Written by I_Die_Often on 18.09.2010 at 06:20

A man was hired to paint the church steeple.
He figured 6 gallons of paint would do the job.
About half way done, he only had two gallons of paint left.
Knowing this would not be enough paint, he added water to make the paint, he would thin it and make it go further.
So he did.
It didn't cover quite as well, but figuring no one would be able to tell from the ground anyway, he continued.
About 3/4 of the way up, he was down to a little less than one gallon of watered down paint.
He needed to finish the job so he just watered down the paint some more...
This very watered down paint did not cover well at all, very transparent, but probably looked good enough from the ground,
so he continued.
With only a few feet at the top to finish, his paint can was practically empty, he figured if he added just a little more water...
JUST THEN ~ a voice from the heavens booms out!
REPAINT, AND THIN NO MORE!

Well, I didn't really find it amusing

2 drunk men walks in park
one say;'' look there comes 2 gay cops''
other:''why gay?''
1th;''There is many ladies in this park, but thay will stop only us''

Written by I_Die_Often on 18.09.2010 at 06:20

A man was hired to paint the church steeple.
He figured 6 gallons of paint would do the job.
About half way done, he only had two gallons of paint left.
Knowing this would not be enough paint, he added water to make the paint, he would thin it and make it go further.
So he did.
It didn't cover quite as well, but figuring no one would be able to tell from the ground anyway, he continued.
About 3/4 of the way up, he was down to a little less than one gallon of watered down paint.
He needed to finish the job so he just watered down the paint some more...
This very watered down paint did not cover well at all, very transparent, but probably looked good enough from the ground,
so he continued.
With only a few feet at the top to finish, his paint can was practically empty, he figured if he added just a little more water...
JUST THEN ~ a voice from the heavens booms out!
REPAINT, AND THIN NO MORE!

I am not getting the point in here...

Written by Ellrohir on 23.09.2010 at 11:40

I am not getting the point in here...

Me to

Written by Ellrohir on 23.09.2010 at 11:40

I am not getting the point in here...

it's " repent and sin no more" - so repent and repaint/thin and sin are kinda homophones; that's why it's a little funny.

I agree now...sometimes it is hard to get those "language" jokes, when you aren't native speaker

anyway thanks for explanation

Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren't enough rooms, so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, "I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!" The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he's had the same dream, too. Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, "That's funny, I dreamed I was skiing!"



One day Mr. Smith, the president of a large corporation, called his vice-president, Dave, into his office and said, "We're making some cutbacks, so either Jack or Barbara will have to be laid off." Dave looked at Mr. Smith and said, "Barbara is my best worker, but Jack has a wife and three kids. I don't know whom to fire."
The next morning Dave waited for his employees to arrive. Barbara was the first to come in, so Dave said, "Barbara, I've got a problem. You see, I've got to lay you or Jack off and I don't know what to do?" Barbara replied, "You'd better jack off. I've got a headache."





A blind man interviews for a job as a quality controller at the local wood mill. The manager calls the blind man into his office and asks him how he expected to do this job since he was blind. The blind man replied he would do it by smell. The manager decides to test him and places a piece of wood in front of him. The manager asks, "What is it without touching it?" The blind man replies, "That's a good piece of fir." "Correct,'' says the manager, ''now try this one." "That's a bad piece of willow," says the blind man. "Correct," answers the manager.
With that, the manager decides to play a trick on the blind man. He get his secretary to lift up her dress and put her crotch in the blind mans face. "I'm confused'', says the blind man. Can you turn it around?" The secretary turns around and puts her ass in his face. The blind man says, "Oh, you're trying to fool me! But I know exactly what kind of wood that is. It's the shit house door off a tuna boat!





This one is fucking awesome:

Construction worker on the 5th floor of a building needed a handsaw. So he spots another worker on the ground floor and yells down to him, but he can't hear him. So the worker on the 5th floor tries sign language.

He pointed to his eye meaning "I", pointed to his knee meaning "need", then moved his hand back and forth in a hand saw motion. The man on the ground floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, whips out his chop and starts masturbating.

The worker on 5th floor gets so pissed off he runs down to the ground floor and says, "What the fuck is your problem!!! I said I needed a hand saw!".

The other guy says, "I knew that! I was just trying to tell you - I'm coming!"

Written by Kennoth on 25.09.2010 at 01:13

This one is fucking awesome:

Construction worker on the 5th floor of a building needed a handsaw. So he spots another worker on the ground floor and yells down to him, but he can't hear him. So the worker on the 5th floor tries sign language.

He pointed to his eye meaning "I", pointed to his knee meaning "need", then moved his hand back and forth in a hand saw motion. The man on the ground floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, whips out his chop and starts masturbating.

The worker on 5th floor gets so pissed off he runs down to the ground floor and says, "What the fuck is your problem!!! I said I needed a hand saw!".

The other guy says, "I knew that! I was just trying to tell you - I'm coming!"

Haha, nice one

A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie!

The genie said, "OK. You released me from the lamp, blah, blah blah. This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes. So you can forget about getting three wishes. You only get one wish.

The man sat down on the beach and thought about it for awhile. Then he said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii; but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so that I can drive over there to visit?"

The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible! Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete... how much steel...! No. Think of another wish."

The man tried to think of another wish. Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced several times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So I wish that I could understand women... know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment...know why they're crying...know what they really want when they say, 'Nothing'...know how to make them truly happy...."

The genie said, "You want that bridge with two lanes or four?"

A man walks into a bank, and after waiting for 20 minutes in line, he goes straight to a customer service rep. and says, "Hey, lady, I got this here check for deposit and I'll be goddamned if I am going to wait my ass on line anymore." "Please", says the woman. "I won't have that kind of language in this bank." "Well excuse me, but this fuckin' check ain't drawing any goddamned interest with you yappin' away about my language." "Sir, I don't have to take this abuse" she says. "Well then let's get the fuckin' manager okay? I mean what kind of shit is this I have to take from you?" The manager is summoned, and says "What seems to be the problem?" The woman says, "This man is using vulgar language and I won't stand for it." The man says "Hey alls I'm trying to do in this goddamned bank, for Christ's sake is deposit this fuckin' check for 15 million dollars." The manager looks at the check and then at the man and says "And this fuckin' bitch won't help you?"






Three explorers are captured by a tribe in the Amazon jungle. The chief is going to punish the intruders. He calls the first explorer to the front of the tribe and asks, "Death or Booka?!". Well the explorer doesn't want to die, so he opts for booka. The tribe starts screaming BOOKA! and dancing around. the cheif then rips the explorers pants off and fucks him in the ass.

The cheif calls the second explorer to the front and asks, "Death or Booka?!". Well not wanting to die either, he opts for booka. The tribe again starts screaming BOOKA! and dancing around. The cheif rips the second guys pants off and fucks him in the ass.

The chief calls the third explorer to the front and asks, "Death or Booka?!". Well the third guy has a little more self respect and thinks death would be better than being violated in front of hundreds of tribesman, so he opts for death. The chief turns to the tribe and screams "DEATH BY BOOKA!"

Burford is checking out of a hotel when suddenly he has to take a shit real bad. The toilet in his room isn't working, so he bolts down to use the lobby Men's Room, but all of the stalls are occupied, so he runs back up to his room, and in desperation, he drops his pants, uproots a plant, and takes a shit in the pot. Then he puts the plant back in the pot and leaves. Two weeks later, he gets a postcard from the hotel that says,

"Dear Mr. Burford... All is forgiven. Just tell us...where it is?"

This isn't quite a joke, but I'd like to share something that I did today.

I'm not the type of person who writes anything on public advertisements, but i couldn't resist. On a fence outside uni as I was leaving were two plain black and white signs, that both said "Apathy is all around you." I decided to brighten everyone's day by writing, just off to the side, "I don't care."

I don't normally do things like that, but it was clear that someone had just sellotaped those signs there - happens all the time at uni. I thought of this just walking past it as well. I'm so proud of myself.

Written by Entropic Silence on 15.10.2010 at 11:10

This isn't quite a joke, but I'd like to share something that I did today.

I'm not the type of person who writes anything on public advertisements, but i couldn't resist. On a fence outside uni as I was leaving were two plain black and white signs, that both said "Apathy is all around you." I decided to brighten everyone's day by writing, just off to the side, "I don't care."

I don't normally do things like that, but it was clear that someone had just sellotaped those signs there - happens all the time at uni. I thought of this just walking past it as well. I'm so proud of myself.

hahahahahahhaha that reminds me of this:

That's my favourite funny pic on the internet.

A man wakes up his wife at night and says: '' Hunney I bring you a glass of watter and painkiller.''
Wife:'' but I have not need for it I have not a headache.''
Man:'' Yes'' and take eof his pants

Written by [user id=17278] on 23.09.2010 at 16:45

Written by Ellrohir on 23.09.2010 at 11:40

I am not getting the point in here...

it's " repent and sin no more" - so repent and repaint/thin and sin are kinda homophones; that's why it's a little funny.

dude, if it wasn't for you i woulda had to repent for all the wasted time reading this XD

Written by Kennoth on 25.09.2010 at 01:13

This one is fucking awesome:

Construction worker on the 5th floor of a building needed a handsaw. So he spots another worker on the ground floor and yells down to him, but he can't hear him. So the worker on the 5th floor tries sign language.

He pointed to his eye meaning "I", pointed to his knee meaning "need", then moved his hand back and forth in a hand saw motion. The man on the ground floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, whips out his chop and starts masturbating.

The worker on 5th floor gets so pissed off he runs down to the ground floor and says, "What the fuck is your problem!!! I said I needed a hand saw!".

The other guy says, "I knew that! I was just trying to tell you - I'm coming!"

Dude, this is definitly THE BEST JOKE EVER

Written by iMPERiAL_iCE on 27.10.2010 at 09:51

Written by [user id=17278] on 23.09.2010 at 16:45

Written by Ellrohir on 23.09.2010 at 11:40

I am not getting the point in here...

it's " repent and sin no more" - so repent and repaint/thin and sin are kinda homophones; that's why it's a little funny.

dude, if it wasn't for you i woulda had to repent for all the wasted time reading this XD

A man and his wife are lying in bed.

"Susan, I've heard about this new sex-game, it's rape-related, do you want to try it?"
"No, not at all"
"Excellent, that's the spirit!"


--------------------------------------------------------


Two guys sat in a pub. One turns to the other and says, "I fucked your mum last night. We did everything. I shagged her doggy, missionary, and reverse cowgirl, I then licked out her bum hole while she fingered mine, then she gave me a tit fuck while sucking my cock, and I splooged all over her face." The other guy puts down his pint and says, "Let's go home dad, I think you've had enough."


--------------------------------------------------------


I saw a really cute girl in the park yesterday. A spark passed between us and I was soon shagging her behind the bushes.

They might cost a few quid, but those tasers are worth it.

Hahaha, love them. Especially the first one.

What's the difference between a woman saying a prayer and a woman taking a bath?
The first one has a hopeful soul, the other one has a soapful hole.

Whats the difference between sin and shame?

It's a sin to put it in, but a shame to pull it out.

Did you hear about the chicken that swore at eveybody?


She was using fowl language!

Have you tried Etheopian food?

No? Thats ok. Neither have they.

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director how do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, and then we offer a
teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to
empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the
bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you
want a bed near the window?"

A girl sends an sms in the middle of the night to her boyfriend:

"my dear, if you are sleeping, send me your dreams, if you are laughing, send me your smile, if you are crying, send me your tears!"

to which the guy replies:

"i'm taking a shit, what should i send you?"

Written by Diplomat on 08.12.2010 at 22:51

"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you
want a bed near the window?"

There's one from a similar style...

A wife consults a psychiatrist.
"I am worried about my husband. I think he should be taken to your mental institution."
"Why?" asks the doctor.
"He eats cups. However, I've noticed that he never eats the handles."
"That's indeed very awkward. The handle is actually the tastiest part of the cup." Says the doctor...

So I told my Haitian the other day that I wanted to break up... She was crushed

Haha.