Oh man I hope I would not delete the above post.

Man, that must suck.

This is the kind of feeling that you know you shouldn't be having because it's not your fault. And I'm sure even you realize it because you phrase you not being able to excuse yourself as something that shouldn't be like that... Which it isn't. But it's just that you can't just flip the switch and separate reason of the way you feel.

And that is hard to deal with, because no amount of reason will make you change the way you feel, since you already know it's not your fault and you shouldn't be feeling like that to begin with. I wish I had the right thing to say but I don't think it exists. These suicidal thoughs are the kind of thoughts you will only realize how wrong they are after you overcome them, and not while you are having them.

Well, nice to know you have been seeking for help, I hope everything turns well.

Written by [user id=110592] on 23.10.2024 at 21:39

Long, trumatic post ahead.

Lately, the shame and anger from experience of being sexually abused as a child has came back to me. It seems like there is no escape. No matter how hard I try, the feeling is back after some calm.

Being raised in a very sexualy backward society where the victoms of sexual violence are constantly made fun of, I felt ashamed as a kid for what had happened to me. I know my parents will be extremely sad for me, so I kept it almost completely to myself and never talked about it to anyone, untill now that is when I have mentioned it vaguely to a few freinds. Still, whenever I see news of a guy arrested for molesting childred, I start to have anxiety attacks and plunged hard to darkness. I've decided to delete all my social media accounts (facebook, twitter, instagram) just to protect myselft from seeing these news now.

Lately I'm experiencing a lot of shame when I'm trying to be intimate with someone. I've never excused myself for what happened, and being bodily closed to someone else, in a very fucked up way, bring back those images of abuse very vividly. I've started to date a very kind, nice girl recently, and I cannot enjoy her company as much as I like because of these issues. I feel guilty for not being able to being fully present with her.

The first instance of abuse happened when I wanted to protect my brother, 2 years younger than me, from essentially what happened to me. Being a 7-year old boy, I did the best I could, but that was not enough for both of us. For a long time, I was swinging back and forth between feeling negative about him for not even realizing what have happened, and then feeling ashamed for putting any blame on an innocent 5-year old boy. Sometimes I feel that I'm too week that "incidents" can affect my life so dramattically.

One never stops being a victom of childhood sexual abuse. At least I know I haven't. This has shaped my life in such a profound way that it is the first thing that comes to my mind when I think about myself. I hate that. Despite everything I've don and all my achievements, being sexually abused is my defining characteristics for myself. When I started having physical problems around the end of my highschool, I saw it as being deserved. I did not consider myself and my body worthy, and felt like it is divine justice if such a body starts having physical issues.

I've had a lot of suicidal thoughts lately. The internal pressure keeps getting higher and higher and I have a constant feeling of nausea. I'm chatting with one of these websites dedicated to providing help for the victims of sexual abuse, which recommended me to talk to my GP so that I could be reffered to a psychologis. I'm not sure if I will be able to talk about these issues face-to-face with someone. For now it seems like the only way forward. There is so much negativity, anger and shame inside me that I wish I'd be struck by a lightning. Sometimes I wish a suddent car accident resulting in a quick death is the best thing that could happen to me. Then I will not be responsible for killing myself and putting my loved ones in pain.

Sory for this potentially sad post. I literally had nowhere else to talk about it and I feel like exploding. I hope you all are doing better than me

Sorry to hear that happened to you. I'd highly recommend going to a psychologist and even if ones doesn't help search around, I know a girl who has come out the other side of a similar situation and is doing well for herself through therapy. Your body and yourself is definitely worthy, that's a trick of the mind I think a lot of abuse victims fall into, something a professional will be able to help you realize.

Written by [user id=110592] on 23.10.2024 at 21:39

Sory for this potentially sad post. I literally had nowhere else to talk about it and I feel like exploding. I hope you all are doing better than me

I am sorry you went through this. It's very brave that you are sharing it here, but you need to seek professional help. I can tell you from professional experience that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Child sexual abuse is probably the most despicable thing someone can do, and victims find it extremely difficult, if not impossible, to emotionally deal with, but, with appropriate help, there is healing. At least to the point where life can become meaningful again.

^To peope above who expressed their concerns: thanks a lot, and sorry for making it more bleak than is needed here.
I talked to two suicide line helps last night, and they did take some edge off. I need to wait for some paperwork so that I can go to my new GP and ask for referral to a psychiatrist.

Last night after the worse has passed, I sat down to organize google photos and get rid of the junk. Helped spend some time and relaxing my braid a bit. I made a donation to an anti-child abuse charity and that made me feel good.

I need to see what are the next possible steps. I still do not have high expectation that therapy could help, but I dont want to be too pessimistic about it.

cheers, and sorry again.

Written by [user id=110592] on 24.10.2024 at 19:30

sorry again.

Please dont feel sorry for posting this. It is absolutely important that you share these thoughts and feelings with someone, I would say. Those of us who feel too oppressed by what you are going through have a choice and can opt to ignore it in the first place. Others, like me, will be grateful for you sharing and will do their best to help.
From my perspective, the fact that you are even able to share these thoughts and feelings, not only in one-by-one talks on the line but also here in this community, gives me good hope that you will eventually be able to control them and learn to live with them. I suppose doing some meaningful things like donating can only be helpful at that.
I wish you all the strength that is needed to overcome these dark moments you are going through.

Written by Redel on 24.10.2024 at 21:44
]

Please dont feel sorry for posting this. It is absolutely important that you share these thoughts and feelings with someone, I would say. Those of us who feel too oppressed by what you are going through have a choice and can opt to ignore it in the first place. Others, like me, will be grateful for you sharing and will do their best to help.
From my perspective, the fact that you are even able to share these thoughts and feelings, not only in one-by-one talks on the line but also here in this community, gives me good hope that you will eventually be able to control them and learn to live with them. I suppose doing some meaningful things like donating can only be helpful at that.
I wish you all the strength that is needed to overcome these dark moments you are going through.

thanks. I appreciate your comment.

Started the therapy today with the suicide prevention service. We agreed to continue with regular appointments. I already was feeling much better before my sessions but I think it is important not to give up on formal treatment just because I feel good for a few weeks.

Written by [user id=110592] on 01.11.2024 at 22:01

Started the therapy today with the suicide prevention service. We agreed to continue with regular appointments. I already was feeling much better before my sessions but I think it is important not to give up on formal treatment just because I feel good for a few weeks.

That's good to hear. I don't have experiences of that calibre, but dealing with and witnessing lesser issues, I found it pretty useful to accept that better safe than sorry. There are periods of things going well, there are periods of backsliding where it feels like it was all for nothing, but even so: it's better to get help you don't need than not get it and figure out later that you needed it after all!

I've also found that it's really hard to subjectively judge where you're at, right now. Do I really need help or am I overreacting? Especially if you're very critical and tend to rationalize, it's helpful to benchmark others: how much help do people in similar circumstances usually need? It's rational to assume that I'm probably average, so looking up typical durations of therapy (for the problem at hand and the method used) gives you a useful yardstick: I should expect to need AT LEAST that much help and not feel awkward about it.

(I know advice and lecturing is the last thing you probably need, sorry! This is how I cope with problems. )

Written by IronAngel on 04.11.2024 at 11:26


That's good to hear. I don't have experiences of that calibre, but dealing with and witnessing lesser issues, I found it pretty useful to accept that better safe than sorry. There are periods of things going well, there are periods of backsliding where it feels like it was all for nothing, but even so: it's better to get help you don't need than not get it and figure out later that you needed it after all!

I've also found that it's really hard to subjectively judge where you're at, right now. Do I really need help or am I overreacting? Especially if you're very critical and tend to rationalize, it's helpful to benchmark others: how much help do people in similar circumstances usually need? It's rational to assume that I'm probably average, so looking up typical durations of therapy (for the problem at hand and the method used) gives you a useful yardstick: I should expect to need AT LEAST that much help and not feel awkward about it.

(I know advice and lecturing is the last thing you probably need, sorry! This is how I cope with problems. )

Indeed I do experience periods at which I feel like there is nothing wrong, and periods at which I would just love to be lobomatized so that my mind could shut up. What I've founds is that any of these plunge seasons are worse than the ones that came before it, so it feels like there is no other way than trying to face the issues head on.

For seeing how bad I'm doing mentally, I have my own internal metrics. My body is very reactive to mental distress, and I have been experiencing frequent panic attacks. Furthermore, I've had two episodes of progonled chronic fatigue syndrom (CFS) in my life which were initiated due to extreme stress and other psychological factros. I felt symptoms very similar to the initiation phases of those two episodes, which made me realize this time it is pretty serious.
also, no worries about giving advices now. Anything that could potentially help is appreciated.

Small update on my situation:
I've been having some ups and downs in the last weeks. For most parts I feel OK-ish, but the downs are too down. I decided that I'm too scared to stay alone and thus will be visiting my sister soon. I've been also refered to a psychiatrist tomorrow. My family doctor told me that I might need to see a psychologist, but I have a hard stance against medicines for mental health due to my previous experiences.

Where do you live in my ? Iran ?

Written by [user id=110592] on 04.12.2024 at 21:41

Small update on my situation:
I've been having some ups and downs in the last weeks. For most parts I feel OK-ish, but the downs are too down. I decided that I'm too scared to stay alone and thus will be visiting my sister soon. I've been also refered to a psychiatrist tomorrow. My family doctor told me that I might need to see a psychologist, but I have a hard stance against medicines for mental health due to my previous experiences.

new update :

had my intake with a psychiatrist, and he told me I need a more serious treatment , but the specialists have around 8 months of wait time. We are trying to see if there is a workaround.
I was again told that I might need to take medications, and again pushed back. However, given how bad I feel, I started to look into my previous bad experience with Sertaline. It turns out that I had, more likely than not, experienced what's called serotonin syndrome, a serious and potentially deadly issue. I'm short, in a self-catalyzing sequence of effects, taking Sertaline made my migraine worse, forcing me to take higher dosages of my migraine medication, which have a serious interference with Sertaline. A lot of things now make sense from that year, like my garbage physical state, my memory issues with numbers, names etc, and the partial collapse of judgement I experienced. I never could understand how at some point I wanted to dip my hand in boiling sulphuric acid, not to do self harm or cause damage, but rather just to see what happens without realizing that it will be bad for me. Turns out that serotonin syndrome can indeed cause psychosis. I'm wondering what other judgment issues I might have had that year...

A few days ago I was as close as I've got to actually ending it all with a blade in my hand, trying to force myself to call my family and say goodbye. Someone I know started to answer my desperate help request messages, and suggested a) doing EMDR b) talking to family member. I opened up to my sister today and there were a lot of tears. I do feel better but any time I've said this recently, things have got a wrong turn.

I decided that I'm going to draft a note and pass it to a friend in case what I think will eventually happen actually happens. I don't feel good leaving people without saying why I'm doing it.

Written by [user id=110592] on 11.12.2024 at 06:46
new update :

mz:

I've never been in this thread before, so I didn't follow your posts until today. The reason I came here today was because another member of our team alerted the rest of us to this post out of concern. I've just read through your posts, going back to your first post, and I'm heartbroken.

I think most of us here have had mental health issues in one form or another over the course of our lives, but what you have been through sounds like an absolutely horrific combination of events and circumstances that I cannot imagine any person in the world coming away from unscathed. Battling your own mind on top of that and still being able to come here and talk about it to a group of mostly strangers shows immense strength and determination on your part. Please hold on to that strength. You are stronger than this, and you are not defined by what other people do to you or think of you. You are a human being with every right to be alive, to be happy, and to be loved. This is a universal truth, and it applies to you as much as to anyone else in this community or beyond.

And you are a person with thoughts, feelings, hopes, and fears, all of which are valid, belong to you, and are what defines you. Nobody can take away from you what you have already achieved in life and you have a long road of adventures ahead of you.

You may not think you need to hear this, but I'm going to say it anyway: You matter. You matter to the people around you, to your family, to your partner, to your colleagues, and - not the most important thing, but important to everyone here - you matter to this community. The fact that I am here because someone else cares about you and told me about it shows that.

We're all just avatars and nicknames to each other here, but we're also a community of people with common interests who take time out of their lives to contribute to this place and fill it with life. I know it's easy to think that you're just talking to strangers and nothing here matters, or as some people put it, that everyone is only here for their own ego, but this is still a place we come back to every day to make human connections and be a part of something. You are as important to this place as anyone else, and it would not be the same without you. You are as important here as you are in other places and we are not ready or willing to let you go.

All we can do from this distance is listen to (or rather read) what you have to say, wish you well, and hope for the best. But please know that these wishes are not empty phrases. If you feel comfortable talking about your feelings and experiences here, I can only encourage you to continue doing so. If nothing else, writing things down will help clear your mind and organize your thoughts. And there will be people here who care about you, who will follow your progress, and who will be there for you to talk to. And there's other stuff here you can get involved in if you just want to feel like you belong.

Because you do. You belong here. You belong in this community. And you belong in this world.

@corrupt and other members of this community who have reached out / expressed their concerns/ extended their good will to me : this really does mean a lot. I've visited this website since 2008 and have been a member since 2010 I think. What I liked the most about this place is that, at some point , you start to get to know people and see them as humans with their special characters rather than just names behind the monitor. I've always thought MS is one of the best online communities I've ever seen, and you guys have proven it to me once more in the last few days. It is genuinely heart-warming to see strangers caring about you in your time of need.

I don't have a shortage of amazing, loving people in my life, but somehow it feels easier to talk to strangers on this. There in an aspect of "information hazard" attached to my story in that there is a negative emotional load for anyone who hears it. I feel guilty burduning my sister and am doubtful if I want to do the same thing with other members of my family. In some sense, it is easier to talk to people on the internet on this, and I know the members of this website are well-meaning, caring people.

Hopefully some day not far in the future, there will be a happy ending here and you will see a post from me informing you that I've passed the worst of it, no longer being dangerously close to suicide.

cheers, and thanks again for being such an amazing, supportive community.

mz.

Corrupt, what you have said is indeed Truth and Angelica Grace.

Mz: you listened to metal. You find Metalstorm here. Both I hope contribute for your life long ahead. Wish you best.

Small update :
The last two weeks I've been dealing with the fear of losing my mind on top of everything else. It is now conformed that I've suffered from psychosis a few years ago under sertaline. Between my own sadness and the nightmare of losing my mind, I feel like I'm trapped between two blades of a scissor.

Decided that I need to be hospitalized so that I'm not left alone on my own. I have two concerns: a) given my previous experience with medications for mental health, I'm wondering if they can force me to take pills. b) I'm extremely claustrophobic and the thought of being restrained gives me panic attacks. I wonder if something like that can happen in the case of volunteered admission.

The extreme mental distress has caused my chronic fatigue syndrome to come back and I've been more or less bed-bound for the last two weeks.

It's not all bleak and negative though with me. I had come very close to suicide, but saw that a) I'm too scared of how I'd feel at the point of no return. b) my loved ones will be devastated if I do that and c) I have too much of life, ambition and love in me to just give it away. That's a long way to say that I think I'm away from suicide for now.

I'd also like to thank you all for bearing with me here and checking on me. Certain members of this community have been kind and caring beyond imagination and I'm forever grateful to be member of this website.

Cheers and Merry Christmas.

Damn, I didn't know you went through such hell... I'm speechless An empty words, but I hope everything will be okay and in the end you'll find your treatment. Keep strong man! I DO care about you!

Written by [user id=110592] on 11.12.2024 at 06:46

but the specialists have around 8 months of wait time

Polish healthcare in a nutshell but you wait 3 times as long. Fuck that

Update :
Got a referral letter to administer myself to a mental hospital. I've been diagnosed with untreated PTSD, with signs (but not full diagnosis) of bipolar depression, in addition to medication- induced psychosis for when I was taking sertaline and zolpidem together. The referral letter emphasizes that I'm wary of medications due to my previous experience and thus need to be under supervision for starting new pharmacological therapies.

Written by [user id=110592] on 01.01.2025 at 19:05

Update :
Got a referral letter to administer myself to a mental hospital. I've been diagnosed with untreated PTSD, with signs (but not full diagnosis) of bipolar depression, in addition to medication- induced psychosis for when I was taking sertaline and zolpidem together. The referral letter emphasizes that I'm wary of medications due to my previous experience and thus need to be under supervision for starting new pharmacological therapies.

First comment here on my part, but thanks a lot for sharing this whole ordeal with us. It's been said above that it's already a great step forward, so please do continue to take care of yourself
Anyway, I don't know which calendar you're using, but I which you the best for this new year,and hope for everything that will lighten your load. That very last post hints for some better care of your condition already, so I hope for the best!

Last update :
The worst of it has passed and I feel safely away from suicide.

I would like to thank everyone who reached out and checked on me. It really feels something when the community you've been a member of cares about you.

Since this account now is associated with suicidal thoughts, I no longer feel comfortable keeping it around and will delete it. I'll see if I join with another account at some point.

Cheers.

Written by [user id=110592] on 06.01.2025 at 22:09

Since this account now is associated with suicidal thoughts, I no longer feel comfortable keeping it around and will delete it. I'll see if I join with another account at some point.

I don’t want to put any pressure on you because, first and foremost, you need to take care of yourself. That’s the most important thing.
Still, it would be great if you came back at some point. Whenever you want and whenever you’re able.
We’ll be here waiting for you.

Written by [user id=110592] on 06.01.2025 at 22:09

Since this account now is associated with suicidal thoughts

It's also associated with overcoming suicidal thoughts. But, it's all up to you. We are all very glad that things are getting better for you.

Written by [user id=110592] on 06.01.2025 at 22:09

Since this account now is associated with suicidal thoughts

Nothing wrong with that. Nikarg put it right, you pulled through. If anything, I'd say this account can serve as a role model. The opposite of something to be ashamed of.

Pretty sure I have been on here with suicidal thoughts, if not other people have. No shame in being open about it.

Pretty much what Starvynth said. It's important to keep a check on you than rather keep a check on your account. Once you're good, everything's good here as well.

Written by [user id=110592] on 06.01.2025 at 22:09

Last update :
The worst of it has passed and I feel safely away from suicide.

I would like to thank everyone who reached out and checked on me. It really feels something when the community you've been a member of cares about you.

Since this account now is associated with suicidal thoughts, I no longer feel comfortable keeping it around and will delete it. I'll see if I join with another account at some point.

Cheers.

Youre the hero of MS!
If you change account let me know so I dont miss out on what YOU think is good music. I dont always agree but I always appreciate youre opinion...............................................