101 Rules Of The New Wave Of Black Metal
101 Rules Of The New Wave Of Black Metal
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1. Don't follow any rules. You are open-minded about all the things.
2. Have a band.
3. Be original. Invent a name for the subgenre of your band.
4. Flipflopgaze black metal.
5. Name your subgenre after your lyrics only. Because lyrics tell more about your music than the music itself.
6. You actually play second wave raw black metal, musical-wise.
7. Claim to be absolutely open-minded about everything. Don't ever affirm that anything is right or wrong, good or bad.
8. Have a band. Even if you can't play any instrument, and even if you have no friends to play with you.
9. Be a one man band.
10. Release everything by your band independently, because being indie is c00l.
11. Release splits with other underground bands. They don't even have to play the same subgenre you do.
12. Of course they don't play the same subgenre as you. They also followed rule 3.
13. Be the owner of an underground black metal label, then release only your albums and splits on that label.
14. Have a bandcamp page.
15. The background color must be black.
16. Tags: progressive punk, post-rock, experimental, north-Korean folk, acousticly industrial, instrumental acapella, hardcore, black metal, atmospheric, epic, fenomenal.
17. Hardcore is ok. Metalcore isn't.
18. Bitch about how closed-minded are people who dislike a certain genre.
19. Cite some profound quotes on your bandcamp page.
20. Splits are c00l, indie, trve, kvlt, br00tal. Release splits with other underground bands. Don't worry, they'll be looking for someone to release a split with too.
21. Have an opinion about every polemical matter which is purposely different than the majority's, and at home spend your free time building arguments to support your points.
22. Spam those arguments when you are interviewed, even when you aren't asked about anything. After all you didn't practice your arguments for nothing, right?
23. You are open-minded and therefore listen to every existing musical genre on the world: Black metal, progressive black metal, experimental black metal, noise black metal, ...
24. Dislike symphonic black metal.
25. Aren't those trees outside somewhat beautiful? Take a picture of them.
26. Write lyrics about those trees outside for your next release.
27. If these trees could talk, they'd talk about how beautiful you are too. The feeling is reciprocal.
28. Splits! Splits, EPs and demos.
29. Satanism? Blasphemy? Burning churches? These things are so 2003's. You are not a poser, you belong to the trve vndergrovnd movement of blæck metal.
30. What is actvally trve nowadays is to type "v" whenever yov shovld type the letter "u". Now that's what trve is abovt.
31. Yov can also type "v" when yov shovld type "f" on the word "of". Vse that in track titles, for instance "Forest ov Darkness", "Jvngle ov Evil", "Woods ov no Light". Actvally the more "v" yov have on the words ov yovr releases, the better.
32. Vvv'v vvvvvv vv vvvvvv vvv vvvv vvvv, vvvv'v vvvv vvvvvvvvvv.
34. When you have some free time, browse on the internet every existing musical genre, especially the non-metal ones. And make a list of them.
35. Pick a genre of this list at random. That's right. In your next release you will be playing (this genre) black metal.
36. By making fusions you express your open-mindness and the singularity of your band.
37. Your way of making fusion will be as follows: Have an intro of twenty seconds playing the genre you picked up on rule 35, and then play raw second wave black metal for the rest of the release.
38. Splits. Release splits under that new subgenre your band turned into.
39. Write an album absolutely different from the previous one, your fans should not recognize anything you did on your previous works.
40. First album: experimental black metal, second album: italo disco with noise influences.
41. Don't mention "italo disco with noise influences" on the tags of your bandcamp page. Make people think you are still playing black metal.
42. Release your splits digitally. Maybe tapes or some limited LP versions. No CDs allowed.
43. Release a drone or a dark ambient album.
44. Slow down a song by an underground band and add some vocals on it.
45. Voilà, you are now a drone metal writer.
46. Use foreigner expressions such as voilà. Foreigner expressions are tr00. And Latin expressions are double tr00, meaning that they are tr0000.
47. On your bandcamp page point out what some obvious foreigner expressions are and give a historical background of it, like all the fans weren't all already aware of it.
48. Your fans all belong to one man bands and follow these same rules anyway. You forgot they released splits with you?
49. Have a side project.
50. An italo disco with noise influences side project.
51. Because that's so different from what your primary project plays. Imagine releasing it under the same name of your primary project. That would be... Unc00l.
52. Join smart discussions on the internet, and be categorical when trying to prove your points.
53. Act like you know everything.
54. Know everything. Knowledge is tr00.
55. Neue deutsche härte? What does that even mean? Doesn't matter, I'll add it to the tags on my bandcamp page.
56. Splits. Splitting is k00l.
57. Split up!
58. Claim that your band split up due to issues among the band members. Even though you are the only guy on the band.
59. Claim that you are going to play on an upcoming project which is a hundred times more promising than your older one.
60. Forget that this new project doesn't have anything to do with the old one musical-wise and thus can't even be compared.
61. Or better, start a project on the exact same genre as your older one.
62. You will be surprised that the second one has so much fewer fans. Why is that, I wonder?
63. You don't have bands. you have projects.
64. The name of your band should be profound, mysterious, reflecting how wise you are and how meaningful are the concepts behind your lyrics.
65. "A pregnant light". "Harakiri for the sky". "An autumn for crippled children".
67. Voilà comes from the French language and is pronounced vwæ.læ/. From vois ("see!, look!"), second-person singular imperative of voir ("to see, to look") and là ("there"), literally meaning "look there!". It is mainly used to introduce a slightly distant person or object, in contrast to voici which is used to designate a person or object near the speaker.
68. If you don't know how to play an instrument, use fruity loops, the demo version.
69. If you neither know how to play an instrument and neither how to use fruity loops, then remember rule 53.
70. Gradually make your releases converge to sound like post-rock.
71. Release splits with post-rock bands.
72. Split also your songs. Split them in parts, so that you can have more track titles on your album cover. A track split in parts gives an impression of epicness, it is an allusion to theatrical acts.
73. When someone listens to your split tracks they shouldn't be able to tell which part actually marks the borderline between those subtracks.
74. ... Or the borderline between the actual tracks.
75. Make lyrics depreciating an ethnic group, a religion, or a set of people sharing common values.
77. Nazi, oi! oi! Hail Hitman!
78. Infernal hailz for Hitman.
79. Start reading WWII articles on wikipedia to have ideas about your NS lyrics, since you don't have a clue about it.
80. Never admit that your band is against ethnic groups, religions, or any kind of minorities. Neither that your band isn't involved in any political view. Remember rule 7.
81. How closed-minded are the ones who like the bands of the first and second wave... Little do they know that the true black metal lies on the new wave.
82. I myself would never touch a first or second wave album.
83. Don't play black metal on your band. play something else... I don't know... Depressive synthpop with country influences.
84. But put the tag "black metal" on the bandcamp page.
85. Anything can be classified as black metal anyway.
86. The metal began on the 90s, with death metal.
87. Metal genres include death, black, doom and then the newer genres like sludge, drone, and so on.
88. Heavy? Power? Nu?. Don't those belong to the rock genre?
89. Noise is original by itself. If you ever come up with the original idea of playing noise black metal, call it experimental or avant-garde black metal.
90. By the way, bear in mind that avant-garde is the term designed by those bands which are capable of playing something different, singular, which can't be classified among the other existing metal genres.
91. Therefore every black metal band copying Arcturus is avant-garde black metal.
92. Release a split with Arcturus.
94. Don't ever admit to earn money with your work. Your music isn't about money, but about genuine passion of conceiving art only.
95. Bitch about how music nowadays is all about money and never about passion.
96. But on your bandcamp never sell your digital albums for less than $10.
97. On an interview, when asked what genre you play, start some philosophical discussion about how music isn't supposed to be classified in genres and just listened.
98. But somewhere among the artwork of your albums, the listener can read what you came up with on rule 3.
99. If not so, then release a song with that genre name.
100. A straightforward raw second wave black metal song.
101. Vvv vævvvvv, vvv vvvvvv vvvvvv vvvv vævv vvvvvv vv vv00 vvvvvvvvvv vv "v", vvvvvvv vv'v vvvv vv00.
102. Be original! Think outside the box! Write 104 rules when you are supposed to write only 101.
103. Actually they are just 101, because I skipped 33, 66 and 76.
104. Laugh at the ridiculousness of 101 rules lists.
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