Band:	Striborg
Album:	Ghostwoodlands
Style:	Ambient black metal
Release date:	June 28, 2007
A review by:	Deadsoulman

01. Bete Noirs
02. Wandering The Wilderness Of Eternal Misery
03. Light Anomalies In The Phantom Woods
04. With Animosity I Bequeath Thee
05. Sinister Scraping Of The Spectres
06. Ghostwoodlands
07. Descending Into Utter Despair

I can't believe I've made it to the end of this useless piece of rotten excrement. If I hadn't already heard the name of this one-man-band, I could have thought this is a parody, but unfortunately it is not. It wouldn't have been very funny anyway. And yet, as I am finding myself increasingly enjoying black metal (and especially the rawest one) every day, I thought this could do something for me. Well, it doesn't. Actually this may very well be one of the most ridiculous pieces of metal - no, of music - I've ever heard. Ok, I'm not being very fair here. I don't know whether this is good or not. HOW COULD I KNOW IF THIS IS ANY GOOD WHEN I CAN'T HEAR ANYTHING?

I understand the necessity of having a raw production when it serves an artistic purpose. I mean, Lightning Bolt or Darkthrone wouldn't be the same with a crystal clear sound, now would they? But this? This is simply too much. Or not enough. This is even less professional than a live rehearsal recorded on a first generation mobile phone. The hiss you hear in the background is the guitar. Yes, this is noisy, this is annoying, this is painful, this almost made my ears bleed. The vocals? Oh, the vocals. They sound like toilets are flushed in a very deep cave with lots of echo, and then the recording of this sound is forced through some machine that will give it even more echo. It would be laughable if it was not so pathetic. The drums are simply off tempo most of the time, in an "excuse me this is my first drums lesson" kind of way. Only the bass is almost decent - almost.

And now you're gonna tell me: "Collin, you poor dumbass, you don't get it, it's ambient black metal, it's the atmospheres that matter". Yeah I know, but how do you create serious and tripping atmospheres with the keyboard I offered my 4-year old cousin last Christmas? Most interludes only consist of two veeeery looooong notes repeated over and over again. It is not atmospheric, it is stratospherically boring. When I think of it, every song consists of two simplistic riffs repeated over and over again. I found going through the twenty minutes of "Wandering The Wilderness Of Eternal Misery" was ten times as hard as quitting smoking. I assume all this was meant to be some sort of scary horror movie soundtrack, but to me this is the sonic equivalent of an Ed Wood film, if you see what I mean. I see you coming: "Collin, you lame loser, this is art!". Well, nowadays every other dumbass with illusions of grandeur calls himself an artist. A few years ago some Italian guy shat in a box, called it "art", and sold it for millions of dollars. So, excuse me.

I'm not going to waste any more of my time on this pathetic attempt at being grim. The fact that this is released by a serious label (Displeased Records, how could you commit this?) leaves me speechless. I can't believe someone proposes something that shows so much disrespect for the listeners and for the music. Please Mr Sin-Nanna, stop pretending you make music, my toilet brush shows more talent than this turd you're releasing.


PS: I give this? thing (I refuse to call it an album) 2 points for the two grammar mistakes in the first song title - it's "Bête Noire", not "Bete Noirs" - that made me laugh a little.