Written by Ernis on 20.06.2010 at 23:42

A monk sits on the roof of a church that has been hit by a flood. A boat moves past him and the people on the boat say "Hei! Get on the boat, we're escaping the flood." The monk answers "No need. I'll sit here, God will take care of me."
A helicopter flies by and the pilot says "Hei! I'll throw you a rope, just get up here!"
The monk says "No need! God will help me."
A large wave flows over the church roof and the monk gets killed. He asks God afterwards "Why didn't you help me then?!"
"... First I sent you a boat... I even sent you a HELICOPTER! You ignored it all..."

50 Ways To Annoy A Metalhead


1.Tell them every metal band worships the devil.
2. Ask if all black metal bands are trying to copy KISS or just most of them.
3. Hide their joint under their library card.
4. Ask if they know of any other cool bands like Slipknot.
5. If they're listening to metal, tell them it sounds like some mainstream band. Doesn't matter who.
6. Say it's all a rip off of Iron Butterfly anyway.
7. Ask if they've given their souls to Jesus yet.
8. Vaguely imply that you're gay and would like their company for the evening.
9. Record over their Cannibal Corpse albums with other Cannibal Corpse albums and see if they ever notice the difference.
10. Refuse to accept their fake I.D.
11. Ask how much Dio got paid for his role as Stuart Little.
12. Use the phrase "cookie monster vocals" and act like it's the funniest, most original thing you've ever come up with.
13. If they're listening to metal, tell them "These guys don't have talent. Now (insert any mainstream band here), those guys have talent!"
14. Say "What is vinyl?"
15. Point out how homosexual Manowar is. If they agree, tell them the only thing more homosexual is Black Sabbath with Dio.
16. Tell them it all sounds the same.
17. Admit that Cliff Burton was a dirty hippy who had already peaked musically.
18. If they say they love 80s metal, ask them what ever happened to Poison.
19. Tell them you like underground music too, like (insert the newest overhyped fashionable loud-ish band from the radio)
20. Point out that Tarja from Nightwish can't sing.
21. Insist that Emperor videos would be better if they used a dance troupe.
22. Ask if Mayhem is Marilyn Manson's band.
23. Divert their CD shipments to the local Jewish community center.
24. Write "God Loves You" on their Venom backpatch.
25. Point out that just about every genre of music has an underground with bands who have integrity, so metal really isn't that unique.
26. Post under their nickname on a power metal board and say Ray Alder nutss all over John Arch.
27. Take out the Iron Maiden disc and put in 50 Cent.
28. Give them a spiky pop-punk haircut while they sleep.
29. Pronounce "Celtic Frost" correctly.
30. If they're over 25, say that people can still rock even if they have an unplanned child or two and drive a grocery getter. Then point and laugh.
31. Tell them you're not hiring and to try the other Cinnabon down the street.
32. Sit quietly and applaud politely at a metal show.
33. Make them be sober for five whole seconds.
34. Ask if Randy Rhoads was on the same flight as John Denver.
35. Tell them Korn brought metal back to life in the 90s.
36. Turn the bass way up on their stereo.
37. Laugh at Slayer for stealing their name from the Buffy show.
38. Call Doro fat.
39. Call them on their horrible grammar and/or spelling.
40. Remind them that metal is partially derived from the blues. Then accuse them of being w**ggers.
41. Use the phrase "balls in a vice" at least three times when talking about classic metal and/or power metal vocalists.
42. If it's a guy with long hair, address him as if he were female. Don't correct yourself about it.
43. Be impressed with how much RoadRunner Records has improved over the past ten years.
44. Say you love Metallica's debut, The Black Album.
45. Notice that Lemmy hasn't moved his left hand in 30 years of playing bass.
46. Refer to metal as "that kill-your-father rape-your-mother stuff."
47. Ask them if their favorite band is so good, how come nobody has ever heard of them.
48. Pine for the good old days when Pour Some Sugar On Me was a big hit.
49. Tell them you used to be a metalhead, but grew out of it when you started listening to more intellectual stuff like (insert any band at all here)
50. Post a list of "Ways To Annoy Metal Fans" knowing full well that so many of them internalize everything and can't take a joke.

Written by [user id=17278] on 24.06.2010 at 19:34

29. Pronounce "Celtic Frost" correctly.

ahhahhahhahahahahhahahah it would sound actually like "keltic frost" now that would be really fucking annoying because everyone's reflex is to pronounce it the "natural" way ahah

Written by Valentin B on 25.06.2010 at 09:04

Written by [user id=17278] on 24.06.2010 at 19:34

29. Pronounce "Celtic Frost" correctly.

ahhahhahhahahahahhahahah it would sound actually like "keltic frost" now that would be really fucking annoying because everyone's reflex is to pronounce it the "natural" way ahah

I've always known it's "Keltic frost" not "Seltic"... who teh hell pronounces it with an S? The French?

I do

About football -- you see such names in tablo
Por 0-0 Bra

Written by Ernis on 25.06.2010 at 16:24

I've always known it's "Keltic frost" not "Seltic"... who teh hell pronounces it with an S? The French?

Americans do. They insist on pronouncing the name of the Boston NBA franchise as the "Seltics" as well. Drives me friggin' nuts. The "C" is hard FFS.

Written by Derwood on 26.06.2010 at 01:56

Written by Ernis on 25.06.2010 at 16:24

I've always known it's "Keltic frost" not "Seltic"... who teh hell pronounces it with an S? The French?

Americans do. They insist on pronouncing the name of the Boston NBA franchise as the "Seltics" as well. Drives me friggin' nuts. The "C" is hard FFS.

i can't say about americans, but i can't see how for non-native english speakers can possibly be blamed for automatically pronouncing it like "seltic" (i'm not pointing any fingers here, it's just that that is pretty much the case)

Written by [user id=17278] on 24.06.2010 at 19:34


9. Record over their Cannibal Corpse albums with other Cannibal Corpse albums and see if they ever notice the difference.

Best of the bunch.

Written by Valentin B on 26.06.2010 at 02:00

i can't say about americans, but i can't see how for non-native english speakers can possibly be blamed for automatically pronouncing it like "seltic" (i'm not pointing any fingers here, it's just that that is pretty much the case)

Yeah, non-native english speakers get a pass on ones like this because normally the "c" would be soft in a word starting "ce" in english. People born and raised in Boston, however, do not.

Quote:

Written by Valentin B on 26.06.2010 at 02:00

Americans do. They insist on pronouncing the name of the Boston NBA franchise as the "Seltics" as well. Drives me friggin' nuts. The "C" is hard FFS.

i can't say about americans, but i can't see how for non-native english speakers can possibly be blamed for automatically pronouncing it like "seltic" (i'm not pointing any fingers here, it's just that that is pretty much the case)

Because the name "Celt" in my native language is "Kelt" and since it's a Greek/Roman/Celtic name and since the C has always been pronounced there as K then I automatically assume it's K in English as well... in fact it is... during all the years I studied English at school I never heard it being pronounced with an S nor did I ever heard it with an S in films or anywhere...

Yes, the only exception I know where it was pronounced with an S was the NBA franchise... that's all...

PS. Just checked the dictionary... this gives me ˈkɛltɪk as the IPA pronunciation...

Even the Scottish club, Celtic is pronounced 'Seltic'.

It's hard.

Written by The Turbanator on 26.06.2010 at 12:20

Even the Scottish club, Celtic is pronounced 'Seltic'.

It's hard.

That's why I always pronounced it 'Seltic' Frost, mainly because I've overheard people pronouncing that club as 'Seltic'

Written by Kennoth on 26.06.2010 at 16:36

Written by The Turbanator on 26.06.2010 at 12:20

Even the Scottish club, Celtic is pronounced 'Seltic'.

It's hard.

That's why I always pronounced it 'Seltic' Frost, mainly because I've overheard people pronouncing that club as 'Seltic'

Yeah me too. I pronounce 'Celtic' as 'Celtic'.

Written by Ernis on 25.06.2010 at 16:24

I've always known it's "Keltic frost" not "Seltic"... who teh hell pronounces it with an S? The French?

I've always pronounced it as "Seltic" untill read somewhere in MS that it's "K" not "S". Don't know why, it just seemed so from the very first time.

Right boys lets not hijack this thread now.

Three ducks walk into a bar...

The barman says to the first, "whats your name?"
"I'm duey" replies the duck "I need a huge pint of anything, I've been in and out of puddles all day". The barman gives him a pint of his finest.

"Whats your name?", says the barman to duck number two.
"I'm huey", replies the duck, "I need a pint of anything, I've been in and out of puddles all day". The barman serves up another pint of his finest.

"Dont tell me, you must be Luey" says the barman to the third duck.

"No" replies the duck, "I'm Puddles"

No offence to lawyers

Four surgeons were sitting around discussing whothey like to operate on.
The first surgeon said, "I like operating onlibrarians. When you open them up everything is in alphabetical order".
The second surgeon said, "I like operatingon accountants. When you open them up everything is in numerical order".
The third surgeon said, "I like operating onelectricians. When you open them up everything is color coded.
The fourth surgeon said, "I like operatingon lawyers".
The other three surgeons looked at each other indisbelief. One of them asked why
The fourth surgeon replied, "Because theyare heartless, gutless, spineless, and their ass and head are interchangeable".

A gynecologist was getting sick of his job and decided that he needed a career change.
He'd always enjoyed tinkering with engines so thought he'd become a mechanic.
So he went along to mechanics school and the final test was to strip the engine completely and reassemble it back into perfect working order.
So our gynecologist friend did the test and anxiously awaited his results.
The day he received the results, he got quite a surprise -- he got 150%.
He quickly phoned the instructor and asked about the high mark. The instructor said, "No, that's right.
First, I gave you 50% for stripping down the engine -- a very thorough job. Next,
I gave you 50% for reassembling it -- a fantastic job really. And then I gave you a 50% bonus for doing it all through the tail pipe."

One night, a father passed by his son's room and heard his son praying:
"God bless Mommy, Daddy, and Grandma. Ta ta, Grandpa."
The father didn't quite know what this meant, but was glad his son was praying.
The next morning, they found Grandpa dead on the floor of a heart attack.
The father reassured himself that it was just a coincidence, but was still a bit spooked.
The next night, he heard his son praying again: "God bless Mommy and Daddy. Ta ta, Grandma."
The father was worried, but decided to wait until morning.
Sure enough, the next morning Grandma was on the floor, dead of a heart attack.
Really scared now, the father decided to wait outside his son's door the next night.
And sure enough, the boy started to pray: "God bless Mommy. Ta ta, Daddy."
Now the father was crapping his pants. He stayed up all night,
and went to the doctor's early the next day to make sure his health was fine.
When he finally came home, his wife was waiting on the porch.
She said, "Thank God you're here -- we could really use your help! We found the milkman dead on our porch this morning!

Sorry if this is old, but...

Q. What's brown and rhymes with snoop?

A. Dr. Dre

A dude stands in front of the women's hospital and waits. He hears female screams from the window and shouts: "Mary? Who?"
"Germans! 4:0. I almost gave birth!"

"In my house my wife must be like the president."
"The one in charge of everything?"
"No, so that I could choose a new wife every 4 years."

Written by [user id=17278] on 24.06.2010 at 19:34


20. Point out that Tarja from Nightwish can't sing.

What is funny is that my mom says this all the time and she is actually schooled in classical music and has played at the opera house in Stockholm.

Basically, she says that she would get booed off a real opera stage quite fast.

Meh, that's probably why she's in Nightwish, who suck anyways...

Blatter embarrassed by SA government error

FIFA president Sepp Blatter was left embarrassed after receiving an award from the South African government with an unwanted nickname, seemingly taken from his altered Wikipedia entry.


Blatter, 74, was announced on the South African presidency's website as "Joseph Sepp Bellend Blatter" after picking up the Order of The Companions of O R Tambo award for his contribution towards the 2010 World Cup.


http://soccernet.espn.go.com/news/story?id=808979&sec=global&cc=5739

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! OMG my cheeks are hurting!

Written by Kennoth on 19.06.2010 at 15:18

One ghost asks the another:

Do you really think that humans exist?

lol, cant stop laughing, you made it or you find it somewhere ? This is the first joke ever I seen, well, that ghosts involved.

Written by ALL PPL JERK on 18.07.2010 at 19:31

lol, cant stop laughing, you made it or you find it somewhere ? This is the first joke ever I seen, well, that ghosts involved.

Hehe, nah, I've read it somewhere, glad you like it.

This is the only knock knock joke to ever make me laugh.

Knock knock
Who's there?
little boy blue
little boy blue who?
Michael Jackson

I'm not impressed. Though I like the updog one.

How do muslims practice safe sex? Mark the camels that kick!
What do you call a muslim who owns a camel and a goat? Bisexual!
How many guitarists does it take to change a light bulb? 100 - 1 to change it 99 to say "Well i could have done that better"

Written by Rob-EDL on 01.08.2010 at 04:48

How many guitarists does it take to change a light bulb? 100 - 1 to change it 99 to say "Well i could have done that better"

i knew a different version(more of an "inside joke" but still funny nonetheless):

how many guitarists does it take to change a light bulb? 100 - 1 changes it and 99 say "his tone sucks and he doesn't have any feeling, he plays like a robot!!"

Written by Rob-EDL on 01.08.2010 at 04:48

How do muslims practice safe sex? Mark the camels that kick!
What do you call a muslim who owns a camel and a goat? Bisexual!

LOL, i know plenty like that,

Man walks into a sex shop and asks for a blow up doll, he's then asked if he wants the Christian or the Muslim one, the man says whats the difference, the other guy says the muslim one blows it's self up!

Mohammad spent a lot of time up mountains, slaying goats and raping children, Jesus spent a lot of time around the docks and managed to feed the 5000 on fish, And that, people, is the difference between gross prophet and net prophet.

New muslim books available this week are, Finding a job by Asif, Cooking Curry by Ahmed Astink, DIY by Mahroof Isfukd,Inbreeding by Shahag Misitsa and my personal favorite Killing Muslims by Shahoot Dakunt

Written by Rob-EDL on 02.08.2010 at 06:40

LOL, i know plenty like that,

Man walks into a sex shop and asks for a blow up doll, he's then asked if he wants the Christian or the Muslim one, the man says whats the difference, the other guy says the muslim one blows it's self up!

Mohammad spent a lot of time up mountains, slaying goats and raping children, Jesus spent a lot of time around the docks and managed to feed the 5000 on fish, And that, people, is the difference between gross prophet and net prophet.

New muslim books available this week are, Finding a job by Asif, Cooking Curry by Ahmed Astink, DIY by Mahroof Isfukd,Inbreeding by Shahag Misitsa and my personal favorite Killing Muslims by Shahoot Dakunt

beehh not funny