Written by X-Ray Rod on 15.02.2009 at 19:41

And Foreverdarkwood... fuck the grimness, here we're talking about how we rule as men!

Let's talk about how you would NOT rule without women.

Written by X-Ray Rod on 15.02.2009 at 19:41

27- You can be washed and ready for everything in around 10 min

Sad, but true. At least in my case. Payments about hot water are huge too...

Written by X-Ray Rod on 15.02.2009 at 19:41

35- You don't need to sleep beside a hairy ass every night

More! Who said we haven't got a taste of humor? This is pure fun!

Written by X-Ray Rod on 15.02.2009 at 19:41

And Foreverdarkwood... fuck the grimness, here we're talking about how we rule as men!

Yes, but grim and frostbitten men rule more than pansy little men.

Nah, I'm just joking with you, let's team up and unite against our common enemy instead: The women.....

....aka in this case let's all team up and bully Ragana for being female

YOU HAVE COOTIES!!! *runs away giggling like a little girl*

Written by ForeverDarkWoods on 15.02.2009 at 20:14

Written by X-Ray Rod on 15.02.2009 at 19:41

And Foreverdarkwood... fuck the grimness, here we're talking about how we rule as men!

Yes, but grim and frostbitten men rule more than pansy little men.

Nah, I'm just joking with you, let's team up and unite against our common enemy instead: The women.....

....aka in this case let's all team up and bully Ragana for being female

YOU HAVE COOTIES!!! *runs away giggling like a little girl*

...who's the little girl now? Whah, but being a woman is awesome. You don't have to do so many things, there are so many priorities... oh, and you don't have to be the first who talks to a guy you like (this is one of the best things ever, btw). And we can giggle without looking gay.

But yeah, go ahead - who needs men anyway?


Anyway, a bit from the other side...

Q: What did this man say to the other man?
A: Nothing... animals talk only in fairy tales."

Q: Why did the God made a man at first and then decided to make a female?
A: Because everyone knows that at first we experiment and only then comes perfection.


EDIT: Whahah, just found more. XD

* Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up in the morning?
- Because they don't have balls to scratch.

* What is a man's idea of foreplay?
- A half hour of begging.

* How can you tell if a man is sexually excited?
- He's breathing.

Don't worry Ragana, I have more. Now they can unite against both of us.

Men are like... Laxatives
They irritate the shit out of you.

Men are like... Bananas
The older they get, the less firm they are.

Men are like... Vacations
They never seem to be long enough.

Men are like... Bank Machines
Once they withdraw they lose interest.

Men are like... Weather
Nothing can be done to change either one of them.

Men are like... Blenders
You need one, but you're not quite sure why.

Men are like... Cement
After getting laid, they take a long time to get hard.

Men are like... Chocolate Bars
Sweet, smooth, and they usually head right for your hips.

Men are like... Coffee
The best ones are rich, warm, and can keep you up all night long.

Men are like... Commercials
You can't believe a word they say.

Men are like... Department Stores
Their clothes should always be half off.

Men are like... Government bonds
They take so long to mature.

Men are like... Horoscopes
They always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.

Men are like... Lawn Mowers
If you're not pushing one around, then you're riding it.

Men are like... Mascara
They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

Men are like... Popcorn
They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

Men are like... Snowstorms
You never know when he's coming, how many inches you'll get or how long he will last.

Written by Ernotar on 15.02.2009 at 21:11

Men are like... Blenders
You need one, but you're not quite sure why.

True.

Man needs a woman just to show her to his friends.

Written by Ernotar on 15.02.2009 at 21:11

Don't worry Ragana, I have more. Now they can unite against both of us.

You just try it... Wait till you see the true face of our grimness! Then you'll be sorry.

Mr. Doctor! To the trvkvult treehouse (no girls allowed). We must plan our revenge on these poser chicks (as it was written in the 101 rules of black metal, girls can never be true and have no place in black metal).

These Swedish roadsigns are really good though:


Beware of distractions along the roadside.


Beware of female drivers.


Beware of ugly and/or fat women.

How to shower like a man:

1. Take off clothes while sitting on bed and leave them in pile on floor.
2. Walk naked to bathroom.
3. If wife is seenalong the way, shake knob at her making "Woo" sound.
4. Look at manly physique in mirror and suck in gut to see if you have pecs (no).
5. Admire size of knob in mirror, scratch privates and smell fingers for one last whiff.
6. Get in shower.
7. Don't bother to look for wash cloth - don't use one.
8. Wash face.
9. Wash armpits.
10. Laugh at how loud farts sound in the shower.
11. Wash privates and the surrounding area.
12. Wash butt, leaving hair on soap.
13. Shampoo hair but do not use conditioner.
14. Make shampoo Mohican. Pull back curtain to see self in mirror.
15. Pee (in shower).
16. Rinse off and get out of shower.
17. Fail to notice water on floor because shower curtain was outside bath for the whole shower time.
18. Partially dry off.
19. Look at self in mirror again, flex muscles and admire size of knob (again).
20. Leave shower curtain open and wet bath mat on floor.
21. Leave bathroom light and fan on.
22. Return to bedroom with towel around waist. If you pass your wife, pull off towel, grab knob, go "Yeah baby" and thrust pelvis at her.
23. Put on yesterdays clothes.

Here comes the trvkvlt vengeance with furious hammerwrath!

A man is walking down the beach and comes across an old bottle. He picks it up, pulls out the cork and out pops a genie. The genie says "Thank you for freeing me from the bottle. In return I will grant you three wishes." The man says "Great. I always dreamed of this and I know exactly what I want. First, I want 1 Billion dollars in a Swiss bank account." Phoof! There is a flash of light and a piece of paper with account numbers appears in his hand. He continues, "Next, I want a brand new red Ferrari right here." Phoof! There is a flash of light and a bright red brand-new Ferrari appears right next to him. He continues, "Finally, I want to be irresistible to women." Phoof! There is a flash of light and he turns into a box of chocolates.

Whats the difference between your wife and your dog?
Walking the dog is relaxing.

What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.

How do you get a woman dizzy?
Put her in a circular room and tell her to go to a corner.

What do you call a woman with two brain cells?
Pregnant.

more to come. It's war now.

Black metal ist krieg. BLACK METAL KRIEG!

Oh yeah, it's a war...

28 things to say to a naked man:

1. I've smoked fatter joints than that.
2. Ahhhhhhhh... it's cute.
3. Why don't we just cuddle?
4. You know... they have surgery to fix that!
5. Make it dance for me.
6. Can I paint a smiley face on it?
7. Wow, and your feet are so big.
8. It's OK, we'll work around it.
9. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
10. Oh no... a flash headache.
11. (Giggle and point.)
12. Can I be honest with you?
13. This explains your car.
14. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.
15. Why is God punishing me?
16. At least this won't take long.
17. I never saw one like that before.
18. But it still works, right?
19. It looks so unused.
20. Maybe it looks better in natural light.
21. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?
22. Are you cold?
23. If you get me real drunk first, then maybe...
24. Is that an optical illusion?
25. What is that?
26. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.
27. Does it come with an air pump?
28. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.

List of female-oriented training seminars:

1. Elementary Map Reading

2. Crying and Law Enforcement

3. Advanced Math Seminar: Programming Your VCR

4. You CAN Go Shopping for Less than 4 Hours

5. Gaining Five Pounds vs. The End of the World: A Study in Contrast

6. The Seven-Outfit Week

7. PMS: It's YOUR Problem, Not Mine "It's Happened Monthly Since Puberty....... Deal With it"

8. Driving I: Getting Past Automatic Transmissions

9. Driving II: The Meaning of Blinking Orange Lights

10. Driving III: Approximating a Constant Speed

11. Driving IV: Makeup and Driving: It's As Simple As Oil and Water

12. Football: Not a Game: A Sacrament

13. Telephone Translations: formerly titled "'Me Too' Equals I Love You"

14. How to Earn Your Own Money

15. Gift-giving Fundamentals: formerly titled "Fabric Bad, Electronics Good"

16. Putting the Seat Down By Yourself: Potential Energy is on Your Side

17. Beyond "Clean and Dirty": The Nuances of Wearable Laundry

18. Yes, You Can Fill Up At A Self Serve Station

19. Joys of the Remote Control: Reaping the Benefits of 50+Channels

20. What Goes Around Comes Around: Why His Credit Card is Not a Toy

21. His Best Friend Can Be Yours Too

22. His Poker Games: Deal Yourself Out

23. Commitment Schmittment (formerly titled "Wedlock Schmedlock"

24. To Honor and Obey: Remembering the Small Print Above "I Do"

25. Why Your Mother Is Unwelcome In The House

26. Your Mate: Selfish Bastard, or Victimized Sensitive Man?

Written by Ernotar on 15.02.2009 at 22:06

How to shower like a man:

1. Take off clothes while sitting on bed and leave them in pile on floor.
2. Walk naked to bathroom.
3. If wife is seenalong the way, shake knob at her making "Woo" sound.
4. Look at manly physique in mirror and suck in gut to see if you have pecs (no).
5. Admire size of knob in mirror, scratch privates and smell fingers for one last whiff.
6. Get in shower.
7. Don't bother to look for wash cloth - don't use one.
8. Wash face.
9. Wash armpits.
10. Laugh at how loud farts sound in the shower.
11. Wash privates and the surrounding area.
12. Wash butt, leaving hair on soap.
13. Shampoo hair but do not use conditioner.
14. Make shampoo Mohican. Pull back curtain to see self in mirror.
15. Pee (in shower).
16. Rinse off and get out of shower.
17. Fail to notice water on floor because shower curtain was outside bath for the whole shower time.
18. Partially dry off.
19. Look at self in mirror again, flex muscles and admire size of knob (again).
20. Leave shower curtain open and wet bath mat on floor.
21. Leave bathroom light and fan on.
22. Return to bedroom with towel around waist. If you pass your wife, pull off towel, grab knob, go "Yeah baby" and thrust pelvis at her.
23. Put on yesterdays clothes.

damn, so many of these are so true it's all the more funny

Also, to contribute to my masculinity(and of course since i am frustrated with the size of my knob)

How do you turn a fox into a whale? <<<<<<<<<
Marry It!

What are the three fastest means of communication?
1) Internet
2) Telephone
3) Telawoman

How are fat girls and mopeds alike? <<<<<<<<
They're both fun to ride until your friends find out.

How do you piss off a female archaeologist??
Give her a used tampon and ask her what period it comes from.

How is a woman like a condom?
Both of them spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.

How do you make 10 pounds of fat look good?
Put a nipple on it.

Why do women fake orgasms ?
Because they think men care.

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it

If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong?
Made her chain too long

What's the first thing a woman should do when she gets back from the battered women's clinic?
The dishes

Why did the woman cross the road?
Wait, better question, why is she out of the kitchen!?

Why don't women wear watches?
There's a clock on the stove.

Why don't women need drivers licenses?
There is no road between the bedroom and the kitchen.

Woman inspires us to great things...and prevents us from achieving them. (Dumas)

What do you do when your dishwasher breaks?
You hit her.

How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None, let the bitch cook in the dark!

How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?
None, because they never change anything!

Women have created 3 things in this world:
Bitching
Periods
Credit Card Debts


and the cherry on the top...

Wanna hear a funny joke?
Women's rights

Written by Ernotar on 15.02.2009 at 22:39

1. I've smoked fatter joints than that.
7. Wow, and your feet are so big.
8. It's OK, we'll work around it.
13. This explains your car.
14. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.
17. I never saw one like that before.
18. But it still works, right?
20. Maybe it looks better in natural light.

those are great
luckily no one ever said on of those to me before


and do go on please, i am thoroughly enjoying your war

Written by Valentin B on 15.02.2009 at 23:18

How are fat girls and mopeds alike? <<<<<<<<
They're both fun to ride until your friends find out.

How do you piss off a female archaeologist??
Give her a used tampon and ask her what period it comes from.

How is a woman like a condom?
Both of them spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it

What's the first thing a woman should do when she gets back from the battered women's clinic?
The dishes

these are fantastic too

Oooo yeah, looks like a war.. *Grabs a gun and dives in*


Q. When is a woman above a man?

A. When the kitchen is upstairs!


========================================================

Daily agenda for both men and women:

Woman:
Attempt to wake husband. Feed baby. Make breakfast. Change baby. Wake kids. Dress kids. Walk dog. Feed baby. Drive kids to school. Drag husband out of bed. Do laundry. Iron clothes. Clean house. Make husband lunch. Feed and change baby. Clean house again. Walk dog again. Pick up kids. Pick up school stuff. Clean up dog's mess. Make dinner. Call repair man, plumber, electrician, and exterminator. Swat flies. Yell at kids. Put kids to bed. Change baby. Go to Wal-Mart to stand on line for three hours to get one bag of chips for husband. Clean house again. Go to bed. Get up. Comfort baby. Let dog out. Change baby. Let dog in. Get 10 minutes of sleep.

Man:
Sleep. Go to work. Sleep. Drink coffee. Have wife pick up. Watch football and drink beer. Fall asleep. Go to bathroom. Lift one heavy object for begging wife. Go to bed. Yell at wife to feed baby.


======================================================

I'm sitting on this plane, eating my dinner, when all of a sudden the captain comes on the loudspeaker and tells us that the plane is about to crash land into the mountains. The next thing I know this woman from the front of the plane jumps up from her seat and starts screaming like a lunatic.

"I can't die today! I WON'T die today! I am twenty-seven years old! I have been on countless dates and no one has ever made me feel like a woman! Please, I don't want to die like this! Is there anyone on this airplane that can make me feel like a woman?"

The entire plane went from hysteria to complete silence. Then, from the back of the plane, someone stood up. He was a dark, tall, well-built, handsome man.

"I can make you feel like a woman," was his reply.

He started walking slowly down the isle to the woman, who was now shaking with anticipation. One by one he started unbuttoning his shirt buttons, revealing his rippling stomach muscles. He quickly took his shirt off, slowly reached for her trembling hand, looked in her eyes and said...

"Iron this!"

How to impress a woman:

Compliment her,
respect her,
honor her,
cuddle her,
kiss her,
caress her,
love her,
stroke her,
tease her,
comfort her,
protect her,
hug her,
hold her,
spend money on her,
wine and dine her,
buy things for her,
listen to her,
care for her,
stand by her,
support her,
hold her,
go to the ends of the Earth for her.

How to impress a man:

Show up naked.
Bring food.

@Ernotar: Cruel but true

Written by Ernotar on 16.02.2009 at 09:40

How to impress a woman:

Compliment her,
respect her,
honor her,
cuddle her,
kiss her,
caress her,
love her,
stroke her,
tease her,
comfort her,
protect her,
hug her,
hold her,
spend money on her,
wine and dine her,
buy things for her,
listen to her,
care for her,
stand by her,
support her,
hold her,
go to the ends of the Earth for her.

How to impress a man:

Show up naked.
Bring food.

Very true lol..

A man inserted an ad in the classified: ''Wife wanted.'' Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: ''You can have mine.''


========================================================

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful.


========================================================

Then there was a man who said, ''I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late.''


========================================================

How do most men define marriage? An expensive way to get laundry done for free.

Written by Himann on 16.02.2009 at 08:42

I'm sitting on this plane, eating my dinner, when all of a sudden the captain comes on the loudspeaker and tells us that the plane is about to crash land into the mountains. The next thing I know this woman from the front of the plane jumps up from her seat and starts screaming like a lunatic.

"I can't die today! I WON'T die today! I am twenty-seven years old! I have been on countless dates and no one has ever made me feel like a woman! Please, I don't want to die like this! Is there anyone on this airplane that can make me feel like a woman?"

The entire plane went from hysteria to complete silence. Then, from the back of the plane, someone stood up. He was a dark, tall, well-built, handsome man.

"I can make you feel like a woman," was his reply.

He started walking slowly down the isle to the woman, who was now shaking with anticipation. One by one he started unbuttoning his shirt buttons, revealing his rippling stomach muscles. He quickly took his shirt off, slowly reached for her trembling hand, looked in her eyes and said...

"Iron this!"

this one was awesome

Written by Ernotar on 15.02.2009 at 22:06

How to shower like a man:

1. Take off clothes while sitting on bed and leave them in pile on floor.
2. Walk naked to bathroom.
3. If wife is seenalong the way, shake knob at her making "Woo" sound.
4. Look at manly physique in mirror and suck in gut to see if you have pecs (no).
5. Admire size of knob in mirror, scratch privates and smell fingers for one last whiff.
6. Get in shower.
7. Don't bother to look for wash cloth - don't use one.
8. Wash face.
9. Wash armpits.
10. Laugh at how loud farts sound in the shower.
11. Wash privates and the surrounding area.
12. Wash butt, leaving hair on soap.
13. Shampoo hair but do not use conditioner.
14. Make shampoo Mohican. Pull back curtain to see self in mirror.
15. Pee (in shower).
16. Rinse off and get out of shower.
17. Fail to notice water on floor because shower curtain was outside bath for the whole shower time.
18. Partially dry off.
19. Look at self in mirror again, flex muscles and admire size of knob (again).
20. Leave shower curtain open and wet bath mat on floor.
21. Leave bathroom light and fan on.
22. Return to bedroom with towel around waist. If you pass your wife, pull off towel, grab knob, go "Yeah baby" and thrust pelvis at her.
23. Put on yesterdays clothes.

To be continued.....

How to shower like woman:

1. Take off clothing and place it in a sectioned laundry hamper according to lights, darks, whites, man made or natural.
2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If husband seen along the way cover up any exposed flesh and rush to the bathroom.
3. Look at womanly physique in the mirror and stick out belly.
4. Complain and whine about getting fat.
5. Get in shower.
6. Look for facecloth, armcloth, loin cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
7. Wash hair once with Cucumber and Lamphrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.
8. Wash hair again with Cucumber and Lamphrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.
9. Condition hair with cucumber and lamphrey conditioner with enhanced natural crocus oil. Leave on hair for 15 minutes.
10. Wash face with crushed apricot facial scrub for ten minutes until red raw.
11. Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body wash.
12. Rinse conditioner off hair taking at least 15 minutes to make sure that it's all come off.
13. Shave armpits and legs. Consider shaving bikini area but decide to get it waxed instead.
14. Scream loudly when husband flushes toilet and water loses pressure and turns red hot.
15. Turn off shower.
16. Squeegee all wet surfaces in shower.
17. Spray mould spots with Tilex.
18. Get out of shower.
19. Dry with towel the size of small African country.
20. Wrap hair in super absorbent second towel.
21. Check entire body for remotest sign of spots. Attack with nails/tweezers if found.
22. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If husband seen, cover up any exposed areas and then rush to bedroom to spend hour and a half getting dressed.

Looks like someone's been visiting the same website as I to find that corresponding list...

How to speak about men in a politically correct way:

He does not have a Beer Gut
He has developed a Liquid Grain Storage Facility

He is not a Bad Dancer
He is Overly Caucasian

He does not Get Lost All The Time
He Investigates Alternative Destinations

He is not Balding
He is in Follicle Regression

He is not a Cradle Robber
He prefers Generationally Differential Relationships

He does not get Falling-Down Drunk
He becomes Accidentally Horizontal

He does not act like a Total Ass
He develops a case of Rectal-Cranial Inversion

He is not a Sexmachine
He is Romantically Automated

He is not a Male Chauvinist Pig
He has Swine Empathy

He is not afraid of Commitment
He is Monogamously Challenged

He does not Undress You With His Eyes
He has an Introspective Pornographic Moment

And the same thing about ladies to keep things balanced.....

She is not a babe or a chick
She is a breasted citizen.

She is not a screamer or moaner
She is vocally appreciative.

She is not easy
She is horizontally accessible.

She does not tease or flirt
She engages in artificial stimulation.

She is not dumb
She is a detour off the information superhighway.

She has not been around
She is a previously enjoyed companion.

She does not get you excited
She causes temporary blood displacement.

She is not kinky
She is a creative caretaker.

She does not have a killer body
She is terminally attractive.

She is not an airhead
She is reality impaired.

She does not get drunk or tipsy
She gets chemically inconvenienced.

She is not horny
She is sexually focused.

She does not have Breast Implants -
She is Medically Enhanced.

She does not nag you
She becomes verbally repetitive.

She is not a slut
She is sexually extroverted.

She does not have ton weighing tits
She is pectorally outstanding.

She is not a two bit whore
She is a low cost provider.


I read all of this and more years ago in a book called "Internet jokes".....taken from the chapter "War of genders"......

dudes sexist jokes are the best!

I'm glad I'm a woman

I'm glad I'm a woman, yes I am, yes I am
I don't live off of Budweiser, beer nuts and Spam
I don't brag to my buddies about my erections
I won't drive to Hell before I ask for directions
I don't get wasted at parties and act like a clown
and I know how to put the damned toilet seat down!
I won't grab your hooters, I won't pinch your butt
my belt buckle's not hidden beneath my beer gut
and I don't go around "readjusting" my crotch
or yell like Tarzan when my head-board gets a notch
I don't belch in public, I don't scratch my behind
I'm a woman you see - I'm just not that kind!

I'm glad I'm a woman, I'm so glad I could sing
I don't have body hair like shag carpeting
It doesn't grow from my ears or cover my back
When I lean over you can't see 3 inches of crack
And what's on my head doesn't leave with my comb
I'll never buy a toupee to cover my dome
Or have a few hairs pulled from over the side
I'm a woman, you know - I've got far too much pride!

And I honestly think it's a privilege for me
to have these two boobs and squat when I pee
I don't live to play golf and shoot basketball
I don't swagger and spit like a Neanderthal
I won't tell you my wife just does not understand
stick my hand in my pocket to hide that gold band
or tell you a story to make you sigh and weep
then screw you, roll over and fall sound asleep!

Yes, I'm glad I'm a woman, a woman you see
you can forget all about that old penis envy
I don't long for male bonding, I don't cruise for chicks
join the Hair Club For Men, or think with my dick
I'm a woman by chance and I'm thankful it's true
I'm so glad I'm a woman and not a man like you!

LAAAAAAAAAAAAAAME!

_________________________________


100 ADVANTAGES FROM BEING A MAN [PART 3]

51- You can jump without someone is looking to your chest
52- You can kick things while your walk in on the street without looking abnormal [like cans, walls, etc]
53- The hot wax never approaches your male-zone.
54- You can maintain the same mood in a long period of time
55- You can admire Clint Eastwood without trying to almost kill yourself doing a diet to look like him
56- You don't have to drive to another service station because the other one was dirty. :
57- You know at least 20 ways to open a beer can.
58- You can sit with open legs no matter what you're wearing.
59- Same job... More money
60- Grey hair and wrinkles will make you look wise... or even sexy
61- You don't have to move from the room to do an "emergency order of the room"
62- Wedding dress: US $2000; hired custume: US $100
63- You don't give a shit if someone talks behind your back
64- There's always a match or something with violence on the TV
65- You don't take small bites from other people's dessert.
66- If you withhold water... is in a cantimplore!
67- The tv remote control is all yours
68- People never look at your chest when they're talking to you
69- Sport's houses
70- You can visit a friend without giving him a present.
71- The stag parties kick the shit out of the hen parties... easily.
72- You have a good and healthy relantionship with you mother.
73- You can buy condoms or other contraceptive devices without having the salesman looking at you like you're naked.
74- You don't need to pretend that you're going to "refresh yourself a little bit" when you're just going to take a shit.
75- If you don't ring a friend when you said that you would... He wouldn't tell your other friends that you changed.




The last 25 will come soon
And btw... do you guys know why The Statue of Liberty is a woman?


Because the architects needed a hollow head to build the bay

HIS AND HER ROAD TRIPS:

HER:

Pulls off at wrong exit.
Opens window,
asks directions of a knowledgeable police officer
and arrives at destination presently.

HIS:

Pulls off at wrong exit absolutely positive it's the correct one.
Drives five miles into wilderness, still thinks he's right.
Drives an extra 5 miles just in case.
Finally rolls down window just to get fresh air.
Pulls up to a 7 -11.
Gets three hot-dogs, a large slurpee, and beef jerky.
Asks person behind counter how to get back onto the highway.
Gets back into car.
Laughs at the idea of looking at a map as he pulls away from the 7-11.
Drives down a dirt road with no street lights insisting this is the way back because guy from 7-11 said it was.
Almost hits a deer.
Curses the night.
Curses you.
Curses the large slurpee.
Drives and fiddles with radio.
Yells at you for suggesting the map again.
Admits he didn't want to go to Thanksgiving at your sister's anyway.
He hates your sister.
Ever since she called him a pernicious weasel.
He had to look up pernicious.
Couldn't find a dictionary.
Finally found a dictionary
Couldn't spell pernicious.
Seethes at the memory of it all.
But she is laughing inside...
And of course you're still lost.

As a moderator I say: keep up the good work, guys (and gals)!

Written by Ernotar on 16.02.2009 at 19:23

HIS AND HER ROAD TRIPS:

HER:

Pulls off at wrong exit.
Opens window,
asks directions of a knowledgeable police officer
and arrives at destination presently.

This is just lame and nothing fun happens.

Written by Ernotar on 16.02.2009 at 19:23

HIS:

Pulls off at wrong exit absolutely positive it's the correct one.
Drives five miles into wilderness, still thinks he's right.
Drives an extra 5 miles just in case.
Finally rolls down window just to get fresh air.
Pulls up to a 7 -11.
Gets three hot-dogs, a large slurpee, and beef jerky.
Asks person behind counter how to get back onto the highway.
Gets back into car.
Laughs at the idea of looking at a map as he pulls away from the 7-11.
Drives down a dirt road with no street lights insisting this is the way back because guy from 7-11 said it was.
Almost hits a deer.
Curses the night.
Curses you.
Curses the large slurpee.
Drives and fiddles with radio.
Yells at you for suggesting the map again.
Admits he didn't want to go to Thanksgiving at your sister's anyway.
He hates your sister.
Ever since she called him a pernicious weasel.
He had to look up pernicious.
Couldn't find a dictionary.
Finally found a dictionary
Couldn't spell pernicious.
Seethes at the memory of it all.
But she is laughing inside...
And of course you're still lost.

This is cool. I'd totally do it like this just 'cause this is so damn cool.

Can you imagine how boring the world would be if there weren't people who did it like that. It would be like living in the boring metropolis of dull boringness.

Question: How many women with PMS does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Answer from a typical woman: One. ONE!! And do you know WHY it only takes ONE? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb. They don't even know the bulb is BURNED OUT. They would sit in this house in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it OUT. And once they figured it out they wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past SEVENTEEN YEARS. But if, by some miracle, they actually found the light bulbs, TWO DAYS LATER the chair that they dragged across two rooms over to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE RUMPLED WRAPPER THE STUPID LIGHT BULBS CAME IN! WHY?! BECAUSE NO ONE IN THIS HOUSE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE 12 FEET DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE. THIS HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS....

I'm sorry... what did you ask me?


====================================================

This ones a bit mean, but what the heck ey?

Q: How are toilets different from women?

A: The toilet doesn't follow you around after you use it.


=======================================================

Why ain't women been put on the moon?

Because it don't need cleaning yet.


=======================================================

How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?

20: one to change the bulb, the rest to make a documentary all about it.


========================================================

Why do women get married in white?
So they match the kitchen appliances!

Why is clinton gonna lose the election?
Cause she is a woman

Whats the difference between your wife and your dog?
Walking the dog is relaxing.

What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.

Why did the woman cross the road?
Wait, better question, why is she out of the kitchen!?

Why dont women have a penis?
So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.

Why don't women need drivers licenses?
There is no road between the bedroom and the kitchen.

What do you call a woman with two brain cells?
Pregnant.

How is a woman like a laxative?
They both irritate the crap out of you.

Running out of jokes, are you?! I can see the same ones for a second time already.

@ForeverDarkWoods Here's a special one for you: What did a Swede do, when he heard there's sugar in his urine? - Peed on his cereals.

And then back to the endless war...

What is the thinnest book in the world?
What men know about women!

Why don't men eat more M & M's?
They are too hard to peel!

What do you call a man with an I.Q. of 50?
Gifted!

What is the difference between men and government bonds?
Bonds mature!

Why are blond jokes so short?
So men can remember them!

What do men and beer bottles have in common?
They are both empty from the neck up!

How can you tell if a man is happy?
Who cares!

How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
We don't know - it's never happened.

How are men and parking spots alike?
The good ones are always taken and the ones that are left are handicapped.

What's a man's idea of housework?
Lifting his legs so you can vacuum.

What's the difference between a man and E.T.?
E.T. phoned home!

What did God say after he created man?
I can do better than this!

What does a man consider a seven course meal?
A hot dog and a six pack of beer!

How do men exercise at the beach?
By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.

What's the best way to force a man to do situps?
Put the remote between his toes.

How do men define a 50/50 relationship?
We cook/they eat we clean/they dirty we iron/they wrinkle!