Breaking the News is Worth a Beer

Steve, Bob, and Jeff were working on a very high scaffolding. Suddenly, Steve falls 50 feet to the ground below and he is killed instantly.
After the coroner leaves with Steve's body, Bob volunteers to inform Steve's wife of the terrible news. Some two hours later, Bob returns to the work site with a six-pack of beer under his arms.
"Say, Bob, where did you get the six-pack?"
"Steve's wife gave it to me!"
"What! You just told her that Steve died and she gave you a six-pack?"
"Well, before I broke the news to her, I asked her if she was Steve's widow. And, she said she wasn''t, so I said I''d bet her a six-pack she was!"


A Zoo Story

A guy found a sheep and showed him to a policeman.
The policeman said, "Take that sheep to the zoo, now."
Next day the policeman sees the man with the sheep again.
The policeman stops the guy and says, "What on earth are you doing with that sheep?"
The guy says, "What is there to do? Yesterday I took him to the zoo and now I''m taking him to the movies."

two guys go to the showers in their co-ed(guys and girls) dorm. one of them realizes they didn't bring the soap so he rushes back to his room, completely naked, to get it. he grabs the two bars of soap and heads down the corridor to the showers, but sees 3 blondes in the distance. he has nowhere to hide so he pretends he's a statue and stands completely still. the girls get near him. one of them asks:

"what's this?"

"hmm, i don't know, but what if i pull this handle over here?" and points at the guy's penis.

she yanks his penis and he drops a bar of soap.

"oooh, look! it's a soap machine!"

"i need one too, says another blonde"

so she yanks his penis harder than before and he drops the second bar.

"now it's my turn" says the third girl. she pulls and pulls and pulls, until finally:

"look girls, it has liquid soap too!!"

a guy on a dark street in Amsterdam approaches a hooker.

"hey there, will you have my company for 50$?"

the girl can't believe he's offering her that much.

"of course!"

the guy turns around and shouts:

"company, forward march!!"

When I was 14 my dream was to have a girlfriend. At the age of 16 I met a girl but there was no passion in our relationship. We broke up and I decided to search for a passionate girl in the future. I found one some years later. We had a very passionate relationship but at some point she became too sensitive. She started crying very often and made scandals over every little thing. She threatened to kill herself and finally I couldn't take it. After we broke up I decided that if I ever married I'd get married to a down-to-earth woman. Some years later I met one. She was very serious and down-to-earth and never doubted in anything. But unfortunately after some time our relationship started to deteriorate because life with her became unbearably boring. She was so predictable and so cold and soon it was over. I decided to search for an original girl.
So I met an original alternative girl. She was so alternative and independent. But soon afterwards it became awful. Her moods were varying from one extremity to another. One day she was one personality, another day she already pretended to be someone else. She could make my life either awfully happy or depressingly miserable. She was hyper energetic but didn't have any goals in life at all.
I decided to marry an ambitious woman who had high goals in her life. I eventually did marry an intelligent, wise and highly ambitious woman who was much more successful in every aspect of life than me. After an year she decided to leave me, get a divorce and rob me of all my money.
Now I have learnt it all and have become wiser. I will only marry a girl with beautiful face and nice pair of breasts.


Atelier of Original Design.
"Hello, would you please design me a roll of toilet paper with the photographs of my....mother-in-law?"
"For sure, Bobby, we'll do it fast with best quality!"
"How do you know my name?"
"We've seen your photos. Your mother-in-law visited us not very long time ago and ordered a pack of female hygiene pantyliners with the photos of her son-in-law Bob."


A guy goes to a bookstore.
"Do you have books?"
"We do."
"Good, I would like two."

(I want to apologize in advance for this horrible joke)

How did Jesus stay in shape?

He did his Pontius Pilates ever day.

@hrothgar


3 bats were hanging upside-down from a tree branch. suddenly one of them turns 180 degrees, so he's standing up now. one of the bats says to the one standing upright:

"hey Johnny!.. Johnny!"

at which the other upside down bat replies:

"it's no use man, he fainted AGAIN.."

@Hobbit: i didn't get the last one

@Valentin:

What's the difference between marmalade and jam?

You can't marmalade ur cock up ur girlfriends arse.

Two cubicles in a public lavatory.
Both doors closed.
Sounds of heavy breathing coming from both.
People making efforts pressing.
A smothered voice from one cubicle: "Constipation?"
"Yeah!"
After a while...
"splash"
"Congratulations."
"What for? It was my cellphone!"


A young girl and an elderly lady go to the doctor.
As the doctor sees the girl he tells her: "All right. Come here and take off all your clothes."
"No, doctor. It's not bout me. It's my grandmother who is ill."
"Oh I apologise. All right, mrs, come here and open your mouth please."

a guy goes to a hunting store

"hello, do you have camouflage pants?"

"well i think we do, but we can't find them!"

hm i ahve some bad ones.

2 vampire bats are in a cave and they haven't drank blood for weeks now so one goes out to find some. after a while he comes back, blood all over his face.

Bat 1 'hey dude you got blood! where you get it from? show me'

Bat 2 'you see that post over there?'

Bat 1 squints until he can see post 'yes'

bat 2 'well you see the church spire next to it?'

Bat 1 now getting exited 'yes'

Bat 2 'I didn't'



3 men are in the desert and they ahvent eaten for weeks. soon they find a dead camel and decide they will split it by eating the bit that corresponds to thier fave football team

Man 1 'i support Hearts so ill eat the heart'

Man 2 'i support liverpool so ill eat the liver'

Man 3 'i support arsenal and i dont feel hungry anymore!'



a medical lecturer is giving a lecture on the anatomical parts of a human bieng using a corpse.
he says to his students
'it is traditonal that before you examina a corpse you stick your finger in its arse and then suck your finger' so he sticks hi finger in the corpse ares and the sucks it.

the first student goes up and follows instructions.
followed byt he rest of the class untill everyone had done it.

now said the lecturer, u will notice that i shoved my middle finger up the corpse arse and sucked my index finer, this might teach u all to pay attention in class from now on.

i know their bad but hey.....

The first and the last one weren't bad
Specially the one with the bats... Maybe because I was thinking about some cartoonish bats while I was reading and found the joke cute.

Written by necrovamp on 05.10.2008 at 02:45

3 men are in the desert and they ahvent eaten for weeks. soon they find a dead camel and decide they will split it by eating the bit that corresponds to thier fave football team

Man 1 'i support Hearts so ill eat the heart'

Man 2 'i support liverpool so ill eat the liver'

Man 3 'i support arsenal and i dont feel hungry anymore!'

@ this one, i knew the other 2, but this one was pretty awesome lmao

@necro, well after all they weren't bad

lol you can all thank my dad, he was the one who told them to me!

Q. How many emo kids does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A. None. They would rather sit in the dark and cry.

Q. How do you get an emo kid out of a tree?
A. Cut the rope.

Q. What is the difference between emo grass and normal grass?
A. Emo grass cuts itself.

Q. What do you call an emo kid laying in the road?
A. A speed bump.

Q. How does an emo kid paint the ceiling black?
A. He dyes his hair and starts jumping up and down on the bed.

Q. How do you stop an emo kid from drowning?
A. Give him a tissue.

An Italian, a French and an English guy wreck on an island. They are caught by cannibals who take them to thei leader. He tells them they will be free if bring him 10 of the same fruit. Happily, the three guys go looking for some fruit.
Arrives the english first, with 10 bananas. "You'll be free if you'll put all of them in your ass making no facial expression of suffering." The first goes in, the second, at the third banana the English winces, and gets killed.
Arrives the Italian with 10 blackberries. The leader thell him what to do and the guy manages to do his work pretty well,then suddenly he begins to laugh while putting the last blackbarry in his ass. He is killed.
In heaven, the English and The Italian meet. "Why do you start laughing that way?" asks the English.
"Well" answers the Italian " you should have seen the French coming with 10 watermelons!"

Hope you liked it, when my sister told me I ROFLD

Written by Introspekrieg on 06.10.2008 at 22:46

Q. How many emo kids does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A. None. They would rather sit in the dark and cry.

Q. How do you get an emo kid out of a tree?
A. Cut the rope.

Q. What is the difference between emo grass and normal grass?
A. Emo grass cuts itself.

Q. What do you call an emo kid laying in the road?
A. A speed bump.

Q. How does an emo kid paint the ceiling black?
A. He dyes his hair and starts jumping up and down on the bed.

Q. How do you stop an emo kid from drowning?
A. Give him a tissue.

ROFL, really LOLing ones... gRRRRRRReat.
sorry, i can't remember any joke to write.

If someone moves left hand towards Alt plus Tab when you approach him, he's obviously hiding something from you.....

A guy is in the army and gets a letter from his beloved girlfriend who writes him that she has dumped him because she has found another man. The girl also asks the dude to send her back her photograph which she gave him as a present. So the dude goes and takes all the pictures of all kinds of girls from all his mates in the department, puts them in the envelope and writes a letter: "All right darling, here's a bunch of pics of different girls but you see I forgot which one of them is you. Please search for your pic and send back the rest."

Lol...the last one by HV was exellent... fucking OWNED.

A patient goes to the dentist and the latter tells him that he has two news, a good one and a bad one.
The patient asks what these are.
"The good thing is that your teeth are perfect. The bad thing is that you've gut an infection inside your gums and I'm gonna pull all your teeth out now."


A psychiatrist comforts a patient. "Why do you think you're mad. It's not true, you're completely normal. There's nothing wrong with truck drivers driving past your window and looking at you."
"But I live on the 9th floor...."


Two elephants are sitting in a tree, crocheting. A horse flies by. One elephant tells the other: "Look, a horse!"
The other one doesn't answer and they both continue crocheting. Another horse flies by. "Look, another one!"
"Shut the fuck up, bitch. Mayb they've got a nest nearby here or something!"

A young beginner actor participates in a mass scene of a play. He only has one line to say. "Hearken to the roaring cannons!"
At the day of the premiere he's awfully nervous and suffering of stage-fright, although having been repeating and memorizing his line for weeks.
Then when the scene finally arrives and he's on stage to perform his line, everyone hears cannon shots (sound effect). The actor shouts "What the fuck was that?!" in dismay....

This probably won't make you laugh but I find it a different kind of funny, in its own way. I'm just providing a translation here so I hope this isn't any more confusing than it's supposed to. It all should make perfect sense although your brain might feel a little raped just thinking about it. Congrats to anybody who gets it entirely.

Depression

A depressed young man goes to see a psychiatrist that asks him what makes him depressed. The patient's story begins:

"It all started when I married this lovely mature woman. She already had a daughter who's my age, so her daughter became my stepdaughter. A while later when my divorced father paid us a visit, he fell in love with my stepdaughter and married her. Therefore my stepdaughter became my stepmother as well.

Then my wife gave birth to our son. Because the boy is naturally my stepdaughter's half-brother, he also turns out to be my father's half-brother-in-law. Because our son is my stepmother's brother, that also makes him my uncle.

My father and his young wife also had a son. He's my brother (my half-brother, to be precise) but I'm his grandfather, after all his mother is my stepdaughter, you see.

Therefore my wife is now my grandmother, as in my stepmother's mother. So in reverse, I am my own wife's grandchild! Considering that I'm married to my grandmother, I'm not only her husband and grandchild, but I've also become my own grandfather! And that makes me depressed. I was wondering if you can help me, doctor?"

@Graveheart.....well...it took time to unravel it (I didn't manage it very thoroughly myself....) but I got the idea...that's a widespread topic in daytime operas and even more often in teenage live action/table-top role play.....


A young man went to swim and left all his clothes on the shore. Suddenly he saw a young girl sitting next to his clothes. He looked for an old saucepan from the bottom and came out of the water holding the saucepan in front of him. The girl is reading a book.
"What are you reading?"
"Philosophy."
"Then tell me what I am thinking about."
"You are thinking that the saucepan has got a bottom..."

Donald Rumsfeld briefed the President this morning. He told Bush that three Brazilian soldiers were killed in Iraq. To everyone's amazement, all the color ran form Bush's face, then he collapsed onto his desk, head in hands, visibly shaken, almost whimpering. Finally, he composed himself and asked Rumsfeld: "Just exactly how many is brazillion?"

Written by Graveheart on 16.10.2008 at 19:00

Donald Rumsfeld briefed the President this morning. He told Bush that three Brazilian soldiers were killed in Iraq. To everyone's amazement, all the color ran form Bush's face, then he collapsed onto his desk, head in hands, visibly shaken, almost whimpering. Finally, he composed himself and asked Rumsfeld: "Just exactly how many is brazillion?"

ahahhahah, i actually misread "bazillion soldiers"

2 programmers in a bar

see that girl over there? damn, that's some fine "properties" she's got.

yeah, i "tested" her last night, tried to "right click" her but she's "read only".

A guy goes to the doctor

"hello, tell me what's wrong?"

"well doc, i'm not feeling well"

"why?"

"i got some bad health problems, i'm constipated like hell."

"how come?"

"well, i saw this shiny lamp on my front porch one day. but it was dirty so i started cleaning it. and all of a sudden a genie appears, says he'll grant me a free wish."

"so?"

"i said "no shit!" "

Well a few days ago some friend of mine said:

''Man can never earn so much money than woman spend it''

(I don't if it's funny to you, but for me is )

Written by Abattoir on 25.10.2008 at 20:08

Well a few days ago some friend of mine said:

''Man can never earn so much money than woman spend it''

(I don't if it's funny to you, but for me is )

Not the biggest funny thing but still is true.

Here's a joke my Science teacher told me:

Two atoms are walking down the street. One of the atoms turns to the other and says, "I think I lost an electron!"
The second asks, "Are you sure?"
The first atom replies, "I'm positive!"

lol, I thought it was pretty funny just because t'was lame.