- Why did the little girl fall off the swing?

- Because she had no limbs.

Written by [user id=1843] on 11.11.2009 at 19:43

- Why did the little girl fall off the swing?

- Because she had no limbs.

That's the very first joke I tell to people everytime they want me to tell a joke and I don't feel like it. it works everytime since they don't ask me anything after that

Written by X-Ray Rod on 11.11.2009 at 20:03

Written by [user id=1843] on 11.11.2009 at 19:43

- Why did the little girl fall off the swing?

- Because she had no limbs.

That's the very first joke I tell to people everytime they want me to tell a joke and I don't feel like it. it works everytime since they don't ask me anything after that

hahahah, not a good idea with people like me haha, another joke in that style:

little Suzy was in the back yard riding her bike and her mommy was watching her attentively.

"look mommy! only one hand!"

5 minutes later

"look mommy! no hands!"

5 minutes later

"look mommy, no teeth!"

Written by Valentin B on 11.11.2009 at 20:24

little Suzy was in the back yard riding her bike and her mommy was watching her attentively.

"look mommy! only one hand!"

5 minutes later

"look mommy! no hands!"

5 minutes later

"look mommy, no teeth!"

Dawwwwwwwwww, my dad told me that joke when he teached me to ride a bike.

Written by Hamird on 11.11.2009 at 12:17

- "Shouldn't you peel them?"
- "Why, I already know what's inside. BTW, Anything else you should be telling me?"
- "You're an idiot."

Written by tulkas on 11.11.2009 at 04:07

Haha, that one can be complemented with your signature

Thanks a lot, dudes....I didn't notice it myself but they indeed suit together so well....

Written by Valentin B on 11.11.2009 at 20:24

"look mommy, no teeth!"

No...she couldn't have said that...

Most likely she said:
"Fook mommy, fo theeth!"

There were three dogs at the vet's reception. A small poodle started the discussion: "My owner is a true jackass. He always comes home wasted and keeps beating me with a wrapped newspaper. So this one night I felt vengeful and squeezed a turd into his shoe. And here I am, waiting for the needle of death."

A golden retriever replied: "My owners are never home. I'm always alone in the house and there's nothing to do. So this one afternoon I completely flipped out for a minute and tore the furniture down. And here I am, waiting for the needle of death."

A great dane replied: "My owner is a nice, friendly and pretty lady. She keeps me away from the bitches though. So this one morning she got out of the shower and started making the bed, completely naked. I couldn't help it at all anymore so I gave it to her, doggy-style of course."

The poodle and the golden retrieved asked, "so are you here for the needle of death too?" and the great dane said, "nah, I'm here getting my nails trimmed."

Oh man... that is soooooooooooo wrong!!!

Written by Graveheart on 13.11.2009 at 14:54

There were three dogs at the vet's reception. A small poodle started the discussion: "My owner is a true jackass. He always comes home wasted and keeps beating me with a wrapped newspaper. So this one night I felt vengeful and squeezed a turd into his shoe. And here I am, waiting for the needle of death."

A golden retriever replied: "My owners are never home. I'm always alone in the house and there's nothing to do. So this one afternoon I completely flipped out for a minute and tore the furniture down. And here I am, waiting for the needle of death."

A great dane replied: "My owner is a nice, friendly and pretty lady. She keeps me away from the bitches though. So this one morning she got out of the shower and started making the bed, completely naked. I couldn't help it at all anymore so I gave it to her, doggy-style of course."

The poodle and the golden retrieved asked, "so are you here for the needle of death too?" and the great dane said, "nah, I'm here getting my nails trimmed."

Hahaha OMG!! Oh, dude, you just brightened up my day!

Cruel one...

I just had an argument with a girl I know.
She was saying how it's unfair that if a guy fucks a different girl every week, he's a legend, but if a girl fucks just two guys in a year, she's a slut.
So in response I told her that if a key opens lots of locks, then it's a master key. But if a lock is opened by lots of keys, then it's a shitty lock. That shut her up.

Written by Ellrohir on 21.11.2009 at 11:37

Cruel one...

I just had an argument with a girl I know.
She was saying how it's unfair that if a guy fucks a different girl every week, he's a legend, but if a girl fucks just two guys in a year, she's a slut.
So in response I told her that if a key opens lots of locks, then it's a master key. But if a lock is opened by lots of keys, then it's a shitty lock. That shut her up.

Funny..
Although it's not a joke, one of the Muslim (Shia) imams has mentioned another example with the same concept.. One of my theology teachers told the class when we were at school.
"Some women came to him and asked why you say in Islam men are free to marry more than once, but women are only allowed to marry to one man at the same time..
He brought forth a bowl and gave them each a glass of water. And said now pour your water into this bowl. And then said, now anyone pick their own water from this bowl.. They couldn't, because all water was mixed together.
And he said, woman is bowl, and man is glass of water.. if more than one man get inside you and someday you'd be pregnant you don't know whose baby it is? So you're not allowed to be with more than one men at the same time..

Written by Hamird on 21.11.2009 at 14:05

So you're not allowed to be with more than one men at the same time..

Yeh...that's actually a big logic there....I personally as a man think it's one of the most awful ways to get hurt by a woman when she cheats on you and has kids with other dudes behind your back....

Anyway... joke time...

A lady and her young beautiful granddaughter go to see the doctor. The doctor tells to the girl: "All right, I'm going to examine you, take off all your clothes."
The girl says: "No, I'm ok...it's my grandmother who came for a check."
The doctor says: "Oh, so that's the case. All right madam, open your mouth and show me your tongue."

Another similar one...

An older lady is speaking to a doctor. "You know the medicine has developed so much. I remember when I was younger I had to get naked every time when visiting doctors for them to be able to determine my health. Nowadays you only have to show your tongue."

A doctor says to his patient, "I have bad news and worse news".
"Oh dear, what's the bad news?" asks the patient.
The doctor replies, "You only have 24 hours to live."
"That's terrible", said the patient. "How can the news possibly be worse?"
The doctor replies, "I've been trying to contact you since yesterday."

A Chinese guy goes to the local store.

he says to the store owner at the counter:
"文字翻譯，網頁和文件谷歌 - 隱私政策 - 幫助 店主看他
輸入文字或網址的網頁或上傳文件 Coca Cola!"

the store owner looks at him and says "now let me get this straight... you want a big bottle of what??"

Written by Valentin B on 30.11.2009 at 15:51

A Chinese guy goes to the local store.

he says to the store owner at the counter:
"文字翻譯，網頁和文件谷歌 - 隱私政策 - 幫助 店主看他
輸入文字或網址的網頁或上傳文件 Coca Cola!"

the store owner looks at him and says "now let me get this straight... you want a big bottle of what??"

You know what that means?

"Text translate, Google web pages and documents, privacy policy, helps the owner to view the inserted text or address or uploaded files COCA COLA!"

It's in traditional Chinese characters the text you wrote : )

A law in florida:
It is considered an offense to shower naked.

Written by Ernis on 01.12.2009 at 00:58

Written by Valentin B on 30.11.2009 at 15:51

A Chinese guy goes to the local store.

he says to the store owner at the counter:
"文字翻譯，網頁和文件谷歌 - 隱私政策 - 幫助 店主看他
輸入文字或網址的網頁或上傳文件 Coca Cola!"

the store owner looks at him and says "now let me get this straight... you want a big bottle of what??"

You know what that means?

"Text translate, Google web pages and documents, privacy policy, helps the owner to view the inserted text or address or uploaded files COCA COLA!"

It's in traditional Chinese characters the text you wrote : )

i know what that means i translated it in google translate, i just needed a series of random words to become the "ching chong" stuff that the chinese guy mumbles

The joke worked for me

Apple announced today that it has developed a breast implant that can store and play music. The iTit will cost from $499 to $699, depending on cup and speaker size. This is considered a major social breakthrough, because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

Lmao.... Ellrohir, you have to make a patent for that idea.

If it was originally my idea, i would consider that .)

The two-humped camel and the elephant meet up for a few drinks.

after a while, the elephant says "WTF is wrong with you, your tits are on your back!"

the camel replies "you're the one to talk? your cock is on your face!"

So there's this plane. at a certain point the pilot says "ladies and gentlemen we've reached cruising altitude, you may now unbuckle your seat belts and our flight attendants will serve you food and beverages if you wish, we will be experiencing a safe flight and AAARRHH HOLY SHIT!!!" the transmission cuts off and the plane veers sharply towards the left, passengers are screaming in terror.
after half a minute the plane gets back on its original trail and the pilot says "sorry about that ladies and gentlemen, i seem to have spilled my coffee and my pants are all brown."
to which a passenger says: "well, now my pants are brown too, but it's not because of coffee you fucking asshole!!"

It's really nice!

Q: What's got 8 arms, but still can't play bass shit?
A: Squid Vicious...

If the opposite of pro is con, then the opposite of progress is congress.

A man in his twenties is at a bar and starts a conversation with a lady in her upper 50's!
They are getting along very well, and she is quite stunning for a woman of her age.
After some time talking, touching, kissing... she asks him...
"Have you ever had sex with a mother AND her daughter at the same time?"
"NO!" he states quite enthusiastically! He is quite interested in this possibility!
She invites him back to her house...
At her front door he can hardly contain himself, and as they walk in the house, the woman shouts...
"MA! YOU STILL AWAKE?!?!"

A dude attends a very posh banquet, sits at the table and then black caviare is served. The dude takes the entire bowl and starts eating it with a large spoon. People are shocked and then one of the guests says: "You know... you know, it ain't cereal or anything like that!"

The dude answers: "I agree completely... it surely cannot even be compared to cereal."

Written by Don Martin on 29.03.2010 at 22:55

Q: What's got 8 arms, but still can't play bass shit?
A: Squid Vicious...

hahahahahaha

Written by I_Die_Often on 30.03.2010 at 00:39

A man in his twenties is at a bar and starts a conversation with a lady in her upper 50's!
They are getting along very well, and she is quite stunning for a woman of her age.
After some time talking, touching, kissing... she asks him...
"Have you ever had sex with a mother AND her daughter at the same time?"
"NO!" he states quite enthusiastically! He is quite interested in this possibility!
She invites him back to her house...
At her front door he can hardly contain himself, and as they walk in the house, the woman shouts...
"MA! YOU STILL AWAKE?!?!"

haha :b

Written by Entropic Silence on 01.09.2009 at 09:20

This one's a bit intellectual:

There was an explosion at the pie factory.
3.1415965 ppl died.

neh heh... pie...