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Amon Amarth - The Great Heathen Army review



Reviewer:
5.5

118 users:
6.61
Band: Amon Amarth
Album: The Great Heathen Army
Release date: August 2022


01. Get In The Ring
02. The Great Heathen Army
03. Heidrun
04. Oden Owns You All
05. Find A Way Or Make One
06. Dawn Of Norsemen
07. Saxons And Vikings [feat. Biff Byford]
08. Skagul Rides With Me
09. The Serpent's Trail


A shoddily conducted, atrociously produced, unamusing raid. All that glitters is not gold.

Regaled by the tales of glorious raids past, Björn Jätteyxa donned his scalemail, equipped a battleaxe in his belt, lit up his tobacco pipe, and set sail for the shores of Amon Amarth. "Surely," he told his crew, "there must be spoils of war yet left to reap in their domain. To Valhall!" His crew, composed mostly of warriors who already knew the lay of the land, met his enthusiasm with quizzical looks of hopeful skepticism, and put their oars to the water.

Upon arriving, Björn's second-in-command, crossbow legend Magnus Pilspruta, immediately noted that something was off. "I don't like the looks of this," he told Björn. "This looks way too easy, like they're not even putting up a fight. Is there even any loot here for them to defend? This place used to be a bloodthirsty, heart-pumping, searing battlefield on steroids. Where's the action at?"

"Booze, jewellery, and women," said morale officer Karl, whose surname has since been lost to history. "That's all I'm here for." The majority of Björn's raiding party tended to agree with Karl, simply because you don't mess with the four-years-straight champion of Vikingstad's annual berserker mushroom-eating festival.

"Come now, brothers and sisters," said Björn, "these are supposed to be legendary raiding grounds, are they not? Many a viking professes their love for burning, looting, and enslaving on these particular shores." Taking a heavy puff of his tobacco pipe while examining the city sprawling before him, Björn gripped his battleaxe and raised his voice. "Many a skald muses about our previous accomplishments here. Many a viking, in turn, lifts weights and does cardio to the sound of said musings. Cheer up, Magnus, and hands off the mead, Karl. To Valhall!"

Magnus would turn out to be right, however. Amon Amarth would turn out to be a tribe on its last legs, and the raid would turn out to be a complete slaughter. Something in the air made Halvdan's pounding war drums drown out everything else, and Karl had a disappointed look on his face from the very first muddled screams of his first poor victims. Having conquered the first and second trite and tired city slopes, The Great Heathen Army at last found some satisfaction in raiding the mead-filled "Heidrun" district, which nevertheless Magnus remarked looked and tasted just like a paler version of Svartsot, as if somebody had put Mulmets Viser through a Eurovision wrangler. Karl wondered what Eurovision was, and was happily left ignorant as he ate another fly agaric and smashed a few more heads.

Björn could not contain his disappointment as The Great Heathen Army at last reached the end of "The Serpent's Trail". Amon Amarth sure wasn't what Halvdan the skald had made it out to be; what little loot he came across turned out to be meretricious, any value having been absolutely ruined by production values so washed out that all that glittered was merely caricatures of gold. As he left the burning city behind him and made his way back to Sweden, Björn had a mental breakdown. "How can it be," he asked Magnus, "that what once was the very definition of 'war metal' can be so diluted that what little enjoyment that could be found from this experience is utterly crushed by its very appearance?"

"Label interference? Commercialism? Andy Sneap (Judas Priest, Megadeth, Accept)? Only Mímir knows. This was indeed an amazingly average raid at best," said Magnus. "I did have some good times, particularly in 'Heidrun', but there was nothing memorable about it, really. The battle I've seen here today has already been done better by both Svartsot, Amon Amarth themselves, and an odenzillion of other tribes." Magnus sighed, oiling his trusted crossbow out of sheer boredom, though it had barely been used. "Besides, I hurt my toe on the stray guitar line that heralded our battle between 'Saxons And Vikings'. At least I'll remember that one. Not bad, but not good either."

"Don't worry, Karl, the guitars sound so weak and lame that it can't have done any damage," said Björn. "Their cover art is pretty neat, though, I'll give them that."

Karl would later go on to write an epic poem about the boozelessness of The Great Heathen Army, and finally got his booze, gold, and women. Disillusioned, Magnus started listening to pop and hip-hop, and Björn threw himself into the local ättestupa.


Rating breakdown
Performance: 8
Songwriting: 6
Originality: 7
Production: 3





Written on 03.08.2022 by 100% objective opinions.


Comments

Comments: 22   Visited by: 404 users
03.08.2022 - 09:34
Rating: 6
RaduP
CertifiedHipster
Hold on, I think I downloaded the wrong The Northman movie.
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Do you think if the heart keeps on shrinking
One day there will be no heart at all?
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03.08.2022 - 11:25
Rating: 6
AndyMetalFreak
A Nice Guy
I'm very much looking forward to hearing this album, even more so now. I thought Jormsviking's production sounded bad myself, but if this review is anything to go by I'm expecting this to sound worse. This is a very entertaining review as always well done
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03.08.2022 - 11:57
Bad English
Tage Westerlund
Svartsot is new Among Amarth... They are new and caries the old battle spirit. Jail to North, hail to Valhall, let's go to the Walholl
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Life is to short for LOVE, there is many great things to do online !!!

Stormtroopers of Death - ''Speak English or Die''

I better die, because I never will learn speek english, so I choose dieing
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03.08.2022 - 13:18
The Entity

Sadly their glory days seem to be over. Still curious to hear it
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https://enigmaticalofficial.bandcamp.com/
Industrial / Cosmic Black Metal
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03.08.2022 - 14:36
A Real Monkey

Boy do I feel sorry yet envious of the blissfully ignorant people who thought they would get anything different. Amon Amarth have become the very thing they've sworn to destroy: the hollow, poorly-researched caricature of the eponymous Viking, with horned helmets and no tattoos that are commonly found in fairs and Spongebob episodes.

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"Change the world. My final message. Goodbye."

~Last words of Harambe, seconds before he was shot, according to child he shielded from gunfire
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03.08.2022 - 16:36
Rating: 4
Jared Archon

Legendary review.
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03.08.2022 - 18:37
Alakazam
all eyez on me
Written by A Real Monkey on 03.08.2022 at 14:36

Boy do I feel sorry yet envious of the blissfully ignorant people who thought they would get anything different. Amon Amarth have become the very thing they've sworn to destroy: the hollow, poorly-researched caricature of the eponymous Viking, with horned helmets and no tattoos that are commonly found in fairs and Spongebob episodes.




I swore that's the art used on the Crusher?? They've wanted to become the next Iron Maiden in terms of being a rehashed, stadium trend band for as long as they remember. And all cards point toward it.
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I may not have the largest collection but I certainly have the absolute best

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03.08.2022 - 18:38
Alakazam
all eyez on me
A 3 for production actually sounds cool for these guys, if it's anything like their first two.
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I may not have the largest collection but I certainly have the absolute best

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03.08.2022 - 19:47
Nejde
Philosoraptor
I don't remember this Assassin's Creed: Valhalla DLC
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"You have the right to believe in what you want. I have the right to believe it's ridiculous." - Ricky Gervais
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04.08.2022 - 03:17
Opethian

Hasn't been the same since 'With Odin On Our Side.'
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04.08.2022 - 07:23
Cynic Metalhead
Nasha Vich Paisa
Let's push this review to Amon Amarth's FB page and gotta see the reactions.

Trust me, it's truly entertaining to see fans goes berserk over anything Amon Amart fucking post.
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04.08.2022 - 08:38
s_t_s

I wonder why AA is still on my band list. Since they released unbalanced Jomsviking I thought they have lost what made them so enjoyable : power! Their move towards heavy metal didn't help later on, so that I will not even give this a chance. Reading your comments seems enough to avoid wasting time.
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04.08.2022 - 09:02
s_t_s

Written by Bad English on 03.08.2022 at 11:57

Svartsot is new Among Amarth... They are new and caries the old battle spirit. Jail to North, hail to Valhall, let's go to the Walholl


You got me hooked, need to check them out as I really miss the good old viking brutality!
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04.08.2022 - 11:38
Rating: 5
Netzach
Planewalker
Written by Alakazam on 03.08.2022 at 18:38

A 3 for production actually sounds cool for these guys, if it's anything like their first two.

It's not anything like the first two, it's just bad. The 3 means it sounds like shit in a very not-good way...

Written by s_t_s on 04.08.2022 at 09:02

You got me hooked, need to check them out as I really miss the good old viking brutality!

You should start with their debut Mulmets Viser, it's really good.
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"I swore I would scratch and crawl my way back into the world of the living, and I have DONE IT!"
- Sarevok Anchev
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04.08.2022 - 14:02
Alakazam
all eyez on me
Written by Netzach on 04.08.2022 at 11:38

It's not anything like the first two, it's just bad. The 3 means it sounds like shit in a very not-good way...


After Versus The World it was over for them. And Johan Hegg got fat.
----
I may not have the largest collection but I certainly have the absolute best

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04.08.2022 - 14:18
Rating: 6
RaduP
CertifiedHipster
Written by Alakazam on 04.08.2022 at 14:02

After Versus The World it was over for them. And Johan Hegg got fat.


The Arrival Of The Fimbul Winter is where I draw the line.
----
Do you think if the heart keeps on shrinking
One day there will be no heart at all?
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04.08.2022 - 14:41
Alakazam
all eyez on me
Written by RaduP on 04.08.2022 at 14:18


The Arrival Of The Fimbul Winter is where I draw the line.

You know what I'll give that a go, see how it is compared to Sorrow Throughout The Nine Worlds.
----
I may not have the largest collection but I certainly have the absolute best

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04.08.2022 - 15:59
Alakazam
all eyez on me
Written by RaduP on 03.08.2022 at 09:34

Hold on, I think I downloaded the wrong The Northman movie.

Midsommar: The Prequel.
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I may not have the largest collection but I certainly have the absolute best

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07.08.2022 - 16:13
metalbrat

I dont want to waste my time fir this as i was expecting doomsday since their second last outing. They dont have anything new to surprise with.
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In the beginning I was made of clay. Then I bit the apple and they changed me to metal 🤘
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07.08.2022 - 17:57
nikarg
Mod
The review is better than the album. I like the opening track because of the Bolt Thrower influence and Saxons and Vikings because of good old Biff

That's about it.
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09.08.2022 - 20:19
b0sse

Lol that first single they released a while back to promote the album, put your back into the oar, or whatever it was called, isnt even on the final album release?
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10.08.2022 - 22:04
Enissa

"odenzillion" sent me off Brilliant review, thank you. I gotta say, one song popped the other day on my discover playlist, and it was really bad.. Like "stop everything I was doing and look at what it was" bad. So now I have to listen to the whole thing - just out of boredom.
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