101 Rules Of Industrial Metal
101 Rules Of Industrial Metal
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101 Rule Of Industrial Metal 1. You may only listen to Industrial Metal, all other metal is too simple and lacking in the complexity required to enjoy music. 2. You may listen to the sub-genres of industrial such as electro-industrial, industrial-electro, aggrotech, synthpop and Pure Industrial. 3. You must choose a side: you are either a fan of American Industrial or European Industrial, you may not like both, you must choose. 4. The Grand-Father of Industrial Metal is Kraftwerk. 5. Although Throbbing Gristle is cited as the original industrial band you know only their label was called industrial, their genre was noise. The true original was Laibach. 6. Remember the band is optional, all sounds can be produced by machines; in fact drum machines, synthesizers and a sampler are all you need. 7. You may also use old lawnmowers, broken washing machines and any industrial appliances you find. 8. You don't have to be GR00l or Necro or Bruutle. Be industrial. 9. Shoot the best music videos of all the metal genres, this is not optional. 10. You are not bound to any lyrical content but never sing about dragons, trolls, or any other forest creatures. 11. You may, however, use the sound of a chainsaw cutting down a forest and sing about logging. 12. If you are European Industrial be from Germany, if possible East Germany. 13. Finland is ok, too. 14. You must, irrespective of where you are from, release at least one track in German. 15. Unless you are Finnish in which case you must only sing in Finnish. 16. If you are European Industrial you hate American Industrial, you must claim they are fake, and were all syntpop players before. You really HATE NIN. 17. You hate Trent Reznor. 18. If someone asks you if you like Rammstein claim to hate them saying they are sell outs and name at least 12 obscure difficult to pronounce bands that existed before Rammstein. 19. Rammstein is secretly your favourite NDH band and you must see them live at least once. 20. If anyone asks you what is your favourite NDH band though you may only choose from the following: Eisbrecher; OOMPH!; Tanzwut; Megherz. 21. Buy the whole KMFDM digitally remastered collection. 22. You hate Trent Reznor. 23. You hate NIN. 24. If anyone asks you to define Industrial you must always respond in a 5 hour long history starting from 1960 explaining that there are 200+ subgenres and explain each in detail yet omit actually explaining industrial because you aren't even sure. 25. You secretly listen to Alphaville and Depeche Mode. 26. You know Industrial Metal is really just synth-pop with aggression and guitars. 27. You hate Marilyn Manson slightly more than Trent Reznor. 28. Industrial Metal is always blamed for school violence; when asked about this cite that the lyrical content is exactly against that sort of thing and quickly shift blame to Black Metal. 29. If you are American Industrial your favourite band is Ministry but you hate their later stuff. 30. In fact if you are American Industrial you are stuck in 1993. 31. Unless you 13 in which case you don't know any better. 32. Your all time favourite band must be KMFDM, even if you cant stand their stuff, it will grow on you. 33. Be overjoyed when you find an original WDYKD LP from KMFDM. 34. You always stick it to the man. 35. It's only gay if balls touch. 36. Push the boundaries in you songs. 37. Claim Industrial has influenced every metal band ever, except True Norwegian Black Metal, because they are elitist pricks. 38. You may never have a lineup change. If this happens then split the band immediately and form another Industrial Project and claim to be True. Like what happened to Megaherz. 39. You hate Megahertz and love Eisbrecher because Eisbrecher is true. 40. Moshing is optional at Industrial Metal concerts, but you must move. 41. Synth-solos are better than guitar solos. 42. If you are European Industrial the only American band you may like is Powerman 5000. 43. The fewer people in your band the more industrial you are, but have 500 people assist you with your album production. 44. If it goes mainstream it's not true any more. 45. To be truly industrial you must have worked at a factory at some point. 46. The lyrics must be clear and well sung, you don't need to growl, or scream; we are human. 47. If you cannot sing you can distort you voice for a more Industrial feel. 48. Make you CDs easily available; in fact include a blank cd or free download at some stage in your career. 49. Cover at least one synthpop song. 50. You know the difference between electro-industrial and industrial-electro. 51. You may never collaborate with any one. 52. Every song on your album must sound completely different from the next and you must have one calm song. This is not optional. 53. You must dress in industrial overalls and jumpsuits; mechanical apparatus must be part of you. 54. Be militaristic. 55. Be accused of being right-wing and inciting hate. 56. Claim to be left-wing. 57. Make a right-wing song. 58. Ruoska is the best Finnish band. Have their entire CD collection but only listen to Raduim. 59. You are still allowed concept albums; you must release at least one. 60. You must choose a topic when your band starts, like war, aliens, politics, or sex and you may never deviate from this topic. 61. Except if you are Laibach. 62. If other metalheads complain about Industrial, claim Industrial is more sophisticated and proceed to play a 5 minute song and extend it to 1 hour dissecting and explaining each break down in detail. Eisbrecher songs work well for this. 63. Your favourite part of an Industrial Metal song is the Poppy. 64. You wish someone will cover "Sounds Like A Melody". 65. True Industrial comes from Europe. 66. Only tour the regions where people don't want you and make your fans struggle to find you. 67. Never announce your concerts, true fans will sense you. 68. Your concert is a performance you must have elaborate stages, props, and pyrotechnics. If people wanted to see people just stand on a plain stage they would go to a Doom Metal concert. 69. You are not Goth. 70. You hate Trend Reznor. 71. Industrial went underground to remain true. 72. Your album covers must have detailed art work or photos; they must be industrial so they can include laboratories, experiments, factories, refineries, and aliens. 73. Unless you're KMFDM. 74. You are NOT KMFDM. 75. They are true Industrial, their first recording was in a WW2 bunker. 76. Claim every country's Industrial is unique and amazingly original, yet sounds exactly like every other industrial band. 77. You must know of at least 5 foreign Industrial bands (Germany and Finland don't count). 78. Exapmle: the Samans -China, NULL -South Africa, T3CHN0ph0b1a -Italy, Nocroder -Mexico, NOD -Peru. 79. Cyber is not the same as Industrial. 80. IF you sing in German you automatically get Industrial points see Unhielch. 81. Laugh at death metallers taking photos in the cemetery. 82. Laugh at black metallers taking photos in the woods. 83. Book a photographer to take band shots in power plants/factories/refineries/subways/ships. 84. Be closed minded to other music genres. 85. But listen to other bands. 86. Only so you may criticize them for not being industrial. 87. If any one ever claims Industrial is a sub genre cite Kraftwerk, so all other music is influenced from Industrial. 88. You must always use Fire in some way. 89. Magic is gay, Satan is gay, trolls are gay. 90. Don't be gay. 91. See rule 35 & 36. 92. Vikings are not gay but you cannot sing about them 93. Unless they are time traveling cyborg Vikings. 94. You must also have one song about S&M - non negotiable. 95. Always cite Libach as your influence. 96. If your song cannot be played in a fetish shop it's not Industrial. 97. No one really agrees on a definition of Industrial. 98. You hate NIN. 99. Mushroom Head is not industrial. 100. Industrial chicks are hot. 101. To be true Industial you only need 2 things: time and a computer. |
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