How To Tell The Difference Between Metal Genres
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* POWER METAL
The protagonist arrives riding a white unicorn, escapes from the dragon, saves the princess and makes love to her in an enchanted forest.
* THRASH METAL
The protagonist arrives, fights the dragon, saves the princess and fucks her.
* HEAVY METAL
The protagonist arrives on a Harley, kills the dragon, drinks a few beers and fucks the princess.
* FOLK METAL
The protagonist arrives with some friends playing accordions, violins, flutes and many more weird instruments, the dragon falls asleep (because of all the dancing). Then all leave........ without the princess.
* VIKING METAL
The protagonist arrives in a ship, kills the dragon with his mighty axe, skins the dragon and eats it, rapes the princess to death, steals her belongings and burns the castle before leaving.
* DEATH METAL
The protagonist arrives, kills the dragon, fucks the princess and kills her, then leaves.
* BLACK METAL
The protagonist IS the dragon, dwells in the heart of the night with in a castle full of hellhounds and eternal flames. He kills the sassy knight, fucks the noble steed and sacrifices the princess to Satan.
* GORE METAL
The protagonist arrives, kills the dragon and spreads his guts in front of the castle, fucks the princess and kills her. Then he fucks the dead body again, slashes her belly and eats her guts. Then he fucks the carcass for the third time, burns the corpse and fucks it for the last time.
* DOOM METAL
The protagonist arrives, sees the size of the dragon and thinks he could never beat him, then he gets depressed and commits suicide. The dragon eats his body and the princess as dessert. That's the end of the sad story.
* PROGRESSIVE METAL
The protagonist arrives with a guitar and plays a solo of 26 minutes. The dragon kills himself out of boredom. The protagonist arrives to the princess' bedroom, plays another solo with all the techniques and tunes he learned in the last year of the conservatory. The princess escapes looking for the 'HEAVY METAL' protagonist.
* GLAM METAL
The protagonist arrives, the dragon laughs at the guy's appearance and lets him enter. He steals the princess' make up and tries to paint the castle in a beautiful pink colour.
* NU METAL
The protagonist arrives in a run down Honda Civic and attempts to fight the dragon but he burns to death when his moronic baggy clothes catch fire.
The protagonist arrives riding a white unicorn, escapes from the dragon, saves the princess and makes love to her in an enchanted forest.
* THRASH METAL
The protagonist arrives, fights the dragon, saves the princess and fucks her.
* HEAVY METAL
The protagonist arrives on a Harley, kills the dragon, drinks a few beers and fucks the princess.
* FOLK METAL
The protagonist arrives with some friends playing accordions, violins, flutes and many more weird instruments, the dragon falls asleep (because of all the dancing). Then all leave........ without the princess.
* VIKING METAL
The protagonist arrives in a ship, kills the dragon with his mighty axe, skins the dragon and eats it, rapes the princess to death, steals her belongings and burns the castle before leaving.
* DEATH METAL
The protagonist arrives, kills the dragon, fucks the princess and kills her, then leaves.
* BLACK METAL
The protagonist IS the dragon, dwells in the heart of the night with in a castle full of hellhounds and eternal flames. He kills the sassy knight, fucks the noble steed and sacrifices the princess to Satan.
* GORE METAL
The protagonist arrives, kills the dragon and spreads his guts in front of the castle, fucks the princess and kills her. Then he fucks the dead body again, slashes her belly and eats her guts. Then he fucks the carcass for the third time, burns the corpse and fucks it for the last time.
* DOOM METAL
The protagonist arrives, sees the size of the dragon and thinks he could never beat him, then he gets depressed and commits suicide. The dragon eats his body and the princess as dessert. That's the end of the sad story.
* PROGRESSIVE METAL
The protagonist arrives with a guitar and plays a solo of 26 minutes. The dragon kills himself out of boredom. The protagonist arrives to the princess' bedroom, plays another solo with all the techniques and tunes he learned in the last year of the conservatory. The princess escapes looking for the 'HEAVY METAL' protagonist.
* GLAM METAL
The protagonist arrives, the dragon laughs at the guy's appearance and lets him enter. He steals the princess' make up and tries to paint the castle in a beautiful pink colour.
* NU METAL
The protagonist arrives in a run down Honda Civic and attempts to fight the dragon but he burns to death when his moronic baggy clothes catch fire.
| TheBigRossowski Posts: 1357  |
That's awesome, never heard that before! "Ride the Dragon! You can see his wings, but you know he's mean..." Who can guess that one, I just threw the certain words in there..haha
---- That rug really tied the room together, did it not? 
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| Gmaniac Posts: 10  |
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| Warman Erotic Stains Posts: 7695  |
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| Damnated Churchburner Posts: 4943  |
why is this a thread? report sent.
---- Blessed is he that murders Christ in himself and in his fellow men.  Written by TheBigRossowski on 10.02.2009 at 16:01
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| Elio Red Nightmare Posts: 4920  |
lol i already knew this but always worth reading 
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| Oracle Orcinus Posts: 1425  |
Haha thats hilarious. whoever came up with these definitions for metal genres has a pretty good imagination lol.
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| thesabbathfan Posts: 410  |
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| Lucas Mr. Noise Elite Posts: 13427  |
This should be posted in the funny stuff section.
---- SLUDGE. DOOM. DEATH. Wait, what?  "The reason I'm running for president is because I can't be Bruce Springsteen." - Barack Obama
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| benvolent Posts: 189  |
Holy crap!! I like Speed and Progressive Metal the best
---- The struggle to free myself of restraints, becomes my very shackles
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| -DC-002- Mastercommander Posts: 1703  |
This could be a great discussion. The list though kind of distracts people though. Its been two pages of with people going " that's really funny" and leaving it at that
---- Coldgrits
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| Arian Totalis The Philosopher Posts: 3351  |
^ Agreed, this conversation could go into much deeper depth than this. I mean, don't get me wrong, it is hillarious. But come on, be more productive. IS there anybody with questions about how to tell metal genres apart? If so, I'll do what I can to help. Maybe that'll contribute to the consistancy of the thread.
---- "For the Coward there is no Life For the hero there is No Death" -Kakita Toshimoko "The Philosopher, you know so much about nothing at all." _Chuck Schuldiner.
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| BADDEST MEMBER Posts: 3613  |
Read this before, but still funy I feel when see it again. Very funny for doom, haha.
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| Doc G. Full Grown Hoser Staff Posts: 9718  |
First of all, I've seen this about 50 times, I didn't find it funny in the least the first time, the remaining 49 times just got even more mind boggling how people are actually laughing at that. You people would probably find Jeff Foxworthy and Tim Allen funny as well. Written by Arian Totalis on 10.11.2008 at 06:20 Secondly, yeah thats what I thought this thread was (replying to Arian). I mean, I can tell genres apart when I hear them I just have a hard time describing them to people. For example Thrash Metal, I know what Thrash Metal sounds like, and what it is. I can tell if a band is thrash metal or not just by listening to them, but if someone were to ask me "what is thrash metal?" I'd probably have a difficult time trying to explain it (as weird as that whole paragraph sounds I hope it makes sense). Thirdly: Quote: That is wrong. It should say something along the lines of "Protagonist arrives, dragon laughs lets him in yadda yadda yadda, he nails the princess, her sister and potentially a few of her hot friends, then goes and OD's on heroin in the bathroom." And last, viking metal ain't a genre. And what the fuck is "gore" metal? Written by [user id=22888] on 04.01.2008 at 09:48 Have you read any of Motorheads lyrics? Its all about sex, well probably about 70% of it. As for the raping, I'm sure Cannibal Corpse has adressed the subject of rape in some form or another
---- "I got a lot of really good ideas, problem is, most of them suck." - George Carlin
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| Arian Totalis The Philosopher Posts: 3351 |
Dr. Rock: Yeah I had the same feeling about Viking/Gore metal. The person who created that obviously had a very limited metal knowledge. You could call Gore metal "Grind" I guess, but then again, why couldn't you call any band with Gore lyrics (Cannibal Corpse, Early Death, Carcass, etc.) Gore metal? It just doesn't make any sense. About thrash metal, well, I'm a total subgenre description nerd, so I could probably classify it as "A subgenre of heavy metal which is heavily influenced by Punk rock and the New Wave of British Heavy metal Movement. It therefore takes these influences and comines them, making a much more fast paced, agressive tone, but still riddled with solos. Lyrics are equally as reflective of this, seeing as how most thrash lyrics typically dwell on political/societal issues, as well as hard drug use, which are themes akin to punk rock." I guess that description is a bit generalized and short, but you get the idea. @Harmonic: I don't see the point in ripping on other genres of music in this thread, especially if you don't know what you're talking about. Hip hop normally, if adressing the issue of rape, talks about it in a shameful manner, putting rape down because it's one more thing that degenerates inner city neighborhoods. BUT, this part of the post is irrelevent to the thread, so if you wish to discuss it further, we can take it to the rap thread.
---- "For the Coward there is no Life For the hero there is No Death" -Kakita Toshimoko "The Philosopher, you know so much about nothing at all." _Chuck Schuldiner.
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| Powerslavex Alexskywalker Posts: 777  |
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| Doc G. Full Grown Hoser Staff Posts: 9718 |
Written by Arian Totalis on 11.11.2008 at 06:34 Well, lets say its a person who has no knowledge in any metal...or music for that matter, how would you describe the sound? I'm aware of the influences and what not, and there are plenty of fast-paced bands riddled with solos who arent thrash....this is where my problem comes along. Written by Lucas on 14.08.2008 at 23:47 Just out of curiosity, why is this thread still going? (not meant in contempt, just plain curiosity). BTW-Shouldn't something be funny to be put in the funny stuff section?....I guess it is subjective
---- "I got a lot of really good ideas, problem is, most of them suck." - George Carlin
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| Arian Totalis The Philosopher Posts: 3351 |
Written by Doc G. on 15.11.2008 at 09:39
---- "For the Coward there is no Life For the hero there is No Death" -Kakita Toshimoko "The Philosopher, you know so much about nothing at all." _Chuck Schuldiner.
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| Janne Hugin Posts: 1721  |
I heard this with some more genres earlier. but it contains the essential ones
----  -FOLK METAL HUNGARY-
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| -DC-002- Mastercommander Posts: 1703 |
DAMNIT!!!. enough of this thread. except for a few posts its only been people posting how funny the original post was. it needs to change Ok... what I've learned about the genres of Death and Black Metal is that the way to tell them apart from other genres is because MOST of the time they lack choruses. It allows you to find and make your own favorite part of a song instead of a buildup to the chorus. it kind off helps personalize it in a way
---- Coldgrits
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| Doc G. Full Grown Hoser Staff Posts: 9718 |
Written by Arian Totalis on 16.11.2008 at 17:09
---- "I got a lot of really good ideas, problem is, most of them suck." - George Carlin
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| kkktookmybaby Posts: 132  |
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| BloodFireDeath Posts: 182  |
 Best thread Ive seen in a long time.
---- Goodspeed on the Devils Thunder
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| Heart_of_METAL Posts: 40  |
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| Daggon Underpaid M.D. Posts: 1689  |
I read this a long time ago, but in Spanish... still I find it hilarious hehehe 
---- "Les vers savent qu'ils n'ont pas d'ailes, c'est pour cela qu'ils se cachent sous terre"
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| terrorist Posts: 358  |
True,honest thrash metal ahhhhhhhh;)
---- Will the ones who live after our end Worship the goddamn cross again? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hnlG0h7YN_8&feature=related
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| AbdelioR Posts: 105  |
Lololololol that was fucking epic! 
---- 97. Keep your Gore level down for your friends, you're still a social being.
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)!
There's hardly any sex in heavy metal - so what's with all the fucking and raping? Isn't that what rap is for? Is the average metalhead that frustrated? 
hey, man this is fuckin´ awesome, rating 11/10