The Joke Thread (the sequel)

Family guy quotes ftw...here are some of my favs

Bonnie: Somebody save him, he can't swim!
Peter: Oh, he's not even kicking. Kick Joe, kick.
Lois: Peter, he's a paraplegic!
Peter: That doesn't mean he can't hear. Kick Joe, kick!

Peter: Sometimes it's appropriate to swear
(Peter is in court)
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth so help you god?
Peter: I do........You bastard

Peter: So uhh, Mr. Pewterschmidt, the big race is tomorrow eh? Bet you're gonna need some strapping men to help you with your boat.
Mr. Pewterschmidt: Are you calling me gay?
Peter: No. No. I just; I just thought you might want some extra seamen on your poopdeck.

Chris: Dad, what would you say if I told I didn't want to be in the Scouts?
Peter: I'd say, 'Come again?' and I'd laugh as I said, 'Come.'

Mayor Adam West: I just bought a Rottweiler, and I need a sign to warn people how dangerous it is.
Home Supply clerk (pointing to "BEWARE OF DOG" sign): Well, we have exactly what you--
Mayor Adam West: Ah, yes, here it is: "ONE WAY." So people will know if they step into my yard, there's only one way out--in a body bag from dog injuries.


Peter: Hey, What's His Name?
Al Gore: Dick Army
Peter: Phhhhh, ha ha ha ha. No Seriously What Is It?
Al Gore: Dick Army
Peter: Phhhhh, ha ha ha ha. Hey Dick, What's Your Wife's Name? Vagina Coastguard?

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in.
The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight and found it somewhat below normal. The doctor asked if the baby was breast fed or bottle fed.

"Breast fed," the woman replied.

"Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor asked. She did. He pressed, kneaded, rolled, cupped, and pinched both breasts in a detailed, rigorously thorough examination.

Motioning for her to get dressed he said, "No wonder this baby is under weight! You don't have any milk."

"I know,"she said, "I'm his grandmother, but I'm glad I came."

1. What is Abbath's (from Immortal's) favorite food?... Blueberry BLAHncakes.

2. What do 9 out of 10 people like?... gang rape

3. A man went to his doctor the other day for an examination.

The Doctor told the man "your going to have to stop masturbating.

"Why?" the man asks

"Because I'm trying to examine you"

4. KNOCK KNOCK

Who's there?

9-11

9-11 who?

I thought you'd never forget?

The big bear goes to the drug store.

"50 condoms, please!"

two adorable bunnies behind him start laughing. the bear turns around, gets real angry and says to the clerk:

"52!"

Written by Valentin B on 12.11.2008 at 07:53

The big bear goes to the drug store.

"50 condoms, please!"

two adorable bunnies behind him start laughing. the bear turns around, gets real angry and says to the clerk:

"52!"

haha.... I liked that one

Written by -DC-002- on 09.11.2008 at 14:50

1. What is Abbath's (from Immortal's) favorite food?... Blueberry BLAHncakes.

Another black metal joke:

I heard a member of Blasphemy is releasing a new soft drink. It'c called Cola of the Storms.

Http://www.catsprn.com/dickens_cider.htm

this is hilarious when u relies what it is...

oh and what is 6.9
a good thing fucked up by a period

Written by PsychoNerd on 13.11.2008 at 04:12

oh and what is 6.9
a good thing fucked up by a period

Haha...great

Ok so this guy goes into a gun shop looking for a new scope, the clerk get his best scope out and says 'you can see my house from here'. so the guy looks through the scope and starts laughing, the clerk asks whats wrong and the guy says 'i can see two people running around naked up there' the clerk looks through the scope and says 'I'll give you two bullets to shoot the girls head off and shoot the guys dick off, if you can do it, I'll give you the scope for free' the guy looks through the scope again and says 'you know what, i reckon i can do it with just one.

Written by wrathchild on 06.11.2008 at 23:05

Written by LeChron James on 06.11.2008 at 04:17

Before i post anything awful, what is the policy on horribly offensive jokes?

As far as they follow our main rules, it's fine. Plus we may be more tolerant towards jokes. But should it be utterly racist or something in that vein, you may worry. For even if we let the joke survive, we'd obviously keep an eye on you.

lol. I'll just leave now then...

Wait...I got one!

Who would win in a fight? A drummer who's always on time? or a smart Bassist?

...It doesn't matter, they're both fictional characters.

Written by Doc G. on 14.11.2008 at 12:55

Written by wrathchild on 06.11.2008 at 23:05

Written by LeChron James on 06.11.2008 at 04:17

Before i post anything awful, what is the policy on horribly offensive jokes?

As far as they follow our main rules, it's fine. Plus we may be more tolerant towards jokes. But should it be utterly racist or something in that vein, you may worry. For even if we let the joke survive, we'd obviously keep an eye on you.

lol. I'll just leave now then...

Wait...I got one!

Who would win in a fight? A drummer who's always on time? or a smart Bassist?

...It doesn't matter, they're both fictional characters.

ahhahaha, how do you call one of those guys who gets to hang out with REAL musicians? a drummer!

Written by Valentin B on 14.11.2008 at 13:20

ahhahaha, how do you call one of those guys who gets to hang out with REAL musicians? a drummer!

I don't get it.

That joke is usually aimed at the bassist.

Written by Doc G. on 14.11.2008 at 13:31

Written by Valentin B on 14.11.2008 at 13:20

ahhahaha, how do you call one of those guys who gets to hang out with REAL musicians? a drummer!

I don't get it.

it means drummers aren't real musicians lol

Written by Valentin B on 14.11.2008 at 15:13

Written by Doc G. on 14.11.2008 at 13:31

Written by Valentin B on 14.11.2008 at 13:20

ahhahaha, how do you call one of those guys who gets to hang out with REAL musicians? a drummer!

I don't get it.

it means drummers aren't real musicians lol

I know the ongoing joke is bassists aren't real musicians.... but since when is a drummer jokingly looked down apon?

Written by -DC-002- on 14.11.2008 at 17:45

Written by Valentin B on 14.11.2008 at 15:13

Written by Doc G. on 14.11.2008 at 13:31

Written by Valentin B on 14.11.2008 at 13:20

ahhahaha, how do you call one of those guys who gets to hang out with REAL musicians? a drummer!

I don't get it.

it means drummers aren't real musicians lol

I know the ongoing joke is bassists aren't real musicians.... but since when is a drummer jokingly looked down apon?

hhahahaha, you feel deprived of attention?

To all cat lovers here, especially to Jonas : )


HOW TO FORESEE THAT YOUR CAT IS PLANNING TO KILL YOU

1. It's walking on you, pressing your stomach with its paws. You think it's out of love and the closeness? Naah...it's trying out your internal organs, checking their strength and learning bout your weak spots.

2. While in the loo it drops the excrement into random places all around. Think it's just a coincidence? No, it's learning how to hide bodies.

3. It's playing the staring game with you. When the cat manages to start the game "Who will stare into the other's eyes for a longer time" do not take your eyes away first. Do that and the cat will take it as a proof of your weakness which may trigger its attack.

4. Brings you dead animals it caught. Think it's a present of some kind? No, it's a warning.

5. Eats grass. Doing this unpleasant thing it prepares itself for the battle morally and physically.

6. Hides in dark places and secretly stares you from there. Thus it spies on you to learn about all your everyday movements and actions in your usual environment.

7. Sleeps on your laptop/and other technical devices. Thus trying to prevent you from connecting to outside world.

8. You wake up in bed finding the cat on your face. Cats lack the mass and physical strength of suffocating a grown man but that won't stop them from trying anyhow.

9. Unexpectedly jumps out rapidly from random places. Every time this happens, remember....this was another unsuccessful assault attempt.

OMG... I knew it, I fucking knew it!!!
That little sweet bastard was trying to kill me, it was so good to be true.

Written by Valentin B on 14.11.2008 at 15:13

Written by Doc G. on 14.11.2008 at 13:31

Written by Valentin B on 14.11.2008 at 13:20

ahhahaha, how do you call one of those guys who gets to hang out with REAL musicians? a drummer!

I don't get it.

it means drummers aren't real musicians lol

Well, I "get" the joke in that context...I'm just not sure how drumming is any less of an instrument than say vocals or bass or whatnot.

While I was visiting the town I decided to drop by the marketplace and I noticed this huge crowd of people gathered around one of the booths. I stayed a while to listen and I realised it was put up by some kind of a new sect trying to gather new members. Their main principle was that anyone joining in must haven't had sex for the last two weeks.
The first on the line was an elderly couple. They told the priest it was very easy to hold back and not a single problem did occur during those two weeks. The priest smiled and welcomed them in his church.
Next up there was a couple that I assumed to be in their forties. "The first week wasn't hard at all, but the second one was a serious challenge. We really had to think of other things to do together so we exercised a lot and that's pretty much how we finally made it to the end of our second week without sex." The priest said it's good enough and accepted them in his church too.
The last couple on the line was in their twenties. "We managed through the first two days without any problems, but after that it started to tempt us both really hard and it was very painful... so on the fourth day my wife dropped a bag of macaroni and when she bent over to pick it up, it was just a hell of a sight so my wife and I finally fell in lust with each other and couldn't resist sex anymore at all." With a disappointed frown, the priest told them, "I'm afraid that means you're not welcome in this church." The couple said, "oh, we totally understand, because you see, we're no longer welcome in that Wal-Mart either."

Non-guitarist and non-vocalist ownage time again!

the parents send little timmy to learn bass. he comes back 2 hours later with a smile on his face:

so, timmy, what did you learn today?

i learned to play on the first string!

wonderful, timmy!

next day:

so, timmy, what did you learn today?

i learned to play on the second string!

wonderful!

next day:

so, timmy, what did you learn today?

nothing.

why?

i had a gig.

Fuck... I didn't get that one xD

Written by X-Ray Rod on 17.11.2008 at 18:14

Fuck... I didn't get that one xD

The child was already able to be in a band a make a gig after 2 days of lessons, because playing bass is easy

Written by Elio on 17.11.2008 at 18:17

Written by X-Ray Rod on 17.11.2008 at 18:14

Fuck... I didn't get that one xD

The child was already able to be in a band a make a gig after 2 days of lessons, because playing bass is easy

aaaaaaaaaaaaaa now I get it, htanks

A little dirty but, mehhh...

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: What does a gynecologist and a pizza delivery man have in common?


A: They both get to smell the goods but they can't eat it.

Written by -Soulreaper- on 18.11.2008 at 21:01

A little dirty but, mehhh...

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: What does a gynecologist and a pizza delivery man have in common?


A: They both get to smell the goods but they can't eat it.

Dirty but nice

Written by Elio on 18.11.2008 at 22:59

Written by -Soulreaper- on 18.11.2008 at 21:01

A little dirty but, mehhh...

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: What does a gynecologist and a pizza delivery man have in common?


A: They both get to smell the goods but they can't eat it.

Dirty but nice

jep. good one

Before I make an jokes I need to know, how far can you take your jokes?

Written by [user id=36088] on 27.11.2008 at 06:27

Before I make an jokes I need to know, how far can you take your jokes?

well extremely racist/sexist/discriminatory jokes wouldn't really be advised, but it shouldn't be a problem(just don't act like an extremely racist dude in any other thread)

in other words...

bring'em on!!

Written by -Soulreaper- on 18.11.2008 at 21:01

A little dirty but, mehhh...

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: What does a gynecologist and a pizza delivery man have in common?

A: They both get to smell the goods but they can't eat it.

Haha, That was nice.