Written by Ernis on 25.04.2010 at 21:57

God speaks with a whore: "You have sinned so much. Do you not regret at all?!"
The whore answers: "Never!"
God says: "You know, you will drown one day."
The whore thinks... she starts avoiding water. She is sure that if she avoids deep water and sea and ships then she would be all right. One day she decides to go on a cruise ship. "Come on! God cannot drown me. He won't sink an entire huge cruise ship sacrificing hundreds of innocent people just to drown one whore."
So she goes on the cruise ship.
On the ship God appears and says: "Now your fate has arrived, you will drown."
"No! You can't do that! Will you really let all the hundreds of passengers go down with this ship just because of me?!"
"You don't get it. Can you imagine how many time and organising it took me to get all of you whores on the same cruise ship?"

HAHA

@doctor nice one as well

Written by [user id=17278] on 23.04.2010 at 00:28

Written by SerratedSyringe on 23.04.2010 at 00:12

Written by Kennoth on 22.04.2010 at 21:16

Written by SerratedSyringe on 22.04.2010 at 19:08

Written by Bitter Dawn on 19.04.2010 at 00:08

Haha, nice. Gotta love the Jew jokes too!

How many Jews can you fit in a standard sedan? 10,000,005: 2 in the front, 3 in the back, and 10,000,000 in the ash tray.

What do you say to a black Jew? Go to the back of the oven.

I was just gonna post the jews and the astray joke

How do you call a black priest?
Holy shit

What's the only thing white on black people?
Their master.

What is the status of the black man in court?
Well, guilty of course.

One day, a black guy was fishing, and he caught a goldenfish.
So naturally, fish said: let me go, and I'll grant you a wish?
So the black guy responds: just a wish? You grant other people three wishes. Why can't I have more than one?
Because you're a fucking nigger!

A black man and a hispanic man are in a car. Who's driving? The cop.

sorry to be the party pooper here but these Holocaust jokes and these rasist jokes are just not funny; maybe i'm taking things too seriously.

Didn't anyone tell you? This site is only for racists and Nazis.

You are taking things too seriously...

but you should be aware in nowadays world - i have read about a case from Australia - a guy was in public with his black friend (very close and good friend) and he told to him something like "you should run away, cops ahead" or something...friend obviously had no problem with that, but some local authority heard that (it was on some office or where) and the guy was accused from racism...before the court took place, he committed suicide...his black friend was at the funeral...

Written by Ellrohir on 27.04.2010 at 23:09

You are taking things too seriously...

but you should be aware in nowadays world - i have read about a case from Australia - a guy was in public with his black friend (very close and good friend) and he told to him something like "you should run away, cops ahead" or something...friend obviously had no problem with that, but some local authority heard that (it was on some office or where) and the guy was accused from racism...before the court took place, he committed suicide...his black friend was at the funeral...

The most uptight people about it sometimes are the most racist, pc reverse racism. Me and my friends of different races joke all the time making fun of each other, because we acknowledge what makes each of us unique. Some people seem to be scared to death of offending the weird, exotic people... pssh. We're all the same, everyone can enjoy a laugh in bad taste or at someone else's expense... it's what makes us human.

Unfortunately, "in the name of humanity" we are slowly forgetting what does it mean to be a human...but this isnt discussion to this topic anymore

Open up a new thread on the subject if you care, but let's not discuss that here.

Also, please slow down on the racist/anti-jew jokes. I do not want to start moderating this thread, so please, don't let this get out of control. Other subjects are funny too.

How about dead babies, are these ok?

Whats the difference between a pile of dead babies and a Lamborghini?
I don't have a Lamborghini in my garage!

Got tolove absolutely disturbing jokes. Check these out:

How doyou get a baby to stop crawling in circles?
Nail its other hand to the floor!

What do you call a leper in a bathtub?
Soup

How do you get a baby to cry twice?
Wipe the blood from your penis on its teddy bear.

Written by Kennoth on 28.04.2010 at 00:22

How about dead babies, are these ok?

Ok?!....They're delicious!

Written by I_Die_Often on 28.04.2010 at 03:02

Whats the difference between a pile of dead babies and a Lamborghini?
I don't have a Lamborghini in my garage!

Pfff... Hey dude, what's the difference between a dead baby and a rock?














You can't have sex with the rock.

A white joke that was missed earlier.
My girlfriend liked this joke... and she ain't white.
- How many white girls does it take to screw in a light bulb?
- None! White girls don't screw!

Another one about lepors - what do you call a lepor in a sleeping bag - a burrito

My girlfriend sent me this one...

SPANISH Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la Casa.'
'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.'

A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?'

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether computer should be a masculine or a feminine noun.. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the feminine gender ('la computadora'), because:

1... No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

2 The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

(THIS GETS BETTER!)

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ('el computador'), because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;

2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and

4.. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

The women won.

What's black, white and red all over?

-A mixed baby with a chainsaw.

Written by I_Die_Often on 28.04.2010 at 19:41

The women won.

Actually computer in Spanish is LA computadora... (tho EL computador is also accepted) and a synonym is EL ordenador...

How would parents punish Stevie Wonder when he was a kid?
They'd rearrange the furniture in the house

Stevie Wonder hit a biker with his car. He swears he didn't see him.

Did you see Stevie Wonders mother? Neither did he.

A man went to see a doctor and started yelling at him: "CAN YOU HELP ME, DOC? I CAN'T SPEAK WITH A NORMAL VOICE ANYMORE! WHENEVER I SAY SOMETHING IT COMES OUT VERY LOUD!" So the doctor examined him and said: "It's because your penis is too big. We need to reduce the size in half and your voice will have a normal volume." "IS THERE ANY OTHER WAY?" "No, I'm afraid there isn't." So the patient had no other choice than to agree to take the surgery. The operation was successful.

Two months passed and the patient went to see the same doctor again. This time he said: "You see, it turned out my wife wasn't very happy with my surgery after all so I wondered if it's possible to reverse it? Did you keep the missing piece?"

"I'VE THROWN IT AWAY!"

No light in lift. A young girl steps into the dark lift. One floor higher a man steps into the lift. They get stuck in the elevator. The dude says: "Shall we have sex?" The girl says "Why not."
"How bout a blowjob?"
"Why not."
"Shall we smoke?"
"Why not."
Suddenly the lights go on...
"DAD?! IT'S YOU!!!"
"JESSICA?! IT'S YOU!! YOU'RE SMOKING!!!"

Written by Ernis on 28.04.2010 at 22:38

Written by I_Die_Often on 28.04.2010 at 19:41

The women won.

Actually computer in Spanish is LA computadora... (tho EL computador is also accepted) and a synonym is EL ordenador...

Oh Really? Because I swear I've heard El computador my entire life, even in the TV. La Computadora seems to be from Spain though. I believe that both are equally true as many people use both, that's why that joke is so used.

Written by X-Ray Rod on 30.04.2010 at 23:46

Written by Ernis on 28.04.2010 at 22:38

Written by I_Die_Often on 28.04.2010 at 19:41

The women won.

Actually computer in Spanish is LA computadora... (tho EL computador is also accepted) and a synonym is EL ordenador...

Oh Really? Because I swear I've heard El computador my entire life, even in the TV. La Computadora seems to be from Spain though. I believe that both are equally true as many people use both, that's why that joke is so used.

Dictionary gives La computadora first... and the grammar book also gives la computadora and el ordenador... It may indeed be Spanish standard...

Written by Ernis on 30.04.2010 at 23:53

Dictionary gives La computadora first... and the grammar book also gives la computadora and el ordenador... It may indeed be Spanish standard...

It might be as well the fact that South america has it's own spanish and that almost everybody if not all of the people in europe learn spanish from Spain... And imo, that spanish sucks so bad.

Written by X-Ray Rod on 30.04.2010 at 23:56

Written by Ernis on 30.04.2010 at 23:53

Dictionary gives La computadora first... and the grammar book also gives la computadora and el ordenador... It may indeed be Spanish standard...

It might be as well the fact that South america has it's own spanish and that almost everybody if not all of the people in europe learn spanish from Spain... And imo, that spanish sucks so bad.

Agree, it's just so bad and weird. Here in Mexico El computador was accepted like 15 years ago, now nobody says it that way, also nobody uses El ordenardor

Jeez. I mean, who cares about the gender of computer in Spanish? Jokes, people, jokes.

Written by Kennoth on 05.05.2010 at 23:03

Jeez. I mean, who cares about the gender of computer in Spanish? Jokes, people, jokes.

SERIOUSLY! the fact that this has turned into a discussion about proper grammar is funnier than some of the jokes!!!
Now lets discuss how the ethnic jokes should be re-written politically correct!

1 I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I
stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
2 Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and
beat you with experience.
3 I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not
screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
4 The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.
5 Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.
6 Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole
relationship.
7 We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.
8 Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner,
you'd better have a good hand.
9 We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
10 Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an
erection, make him a sandwich.
11 Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear
bright until you hear them speak.
12 War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
13 If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.
14 The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the
cheese.
15 Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be
changed regularly, and for the same reason.
16 Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to
walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down
and shut-up.
17 If sex is a pain in the ass, then you're doing it wrong?
18 Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in
a fruit salad.
19 Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then
proceed to tell you why it isn't.
20 A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train
stops. On my desk, I have a work station..
21 My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.
22 I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian
23 If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of
payments.
24 I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
25 If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.
26 Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and
remove all doubt.
27 If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea? does that mean that one
enjoys it?
28 Some people are like Slinkies ? not really good for anything, but you
can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
29 How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a
whole box to start a campfire?
30 Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of
captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool
and throw them fish?
31 A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you
don't need it.
32 Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing
in a garage makes you a car.
33 Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative
on the same night.
34 To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is
research.
35 A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick
boxing.
36 I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it?so I said
"Implants?"
37 Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion
stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
38 A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
39 The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
40 Good girls are bad girls that never get caught.
41 Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street
with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
42 Laugh at your problems, everybody else does.
43 The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
44 Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an
emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR". What's my mother going to do?
45 He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.
46 The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the
bad girls live.
47 I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
48 Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
49 God must love stupid people. He made SO many.
50 Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a
successful man is usually another woman.
51 The sole purpose of a child's middle name, is so he can tell when
he's really in trouble.
52 Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.
53 Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.
54 Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.
55 My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
56 Some people say "If you can't beat them, join them". I say "If you
can't beat them, beat them", because they will be expecting you to join
them, so you will have the element of surprise.
57 Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
58 It's not the fall that kills you; it's the sudden stop at the end.
59 Crowded elevators smell different to midgets.
60 Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if
you wish they were.
61 You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to
skydive twice.
62 Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
63 I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured
by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.
64 A bargain is something you don't need at a price you can't resist.
65 My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second
opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.
66 I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
67 Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live
with.
68 A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way
that you will look forward to the trip.
69 We have enough gun control. What we need is idiot control.
70 You're never too old to learn something stupid.
71 I should've known it wasn't going to work out between my ex-wife and
me. After all, I'm a Libra and she's a bitch.
72 A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get
married?" Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."
73 With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine.
74 Women may not hit harder, but they hit lower.
75 Kn
owledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil.
76 There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they
can't get away.
77 I don't trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn't die.
78 Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never happen.
79 Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and
50 for Miss America?
80 I always take life with a grain of salt, ?plus a slice of lemon, ?and
a shot of tequila.
81 If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you!
82 I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
83 When in doubt, mumble.
84 I like work. It fascinates me. I sit and look at it for hours.
85 To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you
hit the target.
86 Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you're an asshole.
87 A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as
when you are in it.
88 A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a
computer.
89 Just remember?if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
90 I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm
going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He
said, "Oh, yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the
corners very well."
91 Some people hear voices.. Some see invisible people.. Others have no
imagination whatsoever.
92 You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together
and there was only one life jacket? I'd miss you heaps and think of you
often.
93 When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire
Department usually uses water.
94 Hallmark Card: "I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're
still here."
95 Virginity is like a soap bubble, one prick and it is gone.
96 Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
97 If winning isn't everything why do they keep score?
98 If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you'll have trouble
putting on your pants.
99 If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people
have more than one child.
100 Whoever coined the phrase "Quiet as a mouse" has never stepped on
one.

Haha, these are great

I'm telling #10 to my ex-girlfriend.

101. Nobody is perfect; I am nobody; I am perfect.

---

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

---

An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for his annual check-up. The doctor asks him how he's feeling. The 80-year-old says, "I've never felt better, I now have a 20-year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"

The doctor considers his question for a minute and then begins. "I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid trophy hunter and never misses a season. One day, when he was going out hunting, he was in a bit of a hurry and accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. When he got to the creek, he saw a prime beaver sitting beside the stream of water. He raised his cane and went 'bang, bang'. Suddenly, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. What do you think of that?"

The 80-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."

The doctor replied, "My point exactly."

Oh man... The second one was very good!

Written by Graveheart on 08.05.2010 at 20:20

101. Nobody is perfect; I am nobody; I am perfect.

I preffer the longer version:
Nobody is perfect; Only God is perfect; I'm nobody... I'm perfect... I'M GOD.

Written by X-Ray Rod on 08.05.2010 at 22:53

Oh man... The second one was very good!

Written by Graveheart on 08.05.2010 at 20:20

101. Nobody is perfect; I am nobody; I am perfect.

I preffer the longer version:
Nobody is perfect; Only God is perfect; I'm nobody... I'm perfect... I'M GOD.

Therefore you are Stevie Wonder