The Joke Thread (the sequel)

Written by Stalker on 25.08.2008 at 14:49

Written by Elio on 25.08.2008 at 13:42

Written by Valentin B on 25.08.2008 at 12:02

at heaven's gates, St. Peter hears a knock. he opens the door, but no-ones there. 2 minutes later, knock knock. St Peter opens the door quickly but nothing. 2 minutes later, he hears another knock, but this time he was ready and opens the door immediately and sees a guy standing there.

"what the hell are you doing here playing with my nerves??"
the guy disappears, saying "i can't help it man, these guys keep giving me CPR!"

what is CPR??

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cardiopulmonary_resuscitation

now it makes sense. thanks

A man walks through the forest, and after a while he stumbles upon a half-eaten boy. After a few hundred yards he sees a woman drowned in a pond. Not so far away he almost tripped over a dead man laying on the ground, his head in an awkward position. At the very same moment he hears someone crying. The man goes into the bushes and he sees a little girl crying.
"What happened? Why are you crying?"
"Booohohohohhhooooo, I was walking with my family through the forest and then a bear came out of the woods and ate my brother, we started running and my mom fell into a pond and drowned and my dad tripped and broke his neck..."
The man then started taking off his pants saying: "Well, my little girl, this ain't your lucky day!"



Three generations of prostitutes are talking, daughter, mom and grandmother.
Daughter says: "Damn, these days I can't get 20$ for a blowjob"
Mom answers: "That's nothing, in my days we were lucky to get 20 cents for a blowjob"
Granny: "That's nothing, my dears, in my days we were lucky to get something warm in the stomach"



"Mommy, mommy, daddy threw up on the table!"
"But why are you crying?"
"Sister's taking the biggest chunks!"



Vampire comes into the bakery and asks for 20 loaves of bread. The baker gives it to him and asks what does he need them for. Vampire says: "My girlfriend got her period so we're dipping the bread"

Yuuuummm.. Delicious xD Keep the jokes coming, always a joy to read them. Unfortunately I'm very bad at remembering jokes, so can't supply with anything. ;-/

Written by Kasper on 25.08.2008 at 15:54

Yuuuummm.. Delicious xD Keep the jokes coming, always a joy to read them. Unfortunately I'm very bad at remembering jokes, so can't supply with anything. ;-/

I'm not that good at translating them either. And you call this yummy? Oh dear

Written by Øyvind on 25.08.2008 at 15:59

Written by Kasper on 25.08.2008 at 15:54

Yuuuummm.. Delicious xD Keep the jokes coming, always a joy to read them. Unfortunately I'm very bad at remembering jokes, so can't supply with anything. ;-/

I'm not that good at translating them either. And you call this yummy? Oh dear

I'm not the best translator either, but anyway I'm trying.
Here are a few more.

Moses, Jesus and an old man are playing golf. Moses hits the golfball which falls into the pond. He walks there, divides the water of the pond and hits the golfball again which lands near the hole. Then comes Jesus, hits the golfball which lands on the surface of the pond. He walks there on the water and hits the golfball again which lands near the hole. Then comes the old man, but he is so clumsy that he hits the golfball in the totally different direction. The golfball falls on the rooftop of the clubhouse, rolls of the roof and falls on the grass, rolls under the bushes and finally lands in the pont on a water lily. A frog goes there and takes the golfball into its mouth when suddenly a stork catches the frog and flyes away. The frog panics and drops the ball which falls exactly into the hole. Moses then turns to Jesus and tells him:
- Did I tell you already that I hate to play golf with your father?


Why has a duck flat feet?
- So it can put out the fire in the forest.
Why has an elephan flat feet?
- So it can put out the burning ducks in the forest.

A cavemen ask his wife:
- Will you have sex with me?
- No.
- Why not?
- I don't want to.
The caveman hits his wife in the head with a club.
- Will you have sex with me now?
- No.
- Why not?
- I have a headache.

Jigoku this three were awesome

Written by Elio on 25.08.2008 at 16:51

Jigoku this three were awesome

Thanks!

A guy goes over to his friend's house, rings the bell, and the wife answers.

"Hi, is Hank home?" he asks.

"No, I'm sorry, he's out running some errands," she replies.

"Would you mind if I wait?" he asks.

"No, that would be fine. Come on in," she says.

They go into the kitchen, sit down, and the guy says, "You know, Laura, you have the most beautiful breasts I've ever seen. I'll give you a hundred bucks if I could just see one."

Laura thinks about it for a second and figures what the heck. She opens her robe and lets him see one. He promptly thanks her and throws a hundred bucks on the table.

They sit a while longer and Ben says, "They really are so beautiful. I just have to see both of them. I'll give you another hundred bucks if I could just see both of them together."

Laura thinks about it and figures what the heck. She opens her robe and gives Ben a nice long look. He thanks her, throws another hundred bucks on the table and says, "I really can't wait any longer. Please tell Hank I stopped by," and leaves.

A short while later, Hank arrives home and Laura greets him at the door. "Your friend Ben stopped by to see you," she says.

Hanks thinks for a moment and asks, "Did he happen to drop off the two hundred bucks he owes me?"

lol the one with the politics, the boobs and the caveman were real good

Damm... I can't quote all of them, But I have to say that the politics [I need to memorize this one], the man on the forest, the golf, the duck [personal favorite right now] and the boobs were just brilliant jajajaja

Congratulation, I'm finished for today

Written by [user id=27018] on 25.08.2008 at 14:49

I hope that these weren't already and that I translated them right. Sorry if there are any spelling mistakes, but I'm writing on a shitty keyboard.

The rabbit and the bear hate each other. One day the are walking around the forest and meet a little fairy. The fairy tells them that she'd grant both of them 3 wishes if the promise to be nice to each other. Both agree and the bear starts with his wish:
- I wish I had a BIIIIIG cock.
And the bear gets a huge cock. Bunnys turn.
- I wish I had the fastest car on earth which no one ever can catch.
And the bunny gets an amazing red car. Bears turn.
- I wish every female bear was in love with me.
And every female bear wanted him and only him. Bunnys turn.
- I wish that my car would never ever run out of fuel.
And bunnys car won't ever run out of fuel. Bears turn.
- I wish every bear in this world except me was female.
And every bear on the planet except him turned female. Bunnys turn.
- I wish that bear was gay. - and he jumped into the car and drove away.

The son asks his father:
- Dad, what is politics?
The father is thinking for a while and finally answers:
- You see son, I bring the money home so I'm the CAPITALISM. Your mother is taking care of the money, so she is the GOVERMENT. The babysitter is working for us so she's the WORKING CLASS. Your gradfather watches over everything so he is the LABOUR ORGANISATION. All of us are working that you, the FOLK, can have a good life. And your little brother is our FUTURE.
The son memorises everything and goes to bed. At night his little brother shits his diapers and cries. The boy goes to their mother and tries to tell her what happened but she's sleeping and won't wake up. So the boy goes to search for the babysitter and finds her having sex with his father while his grandfather is peeking through the keyhole. They didn't even realize that he is there so he decides to go back to sleep. The next day his dad asks him if he remebers what politics is. The boy thinks about last night, stays silent for a moment and then starts talking:
- Politics is when CAPITALISM is harnessing the WORKING CLASS, the LABOUR ORGANISTANION just stares at that passively, the GOVERMENT is sleeping deeply, no one cares about the FOLK and our FUTURE is in deep shit.

xD This is the best joke I'vew ever heard.(the 2nd) Could you please tell me this also in Hungarian?

School...
Teacher asks each children to construct a sentence where the word "wonderful" would appear twice.

Mary: "Last night daddy bought mommy a wonderful dress and mommy looked wonderful wearing it."
Pete: "My granny bakes wonderful cookies and I'm wonderful at eating them."
....
Bobby: "Yesterday at dinner table my sis told everyone that she was pregnant and my dad said "Wonderful, bitch, wonderful...""


"Who's screaming so loud out there at the neighbours'?"
"It's Katie."
"Is she giving birth or something?"
"No...she's getting pregnant..."

Q: Who is the biggest metal vocalist in the mushroom kingdom?

A: Alice Koopa

30 men and one woman were stranded on a deserted island. after 30 days, disgusted with what she was doing, the woman kills herself. after 30 days, disgusted with what they were doing, the men finally bury her. after 30 days, disgusted with what they were doing, they exhume her.

best joke i heard in a while!

[from 'what women want']: what's the difference between a job and a wife? after 10 years, a job can still suck

Hahaha!

Damn.. I didnät get the last one u.u

Written by X-Ray Rod on 01.09.2008 at 18:15

Damn.. I didnät get the last one u.u

what? you didn't get the one with the job? well, a job, even after 10 years, can still be boring/unrewarding etc. and so it can still suck, but a wife, after 10 years of marriage, she won't suck your...

Written by Valentin B on 01.09.2008 at 21:37

Written by X-Ray Rod on 01.09.2008 at 18:15

Damn.. I didnät get the last one u.u

what? you didn't get the one with the job? well, a job, even after 10 years, can still be boring/unrewarding etc. and so it can still suck, but a wife, after 10 years of marriage, she won't suck your...

LMAO.. sorry, maybe it was the fact that I translated the whole joke in my head, so it didn't had any sense in spanish jajaja.

why do blondes wear undies?

they keep their ankles warm

"Meredith, let us implement sexual act."
"I agree, Desmond, I am also being in a coital mood at the moment."
"Shall you be so kind and remove your garments."
"I shall. Shall you do the same, my friend."
"Meredith, your breast is in correct form."
"Desmond, your erection is powerful."
"Let us execute the 83rd position now. In that particular case the penetration will be able to reach the highest possible extent."
"Please be delicate to me."
"I will insert my male reproductive organ into your female reproductive counterpart organ system, Meredith."
"I am overwhelmed by the passion, Desmond. My body is blazing. Slightly higher, please if that is possible for you."
"I will now commence frictions."
"Shall you please enhance the amplitude, Desmond."
"Meredith, your breast is in correct form."
"I thank you, Desmond. Your frictions do not leave me indifferent."
"Continuing with the act."
"Desmond, I have now culminated."
"That is also what I have accomplished at the present moment, Meredith. Fairly stormy."
"Thank you."
"Thank you."


A young guy approaches and starts a conversation with a girl sitting on a park bench.
"Young lady, do you happen to smoke?"
"I do."
"Do you also consume ale?"
"I do."
"Now how to ask the following question in the most delicate way possible..."
"I do, I do, I do..."

Written by Ernis on 03.09.2008 at 19:16

"Meredith, let us implement sexual act."
"I agree, Desmond, I am also being in a coital mood at the moment."
"Shall you be so kind and remove your garments."
"I shall. Shall you do the same, my friend."
"Meredith, your breast is in correct form."
"Desmond, your erection is powerful."
"Let us execute the 83rd position now. In that particular case the penetration will be able to reach the highest possible extent."
"Please be delicate to me."
"I will insert my male reproductive organ into your female reproductive counterpart organ system, Meredith."
"I am overwhelmed by the passion, Desmond. My body is blazing. Slightly higher, please if that is possible for you."
"I will now commence frictions."
"Shall you please enhance the amplitude, Desmond."
"Meredith, your breast is in correct form."
"I thank you, Desmond. Your frictions do not leave me indifferent."
"Continuing with the act."
"Desmond, I have now culminated."
"That is also what I have accomplished at the present moment, Meredith. Fairly stormy."
"Thank you."
"Thank you."

hahaha, 18th century upper class sex huh? not that great as a joke, but for example a movie scene with that would be hilarious

Breaking the News is Worth a Beer

Steve, Bob, and Jeff were working on a very high scaffolding. Suddenly, Steve falls 50 feet to the ground below and he is killed instantly.
After the coroner leaves with Steve's body, Bob volunteers to inform Steve's wife of the terrible news. Some two hours later, Bob returns to the work site with a six-pack of beer under his arms.
"Say, Bob, where did you get the six-pack?"
"Steve's wife gave it to me!"
"What! You just told her that Steve died and she gave you a six-pack?"
"Well, before I broke the news to her, I asked her if she was Steve's widow. And, she said she wasn''t, so I said I''d bet her a six-pack she was!"


A Zoo Story

A guy found a sheep and showed him to a policeman.
The policeman said, "Take that sheep to the zoo, now."
Next day the policeman sees the man with the sheep again.
The policeman stops the guy and says, "What on earth are you doing with that sheep?"
The guy says, "What is there to do? Yesterday I took him to the zoo and now I''m taking him to the movies."

two guys go to the showers in their co-ed(guys and girls) dorm. one of them realizes they didn't bring the soap so he rushes back to his room, completely naked, to get it. he grabs the two bars of soap and heads down the corridor to the showers, but sees 3 blondes in the distance. he has nowhere to hide so he pretends he's a statue and stands completely still. the girls get near him. one of them asks:

"what's this?"

"hmm, i don't know, but what if i pull this handle over here?" and points at the guy's penis.

she yanks his penis and he drops a bar of soap.

"oooh, look! it's a soap machine!"

"i need one too, says another blonde"

so she yanks his penis harder than before and he drops the second bar.

"now it's my turn" says the third girl. she pulls and pulls and pulls, until finally:

"look girls, it has liquid soap too!!"

a guy on a dark street in Amsterdam approaches a hooker.

"hey there, will you have my company for 50$?"

the girl can't believe he's offering her that much.

"of course!"

the guy turns around and shouts:

"company, forward march!!"

When I was 14 my dream was to have a girlfriend. At the age of 16 I met a girl but there was no passion in our relationship. We broke up and I decided to search for a passionate girl in the future. I found one some years later. We had a very passionate relationship but at some point she became too sensitive. She started crying very often and made scandals over every little thing. She threatened to kill herself and finally I couldn't take it. After we broke up I decided that if I ever married I'd get married to a down-to-earth woman. Some years later I met one. She was very serious and down-to-earth and never doubted in anything. But unfortunately after some time our relationship started to deteriorate because life with her became unbearably boring. She was so predictable and so cold and soon it was over. I decided to search for an original girl.
So I met an original alternative girl. She was so alternative and independent. But soon afterwards it became awful. Her moods were varying from one extremity to another. One day she was one personality, another day she already pretended to be someone else. She could make my life either awfully happy or depressingly miserable. She was hyper energetic but didn't have any goals in life at all.
I decided to marry an ambitious woman who had high goals in her life. I eventually did marry an intelligent, wise and highly ambitious woman who was much more successful in every aspect of life than me. After an year she decided to leave me, get a divorce and rob me of all my money.
Now I have learnt it all and have become wiser. I will only marry a girl with beautiful face and nice pair of breasts.


Atelier of Original Design.
"Hello, would you please design me a roll of toilet paper with the photographs of my....mother-in-law?"
"For sure, Bobby, we'll do it fast with best quality!"
"How do you know my name?"
"We've seen your photos. Your mother-in-law visited us not very long time ago and ordered a pack of female hygiene pantyliners with the photos of her son-in-law Bob."


A guy goes to a bookstore.
"Do you have books?"
"We do."
"Good, I would like two."

(I want to apologize in advance for this horrible joke)

How did Jesus stay in shape?

He did his Pontius Pilates ever day.

@hrothgar


3 bats were hanging upside-down from a tree branch. suddenly one of them turns 180 degrees, so he's standing up now. one of the bats says to the one standing upright:

"hey Johnny!.. Johnny!"

at which the other upside down bat replies:

"it's no use man, he fainted AGAIN.."

@Hobbit: i didn't get the last one

@Valentin:

What's the difference between marmalade and jam?

You can't marmalade ur cock up ur girlfriends arse.