A hunter goes into the woods hunting for a bear. When he is deep in the woods he feels a tap on his shoulder. He turns to see an enormous grizzly towering above him. Before he can fire, the beast rips the rifle out of his hands and proceeds to sodomize him. Mortified, the hunter retreats to his cabin, arms himself with a double-barrelled shotgun, and races back into the woods to find and kill his furry assailant. But once again, the bear sneaks up behind the hunter, pulls the weapon from his hands and has his lusty way with him. Undeterred, the hunter equips himself with a machine gun and treks back into the woods where he is again ambushed, disarmed and defiled by the bear. Now, apoplectic with moral outrage, the hunter flies to a third world country where he buys a heat-seeking, shoulder-launched, nuclear-tipped rocket from an international arms dealer. Convinced he finally has the upper hand, he returns to the woods, tracks the bear to his lair and patiently waits to vaporize him. And yes, again, the bear surprises, disarms and sexually assaults him. But this time, before the hunter can run off to acquire more lethal armaments, the bear enfolds him in his massive arms and says, "You don't really come out here to hunt, do ya?"

ALWAYS TRUST YOUR INSTINCTS

When I was 14, I wanted a girlfriend with big boobs.
When I was 16, I had a girlfriend with big boobs, but there was something missing in our relationship. I wanted a girlfriend who was passionate and intense.
When I was 20, I had a passionate girlfriend, but she was much too emotional. She made a huge drama out of every single issue and often threatened me with suicide. I wanted a relationship with stability and security.
When I was 25, I found a stable girlfriend, but she was boring. Everything she did or said was predictable. I wanted an exciting girlfriend.
When I was 30, I found an exciting girlfriend. She cheated on me on regular basis and was incapable of commitment and of making plans for the future. I wanted a girlfriend with goals in life.
When I was 35, I found someone with lots of ambition. She was smart and progressive. We got married, divorced and she took everything I had.

Now that I'm older and wiser, I'm looking for a girlfriend with big boobs.

Written by Graveheart on 05.07.2009 at 00:43

ALWAYS TRUST YOUR INSTINCTS

When I was 14, I wanted a girlfriend with big boobs.
When I was 16, I had a girlfriend with big boobs, but there was something missing in our relationship. I wanted a girlfriend who was passionate and intense.
When I was 20, I had a passionate girlfriend, but she was much too emotional. She made a huge drama out of every single issue and often threatened me with suicide. I wanted a relationship with stability and security.
When I was 25, I found a stable girlfriend, but she was boring. Everything she did or said was predictable. I wanted an exciting girlfriend.
When I was 30, I found an exciting girlfriend. She cheated on me on regular basis and was incapable of commitment and of making plans for the future. I wanted a girlfriend with goals in life.
When I was 35, I found someone with lots of ambition. She was smart and progressive. We got married, divorced and she took everything I had.

Now that I'm older and wiser, I'm looking for a girlfriend with big boobs.

Totally true, though I think I already skipped 15 yrs. I just want a gf with big boos

Written by tulkas on 05.07.2009 at 01:08

Written by Graveheart on 05.07.2009 at 00:43

ALWAYS TRUST YOUR INSTINCTS

When I was 14, I wanted a girlfriend with big boobs.
When I was 16, I had a girlfriend with big boobs, but there was something missing in our relationship. I wanted a girlfriend who was passionate and intense.
When I was 20, I had a passionate girlfriend, but she was much too emotional. She made a huge drama out of every single issue and often threatened me with suicide. I wanted a relationship with stability and security.
When I was 25, I found a stable girlfriend, but she was boring. Everything she did or said was predictable. I wanted an exciting girlfriend.
When I was 30, I found an exciting girlfriend. She cheated on me on regular basis and was incapable of commitment and of making plans for the future. I wanted a girlfriend with goals in life.
When I was 35, I found someone with lots of ambition. She was smart and progressive. We got married, divorced and she took everything I had.

Now that I'm older and wiser, I'm looking for a girlfriend with big boobs.

Totally true, though I think I already skipped 15 yrs. I just want a gf with big boos

ur are a wise man if u find it, ask if she has a sister

Written by Fhuesc on 05.07.2009 at 05:32

Written by tulkas on 05.07.2009 at 01:08

Written by Graveheart on 05.07.2009 at 00:43

ALWAYS TRUST YOUR INSTINCTS

When I was 14, I wanted a girlfriend with big boobs.
When I was 16, I had a girlfriend with big boobs, but there was something missing in our relationship. I wanted a girlfriend who was passionate and intense.
When I was 20, I had a passionate girlfriend, but she was much too emotional. She made a huge drama out of every single issue and often threatened me with suicide. I wanted a relationship with stability and security.
When I was 25, I found a stable girlfriend, but she was boring. Everything she did or said was predictable. I wanted an exciting girlfriend.
When I was 30, I found an exciting girlfriend. She cheated on me on regular basis and was incapable of commitment and of making plans for the future. I wanted a girlfriend with goals in life.
When I was 35, I found someone with lots of ambition. She was smart and progressive. We got married, divorced and she took everything I had.

Now that I'm older and wiser, I'm looking for a girlfriend with big boobs.

Totally true, though I think I already skipped 15 yrs. I just want a gf with big boos

ur are a wise man if u find it, ask if she has a sister

And I will aim for the cusins

Written by tulkas on 03.07.2009 at 04:46

A hunter goes into the woods hunting for a bear. When he is deep in the woods he feels a tap on his shoulder. He turns to see an enormous grizzly towering above him. Before he can fire, the beast rips the rifle out of his hands and proceeds to sodomize him. Mortified, the hunter retreats to his cabin, arms himself with a double-barrelled shotgun, and races back into the woods to find and kill his furry assailant. But once again, the bear sneaks up behind the hunter, pulls the weapon from his hands and has his lusty way with him. Undeterred, the hunter equips himself with a machine gun and treks back into the woods where he is again ambushed, disarmed and defiled by the bear. Now, apoplectic with moral outrage, the hunter flies to a third world country where he buys a heat-seeking, shoulder-launched, nuclear-tipped rocket from an international arms dealer. Convinced he finally has the upper hand, he returns to the woods, tracks the bear to his lair and patiently waits to vaporize him. And yes, again, the bear surprises, disarms and sexually assaults him. But this time, before the hunter can run off to acquire more lethal armaments, the bear enfolds him in his massive arms and says, "You don't really come out here to hunt, do ya?"

hahahh, i love this senseless kind of jokes

Students are writing a test at university. The professor announces "There is only 2 minutes left for finishing the test. The test of those who will not manage to present their work on time will not be accepted!"
Everyone tries to write as much as possible until the bell and then all give their works away. Only one student continues writing calmly. After having finished he goes to the professor and hands him the work.

"I am not going to assess your work. You did not give it on time." says the professor.
"Do you know who I am?" asks the student.
"No, and I don't care anyway!"
"Splendid," says the student after having slipped his paper inside the pile between the works of other students....

Written by Ernis on 16.07.2009 at 19:48

Students are writing a test at university. The professor announces "There is only 2 minutes left for finishing the test. The test of those who will not manage to present their work on time will not be accepted!"
Everyone tries to write as much as possible until the bell and then all give their works away. Only one student continues writing calmly. After having finished he goes to the professor and hands him the work.

"I am not going to assess your work. You did not give it on time." says the professor.
"Do you know who I am?" asks the student.
"No, and I don't care anyway!"
"Splendid," says the student after having slipped his paper inside the pile between the works of other students....

I don't think I get it... haha

Written by tulkas on 16.07.2009 at 21:03

I don't think I get it... haha

The professor doesn't know the name of the student...since the student slipped his work between all the other papers there's no way for the professor to identify which was written by him....

I got a joke 4 ya.

What were Michael Jackson's First words when he went to heaven?

"Where is baby jesus"

That Michael Jackson one made me remember this one my buddy told me a week or so ago.

"Celebrities die in threes, but you can count on Billy Mays to throw one in FREE OF CHARGE."

Written by Firebringer on 16.07.2009 at 21:27

I got a joke 4 ya.

What were Michael Jackson's First words when he went to heaven?

"Where is baby jesus"

That's a very famous joke good one

Written by Piro on 16.07.2009 at 22:02

That Michael Jackson one made me remember this one my buddy told me a week or so ago.

"Celebrities die in threes, but you can count on Billy Mays to throw one in FREE OF CHARGE."

Rofl.

Okay, I got a couple.

Two kids come downstairs on Christmas morning. One child has received 12 presents while the other one has only received a single one.
The child with twelve presents turns to his sibling, and says smugly, "Hah, I got more presents than you."
The child with one present replies, "Yeah, but I don't have cancer."

--

How do you know if a white man's been in your house?
He's claimed your property and has kicked you out by the time you come home from work.

This isn't really a joke, but christmas reminded me of this. More of a short, but funny story (hope these are allowed ) Anyway, this is straight from a CCD class my parents dragged me too years ago.

------
What are talents? Yes?
-- Stuff you're naturally good at.
Okay, but so are they ever good if you don't use them?
-- Well yea, why not? Always good to have them, even if you don't use them right?

Okay, now what about if on Christmas morning, you get a bunch of presents, but one big present. You open all the small ones, and love them.
--Okay...
You take the big present and put it in your locker.
--Where are you going with this lady?
A week later, you don't take it out. Its still sealed.
What good has it done?
--Well... none.
Okay, so now after a year you finally open the box, and are really disspaointed you didn't open it earlier. It would be great to have a year ago, but now it's no longer good. You see, what could, for example, have been in this box.


*At this point, my best friend randomly lifts his head and instantly says"
--Dead Dog. Yea.

Uber Lulz followed this.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zSiI3YhG6ps&feature=related

The translation of the video is a joke itself....

"You need to suck it out"


"So, lady, car broke down?"
"Well it ran out of gas. Can you help me out by adding some, at least one litre or something."
"Well yes, but it needs to be sucked out first/but you need to suck it."
"Suck? Just for one litre of gas?"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OOmI0OyKmhI&feature=related

"Toilet paper"


"Young man, can I have you for a moment?"
"What will you drink?"
"I ain't for that. Who is the owner of that place?"
"But what's the matter?"
"Can it be you?"
"Maybe me, maybe not."
"But when will the owner be here?"
"Tomorrow."
"Tomorrow."
"...."
"Well, then tell him...that there's no toilet paper in the ladies' room."


*Merry stories from café Rendez-vous*

I heard some funny jokes today ^^

I came home from work yesterday and I saw my wife looking through my encyclopedia.
She said, "How comes it always falls open on the pages with dirty words?"
I said, "That's nothing - on the pages with dirty pictures it doesn't open at all!"

Just had a water fight over the park with a bunch of local kids.
I won!
No one's a match for me and my kettle.

R Kelly.
Taking the art out of rap artist.

A family are driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windscreen.
Embarrassed, and to spare her young son's innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry; that was an insect."
To which, her son replies, "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that."

Written by Necrogeddon on 18.07.2009 at 01:52

A family are driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windscreen.
Embarrassed, and to spare her young son's innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry; that was an insect."
To which, her son replies, "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that."

Hahaha, Those jokes are the best when the kid turns out more "knowledgeable" than the parents Which reminds me:

A kid was playing ball in his backyard, and his granny was sitting out there, peeling potatoes. She was wearing a skirt and had forgotten to put on her underwear. So the kid was fooling around with his ball, when it rolled right between her granny's legs, below her skirt, and so the kid stopped and kept staring at her, and said "grandma, what'd you have there?" "nothing, kid", just as she closed her legs. "Come on, grandma, what do you have there?", "I said nothing", "oh, grandma, what is it?". And so knowing that he wouldn't give up she says, "Ok, I got hit with an axe", and the kid answers, "oh, gradma, but they hit you right in your pussy"

Written by tulkas on 18.07.2009 at 02:12

A kid was playing ball in his backyard, and his granny was sitting out there, peeling potatoes. She was wearing a skirt and had forgotten to put on her underwear. So the kid was fooling around with his ball, when it rolled right between her granny's legs, below her skirt, and so the kid stopped and kept staring at her, and said "grandma, what'd you have there?" "nothing, kid", just as she closed her legs. "Come on, grandma, what do you have there?", "I said nothing", "oh, grandma, what is it?". And so knowing that he wouldn't give up she says, "Ok, I got hit with an axe", and the kid answers, "oh, gradma, but they hit you right in your pussy"

Ergh but also

Why should you never put a baby head first in a blender?

Because, if you do, you miss the expression on it's face.

Written by tulkas on 18.07.2009 at 02:12

Written by Necrogeddon on 18.07.2009 at 01:52

A family are driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windscreen.
Embarrassed, and to spare her young son's innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry; that was an insect."
To which, her son replies, "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that."

Hahaha, Those jokes are the best when the kid turns out more "knowledgeable" than the parents Which reminds me:

A kid was playing ball in his backyard, and his granny was sitting out there, peeling potatoes. She was wearing a skirt and had forgotten to put on her underwear. So the kid was fooling around with his ball, when it rolled right between her granny's legs, below her skirt, and so the kid stopped and kept staring at her, and said "grandma, what'd you have there?" "nothing, kid", just as she closed her legs. "Come on, grandma, what do you have there?", "I said nothing", "oh, grandma, what is it?". And so knowing that he wouldn't give up she says, "Ok, I got hit with an axe", and the kid answers, "oh, gradma, but they hit you right in your pussy"

Lol! Poor grandma.

Written by Haddonfield on 18.07.2009 at 02:16

Why should you never put a baby head first in a blender?

Because, if you do, you miss the expression on it's face.

O man... I was thinking about that for months. Thank you for clearing that up!!!

Old man Zeke was walkin' down the road to his shack in the woods when suddenly he hears somethin' strange happenin'. he looks to the left and sees Bubba beating the shit out of his wife.
"Hey Bubba, whatchu doin' thar?"
"Nothin', just fixin' mah washin' machine"

How to learn Chinese in five minutes:

1 - That's not right - Sum ting wong
2 - See me ASAP - Kum hia nao
3 - Small horse - Tai ni po ni
4 - You need a facelift - Chin tu fat
5 - I thought you were on a diet - Wai yu mun ching
6 - He's cleaning the car - Wa shing ka
7 - Your body odour is offensive - Yu stin ki pu
8 - This is a tow away zone - No pah king
9 - Stupid man - Dum fuk
10 - Great - Fa kin su pah

A friend told me this one and I remembered it today:

Q: why are dicks so nutritive?
A: because they're of meat, taste like chicken and smell like fish

Estonian, Russian and German are together in jail and they are told that the one who build the best toilet for the staff will be released. They can choose from three materials, gold, silver and wood. Russian gets the first pick and takes gold, German then takes silver and they leave lumber for Estonian. When the toilets are ready, the boss comes to test. There was enough gold only for one wall and the toilet pot so everyone sees and laughs at the boss....German only had enough silver for two walls and the pot so once again everyone saw the boss and laughed.
Then goes into the Estonian's wooden toilet which is whole but falling apart any moment. In the darkness his trousers get stuck to a nail and fall down. "Oh, it's automatic." he thinks. After he's done and rises from the seat his trousers stuck behind a nail get pulled up. "Oh, automatic."
When he leaves the toilet, he accidentally bumps it and causes it to collapse completely. "Oh, and it's even portable."


German, French, British and Irish are flying on a plane that starts to lose altitude. In order to save the passengers the weight of the plane must be reduced. German shouts, "Long live Germany!" and jumps off, French exclaims "Vive la France!" and jumps off...Irish says "Éirinn go brea!" and throws the British out of the plane....

Haha, just had this one told to me and thought it was pretty humorous ...

Some years ago I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected:
A half-gallon of 2% milk
A carton of eggs
A quart of orange juice
A head of lettuce
A 2 lb can of coffee
& 1 lb package of bacon

As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated, 'You must be single.'


I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since I was indeed single. I looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about my selections that could have tipped off the drunk to my marital status.
Curiosity getting the better of me, I said: 'Well, you know what, you're absolutely right! I am single, but how on earth did you know that?'


The drunk replied, 'Cause you're ugly.'

Written by Nexus on 30.07.2009 at 19:48


The drunk replied, 'Cause you're ugly.'

That's a good one. Reminds me of another one with a drunk dude as well.

There's a drunk sitting on the street just puking his guts out, and a woman that was passing by him so he says to her, ugh, what an ugly woman you are, you are just hideous, so the woman, all startled by his words says to him, ugh, you horrible drunk guy puking, ugh, disgusting. And the drunk guy responds back and says, at least I'll be ok again tomorrow morning.

This is a joke for Ensiferum fans.

-"Quick, think of something metal!"
-"Uh, Uh, Uh... sweaty men on stage in kilts playing a song about a magic potion."

Written by Ernis on 28.07.2009 at 21:18

...Irish says "Éirinn go brea!"

What does it mean?

Written by AiwiAstwihad on 02.08.2009 at 19:34

Written by Ernis on 28.07.2009 at 21:18

...Irish says "Éirinn go brea!"

What does it mean?

Éirinn is Ireland in Irish...brea should mean nice/lovely/excellent/grand....
A competing spelling/sentence is Éirinn go brách (and also Erin go brah and similar ones..)...all of the variations have an average meaning of "Ey Ireland!"
But since most Irish people can't speak Irish anyway for a couple of centuries the exact meaning of the sentence should be not that important anyway....