Written by Valentin B on 17.01.2011 at 20:54

A girl sends an sms in the middle of the night to her boyfriend:

"my dear, if you are sleeping, send me your dreams, if you are laughing, send me your smile, if you are crying, send me your tears!"

to which the guy replies:

"i'm taking a shit, what should i send you?"

Dude, that one killed me!

The Haiti one was so beautifully wrong

Written by Irritable Ted on 23.01.2011 at 18:45

Gary Glitter is hoping that his favourite team, Aston Villa, get the signing of Robbie Keane during the transfer window.

It will mean that Villa's strikers will be Young, Bent and Keane.

haha, gotta love british humour.

He: "My love! I love you so much. Whatever you wish, I'd do for you. It's our special day. What would you want me to give you as present? A diamond necklace, an expensive fur coat or perhaps a holiday trip to a villa in Hawaii?"
She: "Please stop it! I don't need any of it. I just need your love and the time we spend together is the most precious gift I could ever get!"

Director: "CUT! Ok, we're done for today! So, actors, we'll start tomorrow with the other scenes."

A Physics joke:
one day famous scientists like newton, einstein, etc were playing and they had to find each other. einstein had to find others. everyone hid except newton. he drew a square on the ground and stood on it. when einstein found him he said I'm not newton, I'm on a square so I'm newton/square meter and it means pascal. so you've found pascal not me!!

J.Bond had an car crush. Few minutes after that he open his eyes and saw the old man staring at him. Hello, old man! I am Bond, James Bond. Who are you? -Peter, St. Peter

Reporter: What is Hamburger SV. American: New burger in mcdonalds, Europian: its fussball team from Hamburg

Written by Bad English on 06.02.2011 at 13:56

Reporter: What is Hamburger SV. American: New burger in mcdonalds, Europian: its fussball team from Hamburg

nice one! +1

OK here is one >
Child : Daddy,daddy ,I've heard that Facebook make you stupid....
Father : WTF? OMG! LOL.

Written by Ernis on 25.01.2011 at 23:51

He: "My love! I love you so much. Whatever you wish, I'd do for you. It's our special day. What would you want me to give you as present? A diamond necklace, an expensive fur coat or perhaps a holiday trip to a villa in Hawaii?"
She: "Please stop it! I don't need any of it. I just need your love and the time we spend together is the most precious gift I could ever get!"

Director: "CUT! Ok, we're done for today! So, actors, we'll start tomorrow with the other scenes."

hahah clever

Famous movie quote given to the inappropriate character:

Simba: "I am not an animal! I am a human being!"


Motivational short-story:

Once upon a time there lived a small boy in Japan. He dreamed of becoming the mayor of his hometown, so he studied hard at school, studied hard at the university and finally in 1944 all of his hard work payed off as he became the proud mayor of Hiroshima.

This is one of the best threads, we need to keep it alive. So...


Woman at the bus stop: "What kind of a bus should I take to end up at the graveyard?"
Man: "The kind with no brakes."


"Mom! Everybody at school calls me an idiot!"
"You idiot, I am your father!"


Two superheroes are at a bar, drinking beer. The first one asks the second one: "What's your superpower?" The second superhero says: "I can run faster than a cheetah. What's your superpower?" "I can fly higher than any airplane!" Finally, when they're drunk enough, they decide to make fun of the bartender and ask him: "Hey, what's your superpower, then?" The bartender grins and says: "I piss beer."


Two friends meet to talk and catch up after not having seen each other for a few years:
"So, how much do you earn these days?"
"300 dollars..."
"Moron!"
"....a day."
"Asshole!"


Man asks his wife: "Where were you?"
"I went to the beauty salon."
"And it was closed?"


Woman: "Doctor, every time I take a look in the mirror, I throw up. What could be causing it?"
Doctor: "Your eyesight is too good."


A man's driving, he sees a hitchhiker and pulls over. He rolls down the window and asks: "Where do you want to go and what will you give me, if I take you there?" The hitchhiker says: "I want to go home and I'll give you nothing if you take me there." The man agrees and takes the hitchhiker to his home. As he steps out of the car, the driver asks: "Hey, what about my nothing?" The hitchhiker tells him to get out of the car and follow him, so he does. He takes him to the basement, where there's no light and asks: "What can you see?" "Nothing," replies the driver. "OK then, take two and get the hell out."


Sometimes when I get annoyed with parents who let their kids run around and scream I tell them:
"Your kids are a real treasure. Would you like me to bury them?"


Three people, one woman and two men, survive a shipwreck and end up on a lonely Island. They live there for a few decades and finally the woman says: "Enough of this crap!" and dies. After a few more years one of the two men says: "Enough of this crap!" and buries her. A few more years pass and the second man says: "Enough of this crap! and digs her up.


A 16 year old girl comes home and tells her father: "Dad, I am pregnant." Her father is furious and yells at her: "How could you let this happen?! Did I not tell you to always give no for an answer?!" "I did just that," she replies. "But the question was: would you mind if I screwed you?"


"Say, who's that ugly chick across the street?"
"That's my wife."
"Oh, I am sorry!"
"So am I."

I really like intelligent women. Unfortunately I've never met one.

Part one: A Buddhist approaches a hot dog vendor and says "make me one with everything".

Part two: The Buddhist reaches into his robe, pulls out a 20, then hands it to the vendor. The vendor makes the Buddhist a dog slathered with relish, ketchup, mustard, and the like and gives it to him. The Buddhist takes the hot dog and chomps into it. After a while is spent by the Buddhist standing by the vendor chewing, he asks timidly for his change. To which the vendor replies with a smirk, "change comes only from within".

Written by [user id=105293] on 25.02.2011 at 04:55

I really like intelligent women. Unfortunately I've never met one.

Thanks...

Here are some...

Two old ladies ride a tram. One asks the travel attendant: "Can I get to the bus station with this tram?"
"No, you cannot."
The other lady becomes nervous and asks: "But what about me? Can at least I get to the bus station?"

"Santa Claus visited me last night."
"Cut the crap, he's not real."
"He is. I asked him how much one night with Snow White costs and he said 100. It's evident he comes from the woodland, he knows nothing about prices."

A wife left her husband. While she was at her friend's place and discussing the details of the broken relationship she mentioned: "And as I left the house I heard a gunshot. Do you think he killed himself?"
"Nope. I think he opened a bottle of champagne."

"Why does my wife sleep with all my friends?"
"Do you have many friends?"
"Yes."
"Well, then try to be over it. I'm telling you this as a friend."

@Hobbit the last one was killer!

one guy was visiting the insane asylum. he asks the guy in charge how do they decide if someone is insane, and he replies:

"well, we put him in a room with a bathtub, filled with water. then we give him a bucket and a spoon, and ask him to empty the tub as quickly as possible."

"oh i see, anyone would use the bucket because it's much faster this way!"

"no, someone would pull the plug. do you want a bed near the window?"

Viggo posted that same joke on this very page I think.

Anyone, this is one of the best ones I've heard, EVER.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.

Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am.

The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new
Employee.

He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.

At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush Red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.

The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena .

'I'm sorry,' he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, 'but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday...'

'Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.'

@Kennoth Epic

Hahah, didn't see that one coming really long but damned good joke!

Written by Kennoth on 26.02.2011 at 05:13

Viggo posted that same joke on this very page I think.

Really? I read those yesterday. But you can give me a link if I'm having memory problems...

Maybe I am having memory problems. Everything's possible.


To stay on topic:

Why do black people only have nightmares?

Because the last one that had a dream got shot.

Here's a racist joke that I love

Q: A rich Mexican, Santa Claus, and a white guy jump off a cliff. Who dies first?

A: The white guy. The other two don't exist.

When does a man take a woman´s hand in marriage?

when he gets sick of his.


a squirrel was walking through the woods with a big bag in his hand. he trips over a twig and falls over the bag, with his wife watching.

Ow, my nuts!!, he cries.

what, you had nuts in the bag?

no, nails..



mommy, why does the bride wear white?

because it expresses happiness my dear!

then why is the groom dressed in black???

Written by [user id=111774] on 10.03.2011 at 07:50

Here's a racist joke that I love

Q: A rich Mexican, Santa Claus, and a white guy jump off a cliff. Who dies first?

A: The white guy. The other two don't exist.

And the world's richest person happens to be Mexican these days...

Anyway...
Jack and Jill are playing hide and seek. Jill has hidden herself and sends a text message to Jack: "If you find me, then you can screw me as long as you want. If you don't find me, then I'll wait in the shed."

Suggestion: Bring her flowers. It doesn't hurt you.

Objection: It does. Why? Buying her flowers may show three things:
1. You are giving her a message that you wish to get laid but you are too shy to ask that directly and at the same time you're too stupid to think of a better plan.
2. You've done something bad, now you're feeling guilty and you are so brainless to think that bringing flowers to her does not make her suspicious.
3. You've just tried 1. on some other babe, it didn't work and now you need to get rid of the flowers which implies that 3. is basically 2. with the sole exception that you don't realise the association soon enough but only when receiving a hit on your head with a heavy object.

All this presents potential risks of getting hurt.

^Its called a joke buddy, It doesn't have to be perfectly accurate.

Written by Ernis on 22.03.2011 at 13:00

Suggestion: Bring her flowers. It doesn't hurt you.

Objection: It does. Why? Buying her flowers may show three things:
1. You are giving her a message that you wish to get laid but you are too shy to ask that directly and at the same time you're too stupid to think of a better plan.
2. You've done something bad, now you're feeling guilty and you are so brainless to think that bringing flowers to her does not make her suspicious.
3. You've just tried 1. on some other babe, it didn't work and now you need to get rid of the flowers which implies that 3. is basically 2. with the sole exception that you don't realise the association soon enough but only when receiving a hit on your head with a heavy object.

All this presents potential risks of getting hurt.

Somewhat related quote directly from bash.org:

IronChef Foicite: well, there's a lot of reasons
IronChef Foicite: i mean, roses only last like a couple weeks
IronChef Foicite: and that's if you leave them in water
IronChef Foicite: and they really only exist to be pretty
IronChef Foicite: so that's like saying
IronChef Foicite: "my love for you is transitory and based solely on your appearance"
IronChef Foicite: but a potato!
IronChef Foicite: potatos last for fucking ever, man
IronChef Foicite: in fact, not only will they not rot, they actually grow shit even if you just leave them in the sack
IronChef Foicite: that part alone makes it a good symbol
IronChef Foicite: but there's more!
IronChef Foicite: there are so many ways to enjoy a potato! you can even make a battery with it!
IronChef Foicite: and that's like saying "i have many ways in which I show my love for you"
IronChef Foicite: and potatos may be ugly, but they're still awesome
IronChef Foicite: so that's like saying "it doesn't matter at all what you look like, I'll still love you"

Two guys were talking:
"what are you reading there?"
"a book."
"what's it about?"
"logic."
"what do you mean by "logic"?"
"well, let me explain. do you have an aquarium in your house?"
"yes"
"so that means that you like fish."
"exactly."
"so that means that you go fishing sometimes."
"yes."
"and you go with your friends."
"exactly."
"and you talk about women with them."
"exactly."
"so that means that you're not a homosexual!"
"wow, that sounds really interesting, can i borrow it?"
some days pass and the second guy starts reading the book. at one point, while he was reading it in a park, a third guy approaches him:
"hey man, what are you reading there?"
"a book."
"what's it about?"
"logic."
"what do you mean by "logic"?"
"well, let me explain. do you have an aquarium in your house?"
"no."
"you fucking faggot!"

^Oldie but goodie.

A kid was sitting on the bus with an animal coloring book in his hands, right near the bus driver.
at one point, he shouts right in his ear:
"if my mommy was a cow and my daddy was a bull, then i'd be a little bull!"
the driver looks at him annoyed and goes about his way.
3 minutes later the kid shouts again:
"if my mommy was an elephant and my daddy was an elephant, then i'd be a little elephant!"
the driver is seriously pissed now but he doesn't say anything.
3 minutes later:
"if my mommy was a whale--"
"listen to me you little prick, if your mommy was a crack whore and your daddy was a drunken asshole, what would you be??"
"a bus driver!"



a Russian guy in Germany goes inside a club with a t-shirt that says "the Turks have 3 major problems".
a turk goes up to him and says "what the hell do you want, you looking for trouble?"
the Russian guy says "see, this is the first problem, you don't leave people alone"
after a few hours the club empties and the Russian guy exits, and sees a gang of 10 turks waiting for him.
the Russian says "see, this is the second problem, you can't solve your problems on your own!"
the turks are furious and now pull out their switchblades.
the Russian says "and see, this is the third problem: you bring knives to a gunfight!"

Written by Valentin B on 19.04.2011 at 20:41

a Russian guy in Germany goes inside a club with a t-shirt that says "the Turks have 3 major problems".

I have nothing against Turks but here's a similar one...

"What would happen if Ankara got nuked?"
"Nothing. All the inhabitants would be drinking coffee in Berlin during the explosion."