Maybe the translation was a bit off on that one. Could have used a rephrase but even then... not sure about that one.

Well it sounds better in original.I cant really translate that fine details.

"Could I have a word with Mona Lisa?"
"No, she's painting."

So a seal walks into a club...

Written by Kennoth on 13.09.2014 at 06:29
So a seal walks into a club...

A baby seal*

Written by Troy Killjoy on 13.09.2014 at 06:56

Written by Kennoth on 13.09.2014 at 06:29
So a seal walks into a club...

A baby seal*

A kitten*

Of course. We're a very pleasant and sensitive community.

OT:
What's the fastest way to castrate a redneck?
Kick his sister in the head.

In a bar, a guy comes out of the bathroom with a big smile on his face. He walks up to the bartender and asks for six shots of the hardest liquor they have. The bartender lines them up for him and the guy downs them all in a heartbeat. The bartender looks at the guy and says "my god, I don't think I've ever seen anyone drink that fast before. Are you celebrating something, sir?" The guy smiles and says "as a matter of fact I am, I'm celebrating my very first blowjob." The bartender congratulates the guy and encourages him to have another shot on the house. But the guy shakes his head and says "no thanks, if six didn't kill the taste, I don't think another one will."

1. What did the man say when asked if he was leaving his yoga class?.... "Naa ima' stay"

2. How Long is a chinaman?.... That's true he is.

Jeezus the jokes on the last couple of pages were shit, now for some real ones...

knock knock.....who's there....runeep.....runeep who?

what do vegan zombies eat? GRRAAAAIIIINS!

how do you wake up lady gaga? poke her face

how many hipsters does it take to change a light bulb?... some really obscure number you probably haven't heard of.

One day the programmer's wife went and asked him:
- Would you please go to the market and pick a bottle of milk? If they have eggs please bring a dozen
The programmer went back home with a dozen bottles of milk.



Another day the programmer said he was going out and she felt in the opportunity to ask:
- While you're out please pick some bread at the bakery
The programmer never went home again.

^Hahaha. Those are funny.

A man is sitting in a pub and eating dinner when the local metal cover band takes the stage. They omit their introduction and instead blaze through the first two songs. After that the vocalist addresses the audience: "We are [metal_band_name_#114345] and we're the ones in charge of charging you guys up tonight! UOOOO! We can play more-or-less anything you can think of so if you have anything you want to hear tell us and we'll try to make your evening."

The man, hearing this, immediately speaks up: "So you guys can play anything right?".
"Totally right man. You've got a request?"

"Yes, I do. Could you guys play cards for the next half hour, I'm trying to eat dinner here."

The price of a good chimney - that's going through the roof, isn't it?




Sorry about that incredibly lame pun. Construction worker here, trying to be funny.

More (original, as far as I know, though probably something similar has been said by someone somewhere) Tim Vine/Stewart Francis style silly puns. Hope you can enjoy them at least a little bit:


My dwarf friend hates metal. To be honest, we don't see eye to eye on that.

I tried to give my wife a long, detailed explanation as to why I was masturbating to the picture of an ex-president of the United States, but she was all like: "Quit beating around the Bush!"

I left my ex-girlfriend in a burning building, saving my thermometer instead. It was a heat of the moment decision.


That's all I got for now.

Check it out guys:

Which car does the older brother drive?
It's the nii-san. Get it? Niisan. Ha-ha

What's a zebra's favorite band? The White Stripes
Santa's favorite band? Slayer

..think about it

" Careful with that chainsaw " - said he offhandedly.

" I like modern painting " - said he abstractly.

" I'll have a martini, please " - said he drily.

" I bet you never saw one this big" - said he cockly.

Tom swiftie puns anyone?

"Grandma, grandma, may I jump up and down in the graveyard?"

"Over my dead body!"

"Yes."

***

Don't judge the foreign kid, who made your Nike footwear, not until you've walked a mile in his shoes.

Some more awful (probably not original, but I haven't heard them before) puns:

Went to see my friend at the calendar factory last tuesday. I noticed that the calendars he'd made had no wednesday. "What the hell is this?" I asked him. "I'm sorry," he said. "I'm just in a real hurry, been making calendars like there's no tomorrow."

***

My brother wanted to open a zoo, featuring tons of apes. I said no, I haven't got the time for monkey business.

***

Why couldn't NASA make The Challanger space shuttle safe? I mean, it's not rocket science.

***

"Puppet looking for a realdoll for no strings attached sex."

***

Donald Trump's favorite Pink Floyd album? Pfft... too easy, you can guess this from several miles away.

***

A CSI Miami joke:

"Sir, we found four people dead at a Japanese Cosplay Convention!"

"I guess that, was their..."



"Final Fantasy."

YEEEAAAAHHHHH!

***

"I can't believe he scored more goals in a season than I did! I can't believe it! I can't believe he scored so many goals, I never scored so many goals a season..."

"Shut up, you sound like a broken record."

***

When latex rubber dolls want to practice safe sex, do they use a condom made of flesh?

***

Stole a lady's purse once, she chased me for miles. Gave her a run for her money.

***

Is it OK to mock the colorblind? Maybe, maybe not, I think it's a grey area.

***

I guess I showed my true colors with that last joke.


That's all, folks!!!

OK... one last attempt to revitalize this thread... and this is probably the best and also lamest pun I've ever come up with...


Disappointed U2 fan invents automated knife to stab band members.
Police refer to the confiscated weapon as "cutting edge technology".

Badum! Tss!

Mr. Bear and Mr. Rabbit didn't like each other very much and one day, whilst they were walking through the woods they came across a golden frog. The frog turned to them and said: "Ooh, I don't often meet anyone in these parts." They were amazed that the frog had talked to them.

The golden frog admitted: "Mind you, when I do meet someone I always give them six wishes. You can have three wishes each in this case.

Mr. Bear immediately wished that all the other bears in the forest were females. The frog granted his wish.

Mr. Rabbit, after thinking for a while, wished for a crash helmet. One appeared immediately, and he placed it on his head.

Mr. Bear was amazed at Mr. Rabbit's wish, but carried on with his second wish. He wished that all the bears in the neighboring forests were females as well, and the frog granted his wish.

Mr. Rabbit then wished for a motorcycle. It appeared before him, and he climbed on board and started revving the engine.

Mr. Bear could not believe it and complained that Mr. Rabbit had wasted two wishes that he could have had for himself. Shaking his head, Mr. Bear made his final wish, that all the other bears in the world were females as well, leaving him as the only male bear in the world.

The frog replied that it had been done, and they both turned to Mr. Rabbit for his last wish.

Mr. Rabbit revved the engine, thought for a second, then said: "I wish that Mr. Bear was gay!" and rode off as fast as he could

Written by Metren on 24.08.2016 at 03:16

Donald Trump's favorite Pink Floyd album? Pfft... too easy, you can guess this from several miles away.

A Momentary Lapse of Reason?

Who is Iron Man's wife? Iron Maiden.

A man walks into a bar and asks: "A cuba libre, please."
The waiter responds: "We are kinda lacking ingredients... Is pepsi ok"?
"Sure" answers the man

The waiter opens a pepsi and a coke and mixes it up on the man's cup.

Some fucking awful puns born from my up-too-late state of mind...

I wouldn't be good at archery, not by a long shot.

I made a plan to castrate my neighbor, but I wasn't able to pull it off.

Apparently, the greatest orgy of all time was just performed by 20 000 gay guys. Somebody needs to set the record straight.

When Britain left the EU, it was called Brexit. The EU will be fine again if Finland leaves it though, that will Fixit.

What's Arjen Robben's theme song? Let's just say he's been down too long in the midnight sea...

My son once asked me: "Dad, do you ever wonder if famous musicians have orgies amongst themselves? Like, has anyone ever Akerfeldt Mikael's Akercocke?" And I was like: "I don't think anyone has yet, but soon Steven will, son."

I honestly can't see the benefits of invisibility cloaks.

A shark missing its fins went to search for them in Finland, but all he found was tails from the thousand lakes.

And finally...

Nothing pisses me off more than when people don't finish their

As far as ancestral species go, I really really like habilis, neanderthalensis and erectus.



No homo.

Someone gave the letters "H" "S" "T" and "I" and told me to make a word. This is the result.



And to be honest, it's shit.

Here's one for my fellow Witcher fans:

"Did you know that Vesemir's great grandfather was 7 feet tall?"
"No, Geralt, I didn't know that."
"And did you know that there are one hundred and seventeen herbalists keeping shops in Vizima?"
"No, Geralt, I didn't know that either."
"Did you know then, that Kaer Morhen's south-side wall has 439 stones in it?"
"No... I didn't..."




Geralt of Trivia.

No joke here, just my favorite verse from The Book Of Genesis:

"Stop dreaming of becoming the lead vocalist and go back to practicing on Your little drumset, Phil!"