
80. Create inverted crosses in all possible instances. Suggested tools: Drum sticks, twigs, pool cues, pencils, etc. (See also "clouded frost spire")


LOL LOL LOL LOL
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15.11.2006 - 19:16
Bankler
Account deleted
Eternal darkness!

I like the rules. Got to follow them!
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19.11.2006 - 13:29
Mariela.
Account deleted
I donnot know how many times I've read these rules, but they are great!
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23.11.2006 - 03:52
Angelrot
Account deleted
Classic



21. Make sure your album goes out of print about 3 years after its release... so it becomes 'cult'

39. Never play live.

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27.11.2006 - 02:32
Black Serpent
Account deleted
72. No matter where you're from, pretend you're from Norway and therefore 'true'.

I consider myself Norwegian..
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03.12.2006 - 01:32
Ulven i Manden
Account deleted
I will break rule number 68:
and ones again:
I can't restrain myself:
Damn, I am not "true" and "grim" enough...
I must learn all this rules... now! <-- (I am NOT gay, that's for sure)
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03.12.2006 - 22:40
Ulven i Manden
Account deleted
P. S. I readed this rules yesterday but I am still laughing...
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04.12.2006 - 04:59
Doc G.
Full Grown Hoser
I dont think you put down 'dont be dani filth' nearly enough......and no im not being sarcastic, all 101 of those rules couldve been 'dont be danni filth' and id still be happy.
----
"I got a lot of really good ideas, problem is, most of them suck."
- George Carlin
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15.12.2006 - 21:03
morbid_freak
Account deleted
LOL

Don't be Dani Filth.
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16.12.2006 - 10:33
Murder

Hahahahaha... this rules are great...
Specially
3. All people who aren't "true" are gay.
8. Don't have fun at concerts. Stand around with arms crossed.
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28.12.2006 - 10:23
AlexCromlech
Account deleted
Written by +{Jonas}+ on 14.10.2006 at 04:22

14. Don't be Dani Filth.
16. Don't be Dani Filth.
30. Don't be Mortiis (or Dani Filth).
73. Don't be Dani Filth. (I think that's clear)

Couldn't agree more.

And neither could I!


31. Don't wear white shoes after Labor Day. --- Don't wear white shoes AT ALL!!




Great fucken list!!!!!!
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28.12.2006 - 16:09
darksun

hahahahaha.Funny black metalheads.
----
Dark is the sunlight,we cast the life together
Dark is the sunlight or I'm blind forever..
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