101 Rules Of Viking Metal
101 Rules Of Viking Metal
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101 Rules Of Viking Metal
(Translated and adapted with express permission from the author: http://whiplash.net/materias/humor/073867.html)
1 - You was, is, and will always be pagan.
2 - Odin is everything!
3 - Have long hair.
4 - Have a beard even longer then your hair, bur refer to #3.
5 - Use hair irons. The Vikings didn't have it, but we are on the 21st Century.
6 - Don't say you ironed your hair. For the other people, it is all natural.
7 - You have a single purpose: go to Valhalla. All the rest is pointless.
8 - Be loyal to Odin.
9 - Odin doesn't wear shirts. So, you shouldn't wear them either.
10 - Odin isn't gay.
11 - Use tight pants, but not too tight. Refer to #10.
12 - Adopt pagan symbols, pagan names, whatever, Just refer to #1.
13 - You are epic, but not Power Metal. Refer to #1
14 - Your beard is the symbol of your manhood.
15 - If you don't have long beard, nor long hair and you still play in a Viking Metal band, you are from Enslaved.
16 - Listen to Enslaved, but don't admit your inspiration comes from them. Remember, Odin has inspired you! (Refer to #8)
17 - Don't be like Enslaved.
18 - If you can't follow #4, don't panic, cover your face with your hair during concerts.
19 - Don't wear gay clothing. Refer to #17 and #10.
20 - Have Viking swords and axes, take pictures with them and even bring them to the stage, but don't kill anyone.
21 - Killing is a crime, and you can go to jail for it.
22 - If you see Dani Filth, #20 and #21 don't apply to you anymore.
23 - You have a theme to talk about in all your songs: Vikings. If it gets repetitive, don't worry, since nobody understands what you sing.
24 - Nobody should understand what you sing.
25 - If people actually manage to understand it, try singing in a language that only a few people know, such as Esperanto.
26 - Sacrifice a lamb in honor of Odin, but don't let your neighboors become aware of it.
27 - Don't do this at home. Blood spills.
28 - The bassist is an Odin's Chosen One, don't mistreat him.
29 - Don't follow #28.
30 - You shall not covet your neighboor's Valkyrie, specially if he is a Demigod.
31 - All your music videos must be shot in nordic scenery.
32 - Growl, shout, howl, scream, but don't sing.
33 - Odin created nipples. Don't bother on showing then.
34 - Shave well your nordic breastplate so that your nipples become visible.
35 - If it hurts too much, remember that Odin also created laser shaving.
36 - Drink fucking lots, get drunk, fall down on the floor, wreck the bar, but only after getting famous.
37 - Yes, Jesus enjoyed Viking Metal. Refer to #3, #4, #5, #6, #10, #14, #17, #24 and #33.
38 - Viking women have no beard.
39 - Viking women should also not forget to shave.
40 - With good training, they may be domesticated.
41 - You are Viking, not Black Metal, so you can use the women outside the music videos.
42 - Oh, you can eat the lamb after sacrifing it.
43 - Remember: all banging must be synchronized, just like Amon Amarth.
44 - Be like Amon Amarth
45 - No, Amon Amarth don't use wigs, their hairs are all natural. Refer to #6.
46 - The drummer should appear in only 6% of the music video.
47 - The drummer is not a pet, but don't let him loose, or else he may flee.
48 - The drummer must be fed 3 times a day.
49 - Have "Soloed Rhythms" and "Rhythmic Solos".
50 - Don't kill any Black Metallers, even if they really deserve it. It wasn't their fault if they were molested as children (#22 is protected against this law, but refer to #20 and #21).
51 - Every Viking Metaller likes to enlarge things, including nipples and rules.
52 - Never compare the nordic world to the real world, like "Darling, you are as beautiful as the destruction of 1000 burning corpses being pierced by beautiful arrows amidst screams of pain". It doesn't matter how wonderful it is, she will never understand it.
53 - A true warrior don't need condoms, use your shield.
54 - Remember: viewed from the back, you must look like a lady; viewed from the front, you must look like a dwarf.
55 - Don't look like a Power Metaller nor like a Black Metaller. Refer to #17 and #10.
56 - There is no place like Valhalla, so don't try to find the perfect place.
57 - Heavy rhythm, heavy drums, heavy solo, heavy vocals, gay bassist.
58 - Guitarrists: create a riff, repeat a riff, record a riff. Voila! You have a song.
59 - Guitarrists: create a song, repeat a song, record a song. Voila! You have an album.
60 - Vocalists: GGWWHHHJSJKWKDHWJDGWGS ODIN!!!!
61 - Don't put your finger on everything you see, specially inside the drummer's mouth.
62 - Your beard can retain: fungi, bacteria, algae, liquens and small mammals, or, in other words, food.
63 - Remember: you are a big family, so all bands must sound the same.
64 - Don't say Family, say Clan.
65 - When asked what is your god, name all the gods of Nordic Mythology and explain the whole story. But don't mention any name, after all, YOU are Odin's Chosen One, not them.
66 - Don't say Nordic Mythology, say Nordic Religion.
67 - Buy a really weird viking hat. Remember: the more weird it is, the more "viking" it is.
68 - When you go to the amusement park, go straight to the Viking Ship and stay there all day. After all, it has Viking on its name. When it is time to go home, complain that it wasn't real.
69 - Take care of the small animals that live in your beard. They are also sons of Odin.
70 - When asked what do you want for Christmas present, say "Thor's Hammer!!".
71 - Don't forget to put lots of emphasis in the name of THOR!!!!
72 - Drink, drink, drink and drink. You are not a true viking if don't get drunk on, at least, every Wednesday.
73 - Vikings don't work, they go to war!
74 - If you see, one day, a Power Metaller killing a Black Metaller that was pretending to be a troll, pick up your axe and kill both. The world won't miss them (forget #20 and #21).
75 - Vikings also had beer belly. Be proud of this.
76 - Yes, Manowar could be viking, but Loki brought them to the wrong way.
77 - Thor = Good. Loki = Bad.
78 - Amon Amarth = Good. Enslaved = Bad.
79 - Remember: you are a Viking, not Reggae, so no small animals and fungi in your hair, just in your beard.
80 - Valhalla? 3 words: valkyries, valkyries, valkyries.
81 - Even if you was born in the middle of the Sonora Desert, when asked where are you from, answer "from the frozen mountains of the North!"
82 - When asked where do you work at, answer "At the ice wasteland of the northwest where fire and steel are born!". You have just said you work on a steel factory in Iceland, but no one should understand it.
83 - The viking hat has 2 uses: to wear it in your head and as a beer mug.
84 - If any Black Metaller annoys you, show him a third use of the viking hat.
85 - You are unique. You and other thousand bands that sound the same.
86 - You are not Manowar, so you don't need to get pumped (refer to #75).
87 - The only comic worth reading is "Hagar The Horrible".
88 - If someone question your manhood, show your beard. If he still question it, show your sword. If he still question it, show you axe. If he still question it, consider him Dani Filth (Refer to #22).
89 - Don't recruit members for a band, recruit members for a nordic army!
90 - Your band's name must sound really nordic. If possible, mention a nordic god on it, like "Thor's Hammer Of Frozen Death".
91 - Remember: "frozen" is viking. Use as much as possible.
92 - Use paradoxes for the titles of your songs, such as "Warm Sun Of Cold Plains", Death Valley Of Life" and so on.
93 - Vikings are eclectical. They can use both swords, axes and spears.
94 - Viking Metal songs are made of 3 noises: growls (vocals), grunts (guitars) and drubbing (drums).
95 - Now, you ask: "what about the bassist?". I answer: "He's drunk".
96 - When it rains, get mad. Rain messes up with your drakkars.
97 - Just because Viking Metal came from Black Metal it doesn't mean you have to paint your face. Refer to #10.
98 - With an axe in your hands, you can do whatever you want.
99 - You are not better than the other musical genres, its the other musical genres that are crap.
100 - Beeeeerrrrr!!!!
101 - Don't show of too much, or people will notice that you shave your nipples.
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