Band:	Protokult
Album:	No Beer In Heaven
Style:	Black metal, Folk metal
Release date:	August 08, 2014
A review by:	Doc G.

01. Get Me a Beer!
02. Heaven Cast Me Out
03. My Father's Word
04. Flight Of The Winged Hussar
05. Sol Intention
06. Edge Of Time
07. Sanctuaries
08. Desert Scourge
09. Gorale
10. Summer's Ode
11. Razbival Okovi Perun
12. Water Of Life

If the Korpiklaani fan club was a violent prison gang, the cruel, painful initiation ritual would be to listen to Protokult's No Beer In Heaven.

To sum Protokult up in a neat little package; it's a messy hodge-podge of Korpiklaani, Arkona, Turisas, Eluveitie, Battlelore and maybe a touch or two of Ensiferum. Basically take any folk metal act that's made it big in the past decade or so, then picture it performed by a teenage tribute band.

Oddly enough, it's not how blatantly derivative No Beer In Heaven is that makes it a cringing listen, it's the mix of poor writing, composition, production and frequently performance...Which really encompasses about 98% of any album. It's a jumbled, mixed bag of cheesy, over-the-top folk metal ideas targeted toward anyone who revels in gimmicky crap. The riffs are largely forgettable, so what's left to focus on is vocals and the arbitrary folk instruments. The male vocals switch purposelessly off between Warlord Nygaard, Jonne Järvelä, and Jari Mäenpää's clean vocals, while the female singing flip-flops to either Tarja Turunen or Masha Arhipova's singing. Much like the rest of the album, the vocals are blatant, yet poor imitations.

If you manage to ignore how derivative No Beer... is (an incredibly difficult task), you still haven't even begun to scratch the surface of what makes this album so bad. Above all else, it's the thoughtlessness of the songwriting. It doesn't sound like Protokult is ripping off exact songs or even melodies or riffs, but various sounds, crammed all together with no identifiable structure or even any attempt made toward climactic compositions. No Beer In Heaven is essentially a folk metal blooper reel.

This is a magical album, however. I've never had my standards lowered so remarkably in so short a time. When the band isn't sounding entirely like an aimless heap of cliches, you think to yourself "well now, this isn't so bad, they almost sound like Arkona/Battlelore/Turisas here." Protokult's best moments are when they're most closely ripping off emulating other artists. That's either a sign of some distinct fanboy-ism going into the song writing, or a complete lack of ambition.

Go listen to any other big-name folk metal act, guaranteed they're doing a better version of this.