The 69 rules of picking up chicks at metal concerts.

Posted by: Valentin B
Date: 14.11.2010

7.7 | 35 votes
1. Never, ever try to pick up chicks at metal concerts.

2. Just kidding, read on.

3. The more leather you wear; the hotter you will be to chicks.

4. For maximum effect your underwear should be stainless black leather too.

5. Also you should have a huge stainless steel codpiece. Don't worry, if people are staring and laughing, they're jealous of your enormous and overworked dick.

6. It will also come in handy if girls are playing hard to get and kick you as hard as they can in the groin.

7. If that doesn't work, use a cucumber wrapped in aluminum foil.

8. be careful with all the techniques presented here, you might not be able to screw THIS many girls!

9. Repeat after me: I AM A SEX BEAST! Rawer!

10. Scream in your incredibly girly falsetto at classic metal concerts, it will surely impress the ladies.

11. When you try to charm a girl with your incredible personality but she says she has a boyfriend, persevere in standing there awkwardly and staring at her boobs drooling.

12. Remember that No always means Yes. If she resists, use chloroform, she wanted to screw you anyway. You're welcome.

13. If you see a target dressed like a slut, don't bother, her asshole boyfriend will kick your ass instantly if you come near her. Either that or use chloroform on both of them, two birds with one stone!

14. Jagerbombs have an incredible effect that they wipe away your nerdy pimples for each night.

15. Throw chicks in the mosh pit.

16. When she asks you why you didn't enter the pit, tell her it's "because I'll destroy everyone!"

17. Every time you see a girl crowd surfing, grab whatever you can!

18. Then realize it was actually another skinny nerdy dude just like you because hot girls never crowd surf.

19. And based on your boner, that you kind of liked it.

20. If you're obese, stage dive directly on the chick you fancy.

21. If you're skinny, ask her to lift you up because you want to crowd surf.

22. If you're muscular, think about Manowar so you get a boner, then mosh with her.

23. Do cock push-ups.

24. Don't care about the music, you are here to fuck!

25. Unless it's a WASP gig. in that case single out your target, and shout "I FUCK LIKE A BEAST!" in her ear at certain times during the concert while staring at her like a violent sociopath (even though you clearly don't seem like one)

26. If she's disgusted, don't worry, she's just playing hard to get.

27. make sure you stock up on Manowarrior's Shields
You never know when you and your friends might get horny and drunk enough to experiment!

28. In the hell-freezing circumstance that you actually picked up a chick, when you close in for the kill, tell her about your collection of batman comics and Euronymous toilet paper instead of asking to come back at your place.

29. That should get her horny without resorting to go back to your basement luxury suite.

30. Think of what your mother would say! Jesus would be ashamed of you!

31. Brag about your collection of KISS figurines and Lord of the Rings fanfics.

32. At open-air festivals walk around with a sign "will eat pussy for beer".

33. after 5 hours holding up the sign, go masturbate and cry in your tent.

34. When someone asks you for weed/booze, offer to trade some for a handjob.

35. If it's a guy and you go through your spicy magazine during the act it will feel exactly the same!

36. Ask a girl if she sees the band. If she says no, offer to pick her up. She'll only notice the hint subconsciously.

37. Drag target to the front of a wall of death where your drunk-as-hell ass will most likely not feel any pain. She'll thank you and offer a blowjob after it.

38. The fatter and sweatier you are, the more attractive you will be.

39. Single out the insecure targets from the girls present at a metal show.

40. Points to look for: band t-shirt, histrionic make-up, always with a drink in her hand, seems impatient.

41. If she happens to be with friends who cock-block you, whip out your guitar and play the most incredible solo ever.

42. You'll surely attract lots of hot dudes.

43. If you play guitar, your pick-up line should be "that asshole's tone sucks, and he plays like a robot, no feeling at all!"

44. If you play drums, it's "he's constantly losing time! I can play better with my cock!"

45. If you're a vocalist, it's "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!"

46. If you play bass, it's "hey, so, u come here often?"

47. If you are in the band which is playing though, it's much simpler and you don't even have to say anything.

48. If you're the lead guitarist, during a solo extend your guitar from your crotch outwards and point it to target. If she reaches to touch/lick the headstock of the guitar, mission accomplished.

49. If you're the rhythm guitarist, stare at your target while playing with a deranged, creepy smile.

50. If you're the vocalist, grab your balls while doing an extended note and point straight to target. Hopefully she hasn't yet died because of too much horniness.

51. If you're the bassist, play the most incredible solo in history, then stage dive and keep playing perfectly while surfing. After that ask the crowd to get you back on the stage, where you invite target to play a tambourine rhythm while you play the funkiest bassline ever conceived, which you morph into a Jimi Hendrix cover, delivering the most heartfelt vocal performance anyone has seen up to that point. Then you smash the bass, burn it on stage and offer your solid gold plectrum to target, along with a dream vacation in the Caribbean, a 20-room home in Beverly Hills and a silver-plated Ferrari.

52. When you do all that, realize that you're the goddamned bassist and you will never get laid, unless your name is either Gene, Tom or Lemmy, which it isn't. Have fun with the new ultra-realistic line of sex dolls.

53. If you're the drummer, say "hi" to your target. Mission accomplished.

54. If you don't play any instrument at all, be calm, confident, relaxed, and funny and exhibit great value and attention to your target, all the while not supplicating to her petty games like buying her drinks and stuff.

55. Or just poke girls in the ass with your boner, works either way.

56. The longer and less-washed your hair is, the better your chances will be.

57. If you have dreadlocks, be sure to headbang and flail them incessantly at target, even when there's no song playing.

58. girls always think the longer your metal spikes are, the bigger your dick is.

59. When in doubt about what to wear for a concert, wear a shirt which subtly depicts people engaging in sex. Your target will never figure out you're so horny that you'd screw anything that breathes.

60. When you come back from a concert with your buddies, be sure to have a post-get-laid-high-five...

61. After you all take turns masturbating to Crucified Barbara videos.

62. By the way if you're gay, try a Crucified Barbara show. You're welcome.

63. If the girls are too young, you're too impotent.

64. Cover up your sexual frustration by spending a lot of money on metal accessories and hair conditioner.

65. Scream and pose like you are a character from Dragon Ball Z, people will know then that you're totally secure.

66. Creepy is the new sexy!

67. To enhance your crotch size, use a cucumber wrapped in tin foil. Carry it around everywhere, along with 10 condoms.

68. Impress girls by bragging about your incredible car, then JIZZ! In your pants.

69. Whine about this list and my sense of humor in the comments section.

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Angelic Storm - 13.09.2011 at 14:37  
Written by Warman on 13.09.2011 at 13:36

I've always wondered how some chicks in the crowd still stays fresh when the show is done.

Guys would also stay fresh at gigs if they didn't move around much and stayed out of the pit...
Void Eater - 14.09.2011 at 05:55  
Written by Angelic Storm on 13.09.2011 at 14:37

Written by Warman on 13.09.2011 at 13:36

I've always wondered how some chicks in the crowd still stays fresh when the show is done.

Guys would also stay fresh at gigs if they didn't move around much and stayed out of the pit...

Psh, acting like an idiot and slamming into fat sweaty bros is half the fun!
Angelic Storm - 14.09.2011 at 16:50  
Written by Void Eater on 14.09.2011 at 05:55
Psh, acting like an idiot and slamming into fat sweaty bros is half the fun!

Well, at most metal gigs, the men far outnumber the women, and only a very small percentage of the women who are there will be doing that. Which explains Warman noticing women who are fresh and non-sweaty afterwards. I use up a lot of energy at gigs, so I'm usually never fresh afterwards, unless Im seated. But even then, I'll usually stand up and go mad! haha xD
ThunderAxe1989 - 13.11.2011 at 06:24  
@ rule 58

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