Washcloth
There was a little boy whose mother was about to have a baby. One day, the little boy walked in and saw his mother naked. He asked his mother what the hair between her legs was.

She responded, "It's my wash cloth."

Weeks later, after the mother had her baby, the young boy walked in on his mother again. While she was in the hospital, the doctor had shaved her pubic hair.

The boy asked, "What happened to your wash cloth?"

The mother responded, "I lost it."

The little boy, trying to be helpful, set out to find his mother's washcloth.

A few days later, he ran to his mother yelling and screaming, "I found your washcloth."

The mother, thinking that the child was just playing, went along with the boy and asked, "Where did you find it?"

The boy answered, "The maid has it! She is washing daddy's face with it."




WHY IT IS IMPORTANT TO UNDERSTAND ENGLISH!
I had a bunch of Canadian dollars I needed to exchange, so I went
to the currency exchange window at the local bank

Short line. Just one guy in front of me...an Asian guy who was trying
to exchange yen for dollars and he was a little irritated.

He asked the teller, "Why it change?? Yestoday, I get two hunat dolla
for yen. Today I get hunat eighty?? Why it change?"

The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations" .

The Asian guy says, "Fluc you white people too!"

So Cultured
A Greek and an Italian were drinking coffee one day discussing who had the superior culture.

Over triple lattes the Greek guy says, "Well, we have the Parthenon".

Arching his eyebrows the Italian replies, "We have the Coliseum."

The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics." The Italian, nodding in agreement, says, "But we built the Roman Empire."

And so on and so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion.

With a flourish of finality he says, "We invented sex!"

The Italian replies, "That is true, but it was the Italians who introduced it to women."




Filtered Whiskey
Irishmen Shawn and Pat, who were the best of friends, agreed that when one passed on, the other would spill the contents of a bottle of fine Irish whiskey over the grave of his recently departed friend. As fate would have it, Shawn would be the first to pass. Upon hearing of his friend's illness, Pat came to visit one last time. "Shawn, can you hear me?" asked Pat.

Faintly, Shawn replied, "Yes, Paddy, I can."

Bashfully, Pat started, "Do you remember our pact, Shawn?"

"Yes, I do, Paddy," Shawn strained.

"And you'll also remember that I was to pour the contents of a fine, old bottle of whiskey, which we have been saving for nearly 30 years now, over your grave," said Pat.

"Yes, Paddy, I do," whispered Shawn.

"It's a very 'old' bottle now, you know," urged Pat.

"And what are you gettin' at, Pat?" asked Shawn, briskly.

"Well, Shawn, when I pour the whiskey over your grave, would ya mind if I filter it through my kidneys first?

Written by +{Jonas}+ on 22.08.2008 at 07:13

Written by Valentin B on 21.08.2008 at 15:00

i knew something like: "in my scientific research, i have found that only complete idiots have no doubts." "are you sure?" "100% sure" lol



an arab prince had a 50 cm dick, but his wife thought it was too big, so he visits the local wise man and asks him what to do. he tells him to go to the forest and there he will find the Holy Virgin Squirrel, he has to ask her to have sex with him and every time she refuses his dick will magically get smaller by 10 cm. so he goes into the forest and finds the squirrel..
"Hello, i want to ask you, will you have sex with me?"
"NO!"
The Prince's dick shrinks by 10 cm.
"will you have sex with me?"
"Hell NO!"
The Prince's dick shrinks by 10 cm, and he only needs to ask the squirrel once more to get to optimal size.
"will you have sex with me?"
"NO, NO, NO!!!"

Ouch. XD

Well what if the squirrel would say NO, NO, NO, NO!!! The penis turned to cunt ?

OK, here are mine:

An arab wanted to go to his first date with a foreign girl, so he decided to wear a fashionable cloths. But he couldn't hide his dick because it was so long. ..
Finally he decided to tie his dick as a Tie. He went to his date, but as he saw the girl he choked because his dick was erected ...

at heaven's gates, St. Peter hears a knock. he opens the door, but no-ones there. 2 minutes later, knock knock. St Peter opens the door quickly but nothing. 2 minutes later, he hears another knock, but this time he was ready and opens the door immediately and sees a guy standing there.

"what the hell are you doing here playing with my nerves??"
the guy disappears, saying "i can't help it man, these guys keep giving me CPR!"

Written by Valentin B on 25.08.2008 at 12:02

at heaven's gates, St. Peter hears a knock. he opens the door, but no-ones there. 2 minutes later, knock knock. St Peter opens the door quickly but nothing. 2 minutes later, he hears another knock, but this time he was ready and opens the door immediately and sees a guy standing there.

"what the hell are you doing here playing with my nerves??"
the guy disappears, saying "i can't help it man, these guys keep giving me CPR!"

AAAAAAAAAAAhahahh good one, good!!

Written by Valentin B on 25.08.2008 at 12:02

at heaven's gates, St. Peter hears a knock. he opens the door, but no-ones there. 2 minutes later, knock knock. St Peter opens the door quickly but nothing. 2 minutes later, he hears another knock, but this time he was ready and opens the door immediately and sees a guy standing there.

"what the hell are you doing here playing with my nerves??"
the guy disappears, saying "i can't help it man, these guys keep giving me CPR!"

what is CPR??

Written by Elio on 25.08.2008 at 13:42

Written by Valentin B on 25.08.2008 at 12:02

at heaven's gates, St. Peter hears a knock. he opens the door, but no-ones there. 2 minutes later, knock knock. St Peter opens the door quickly but nothing. 2 minutes later, he hears another knock, but this time he was ready and opens the door immediately and sees a guy standing there.

"what the hell are you doing here playing with my nerves??"
the guy disappears, saying "i can't help it man, these guys keep giving me CPR!"

what is CPR??

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cardiopulmonary_resuscitation

I hope that these weren't already and that I translated them right. Sorry if there are any spelling mistakes, but I'm writing on a shitty keyboard.

The rabbit and the bear hate each other. One day the are walking around the forest and meet a little fairy. The fairy tells them that she'd grant both of them 3 wishes if the promise to be nice to each other. Both agree and the bear starts with his wish:
- I wish I had a BIIIIIG cock.
And the bear gets a huge cock. Bunnys turn.
- I wish I had the fastest car on earth which no one ever can catch.
And the bunny gets an amazing red car. Bears turn.
- I wish every female bear was in love with me.
And every female bear wanted him and only him. Bunnys turn.
- I wish that my car would never ever run out of fuel.
And bunnys car won't ever run out of fuel. Bears turn.
- I wish every bear in this world except me was female.
And every bear on the planet except him turned female. Bunnys turn.
- I wish that bear was gay. - and he jumped into the car and drove away.

The son asks his father:
- Dad, what is politics?
The father is thinking for a while and finally answers:
- You see son, I bring the money home so I'm the CAPITALISM. Your mother is taking care of the money, so she is the GOVERMENT. The babysitter is working for us so she's the WORKING CLASS. Your gradfather watches over everything so he is the LABOUR ORGANISATION. All of us are working that you, the FOLK, can have a good life. And your little brother is our FUTURE.
The son memorises everything and goes to bed. At night his little brother shits his diapers and cries. The boy goes to their mother and tries to tell her what happened but she's sleeping and won't wake up. So the boy goes to search for the babysitter and finds her having sex with his father while his grandfather is peeking through the keyhole. They didn't even realize that he is there so he decides to go back to sleep. The next day his dad asks him if he remebers what politics is. The boy thinks about last night, stays silent for a moment and then starts talking:
- Politics is when CAPITALISM is harnessing the WORKING CLASS, the LABOUR ORGANISTANION just stares at that passively, the GOVERMENT is sleeping deeply, no one cares about the FOLK and our FUTURE is in deep shit.

Written by Stalker on 25.08.2008 at 14:49

Written by Elio on 25.08.2008 at 13:42

Written by Valentin B on 25.08.2008 at 12:02

at heaven's gates, St. Peter hears a knock. he opens the door, but no-ones there. 2 minutes later, knock knock. St Peter opens the door quickly but nothing. 2 minutes later, he hears another knock, but this time he was ready and opens the door immediately and sees a guy standing there.

"what the hell are you doing here playing with my nerves??"
the guy disappears, saying "i can't help it man, these guys keep giving me CPR!"

what is CPR??

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cardiopulmonary_resuscitation

now it makes sense. thanks

A man walks through the forest, and after a while he stumbles upon a half-eaten boy. After a few hundred yards he sees a woman drowned in a pond. Not so far away he almost tripped over a dead man laying on the ground, his head in an awkward position. At the very same moment he hears someone crying. The man goes into the bushes and he sees a little girl crying.
"What happened? Why are you crying?"
"Booohohohohhhooooo, I was walking with my family through the forest and then a bear came out of the woods and ate my brother, we started running and my mom fell into a pond and drowned and my dad tripped and broke his neck..."
The man then started taking off his pants saying: "Well, my little girl, this ain't your lucky day!"



Three generations of prostitutes are talking, daughter, mom and grandmother.
Daughter says: "Damn, these days I can't get 20$ for a blowjob"
Mom answers: "That's nothing, in my days we were lucky to get 20 cents for a blowjob"
Granny: "That's nothing, my dears, in my days we were lucky to get something warm in the stomach"



"Mommy, mommy, daddy threw up on the table!"
"But why are you crying?"
"Sister's taking the biggest chunks!"



Vampire comes into the bakery and asks for 20 loaves of bread. The baker gives it to him and asks what does he need them for. Vampire says: "My girlfriend got her period so we're dipping the bread"

Yuuuummm.. Delicious xD Keep the jokes coming, always a joy to read them. Unfortunately I'm very bad at remembering jokes, so can't supply with anything. ;-/

Written by Kasper on 25.08.2008 at 15:54

Yuuuummm.. Delicious xD Keep the jokes coming, always a joy to read them. Unfortunately I'm very bad at remembering jokes, so can't supply with anything. ;-/

I'm not that good at translating them either. And you call this yummy? Oh dear

Written by Øyvind on 25.08.2008 at 15:59

Written by Kasper on 25.08.2008 at 15:54

Yuuuummm.. Delicious xD Keep the jokes coming, always a joy to read them. Unfortunately I'm very bad at remembering jokes, so can't supply with anything. ;-/

I'm not that good at translating them either. And you call this yummy? Oh dear

I'm not the best translator either, but anyway I'm trying.
Here are a few more.

Moses, Jesus and an old man are playing golf. Moses hits the golfball which falls into the pond. He walks there, divides the water of the pond and hits the golfball again which lands near the hole. Then comes Jesus, hits the golfball which lands on the surface of the pond. He walks there on the water and hits the golfball again which lands near the hole. Then comes the old man, but he is so clumsy that he hits the golfball in the totally different direction. The golfball falls on the rooftop of the clubhouse, rolls of the roof and falls on the grass, rolls under the bushes and finally lands in the pont on a water lily. A frog goes there and takes the golfball into its mouth when suddenly a stork catches the frog and flyes away. The frog panics and drops the ball which falls exactly into the hole. Moses then turns to Jesus and tells him:
- Did I tell you already that I hate to play golf with your father?


Why has a duck flat feet?
- So it can put out the fire in the forest.
Why has an elephan flat feet?
- So it can put out the burning ducks in the forest.

A cavemen ask his wife:
- Will you have sex with me?
- No.
- Why not?
- I don't want to.
The caveman hits his wife in the head with a club.
- Will you have sex with me now?
- No.
- Why not?
- I have a headache.

Jigoku this three were awesome

Written by Elio on 25.08.2008 at 16:51

Jigoku this three were awesome

Thanks!

A guy goes over to his friend's house, rings the bell, and the wife answers.

"Hi, is Hank home?" he asks.

"No, I'm sorry, he's out running some errands," she replies.

"Would you mind if I wait?" he asks.

"No, that would be fine. Come on in," she says.

They go into the kitchen, sit down, and the guy says, "You know, Laura, you have the most beautiful breasts I've ever seen. I'll give you a hundred bucks if I could just see one."

Laura thinks about it for a second and figures what the heck. She opens her robe and lets him see one. He promptly thanks her and throws a hundred bucks on the table.

They sit a while longer and Ben says, "They really are so beautiful. I just have to see both of them. I'll give you another hundred bucks if I could just see both of them together."

Laura thinks about it and figures what the heck. She opens her robe and gives Ben a nice long look. He thanks her, throws another hundred bucks on the table and says, "I really can't wait any longer. Please tell Hank I stopped by," and leaves.

A short while later, Hank arrives home and Laura greets him at the door. "Your friend Ben stopped by to see you," she says.

Hanks thinks for a moment and asks, "Did he happen to drop off the two hundred bucks he owes me?"

lol the one with the politics, the boobs and the caveman were real good

Damm... I can't quote all of them, But I have to say that the politics [I need to memorize this one], the man on the forest, the golf, the duck [personal favorite right now] and the boobs were just brilliant jajajaja

Congratulation, I'm finished for today

Written by [user id=27018] on 25.08.2008 at 14:49

I hope that these weren't already and that I translated them right. Sorry if there are any spelling mistakes, but I'm writing on a shitty keyboard.

The rabbit and the bear hate each other. One day the are walking around the forest and meet a little fairy. The fairy tells them that she'd grant both of them 3 wishes if the promise to be nice to each other. Both agree and the bear starts with his wish:
- I wish I had a BIIIIIG cock.
And the bear gets a huge cock. Bunnys turn.
- I wish I had the fastest car on earth which no one ever can catch.
And the bunny gets an amazing red car. Bears turn.
- I wish every female bear was in love with me.
And every female bear wanted him and only him. Bunnys turn.
- I wish that my car would never ever run out of fuel.
And bunnys car won't ever run out of fuel. Bears turn.
- I wish every bear in this world except me was female.
And every bear on the planet except him turned female. Bunnys turn.
- I wish that bear was gay. - and he jumped into the car and drove away.

The son asks his father:
- Dad, what is politics?
The father is thinking for a while and finally answers:
- You see son, I bring the money home so I'm the CAPITALISM. Your mother is taking care of the money, so she is the GOVERMENT. The babysitter is working for us so she's the WORKING CLASS. Your gradfather watches over everything so he is the LABOUR ORGANISATION. All of us are working that you, the FOLK, can have a good life. And your little brother is our FUTURE.
The son memorises everything and goes to bed. At night his little brother shits his diapers and cries. The boy goes to their mother and tries to tell her what happened but she's sleeping and won't wake up. So the boy goes to search for the babysitter and finds her having sex with his father while his grandfather is peeking through the keyhole. They didn't even realize that he is there so he decides to go back to sleep. The next day his dad asks him if he remebers what politics is. The boy thinks about last night, stays silent for a moment and then starts talking:
- Politics is when CAPITALISM is harnessing the WORKING CLASS, the LABOUR ORGANISTANION just stares at that passively, the GOVERMENT is sleeping deeply, no one cares about the FOLK and our FUTURE is in deep shit.

xD This is the best joke I'vew ever heard.(the 2nd) Could you please tell me this also in Hungarian?

School...
Teacher asks each children to construct a sentence where the word "wonderful" would appear twice.

Mary: "Last night daddy bought mommy a wonderful dress and mommy looked wonderful wearing it."
Pete: "My granny bakes wonderful cookies and I'm wonderful at eating them."
....
Bobby: "Yesterday at dinner table my sis told everyone that she was pregnant and my dad said "Wonderful, bitch, wonderful...""


"Who's screaming so loud out there at the neighbours'?"
"It's Katie."
"Is she giving birth or something?"
"No...she's getting pregnant..."

Q: Who is the biggest metal vocalist in the mushroom kingdom?

A: Alice Koopa

30 men and one woman were stranded on a deserted island. after 30 days, disgusted with what she was doing, the woman kills herself. after 30 days, disgusted with what they were doing, the men finally bury her. after 30 days, disgusted with what they were doing, they exhume her.

best joke i heard in a while!

[from 'what women want']: what's the difference between a job and a wife? after 10 years, a job can still suck

Hahaha!

Damn.. I didnät get the last one u.u

Written by X-Ray Rod on 01.09.2008 at 18:15

Damn.. I didnät get the last one u.u

what? you didn't get the one with the job? well, a job, even after 10 years, can still be boring/unrewarding etc. and so it can still suck, but a wife, after 10 years of marriage, she won't suck your...

Written by Valentin B on 01.09.2008 at 21:37

Written by X-Ray Rod on 01.09.2008 at 18:15

Damn.. I didnät get the last one u.u

what? you didn't get the one with the job? well, a job, even after 10 years, can still be boring/unrewarding etc. and so it can still suck, but a wife, after 10 years of marriage, she won't suck your...

LMAO.. sorry, maybe it was the fact that I translated the whole joke in my head, so it didn't had any sense in spanish jajaja.

why do blondes wear undies?

they keep their ankles warm

"Meredith, let us implement sexual act."
"I agree, Desmond, I am also being in a coital mood at the moment."
"Shall you be so kind and remove your garments."
"I shall. Shall you do the same, my friend."
"Meredith, your breast is in correct form."
"Desmond, your erection is powerful."
"Let us execute the 83rd position now. In that particular case the penetration will be able to reach the highest possible extent."
"Please be delicate to me."
"I will insert my male reproductive organ into your female reproductive counterpart organ system, Meredith."
"I am overwhelmed by the passion, Desmond. My body is blazing. Slightly higher, please if that is possible for you."
"I will now commence frictions."
"Shall you please enhance the amplitude, Desmond."
"Meredith, your breast is in correct form."
"I thank you, Desmond. Your frictions do not leave me indifferent."
"Continuing with the act."
"Desmond, I have now culminated."
"That is also what I have accomplished at the present moment, Meredith. Fairly stormy."
"Thank you."
"Thank you."


A young guy approaches and starts a conversation with a girl sitting on a park bench.
"Young lady, do you happen to smoke?"
"I do."
"Do you also consume ale?"
"I do."
"Now how to ask the following question in the most delicate way possible..."
"I do, I do, I do..."

Written by Ernis on 03.09.2008 at 19:16

"Meredith, let us implement sexual act."
"I agree, Desmond, I am also being in a coital mood at the moment."
"Shall you be so kind and remove your garments."
"I shall. Shall you do the same, my friend."
"Meredith, your breast is in correct form."
"Desmond, your erection is powerful."
"Let us execute the 83rd position now. In that particular case the penetration will be able to reach the highest possible extent."
"Please be delicate to me."
"I will insert my male reproductive organ into your female reproductive counterpart organ system, Meredith."
"I am overwhelmed by the passion, Desmond. My body is blazing. Slightly higher, please if that is possible for you."
"I will now commence frictions."
"Shall you please enhance the amplitude, Desmond."
"Meredith, your breast is in correct form."
"I thank you, Desmond. Your frictions do not leave me indifferent."
"Continuing with the act."
"Desmond, I have now culminated."
"That is also what I have accomplished at the present moment, Meredith. Fairly stormy."
"Thank you."
"Thank you."

hahaha, 18th century upper class sex huh? not that great as a joke, but for example a movie scene with that would be hilarious