How To Tell The Difference Between Metal Genres
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* POWER METAL
The protagonist arrives riding a white unicorn, escapes from the dragon, saves the princess and makes love to her in an enchanted forest.
* THRASH METAL
The protagonist arrives, fights the dragon, saves the princess and fucks her.
* HEAVY METAL
The protagonist arrives on a Harley, kills the dragon, drinks a few beers and fucks the princess.
* FOLK METAL
The protagonist arrives with some friends playing accordions, violins, flutes and many more weird instruments, the dragon falls asleep (because of all the dancing). Then all leave........ without the princess.
* VIKING METAL
The protagonist arrives in a ship, kills the dragon with his mighty axe, skins the dragon and eats it, rapes the princess to death, steals her belongings and burns the castle before leaving.
* DEATH METAL
The protagonist arrives, kills the dragon, fucks the princess and kills her, then leaves.
* BLACK METAL
The protagonist IS the dragon, dwells in the heart of the night with in a castle full of hellhounds and eternal flames. He kills the sassy knight, fucks the noble steed and sacrifices the princess to Satan.
* GORE METAL
The protagonist arrives, kills the dragon and spreads his guts in front of the castle, fucks the princess and kills her. Then he fucks the dead body again, slashes her belly and eats her guts. Then he fucks the carcass for the third time, burns the corpse and fucks it for the last time.
* DOOM METAL
The protagonist arrives, sees the size of the dragon and thinks he could never beat him, then he gets depressed and commits suicide. The dragon eats his body and the princess as dessert. That's the end of the sad story.
* PROGRESSIVE METAL
The protagonist arrives with a guitar and plays a solo of 26 minutes. The dragon kills himself out of boredom. The protagonist arrives to the princess' bedroom, plays another solo with all the techniques and tunes he learned in the last year of the conservatory. The princess escapes looking for the 'HEAVY METAL' protagonist.
* GLAM METAL
The protagonist arrives, the dragon laughs at the guy's appearance and lets him enter. He steals the princess' make up and tries to paint the castle in a beautiful pink colour.
* NU METAL
The protagonist arrives in a run down Honda Civic and attempts to fight the dragon but he burns to death when his moronic baggy clothes catch fire.
The protagonist arrives riding a white unicorn, escapes from the dragon, saves the princess and makes love to her in an enchanted forest.
* THRASH METAL
The protagonist arrives, fights the dragon, saves the princess and fucks her.
* HEAVY METAL
The protagonist arrives on a Harley, kills the dragon, drinks a few beers and fucks the princess.
* FOLK METAL
The protagonist arrives with some friends playing accordions, violins, flutes and many more weird instruments, the dragon falls asleep (because of all the dancing). Then all leave........ without the princess.
* VIKING METAL
The protagonist arrives in a ship, kills the dragon with his mighty axe, skins the dragon and eats it, rapes the princess to death, steals her belongings and burns the castle before leaving.
* DEATH METAL
The protagonist arrives, kills the dragon, fucks the princess and kills her, then leaves.
* BLACK METAL
The protagonist IS the dragon, dwells in the heart of the night with in a castle full of hellhounds and eternal flames. He kills the sassy knight, fucks the noble steed and sacrifices the princess to Satan.
* GORE METAL
The protagonist arrives, kills the dragon and spreads his guts in front of the castle, fucks the princess and kills her. Then he fucks the dead body again, slashes her belly and eats her guts. Then he fucks the carcass for the third time, burns the corpse and fucks it for the last time.
* DOOM METAL
The protagonist arrives, sees the size of the dragon and thinks he could never beat him, then he gets depressed and commits suicide. The dragon eats his body and the princess as dessert. That's the end of the sad story.
* PROGRESSIVE METAL
The protagonist arrives with a guitar and plays a solo of 26 minutes. The dragon kills himself out of boredom. The protagonist arrives to the princess' bedroom, plays another solo with all the techniques and tunes he learned in the last year of the conservatory. The princess escapes looking for the 'HEAVY METAL' protagonist.
* GLAM METAL
The protagonist arrives, the dragon laughs at the guy's appearance and lets him enter. He steals the princess' make up and tries to paint the castle in a beautiful pink colour.
* NU METAL
The protagonist arrives in a run down Honda Civic and attempts to fight the dragon but he burns to death when his moronic baggy clothes catch fire.
| Walter Iego Author Elite Posts: 353  |
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| king_matt Posts: 449  |
Written by Walter Iego on 19.05.2011 at 16:35 Is that even a real genre?
---- http://www.last.fm/user/King_Matt
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| Troy Killjoy perfunctionist Staff Posts: 21306  |
Written by king_matt on 22.05.2011 at 19:51 Living Colour, Primus, some Faith No More, 24-7 Spyz... It's definitely a genre.
---- "Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools because they have to say something."
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| Metal_4Ever Posts: 877  |
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| king_matt Posts: 449 |
Written by Troy Killjoy on 22.05.2011 at 20:48 I wouldn't consider Living Colour or Faith No More metal.
---- http://www.last.fm/user/King_Matt
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| Troy Killjoy perfunctionist Staff Posts: 21306 |
Written by king_matt on 22.05.2011 at 23:27 Probably because they're a branch of alternative metal (and simultaneously alternative rock), meaning they don't fit into the technical genre restrictions of your average metal sub-genre. Anyway, if funk metal played a part in this game it would be along the lines of mesmerizing the dragon with some slick disco dance moves as the knight electric slides into the cave where the princess is held before wooing her with some more disco dance moves. The dragon returns to the den to join and they all
---- "Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools because they have to say something."
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| EmperorGonzo Account deleted |
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| Void_Eater Account deleted |
Void_Eater
Account deleted Written by Metal_4Ever on 22.05.2011 at 21:44 The protaganist woulnd't want to save the conformist princess.
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| Joey_Vortex Posts: 1 |
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| Guib Thrash Talker Posts: 3220  |
Thrash Metal* correction The Protagonist arrives at the castle with a beer in his hand... he jumps on the dragon and starts a circle pit that destroys the castle entirely and leaves, drunk, with the princess on his shoulder, still with a beer in his hand. Technical Death Metal* The Protagonist arrives at the castle, he growls at the dragon and this one dies because of bad breath... he finally leave intact without the princess because princesses are way too mainstream.
---- - Headbanging with mostly clogged arteries to that stuff - Guib's List Of Essential Albums - Also Thrash Paradise Thrash Here
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| Walter Iego Author Elite Posts: 353 |
I hope the bands don't read this, it would either put a smile on their face, or an ax in our backs...
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| Yavanna Posts: 616  |
Anyway, if I were the princess, I would prefer staying with the dragon, than being saved by anyone of this "heroes"  I could tell people then: Hey, did you know I have a Dragon at home? 
---- Carry me to the shoreline Bury me in the sand Walk me across the water And maybe you'll understand
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| JD Account deleted |
JD
Account deleted Written by Yavanna on 28.06.2011 at 14:39 Or..or if i were the Dragon, i will kill you then eat you 
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| ANGEL REAPER Posts: 3687  |
Written by [user id=28526] on 28.06.2011 at 15:50 i listen to black metal so by this list i am the Dragon....
---- "Cross is only an iron,hope is just an illusion,freedom is nothing but a name..." "Build your walls of the dead stone...Build your roofs of a dead wood..Build your dreams of a dead thoughts" 
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| JD Account deleted |
JD
Account deleted Written by ANGEL REAPER on 28.06.2011 at 20:16 So that's make me either the unicorn or princess?
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| ANGEL REAPER Posts: 3687 |
Written by [user id=28526] on 28.06.2011 at 20:19 well Yavanna already declare herself as the princess so ....
---- "Cross is only an iron,hope is just an illusion,freedom is nothing but a name..." "Build your walls of the dead stone...Build your roofs of a dead wood..Build your dreams of a dead thoughts"
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| JD Account deleted |
JD
Account deleted Written by ANGEL REAPER on 28.06.2011 at 20:39 Ohh so that's means i'm the Dragon, thanks REAPER 
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| ANGEL REAPER Posts: 3687 |
Written by [user id=28526] on 28.06.2011 at 21:18 well as far as i know virgins (as most princesses are) can attract unicorns so ... i dont mind.... as long as i get the princess.... 
---- "Cross is only an iron,hope is just an illusion,freedom is nothing but a name..." "Build your walls of the dead stone...Build your roofs of a dead wood..Build your dreams of a dead thoughts"
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| JD Account deleted |
JD
Account deleted Written by ANGEL REAPER on 28.06.2011 at 21:27 Ok, you take the princess, you know her better than me, but i hope she don't mind.
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| ANGEL REAPER Posts: 3687 |
Written by [user id=28526] on 28.06.2011 at 21:32  agreed
---- "Cross is only an iron,hope is just an illusion,freedom is nothing but a name..." "Build your walls of the dead stone...Build your roofs of a dead wood..Build your dreams of a dead thoughts"
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| SSM Massacred Posts: 236  |
* FUNERAL DOOM METAL The protagonist arrival takes hundred years, finally the protagonist arrives, the princess and the dragon are both dead and gone, it would take the protagonist another hundred years to realize this.
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| Xim Rocker of Worlds Posts: 273  |
*DRONE METAL The protagonist takes several months to arrive. Once he finally arrives he plays a note so low that the dragon shits himself to death, sadly the princess does also. *AVANTGARDE DEATH METAL The protagonist arrives, rapes the dragon to death and saves the princess, only to rape her to death with a trombone while wearing the dragon's face as a mask.
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| JD Account deleted |
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| Yavanna Posts: 616 |
Written by ANGEL REAPER on 28.06.2011 at 21:34 what kind of discussion was this? it would be great having a dragon and a unicorn for me... I could sell tickets if people wanna come and see them, since such creatures are rare (well, some of the people would have to be feed to the dragon, the unicorn eats grass, and is enough)
---- Carry me to the shoreline Bury me in the sand Walk me across the water And maybe you'll understand
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| BeastOfMetal456 Account deleted |
BeastOfMetal456
Account deleted Written by SSM on 29.06.2011 at 00:05 Nice idea.
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| Pjotr Posts: 1 |
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| EmperorGonzo Account deleted |
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| Yavanna Posts: 616 |
Written by [user id=113163] on 19.08.2011 at 22:38 I couldn't have said it better
---- Carry me to the shoreline Bury me in the sand Walk me across the water And maybe you'll understand
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| EmperorGonzo Account deleted |
EmperorGonzo
Account deleted Written by Yavanna on 19.08.2011 at 22:43 Thank you. Honestly why else are they there then?
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| !J.O.O.E.! Account deleted |