Ahaha that was an unexpected ending

Written by Elio on 15.06.2009 at 16:45

Ahaha that was an unexpected ending

yeah it reminds me of this http://kuvaton.com/kuvei/pimple.jpg

Written by X-Ray Rod on 05.06.2009 at 18:08

What's funnier than a dead baby?











TWO dead babies!

Yeah.... bad joke, whatever.

what's the difference between a rock and a dead baby?

you can't have sex with a rock.



What do you do after you rape a silent and deaf 4 year old?

you cut off her arms so she wouldn't tell on you.

Written by Smurfophagist on 15.06.2009 at 18:20

what's the difference between a rock and a dead baby?

you can't have sex with a rock.



What do you do after you rape a silent and deaf 4 year old?

you cut off her arms so she wouldn't tell on you.

The second one was ok... But the first one, damn... fucking brilliant XD

Man, someone should compile all the fucked up dead baby or incest-related jokes that were said here...

Haha those with the babies were funny!

Oh yeh...forgot one....here it is...

An alcoholic is visiting another poor alcoholic in a very poor flat....there is no furniture, there is no bed, just a mattress on the floor and beer and gin bottles and cans everywhere around the floor, garbage all around and stuff....

The dude notices there's a hammer hanging by a rope from a nail jammed into the wall and asks what it is for. The other dude answers "That's the clock."
"How does it work?"

The dude who lives in the flat rises, goes to the wall, takes the hammer and bangs few times on the wall. An angry scream sounds from beyond the wall "WHAT THE FUCK! IT'S FUCKING HALF PAST ONE AT NIGHT AND YOU'RE BEATING THE WALLS IN AGAIN YOU ALCY PIECE OF SHITE!"

@Viggo: lol some clock

A disgruntled bitter old man goes to the local store to buy some cat food. he takes 3 cans of cat food and goes to check out, but the woman at the counter says:
"i'm sorry, but you'll need to prove you have a cat, many people eat the cat food and our management doesn't want that"
the next day he brings his cat to the store and buys the food.
the next day he goes to the store to buy food for his dog. he takes 3 cans of dog food and goes to check out, but the woman at the counter says:
"i'm sorry, but you'll need to prove you have a dog, many people eat the dog food and our management doesn't want that"
the next day he brings his dog to the store and buys the food.
the next day he goes to the store and brings along a can with a small hole in it. he asks the saleswoman to stick her finger in the can.
"but what if you have a snake in it?"
to which the man replies it's nothing like that. she should just put the finger in the hole and smell it afterwards.
she puts the finger in the hole, feels like there's something there, pulls it out and sniffs it and surprise:
"fuck! this smells like shit!"
to which the man replies: "that's right, now CAN I BUY SOME FUCKING TOILET PAPER BITCH?"

Bush is at a meeting with Tony Blair trying to convince him of continuing to support the war. - I don't know Bush. And the public opinion? - Don't worry, we will kill 3 million Iraqis and 1 pizza guy. - Why a pizza guy?! - See! No-one cares about 3 million Iraqis!



a satanist biker is riding his chopper down the street. he sees an old woman crossing the street, he passes her, looks behind, bones and blood everywhere. he sees another old woman, he passes her, looks behind, bones and blood everywhere. a few minutes later he sees a priest and thinks he's done enough harm so he decides to take him along on the bike too. a while later he sees another old woman crossing the street, but decides to spare her life and narrowly misses her. he looks back and sees bones and blood everywhere. the priest suddenly says "fuck... did you see that?" "yeah, i did" replies the biker. the priest replies "damn right, i totally maimed the bitch with my baseball bat!"

Lulz poor pizza guy!

0 meets up with his pal, 8. they see each other in the distance and after they salute each other 0 says: hey man, cool belt, is it D&G?

Talking about numbers, here's a shitty joke: 6 is afraid of 7, because 7 8 9. :

What's the hardest part when boiling vegetables?
- Removing the wheel chair

Written by Graveheart on 22.06.2009 at 14:28

What's the hardest part when boiling vegetables?
- Removing the wheel chair

Hohoho.. ^^ *grim*

Jesus has just been crucified and calls out to St. Peter:
"Peter, come here, I have to tell you something."
Peter steps forward but the guards tell him if he makes another step they will cut off his arms. Peter bravely steps forward and extends his arms, the guards cut them off. Jesus again says:
"Peter, come here, I have to tell you something."
Peter steps forward but again the guards stop him and say that if he makes another step they will cut off his legs. Peter so close to the blessed one and he decides to make the sacrifice and bravely steps forward the guards cut off his legs and he rolls over his mutilated body under he cross:
"Yes, my lord, tell me."
Jesus staring at the scenery says:
"Peter, I can see your house from here."

Written by Nimlot on 23.06.2009 at 20:22

Jesus has just been crucified and calls out to St. Peter:
"Peter, come here, I have to tell you something."
Peter steps forward but the guards tell him if he makes another step they will cut off his arms. Peter bravely steps forward and extends his arms, the guards cut them off. Jesus again says:
"Peter, come here, I have to tell you something."
Peter steps forward but again the guards stop him and say that if he makes another step they will cut off his legs. Peter so close to the blessed one and he decides to make the sacrifice and bravely steps forward the guards cut off his legs and he rolls over his mutilated body under he cross:
"Yes, my lord, tell me."
Jesus staring at the scenery says:
"Peter, I can see your house from here."

jajaja I think this is the most popular joke around the world

Not sure whether it's been posted before...

What's the pig doing on the roof top?






Swine Flu

Written by Winterfog on 23.06.2009 at 23:02

Written by Nimlot on 23.06.2009 at 20:22

Jesus has just been crucified and calls out to St. Peter:
"Peter, come here, I have to tell you something."
Peter steps forward but the guards tell him if he makes another step they will cut off his arms. Peter bravely steps forward and extends his arms, the guards cut them off. Jesus again says:
"Peter, come here, I have to tell you something."
Peter steps forward but again the guards stop him and say that if he makes another step they will cut off his legs. Peter so close to the blessed one and he decides to make the sacrifice and bravely steps forward the guards cut off his legs and he rolls over his mutilated body under he cross:
"Yes, my lord, tell me."
Jesus staring at the scenery says:
"Peter, I can see your house from here."

jajaja I think this is the most popular joke around the world

Yeah, I think I said it here once before, (maybe in Junkyard in previous forum).. But it's a popular joke anyway. I've heard it was Jesus and Judith and not Peter.

Written by Hamird on 24.06.2009 at 15:58

Written by Winterfog on 23.06.2009 at 23:02

Written by Nimlot on 23.06.2009 at 20:22

Jesus has just been crucified and calls out to St. Peter:
"Peter, come here, I have to tell you something."
Peter steps forward but the guards tell him if he makes another step they will cut off his arms. Peter bravely steps forward and extends his arms, the guards cut them off. Jesus again says:
"Peter, come here, I have to tell you something."
Peter steps forward but again the guards stop him and say that if he makes another step they will cut off his legs. Peter so close to the blessed one and he decides to make the sacrifice and bravely steps forward the guards cut off his legs and he rolls over his mutilated body under he cross:
"Yes, my lord, tell me."
Jesus staring at the scenery says:
"Peter, I can see your house from here."

jajaja I think this is the most popular joke around the world

Yeah, I think I said it here once before, (maybe in Junkyard in previous forum).. But it's a popular joke anyway. I've heard it was Jesus and Judith and not Peter.

Strange, in Bulgaria we tell it with Peter, well I didn't see it here but I like this joke a lot so I posted it.

A couple had two little boys, ages 8 and 10, who were excessively mischievous. They were always getting into trouble and their parents knew that, if any mischief occurred in their town, their sons were probably involved. They boys' mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The clergyman agreed, but asked to see them individually. So the mother sent her 8-year-old first, in the morning, the older boy was supposed to see the clergyman in the afternoon. The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?". They boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there with his mouth hanging open, wide-eyed. So the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God!!?" Again the boy made no attempt to answer. So the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "WHERE IS GOD!?" The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?" The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time, dude. God is missing - and they think WE did it!"

Written by Nimlot on 24.06.2009 at 21:36

A couple had two little boys, ages 8 and 10, who were excessively mischievous. They were always getting into trouble and their parents knew that, if any mischief occurred in their town, their sons were probably involved. They boys' mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The clergyman agreed, but asked to see them individually. So the mother sent her 8-year-old first, in the morning, the older boy was supposed to see the clergyman in the afternoon. The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?". They boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there with his mouth hanging open, wide-eyed. So the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God!!?" Again the boy made no attempt to answer. So the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "WHERE IS GOD!?" The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?" The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time, dude. God is missing - and they think WE did it!"

that one is great. I wasn't expecting that kind of ending. Nice!

Jjajajajjajaja Dude that was a great joke. It has been such a long time since I laugh at a joke that didn't have gore or dark humor involved.

A supermarket had a bomb threat....the police and the bomb squad rushed at the scene...a bunch of journalists as well....The police blocked the journalists' way and refused to let them nearer....
"We need to get through!" said the journalists.
"It's forbidden...no one is allowed to enter!" said the police.
"But we want to know what's happening!" said the journalists.
"Well read the tomorrow's newspapers then!" answered the police officers....

In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.
On a Sears hairdryer -- Do not use while sleeping. (Darn, and that's the only time I have to work on my hair).
On a bag of Fritos -- You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (the shoplifter special)?
On a bar of Dial soap -- "Directions: Use like regular soap." (and that would be how???.....)
On some Swanson frozen dinners -- "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (but, it's "just" a suggestion).
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) -- "Do not turn upside down." (well...duh, a bit late, huh)!
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding - "Product will be hot after heating." (...and you thought????....)
On packaging for a Rowenta iron -- "Do not iron clothes on body." (but wouldn't this save me more time)?
On Boot's Children Cough Medicine -- "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)
On Nytol Sleep Aid -- "Warning: May cause drowsiness..." (and...I'm taking this because???....)
On most brands of Christmas lights -- "For indoor or outdoor use only." (as opposed to...what)?
On a Japanese food processor -- "Not to be used for the other use." (now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)
On Sainsbury's peanuts -- "Warning: contains nuts." (talk about a news flash)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts -- "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)
On a child's Superman costume -- "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." (I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)
On a Swedish chainsaw -- "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals." (Oh my God...was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)

Learn Chinese in 5 Minutes

That's not right...
Sum Ting Wong

Are you harboring a fugitive?...
Hu Yu Hai Ding?

See me ASAP...
Kum Hia Nao

Stupid Man...
Dum Gai

Small Horse...
Tai Ni Po Ni

Did you go to the beach?...
Wai Yu So Tan?

I bumped into a coffee table...
Ai Bang Mai Ni

I think you need a face lift...
Chin Tu Fat

It's very dark in here...
Wai So Dim?

I thought you were on a diet...
Wai Yu Mun Ching?

This is a tow away zone...
No Pah King

Our meeting is scheduled for next week...
Wai Yu Kum Nao?

Staying out of sight...
Lei Ying Lo

He's cleaning his automobile...
Wa Shing Ka

Your body odor is offensive...
Yu Stin Ki Pu

Written by Nimlot on 25.06.2009 at 08:34

On a Swedish chainsaw -- "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals." (Oh my God...was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)

Well, you know what they say: shit happens ouch!

Written by Nimlot on 25.06.2009 at 08:34

Learn Chinese in 5 Minutes

I bumped into a coffee table...
Ai Bang Mai Ni

Haha, that was the best one. I'm ready to go to China now!

Written by Nimlot on 25.06.2009 at 08:34

Learn Chinese in 5 Minutes

That's not right...
Sum Ting Wong

Dopesn't look nor sound Chinese to me.....it's more probably Cantonese or some South-East Asian language or dialect....

Written by Ernis on 25.06.2009 at 10:31

Written by Nimlot on 25.06.2009 at 08:34

Learn Chinese in 5 Minutes

That's not right...
Sum Ting Wong

Dopesn't look nor sound Chinese to me.....it's more probably Cantonese or some South-East Asian language or dialect....

No offence meant, sorry... It's just a joke I found on the internet.

Written by Nimlot on 25.06.2009 at 11:59

Written by Ernis on 25.06.2009 at 10:31

Written by Nimlot on 25.06.2009 at 08:34

Learn Chinese in 5 Minutes

That's not right...
Sum Ting Wong

Dopesn't look nor sound Chinese to me.....it's more probably Cantonese or some South-East Asian language or dialect....

No offence meant, sorry... It's just a joke I found on the internet.

Nah, it's ok....

I've seen the text before myself....
mayb ye also know that one

Just tilt your head to the right....

(To be honest, only bout five of them look like actual existing characters...)

Ok...joke time...

A newly rich person comes to a lower class foodstore and asks from the shop assistant "What are these?"
"These are apples."
"Fine, I'll have ten kilograms of these and make sure you wash every one of them thoroughly and wrap in a separate tissue. And what are these?"
"Oranges..."
"Splendid. I'll have ten kilograms of them as well and, of course, wash them well too and wrap every single one in a tissue. And what are these on the table?"
"Raisins. But we ain't selling them today."

Written by Ernis on 25.06.2009 at 12:10

Ok...joke time...

A newly rich person comes to a lower class foodstore and asks from the shop assistant "What are these?"
"These are apples."
"Fine, I'll have ten kilograms of these and make sure you wash every one of them thoroughly and wrap in a separate tissue. And what are these?"
"Oranges..."
"Splendid. I'll have ten kilograms of them as well and, of course, wash them well too and wrap every single one in a tissue. And what are these on the table?"
"Raisins. But we ain't selling them today."

lol, if I was the poor guy I would do the same thing for sure.. Because no one is that stupid to wrap ten kilograms of raisins..

Written by Hamird on 26.06.2009 at 09:54

Written by Ernis on 25.06.2009 at 12:10

Ok...joke time...

A newly rich person comes to a lower class foodstore and asks from the shop assistant "What are these?"
"These are apples."
"Fine, I'll have ten kilograms of these and make sure you wash every one of them thoroughly and wrap in a separate tissue. And what are these?"
"Oranges..."
"Splendid. I'll have ten kilograms of them as well and, of course, wash them well too and wrap every single one in a tissue. And what are these on the table?"
"Raisins. But we ain't selling them today."

lol, if I was the poor guy I would do the same thing for sure.. Because no one is that stupid to wrap ten kilograms of raisins..

The Russian version of the joke had the rich client have the fruits wrapped in tissue with a silk ribbon tied around every one...