I think it's somewhat old, but recently heard this one:

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel sticking out of his crotch.
The bartender says "did you know you have a steering wheel sticking out of your croch?"
The pirate responds "Arrr. It's driven me nuts"

And had a courage to translate this one, from russian bash. (bash.org.ru)

She: please anwser me honestly, yes or no, ok?
He: shoot
She: why are men laughin at blondes?
He: Yes.

Written by Eight on 04.04.2010 at 12:32

I think it's somewhat old, but recently heard this one:

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel sticking out of his crotch.
The bartender says "did you know you have a steering wheel sticking out of your croch?"
The pirate responds "Arrr. It's driven me nuts"

HAHAHA

A dude wishes to buy a brassiere for his wife.
"What size does your wife wear?" asks the shop assistant.
"I don't know?"
"Well, what size are her breasts? Like melons?"
"No."
"Maybe like apples then?"
"They aren't."
"Like eggs?"
"Yes! Exactly... like fried eggs."

A dude catches a golden fish. The fish says "Please let me go!".
"All right, I will. But only if you promise me I'll have a dick as big as that horse there on the field."
The fish makes the wish come true. The dude is proud and checks what's in his trousers... but...

The horse on the field was actually female...

Red Riding Hood is walking alone in the forest in the middle of the night. The wolf sees her and asks: "Little Red Riding Hood, aren't you afraid of walking through the forest all alone at that hour?"
The girl answers: "Why? I have no money. And I like to have sex."

Cinderella cries. The Fairy godmother asks her why she is crying.
"Because I have no tampon."
"Here, take it." The Fairy godmother gives the girl a golden tampon.
-------------------
Cinderella cries again after the party. The Fairy godmother asks her why she is crying.
"Why didn't you tell me the tampon was going to turn into a pumpkin at midnight?!"

A drug addict is participating in "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?"
He answers the first question but does not know the answer for the second. So he uses the opportunity to call a friend.
"Hey! Is it possible to get a dosage for 100 box?"
"Yes."
"All right, I'm taking the money."

Written by Ernis on 07.04.2010 at 21:42

A drug addict is participating in "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?"
He answers the first question but does not know the answer for the second. So he uses the opportunity to call a friend.
"Hey! Is it possible to get a dosage for 100 box?"
"Yes."
"All right, I'm taking the money."

This was awesome.

Written by AiwiAstwihad on 07.04.2010 at 22:34

Written by Ernis on 07.04.2010 at 21:42

A drug addict is participating in "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?"
He answers the first question but does not know the answer for the second. So he uses the opportunity to call a friend.
"Hey! Is it possible to get a dosage for 100 box?"
"Yes."
"All right, I'm taking the money."

This was awesome.

Haha, great one indeed

One of my Russian employees told me this one too...

Man goes to see doctor for physical.
Doctor comes back with results and says "Your blood is 99% alcohol!"
Man says "NO! how can this be!?!" and thinks for a second and says...
"AH! I know! Because I put ice in with my vodka!"

Written by I_Die_Often on 10.04.2010 at 16:53

One of my Russian employees told me this one too...

Man goes to see doctor for physical.
Doctor comes back with results and says "Your blood is 99% alcohol!"
Man says "NO! how can this be!?!" and thinks for a second and says...
"AH! I know! Because I put ice in with my vodka!"

Not bad

Some black humor

How many babies does it take to cover the roof of a building?
Depends on how thin do you slice them.

Some guys walks into a brothel and asks for a woman in late pregnancy. So he walks into a room, puts his hand into her pus, and starts to spin it. So, she gives him a weird look and asks: what are you doing, this is not how it's done?
And he says: I'm just adjusting the baby's ass...

Two cannibals, father and son, spot a beautiful naked young women. So the son asks: what are we going to do with her? Are we gonna kill her, bake her, and bring her home to mom?
And the father replies: no son, we are gonna kill and bake your mom, and bring THIS one home.

What is ONE question you must never ask a cannibal?
What's for dinner?

Written by Bitter Dawn on 28.09.2009 at 12:01

I don't think I've participated in this thread yet, and hopefully no one's heard this one before but it's my favourite joke... my wife told me this one!

How do you make a five year old girl cry twice?


You wipe your bloody dick on her teddy bear!!

I know this one

A classic

Written by Kennoth on 18.04.2010 at 03:30

Written by Bitter Dawn on 28.09.2009 at 12:01

I don't think I've participated in this thread yet, and hopefully no one's heard this one before but it's my favourite joke... my wife told me this one!

How do you make a five year old girl cry twice?


You wipe your bloody dick on her teddy bear!!

I know this one

A classic

Ha, sweet.

I've another along similar vain. What's the best thing about fucking a ten year old Filipino girl? Turn her around and she's a ten year old Filipino boy.

Ah, I need to learn some new jokes.

Written by Bitter Dawn on 18.04.2010 at 11:38

Written by Kennoth on 18.04.2010 at 03:30

Written by Bitter Dawn on 28.09.2009 at 12:01

I don't think I've participated in this thread yet, and hopefully no one's heard this one before but it's my favourite joke... my wife told me this one!

How do you make a five year old girl cry twice?


You wipe your bloody dick on her teddy bear!!

I know this one

A classic

Ha, sweet.

I've another along similar vain. What's the best thing about fucking a ten year old Filipino girl? Turn her around and she's a ten year old Filipino boy.

Ah, I need to learn some new jokes.

Yeah me too. Speaking of which, I know quite a few Nazi jokes

In Auschwitz, Hitler was checking up the line of Jews ready for execution, when suddenly, a little girl pull his sleeve.
So the little girl asks in a gentle voice: Mr. Hitler, could you please let me live a bit longer?
So the Hitler thinks for a moment, and replies:
Well...alright, you can go to the end of the line....

One day, Hitler says to all the prisoners in Auschwitz:
Alright people, you're rolling a dice, anyone that gets numbers from 1-5 gets shot
Then someone from the crowd asks: and what if we get the number 6?
To which Hitler replies: You roll again....

One day, yet again in the Auschwitz camp, Hitler talks to his prisoners:
We are having a competition, anyone that can jump 2 meters in height using a stick will be freed, the rest will be shot.
So naturally, many inmates signed in. So, one jumps a meter in height, and hitler shoots him. The other gets very close, but not enough, and gets shot. So, the third Jew stops for a moment, then takes a large leap of over 3 meters.
Having seen this, Hitler says: Hans, shoot this one, he can jump through the prison wall...

Written by Kennoth on 18.04.2010 at 14:51

Written by Bitter Dawn on 18.04.2010 at 11:38

Written by Kennoth on 18.04.2010 at 03:30

Written by Bitter Dawn on 28.09.2009 at 12:01

I don't think I've participated in this thread yet, and hopefully no one's heard this one before but it's my favourite joke... my wife told me this one!

How do you make a five year old girl cry twice?


You wipe your bloody dick on her teddy bear!!

I know this one

A classic

Ha, sweet.

I've another along similar vain. What's the best thing about fucking a ten year old Filipino girl? Turn her around and she's a ten year old Filipino boy.

Ah, I need to learn some new jokes.

Yeah me too. Speaking of which, I know quite a few Nazi jokes

In Auschwitz, Hitler was checking up the line of Jews ready for execution, when suddenly, a little girl pull his sleeve.
So the little girl asks in a gentle voice: Mr. Hitler, could you please let me live a bit longer?
So the Hitler thinks for a moment, and replies:
Well...alright, you can go to the end of the line....

One day, Hitler says to all the prisoners in Auschwitz:
Alright people, you're rolling a dice, anyone that gets numbers from 1-5 gets shot
Then someone from the crowd asks: and what if we get the number 6?
To which Hitler replies: You roll again....

One day, yet again in the Auschwitz camp, Hitler talks to his prisoners:
We are having a competition, anyone that can jump 2 meters in height using a stick will be freed, the rest will be shot.
So naturally, many inmates signed in. So, one jumps a meter in height, and hitler shoots him. The other gets very close, but not enough, and gets shot. So, the third Jew stops for a moment, then takes a large leap of over 3 meters.
Having seen this, Hitler says: Hans, shoot this one, he can jump through the prison wall...

Haha, nice. Gotta love the Jew jokes too!

....There was a minor car accident in Mexico recently. 50,000 died.

A ship wrecked on an island and only six people survived: five men and a woman.
Two weeks later, the woman committed suicide because she was disgusted with what they were doing.
Two weeks later than that, the men buried her corpse because they were disgusted with what they were doing.
Two weeks later than that, the men dug her up from the grave because they were disgusted with what they were doing.

Written by Graveheart on 21.04.2010 at 18:11

A ship wrecked on an island and only six people survived: five men and a woman.
Two weeks later, the woman committed suicide because she was disgusted with what they were doing.
Two weeks later than that, the men buried her corpse because they were disgusted with what they were doing.
Two weeks later than that, the men dug her up from the grave because they were disgusted with what they were doing.

Haha, great one

The Metal Olympic Games are held. musicians and vocalists from all over the metal world come to participate in the games. in one of the sports, the contestants must find a male peacock in a room full of female peacocks that look exactly the same.

Yngwie Malmsteen comes round, and plays an ecstatic neoclassical shredding guitar solo hoping to attract the male peacock. after half an hour of furious soloing he gives up.

John Petrucci shows up and threatens to play 1.000.000.000 notes per second, demanding the male peacock to show himself. after getting only up to 1.428 notes per second and not being able to get any faster, he leaves disgruntled by his utter failure.

Jari Maenpaa shows up and enters the room. 10 seconds later he comes out with the male peacock. stunned by his extremely fast success, everyone asks him how he did it. to which he replies: "well, i entered the room and shouted <i'm Jari Maenpaa from Wintersun and i'm gonna release Time next month!>, at which one peacock replied: <suck my fucking dick you lying bastard!>".

Jokes about Wintersun's Time rule, no matter how bad they are. I love the band just because it's getting so ridiculous.

Written by Lucas on 21.04.2010 at 20:01

Jokes about Wintersun's Time rule, no matter how bad they are. I love the band just because it's getting so ridiculous.

haha did it sound cheesy? it's originally about our bullshit president but i thought i could make it about metal.

Written by SerratedSyringe on 21.04.2010 at 17:28

....There was a minor car accident in Mexico recently. 50,000 died.

I dont get it, i know that most mexican drive really bad, but why 50k?

I found trhis amusing... Economic humor:

"Apparently it was the dying wish of the Icelandic economy to have its ashes spread across Europe."

Written by Fhuesc on 22.04.2010 at 06:22

Written by SerratedSyringe on 21.04.2010 at 17:28

....There was a minor car accident in Mexico recently. 50,000 died.

I dont get it, i know that most mexican drive really bad, but why 50k?

Where I live there is a stereotype about Mexicans cramming large amounts of workers into one vehicle. The joke has nothing to do with poor driving.

Written by Bitter Dawn on 19.04.2010 at 00:08

Haha, nice. Gotta love the Jew jokes too!

How many Jews can you fit in a standard sedan? 10,000,005: 2 in the front, 3 in the back, and 10,000,000 in the ash tray.

What do you say to a black Jew? Go to the back of the oven.

Written by SerratedSyringe on 22.04.2010 at 19:08

Written by Bitter Dawn on 19.04.2010 at 00:08

Haha, nice. Gotta love the Jew jokes too!

How many Jews can you fit in a standard sedan? 10,000,005: 2 in the front, 3 in the back, and 10,000,000 in the ash tray.

What do you say to a black Jew? Go to the back of the oven.

I was just gonna post the jews and the astray joke

How do you call a black priest?
Holy shit

What's the only thing white on black people?
Their master.

What is the status of the black man in court?
Well, guilty of course.

One day, a black guy was fishing, and he caught a goldenfish.
So naturally, fish said: let me go, and I'll grant you a wish?
So the black guy responds: just a wish? You grant other people three wishes. Why can't I have more than one?
Because you're a fucking nigger!

Written by Kennoth on 22.04.2010 at 21:16

Written by SerratedSyringe on 22.04.2010 at 19:08

Written by Bitter Dawn on 19.04.2010 at 00:08

Haha, nice. Gotta love the Jew jokes too!

How many Jews can you fit in a standard sedan? 10,000,005: 2 in the front, 3 in the back, and 10,000,000 in the ash tray.

What do you say to a black Jew? Go to the back of the oven.

I was just gonna post the jews and the astray joke

How do you call a black priest?
Holy shit

What's the only thing white on black people?
Their master.

What is the status of the black man in court?
Well, guilty of course.

One day, a black guy was fishing, and he caught a goldenfish.
So naturally, fish said: let me go, and I'll grant you a wish?
So the black guy responds: just a wish? You grant other people three wishes. Why can't I have more than one?
Because you're a fucking nigger!

A black man and a hispanic man are in a car. Who's driving? The cop.

Written by SerratedSyringe on 23.04.2010 at 00:12

Written by Kennoth on 22.04.2010 at 21:16

Written by SerratedSyringe on 22.04.2010 at 19:08

Written by Bitter Dawn on 19.04.2010 at 00:08

Haha, nice. Gotta love the Jew jokes too!

How many Jews can you fit in a standard sedan? 10,000,005: 2 in the front, 3 in the back, and 10,000,000 in the ash tray.

What do you say to a black Jew? Go to the back of the oven.

I was just gonna post the jews and the astray joke

How do you call a black priest?
Holy shit

What's the only thing white on black people?
Their master.

What is the status of the black man in court?
Well, guilty of course.

One day, a black guy was fishing, and he caught a goldenfish.
So naturally, fish said: let me go, and I'll grant you a wish?
So the black guy responds: just a wish? You grant other people three wishes. Why can't I have more than one?
Because you're a fucking nigger!

A black man and a hispanic man are in a car. Who's driving? The cop.

sorry to be the party pooper here but these Holocaust jokes and these rasist jokes are just not funny; maybe i'm taking things too seriously.

My Needs

A husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up.

The wife then stops and says, "I don' t feel like it. I just want you to hold me."

The husband says "WHAT???" The wife explains that he must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a woman.

The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it.

The next day, the husband takes her shopping at a big dept. store. He walks around and has her try on three very expensive outfits. He then tells his wife, "We'll take all three of them." He also goes over and gets matching shoes for the outfits worth $200 each.

They then go to the jewelry dept. and get a set of diamond earrings. The wife is so excited (she thinks her husband has flipped out, but she does not care). She also goes for the tennis bracelet.

The husband says "You don't even play tennis! But OK, if you like it then lets get it."

The wife is jumping up and down- so excited she cannot even believe what is going on. She says "I am ready to go, lets checkout at the cash register."

The husband says, " no no no, honey we're not going to buy all this stuff." The wife's face goes blank.

"No honey - I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while."

Her face gets really red; she is about to explode and then the husband says "You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a MAN!"

Haha, yes I am familiar with the jew and ashtray joke, though I had heard it as them fitting into a VW

Black jokes are pretty amusing as well. I actually work with a fellow who is half black, half white and he's cool with making jokes at black peoples expense.

But, does any one know any white people jokes?? I've yet to hear any that are other than the typical black comedian comparing stereotypes. Surely there must be some funny white jokes..no?

Written by Bitter Dawn on 23.04.2010 at 00:41

But, does any one know any white people jokes?? I've yet to hear any that are other than the typical black comedian comparing stereotypes. Surely there must be some funny white jokes..no?

There are plenty of redneck jokes, but for white people in general:


Q: What do you call a bunch of white guys sitting on a bench?
A: The NBA

Q: What does a white woman make for dinner?
A: Reservations.

Q: What do you call 500,000 white guys jumping out of a plane?
A: Snow.

Q: What do you call a white woman with a yeast infection?
A: Cracker with cheese.

Q: What's white and fourteen inches long?
A: Absolutely nothing!

Q: Why do so many white people get lost skiing?
A: It's hard to find them in the snow.

Quote:
A seventy-five year old White guy, his hair was completely white, marries a twenty-two year old girl, and she gets pregnant.

Nine months later, he walks into the Maternity Ward. He says to the nurse, "Well, how'd I do?"

The nurse says: "She had twins."

He says, "Heh, heh, heh...well, I guess that goes to show, that even if there's snow on the roof, there can still be fire in the furnace."

She says, "Well, then you'd better change filters. Both of the babies are black."

Quote:
A black boy is playing in the kitchen and he covers himself in flour. He goes up to his mother and says "Mummy, look at me ! I'm not a little black boy anymore I'm a little white boy!"

WHACK ! His mum slaps him around the head, "Go and tell your Father what you just said !"

So the little black boy, complete with sore cheek walks into the living room and says to his Father "Daddy look at me ! I'm not a little black boy any more I'm a little white boy!"

WHACK ! His father kicks him in the balls, "Go and tell your Gran what you just said !"

So the little black boy hobbles into the garden and says to his Gran "Granny look at me ! I'm not a little black boy any more I'm a little white boy!"

WHACK ! His gran punches him in the nose and asks him what he has to say for himself.

Standing there with blood pouring down his face, clutching his balls he says "I've only been a white boy for 5 minutes and already I hate niggers!"

Q: Why cant white men jump?
A: They were too busy making racist jokes.

Written by Introspekrieg on 23.04.2010 at 00:45

Written by Bitter Dawn on 23.04.2010 at 00:41

But, does any one know any white people jokes?? I've yet to hear any that are other than the typical black comedian comparing stereotypes. Surely there must be some funny white jokes..no?

There are plenty of redneck jokes, but for white people in general:


Q: What do you call a bunch of white guys sitting on a bench?
A: The NBA

Q: What does a white woman make for dinner?
A: Reservations.

Q: What do you call 500,000 white guys jumping out of a plane?
A: Snow.

Q: What do you call a white woman with a yeast infection?
A: Cracker with cheese.

Quote:
A seventy-five year old White guy, his hair was completely white, marries a twenty-two year old girl, and she gets pregnant.

Nine months later, he walks into the Maternity Ward. He says to the nurse, "Well, how'd I do?"

The nurse says: "She had twins."

He says, "Heh, heh, heh...well, I guess that goes to show, that even if there's snow on the roof, there can still be fire in the furnace."

She says, "Well, then you'd better change filters. Both of the babies are black."

Q: Why cant white men jump?
A: They were too busy making racist jokes.

lol not bad, not bad.

God speaks with a whore: "You have sinned so much. Do you not regret at all?!"
The whore answers: "Never!"
God says: "You know, you will drown one day."
The whore thinks... she starts avoiding water. She is sure that if she avoids deep water and sea and ships then she would be all right. One day she decides to go on a cruise ship. "Come on! God cannot drown me. He won't sink an entire huge cruise ship sacrificing hundreds of innocent people just to drown one whore."
So she goes on the cruise ship.
On the ship God appears and says: "Now your fate has arrived, you will drown."
"No! You can't do that! Will you really let all the hundreds of passengers go down with this ship just because of me?!"
"You don't get it. Can you imagine how many time and organising it took me to get all of you whores on the same cruise ship?"

What do you say when you see your TV floating in the middle of the night?










FREEZE NIGGA!