Frank and Joe are sitting in a train. After a while Joe says: damn it really smells bad over here. let's find another seat. Frank says: ok, let's go. One minute later Joe says: it smells over here to. let's find another seat. Frank says: sure. Again, Joe says: this is unbearable! This awful stench is over here to. We need to change seats again. Frank says: let's do it. They get another seat. Joe turns to Frank and asks: Frank, did you shit your pants? Frank replies: Yes I did, why do you ask?

Here's one.
A boy is walking a dead frog on a leash. He walks in to a brothel and asks for the ugliest girl with the most STD's. The man at the reception looks strangely at him asking him for money. The boy shows hundreds of dollars and gets the girl. After nailing the hoe he walks to the reception for payment. The receptionist asks him why he wanted the contaminated girl. The boy said, when I'm coming home I'll be nailing my babysitter, then my dad comes home and he'll nail her. When mom gets home she'll nail dad and when dad leaves for work, mom will nail the mailman, and it's the mailman I'm after, he ran over my frog.

Written by Destryphior on 29.04.2009 at 23:06

Here's one.
A boy is walking a dead frog on a leash. He walks in to a brothel and asks for the ugliest girl with the most STD's. The man at the reception looks strangely at him asking him for money. The boy shows hundreds of dollars and gets the girl. After nailing the hoe he walks to the reception for payment. The receptionist asks him why he wanted the contaminated girl. The boy said, when I'm coming home I'll be nailing my babysitter, then my dad comes home and he'll nail her. When mom gets home she'll nail dad and when dad leaves for work, mom will nail the mailman, and it's the mailman I'm after, he ran over my frog.

Hahaha, that is freaking hilarious.

A highly offensive musician joke:

how do you call the guys who usually hang out with real, accomplished, true artist musicians?

drummers.

My sister just told this to me, it was sooo sad.

Nuns in cloister have an emergency gathering.
- There has been a man in our territory tonight.
All of them scream: "AAAAAA!"
One of them chuckles: "Hihihi!"
- We have found a used condom as well.
All of them scream: "AAAAAA!"
One of them chuckles: "Hihihi!"
- There was a hole in that condom.
All of them chuckle: "Hihihi!"
One of them screams: "AAAAAA!"

Written by Ragana on 07.05.2009 at 00:07

My sister just told this to me, it was sooo sad.

Nuns in cloister have an emergency gathering.
- There has been a man in our territory tonight.
All of them scream: "AAAAAA!"
One of them chuckles: "Hihihi!"
- We have found a used condom as well.
All of them scream: "AAAAAA!"
One of them chuckles: "Hihihi!"
- There was a hole in that condom.
All of them chuckle: "Hihihi!"
One of them screams: "AAAAAA!"

Haha. Nice one. In fact I've heard something like that, but not about nuns.

Written by Valentin B on 05.05.2009 at 21:09

A highly offensive musician joke:

how do you call the guys who usually hang out with real, accomplished, true artist musicians?

drummers.

How many guitarists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? One, he holds it up and the world revolves around him.

But seriously, bassists is the actual punchline to your joke. Its impossible for a drummer to "pretend" to know what they're doing, whereas a crappy bassist can turn him self so low no one can hear him. You can cover up a shitty bassist, you can't cover up a shitty drummer. Anyways, more jokes:

How many ADD Kids does it take to screw in a light bulb? Hey look! A Bike!

What do 9 out of 10 people enjoy? Gang rape.

Written by Doc G. on 07.05.2009 at 01:24

How many ADD Kids does it take to screw in a light bulb? Hey look! A Bike!

Do you mean those who play Advanced Dungeons and Dragons? : )

Written by Ernis on 07.05.2009 at 09:41

Written by Doc G. on 07.05.2009 at 01:24

How many ADD Kids does it take to screw in a light bulb? Hey look! A Bike!

Do you mean those who play Advanced Dungeons and Dragons? : )

lol. Yes, none other.

Written by Doc G. on 07.05.2009 at 10:15

Written by Ernis on 07.05.2009 at 09:41

Written by Doc G. on 07.05.2009 at 01:24

How many ADD Kids does it take to screw in a light bulb? Hey look! A Bike!

Do you mean those who play Advanced Dungeons and Dragons? : )

lol. Yes, none other.

All right....but could you explain a bit more thoroughly the sentence about them. What does the Hey look and Bike mean?

Written by Ernis on 07.05.2009 at 12:44

Written by Doc G. on 07.05.2009 at 10:15

Written by Ernis on 07.05.2009 at 09:41

Written by Doc G. on 07.05.2009 at 01:24

How many ADD Kids does it take to screw in a light bulb? Hey look! A Bike!

Do you mean those who play Advanced Dungeons and Dragons? : )

lol. Yes, none other.

All right....but could you explain a bit more thoroughly the sentence about them. What does the Hey look and Bike mean?

ADD = attention deficit disorder

Same thing as ADHD but without the hyperactivity, the joke is that people with ADD get distracted by the most insignificant things

Written by Bas on 07.05.2009 at 14:42

Written by Ernis on 07.05.2009 at 12:44

Written by Doc G. on 07.05.2009 at 10:15

Written by Ernis on 07.05.2009 at 09:41

Written by Doc G. on 07.05.2009 at 01:24

How many ADD Kids does it take to screw in a light bulb? Hey look! A Bike!

Do you mean those who play Advanced Dungeons and Dragons? : )

lol. Yes, none other.

All right....but could you explain a bit more thoroughly the sentence about them. What does the Hey look and Bike mean?

ADD = attention deficit disorder

Same thing as ADHD but without the hyperactivity, the joke is that people with ADD get distracted by the most insignificant things

Danke schön....

Written by Ragana on 07.05.2009 at 00:07

My sister just told this to me, it was sooo sad.

Nuns in cloister have an emergency gathering.
- There has been a man in our territory tonight.
All of them scream: "AAAAAA!"
One of them chuckles: "Hihihi!"
- We have found a used condom as well.
All of them scream: "AAAAAA!"
One of them chuckles: "Hihihi!"
- There was a hole in that condom.
All of them chuckle: "Hihihi!"
One of them screams: "AAAAAA!"

I was the man.
I chuckle : "hihihi!"
All of them scream : "AAAAA!"

Written by Visioneerie on 07.05.2009 at 23:05

Written by Ragana on 07.05.2009 at 00:07

My sister just told this to me, it was sooo sad.

Nuns in cloister have an emergency gathering.
- There has been a man in our territory tonight.
All of them scream: "AAAAAA!"
One of them chuckles: "Hihihi!"
- We have found a used condom as well.
All of them scream: "AAAAAA!"
One of them chuckles: "Hihihi!"
- There was a hole in that condom.
All of them chuckle: "Hihihi!"
One of them screams: "AAAAAA!"

I was the man.
I chuckle : "hihihi!"
All of them scream : "AAAAA!"

Might be.

Husband arrives home late at night. His wife asks "Where were you so late?"
"At Vasja's place."
"Ok, we're going to prove that." The wife picks up the phone and calls Vasja.
"Vasja, was my husband at your place tonight?"
"Of course...in fact, he's here at my place even now."



Wife is in bed with her husband's best friend. Suddenly a phone rings. The woman picks it up and answers "Yes, yes, aha, ok, got it, see you, have a good time, bye."
Husband's best friend asks, "Was that him?"
"Yeh, he told me that he won't be coming home tonight because he's going on a fishing trip together with you."



At the barbershop the hairdresser is shaving the face of a client who has got lots of wrinkles. To ease the job, he puts a table tennis ball into the client's mouth.
"Why didn't you use the ball last time I came here?" asks the client.
"Another client swallowed it lately and didn't bring it back until today."

How do 2 guitarists say hello to each other?

hello, i'm faster than you.


what's the difference between a bass guitar and a trampoline?

you take off your shoes to jump on the trampoline.


how many guitarists does it take to change a light bulb?

1000. 1 changes the light bulb, and 999 to say "he doesn't have feeling, he plays like a robot!"

How to keep five black men out of a gang rape?
Give'em a basketball.

The wild west, local saloon. 2 guys are sitting at a table with whiskey in their hands.

"hey, you see that guy over there, standing at the bar?"

"which one, there's three of them?"

"the one with the black hat."

"but they're all wearing black hats!"

"then check out the one with the poncho"

"but they're all wearing ponchos!"

"ok, the one with the huge spurs on the boots then, goddamit!!"

"but they all have--"

the first cowboy is PISSED now and shoots 2 of the guys who fall dead to the floor, leaving only the guy in the middle standing.

"ok, NOW do you see him?"

"yeah"

"well, you should know that he's my greatest enemy"

@valentin: as the great homer simpson would say: d'oh!

Chances are you'll tremble with anger instead of laughter upon reading this, but I wanted to share it with you because hopefully it'll inspire people from both sides to engage themselves in another fight similar to the one we witnessed here a couple pages back. I found this to be fearsomely accurate although basically it's just a straw man (straw woman? straw... person?) through and through.


PLAY EXCITING NEW GAME: MORAL HIGH GROUND

"Race to the Moral Highground" is an exciting new board game that pits the good people (known as Feminists) against the rest of the oppressive, immoral, barbaric world (known as men.)

The board: The game is play on a "level playing field," which consists of throwing the men down a well in leg irons so the Feminists will have an equal chance. The path is circular and closed off to the outside world, to mirror the types of logic used in Women's Studies courses.

How it's played: Feminists advance to the moral high ground by saying and doing things that would be considered terribly sexist and bigoted coming from men.

Rolling the dice: Feminists get to use the same scientific methodology they use in their studies of wages, violence, etc. In other words, they get to keep rolling the dice until they get the results they want.

The Squares: Players roll the dice and land on squares that contain benefits for Feminists and penalties for men (who are also known as Backlashers.)

- I Care Only About My Own Group Square: If you're the Feminist, land on this square and declare that you're interested only in the rights, health, safety and comfort of women. This will advance you three spaces toward the moral high ground. If you're the Backlasher, declare that you're interested only in the rights, health, safety and comfort of men. Get penalized three squares as a sexist.

- Past Injustices Square: Past injustices happened only to women. Even wealthy Ivy League Feminists who land on this square get a special promotion to make up for past injustices. Advance three squares toward the moral high ground. Backlashers have to give the Feminist their next turn, in order to make up for past injustices.

- The Commit Sexual Harassment Square: On this square, only men are penalized. How do you like my Fabio calendar, stud muffin? (However, Democratic presidents get to put off any punishment until the game is over.)

- Domestic Violence Square: If your name is Warren Moon, you will be arrested for hurting your wife's knee by ramming it with your groin.

- Stereotype Square: Feminist landing here can declare that all men are potential rapists, all men are wealthy and privileged, that men commit all the crime and spouse abuse. Then advance three squares for "educating the public" and "serving as the conscience of society." Backlashers who make any statement that starts with "all women are ..." must go directly to the Diversity Committee. Do not pass the First Amendment. Do not collect freedom of speech. (But take heart. The Diversity Committee may decide that you're entitled to free speech -- if they like the speech.)

- Affirmative Action Square: Everyone gets penalized if they refer to Affirmative Action as "preferences," "quotas" or "discrimination." Remember, it's discrimination only if it happens to women.

- Victimhood Square: If you're a woman who kills a man, you're a victim. Advance two squares. If you're a man who kills a woman, you're a man who kills a woman. Any questions?

- Male Feminist Square: Advance one square if you can read statements like "all men are potential rapists who commit all the crime and all the spouse abuse" and still claim that you've never seen any examples of male-bashing.

- VMI Square: If you're a man who belongs to any organization that has only male members, get penalized for belonging to a sexist good ol' boys club. If you're a woman, you get to lead a delegation from the 80-plus women-only colleges in the United States as they protest at The Virginia Military Institute. Advance toward the moral high ground.

- Recovered Memory Square: Recover "repressed memories" of any damn thing you want! If you think you were abused, then you were abused! Congratulations: you now are a victim with no obligation to forgive anyone for any offense, no matter how specious. Advance three squares toward the moral high ground.

- Believe The Children Square: Social workers will browbeat and threaten the kids until they say Satan force-fed them mustard-covered 'Smores. Just keep rolling the dice until you come up with the accusation you want.

Ending the Game: You can actually repeat this procedure forever. God knows they're doing it now.

Written by Graveheart on 01.06.2009 at 15:14

Remember, it's discrimination only if it happens to women.

hahahahah that is so true and depressing... reminds me of this:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UK-V7oTUf_A&feature=related

"fellas, when you wake up in the morning and look in the mirror you should say: fuck you! fuck your hopes, fuck your dreams, fuck everything you thought your life was about, now let's go and make this bitch happy."

You probably all know these ones they're really old, but still good

Why did Rhapsody cross the road?
To slay the dragon.

How many members of Rhapsody does it take to screw in a light bulb?
2 - one to screw in the light bulb and one to slay the dragon.

A metalhead, a punk, and an emo live on the 8th floor of a building. The building is set on fire, which one survives?
The metalhead, he was at work.

What do you do when you see a bassist at the door?
Pay for the pizza.

A husband is reading a newspaper and tells wife "You know, they write here that women talk twice as much as men...an average woman uses around 2200 words per given time unit while an average man only uses 1100. I mean, isn't that fascinating..."

The wife answers: "That's because we most of times have to repeat things we say."

"What?"

Two drunk guys come out of a bar. One has to take a piss but is too drunk to get his "thing" out of his pants so he asks the other guy to help him out. They are best friends after all (and he was drunk as hell) so he agreed to give him a hand, but he put his hand in the guy's pocket by accident and found a pickle there... so he pulled it out.
"Oh, dude sorry I ripped your dick off."
"Oh, man I can feel the warm blood going down my pants."

Two guys are stranded in the desert and haven't had sex in months. One says to the other: "I know this sounds weird, but can I have sex with you?"
"Well ... I don't know..."
"Don't worry you don't become gay after doing it only once."
"Well... OK."
So they have sex and on the other day the second guy asks the first: "Do you become gay after doing it twice?"

WARNING! Offensive brutality!

A woman is giving birth, after a few hours the baby is born. The doctor holds it in his hands and stares at it, then starts punching it in the face, smashing its head against the wall kicking and stabbing it with a scalpel. The woman shocked at the sight starts yelling at him: "Murderer! What are you doing?!"
The doctor grinning says: "Relaaax, I'm just messin' with ya... It was born dead."

"Mommy, mommy, can I have a cookie?"
"Sure, there over there on that shelf."
"But mommy, I don't have any hands..."
"No hands = no cookie!"

Written by Nimlot on 04.06.2009 at 19:23

"Mommy, mommy, can I have a cookie?"
"Sure, there over there on that shelf."
"But mommy, I don't have any hands..."
"No hands = no cookie!"

This somehow reminds me of the story of little Sally who's been blind since birth. One day she asks her mother, "will I ever be able to see?" and mommy says, "yes my child, somebody came up with this new facial cream that will make you see, I'll be off to the pharmacy to get it for you." So mom goes out and drops by the pharmacy while Sally stays home in eager anticipation. Finally mom comes home:

Mom: hey kid, I've got that cream for you now
Sally: oh that's lovely
Mom: it has to be rubbed in your eyes
(she rubs the cream in Sally's eyes)
Sally: ow, mom, it burns so bad
Mom: it's supposed to burn to make it work and let's just put this towel over your eyes and there you go
Sally: but mom, it still keeps stinging my eyes so bad and it's hard to breathe with this towel on my face
Mom: try to hold on, you need to stay just like that till the evening, or else it won't work

Finally it's evening and Sally's mom goes to see her daughter,
Mom: we can remove the towel now
Sally: about fucking time
...
Sally: but I can't see
Mom: of course you can't see, my darling, because today is April Fool's day

Lol brutal jokes are the best!

What's funnier than a dead baby?











TWO dead babies!

Yeah.... bad joke, whatever.

You know you are too fat when you go swimming in the sea and the whales start singing "We are family"

Written by Nimlot on 04.06.2009 at 19:23

WARNING! Offensive brutality!

A woman is giving birth, after a few hours the baby is born. The doctor holds it in his hands and stares at it, then starts punching it in the face, smashing its head against the wall kicking and stabbing it with a scalpel. The woman shocked at the sight starts yelling at him: "Murderer! What are you doing?!"
The doctor grinning says: "Relaaax, I'm just messin' with ya... It was born dead."

now that's a joke!!

I got this one from Ebaumsworld... i'm speechless...


Jason came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk (as he often did) and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep.

He gave his wife a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.
When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe.
"Who the hell are you?" Demanded Jason, "and what are you doing in my bedroom?".
The mysterious Man answered "This isn't your bedroom and I'm St. Peter".
Jason was stunned "You mean I'm dead!!! That can't be, I have so much to live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family?. you've got to send me back straight away".

St Peter replied "Yes you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen." Jason was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen. A flash of light later he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground.

"This ain't so bad" he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him.
The farmyard rooster strolled over and said "So you're the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day here?"
"It's not so bad" replies Jason, "but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode".
"You're ovulating" explained the rooster, "don't tell me you've never laid an egg before".
"Never" replies Jason.
"Well just relax and let it happen".
And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that had ever happened to him? ever!!!

The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he felt an enormous SMACK on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting "Jason, wake up you drunken bastard, you're shitting the bed!"