The Joke Thread (the sequel)

Yay, good start xD, specially the blonde-jokes.

Here's mine:

Jeremy was in his math-class and the teacher say:
- I'm gonna do some simple questions, if you find 4 birds on a tree and you shoot one with a gun.. How many there are left?
Jeremy raise quickly his hand and say:
- Zero, Miss!!! Because if you kill one, the others will fly away...
The teacher laughs and say:
-Well.. that wasn't the correct answer, but I like how you think!
The whole class laugh at him and he feels embarrassed and say:
- Ok Miss, I have a question for you: 3 women are sitting on a bench eating ice-cream. The first one lick it, the second one bite it and the third one suck it... Who is married?!
The teacher blushed and say:
- Errrr.... The one who suck at the ice-cream...?



Jeremy laughs and say:
- No Miss, is the one who have the ring on her finger... But I like how YOU think!

Written by X-Ray Rod on 28.07.2008 at 17:38

Yay, good start xD, specially the nolde-jokes.

Here's mine:

Jeremy was in his math-class and the teacher say:
- I'm gonna do some simple questions, if you find 4 birds on a tree and you shoot one with a gun.. How many there are left?
Jeremy raise quickly his hand and say:
- Zero, Miss!!! Because if you kill one, the others will fly away...
The teacher laughs and say:
-Well.. that wasn't the correct answer, but I like how you think!
The whole class laugh at him and he feels embarrassed and say:
- Ok Miss, I have a question for you: 3 women are sitting on a bench eating ice-cream. The first one lick it, the second one bite it and the third one suck it... Who is married?!
The teacher blushed and say:
- Errrr.... The one who suck at the ice-cream...?
Jeremy laughs and say:
- No Miss, is the one who have the ring on her finger... But I like how YOU think!

this one was great!

These are the jokes that I remembered from work yesterday. I worked at gun show, and to be honest I was surprised at how pun-tastic the people there were. As it turns out, midwest arms exhibitors are a rather amusing group.

A man's wife is very good at English, and he overhears her one day telling her friends that he is a "model husband." At first he thinks this is a complement, but for some reason his wife and all her friends laugh at the comment, so he consults the dictionary only to find that "model" means "a small or miniature version of something."

A drunken man is driving down the road, swerving left and right and all over the place. A police notices him and starts to follow, but the guy is so drunk that he won't pull over, he just kept driving until eventually he hits something and comes to a stop.
The officer walks up to the window of his car and says "What is wrong with you!? You could have killed someone!! Do you even know that your wife fell out of the car seven blocks back??"
To which the drunk man replies, "Oh, thank god! I'm so relieved -- I was afraid I'd gone deaf!"

A man pulls out a credit card to pay for his food.
cashier: I'm sorry, this stand is cash only.
customer: Oh, so you won't take my credit?
cashier: No, I'm sorry.
The man smiles as he takes out a cash note to pay instead.
customer: That's okay, everyone else already does.
(^-- We both - the cashier and myself - stood there looking confused at each other for like 20 seconds after that guy left before we got the pun. lol)

Written by Deadgirl on 28.07.2008 at 20:56

A man pulls out a credit card to pay for his food.
cashier: I'm sorry, this stand is cash only.
customer: Oh, so you won't take my credit?
cashier: No, I'm sorry.
The man smiles as he takes out a cash note to pay instead.
customer: That's okay, everyone else already does.
(^-- We both - the cashier and myself - stood there looking confused at each other for like 20 seconds after that guy left before we got the pun. lol)

what was that about? i mean, it was about taking him seriously or something?

Written by Valentin B on 29.07.2008 at 01:19

Written by Deadgirl on 28.07.2008 at 20:56

A man pulls out a credit card to pay for his food.
cashier: I'm sorry, this stand is cash only.
customer: Oh, so you won't take my credit?
cashier: No, I'm sorry.
The man smiles as he takes out a cash note to pay instead.
customer: That's okay, everyone else already does.
(^-- We both - the cashier and myself - stood there looking confused at each other for like 20 seconds after that guy left before we got the pun. lol)

what was that about? i mean, it was about taking him seriously or something?

It was a pun about other people taking his credit -> taking credit for things he had done.

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a Chevrolet Corvette?
(...)
A: Not everyone can ride a Corvette

*wind blows*
I know, bad joke

Here is the oldest joke in the world, which was written in Sumeria in 1900 BCE.

Something which has never occurred since time immemorial: a young woman did not fart in her husband's lap

After Adam and Eve were fired from heaven:
Adam went out to find something for dinner... When he came back, he knocked the door. "Whose there?" Eve said. And then Adam answered "Did you expect someone else but me???"



Attention: Adam and Eve were the first and 2econd humankind...

A guy's speaking to a co-worker.
"You imagine, I came home very late last night and when I got to bed I discovered that there was an unknown man sleeping with my wife in our bed."
"Oh my! What happened then?"
"Well, I was wrong....this wasn't an unknown man. It was just an old friend of mine."

Written by [user id=5630] on 03.08.2008 at 18:18

Here is the oldest joke in the world, which was written in Sumeria in 1900 BCE.

Something which has never occurred since time immemorial: a young woman did not fart in her husband's lap

thats weird, i swear i read that somewhere the other day..i cant remember though

Written by Necrogeddon on 05.08.2008 at 17:49

Written by [user id=5630] on 03.08.2008 at 18:18

Here is the oldest joke in the world, which was written in Sumeria in 1900 BCE.

Something which has never occurred since time immemorial: a young woman did not fart in her husband's lap

thats weird, i swear i read that somewhere the other day..i cant remember though

Yeah, I got it from the BBC news website.

Money Joke:

Dear Dad,

$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o you would like, you can $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.

Love,
Your $on

***

Dear Son,

I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. do NOt forget that gaining kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.

Love,
Dad

Written by Hamird on 06.08.2008 at 15:20

Money Joke:

Dear Dad,

$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o you would like, you can $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.

Love,
Your $on

***

Dear Son,

I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. do NOt forget that gaining kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.

Love,
Dad

Heheh, I know that one, good one indeed!

A guy comes home and discovers his wife in bed with his friend. He draws out his gun and kills his friend. The wife wakes up and says: "You know, you're gonna lose all your friends if you keep acting like that."

Written by Ernis on 12.08.2008 at 00:46

A guy comes home and discovers his wife in bed with his friend. He draws out his gun and kills his friend. The wife wakes up and says: "You know, you're gonna lose all your friends if you keep acting like that."

So he must kill his wife, not to lose all his friends...

Written by Hamird on 12.08.2008 at 08:55



So he must kill his wife, not to lose all his friends...

Exactly my thought tbh...

An old woman lies on her deathbed. Her husband sits next to her and holds her hand. The woman tries to say something, but her husband tells her:
- Sss, be quiet honey, just try to rest.
The dying woman tries to speak again and again and finally succeeds:
- Before I go... I need to tell... You something... I slept with your best friend... and your older brother... and your younger brother also...
- Sss honey, never mind, I know about everything. - says the husband kindly to her - Why do you think did I put arsenic in your tee?

The wife complains to her husband:
- In the old days you used to call me your queen, but now you don't even have one gentle word for me.
- That is correct. - answers the husband - You know, since the queen stopped cooking and ironing my clothes, I decided to live in democracy.

In school the teacher is asking the children about their mothers job. The first one is a doctor, the second a manager and so on. When the teacher asks little Billy he says:
- My mother is a whore.
- What are you saying?! Go to the headmasters office NOW and tell him that too!
Billy goes to the heamaster and returns after a while. The teacher asks him:
- So what did the headmaster say?
- He said that in an economic viewpoint every job is usefull, then gave me an apple and asked for our telephone number.

The father is lecturing his son:
- You know son, the big problem with our world is that the stupid people are always sure of themselves and the clever ones are always in doubt.
- Really, dad?
- Well of course!

Written by [user id=27018] on 15.08.2008 at 16:42

The father is lecturing his son:
- You know son, the big problem with our world is that the stupid people are always sure of themselves and the clever ones are always in doubt.
- Really, dad?
- Well of course!

i knew something like: "in my scientific research, i have found that only complete idiots have no doubts." "are you sure?" "100% sure" lol


an arab prince had a 50 cm dick, but his wife thought it was too big, so he visits the local wise man and asks him what to do. he tells him to go to the forest and there he will find the Holy Virgin Squirrel, he has to ask her to have sex with him and every time she refuses his dick will magically get smaller by 10 cm. so he goes into the forest and finds the squirrel..
"Hello, i want to ask you, will you have sex with me?"
"NO!"
The Prince's dick shrinks by 10 cm.
"will you have sex with me?"
"Hell NO!"
The Prince's dick shrinks by 10 cm, and he only needs to ask the squirrel once more to get to optimal size.
"will you have sex with me?"
"NO, NO, NO!!!"

Written by Valentin B on 21.08.2008 at 15:00

Written by [user id=27018] on 15.08.2008 at 16:42

The father is lecturing his son:
- You know son, the big problem with our world is that the stupid people are always sure of themselves and the clever ones are always in doubt.
- Really, dad?
- Well of course!

i knew something like: "in my scientific research, i have found that only complete idiots have no doubts." "are you sure?" "100% sure" lol


an arab prince had a 50 cm dick, but his wife thought it was too big, so he visits the local wise man and asks him what to do. he tells him to go to the forest and there he will find the Holy Virgin Squirrel, he has to ask her to have sex with him and every time she refuses his dick will magically get smaller by 10 cm. so he goes into the forest and finds the squirrel..
"Hello, i want to ask you, will you have sex with me?"
"NO!"
The Prince's dick shrinks by 10 cm.
"will you have sex with me?"
"Hell NO!"
The Prince's dick shrinks by 10 cm, and he only needs to ask the squirrel once more to get to optimal size.
"will you have sex with me?"
"NO, NO, NO!!!"

Ouch. XD

International contest of toilet papers.
The Englishmen present their toilet paper. Strong and flexible. Neutral smell. England receives 7 points out of the maximum 10.
The French present their toilet paper which is adorned with colourful floral patterns. The smell is pure avant-garde. The score's 8.
The Japanese comes straight to the jury's desk and places a small pill on the desk in front of the judges.
The jury is surprised. "That's a toilet paper competition and not any pill testing event!"
The Japanese doesn't say anything but agitates with gestures the judges to try the pill. One judge finally decides to swallow the pill just out of curiosity. After some moments he runs away from the desk. When he returns he shouts "TEN POINTS FOR JAPAN!"
"What?"
"You won't believe this. When you take this pill, whatever you'd be shitting, it'll all be packed into cellophane bags."


A guy marries a pretty girl. After the wedding the girl brings a locked suitcase and places it under her side of the bed. The guy asks "What's in this suitcase?" The girl refuses to answer. They leave it.
The guy tries many times to find out what's in the suitcase but every time his wife refuses to tell him.
The years go by and finally after their 50th anniversary the now old woman decides to open the suitcase in front of her husband.
Inside there are five small flower seeds and ten thousand dollars.
The husband asks "What's that? The seeds?"
The wife answers that every time she had cheated on him she had placed one flower seed into the suitcase.
"Oh...so you've cheated me only five times during our 50 years of marriage?"
"Not exactly....you see...the money's here because every time I had gathered one kilogram of seeds, I sold it..."

A brunette girl goes through the woods. Suddenly she notices an old lamp lying near the path. She picks it up, rubs it and a genie appears.
The genie says "You can ask me three wishes but know that whatever you wish, every blonde person on this earth will have this wish being fulfilled twice as successfully as yours."
The dark haired girl agrees and wishes "I wish I had one hundred thousand dollars."
Her wish becomes true. But the genie points out "At this moment every blonde one got 200 000 dollars".
"I wish to have a luxurious villa with 30 bedrooms."
"You have it but from now on every blonde one has twice as luxurious villa with 60 bedrooms."
"My last wish....see that wooden club there? Come and beat the shit outta me so that I'll be half-dead!"

Written by Ernis on 22.08.2008 at 19:13


A brunette girl goes through the woods. Suddenly she notices an old lamp lying near the path. She picks it up, rubs it and a genie appears.
The genie says "You can ask me three wishes but know that whatever you wish, every blonde person on this earth will have this wish being fulfilled twice as successfully as yours."
The dark haired girl agrees and wishes "I wish I had one hundred thousand dollars."
Her wish becomes true. But the genie points out "At this moment every blonde one got 200 000 dollars".
"I wish to have a luxurious villa with 30 bedrooms."
"You have it but from now on every blonde one has twice as luxurious villa with 60 bedrooms."
"My last wish....see that wooden club there? Come and beat the shit outta me so that I'll be half-dead!"

Damn, pure 10!

That one was awesome indeed... Very clever xD

The one with the arab dick was also very good.

Washcloth
There was a little boy whose mother was about to have a baby. One day, the little boy walked in and saw his mother naked. He asked his mother what the hair between her legs was.

She responded, "It's my wash cloth."

Weeks later, after the mother had her baby, the young boy walked in on his mother again. While she was in the hospital, the doctor had shaved her pubic hair.

The boy asked, "What happened to your wash cloth?"

The mother responded, "I lost it."

The little boy, trying to be helpful, set out to find his mother's washcloth.

A few days later, he ran to his mother yelling and screaming, "I found your washcloth."

The mother, thinking that the child was just playing, went along with the boy and asked, "Where did you find it?"

The boy answered, "The maid has it! She is washing daddy's face with it."




WHY IT IS IMPORTANT TO UNDERSTAND ENGLISH!
I had a bunch of Canadian dollars I needed to exchange, so I went
to the currency exchange window at the local bank

Short line. Just one guy in front of me...an Asian guy who was trying
to exchange yen for dollars and he was a little irritated.

He asked the teller, "Why it change?? Yestoday, I get two hunat dolla
for yen. Today I get hunat eighty?? Why it change?"

The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations" .

The Asian guy says, "Fluc you white people too!"

So Cultured
A Greek and an Italian were drinking coffee one day discussing who had the superior culture.

Over triple lattes the Greek guy says, "Well, we have the Parthenon".

Arching his eyebrows the Italian replies, "We have the Coliseum."

The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics." The Italian, nodding in agreement, says, "But we built the Roman Empire."

And so on and so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion.

With a flourish of finality he says, "We invented sex!"

The Italian replies, "That is true, but it was the Italians who introduced it to women."




Filtered Whiskey
Irishmen Shawn and Pat, who were the best of friends, agreed that when one passed on, the other would spill the contents of a bottle of fine Irish whiskey over the grave of his recently departed friend. As fate would have it, Shawn would be the first to pass. Upon hearing of his friend's illness, Pat came to visit one last time. "Shawn, can you hear me?" asked Pat.

Faintly, Shawn replied, "Yes, Paddy, I can."

Bashfully, Pat started, "Do you remember our pact, Shawn?"

"Yes, I do, Paddy," Shawn strained.

"And you'll also remember that I was to pour the contents of a fine, old bottle of whiskey, which we have been saving for nearly 30 years now, over your grave," said Pat.

"Yes, Paddy, I do," whispered Shawn.

"It's a very 'old' bottle now, you know," urged Pat.

"And what are you gettin' at, Pat?" asked Shawn, briskly.

"Well, Shawn, when I pour the whiskey over your grave, would ya mind if I filter it through my kidneys first?

Written by +{Jonas}+ on 22.08.2008 at 07:13

Written by Valentin B on 21.08.2008 at 15:00

i knew something like: "in my scientific research, i have found that only complete idiots have no doubts." "are you sure?" "100% sure" lol



an arab prince had a 50 cm dick, but his wife thought it was too big, so he visits the local wise man and asks him what to do. he tells him to go to the forest and there he will find the Holy Virgin Squirrel, he has to ask her to have sex with him and every time she refuses his dick will magically get smaller by 10 cm. so he goes into the forest and finds the squirrel..
"Hello, i want to ask you, will you have sex with me?"
"NO!"
The Prince's dick shrinks by 10 cm.
"will you have sex with me?"
"Hell NO!"
The Prince's dick shrinks by 10 cm, and he only needs to ask the squirrel once more to get to optimal size.
"will you have sex with me?"
"NO, NO, NO!!!"

Ouch. XD

Well what if the squirrel would say NO, NO, NO, NO!!! The penis turned to cunt ?

OK, here are mine:

An arab wanted to go to his first date with a foreign girl, so he decided to wear a fashionable cloths. But he couldn't hide his dick because it was so long. ..
Finally he decided to tie his dick as a Tie. He went to his date, but as he saw the girl he choked because his dick was erected ...

at heaven's gates, St. Peter hears a knock. he opens the door, but no-ones there. 2 minutes later, knock knock. St Peter opens the door quickly but nothing. 2 minutes later, he hears another knock, but this time he was ready and opens the door immediately and sees a guy standing there.

"what the hell are you doing here playing with my nerves??"
the guy disappears, saying "i can't help it man, these guys keep giving me CPR!"

Written by Valentin B on 25.08.2008 at 12:02

at heaven's gates, St. Peter hears a knock. he opens the door, but no-ones there. 2 minutes later, knock knock. St Peter opens the door quickly but nothing. 2 minutes later, he hears another knock, but this time he was ready and opens the door immediately and sees a guy standing there.

"what the hell are you doing here playing with my nerves??"
the guy disappears, saying "i can't help it man, these guys keep giving me CPR!"

AAAAAAAAAAAhahahh good one, good!!

Written by Valentin B on 25.08.2008 at 12:02

at heaven's gates, St. Peter hears a knock. he opens the door, but no-ones there. 2 minutes later, knock knock. St Peter opens the door quickly but nothing. 2 minutes later, he hears another knock, but this time he was ready and opens the door immediately and sees a guy standing there.

"what the hell are you doing here playing with my nerves??"
the guy disappears, saying "i can't help it man, these guys keep giving me CPR!"

what is CPR??

Written by Elio on 25.08.2008 at 13:42

Written by Valentin B on 25.08.2008 at 12:02

at heaven's gates, St. Peter hears a knock. he opens the door, but no-ones there. 2 minutes later, knock knock. St Peter opens the door quickly but nothing. 2 minutes later, he hears another knock, but this time he was ready and opens the door immediately and sees a guy standing there.

"what the hell are you doing here playing with my nerves??"
the guy disappears, saying "i can't help it man, these guys keep giving me CPR!"

what is CPR??

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cardiopulmonary_resuscitation

I hope that these weren't already and that I translated them right. Sorry if there are any spelling mistakes, but I'm writing on a shitty keyboard.

The rabbit and the bear hate each other. One day the are walking around the forest and meet a little fairy. The fairy tells them that she'd grant both of them 3 wishes if the promise to be nice to each other. Both agree and the bear starts with his wish:
- I wish I had a BIIIIIG cock.
And the bear gets a huge cock. Bunnys turn.
- I wish I had the fastest car on earth which no one ever can catch.
And the bunny gets an amazing red car. Bears turn.
- I wish every female bear was in love with me.
And every female bear wanted him and only him. Bunnys turn.
- I wish that my car would never ever run out of fuel.
And bunnys car won't ever run out of fuel. Bears turn.
- I wish every bear in this world except me was female.
And every bear on the planet except him turned female. Bunnys turn.
- I wish that bear was gay. - and he jumped into the car and drove away.

The son asks his father:
- Dad, what is politics?
The father is thinking for a while and finally answers:
- You see son, I bring the money home so I'm the CAPITALISM. Your mother is taking care of the money, so she is the GOVERMENT. The babysitter is working for us so she's the WORKING CLASS. Your gradfather watches over everything so he is the LABOUR ORGANISATION. All of us are working that you, the FOLK, can have a good life. And your little brother is our FUTURE.
The son memorises everything and goes to bed. At night his little brother shits his diapers and cries. The boy goes to their mother and tries to tell her what happened but she's sleeping and won't wake up. So the boy goes to search for the babysitter and finds her having sex with his father while his grandfather is peeking through the keyhole. They didn't even realize that he is there so he decides to go back to sleep. The next day his dad asks him if he remebers what politics is. The boy thinks about last night, stays silent for a moment and then starts talking:
- Politics is when CAPITALISM is harnessing the WORKING CLASS, the LABOUR ORGANISTANION just stares at that passively, the GOVERMENT is sleeping deeply, no one cares about the FOLK and our FUTURE is in deep shit.