Written by X-Ray Rod on 25.08.2011 at 02:28

Written by Valentin B on 23.08.2011 at 21:04

The blonde secretary kicks down the door to her boss's office:
"From now on, i'm gonna work 10 hours a week and my salary will be 3000 euros a month!"
"Oh yeah, who told you that?"
"My lawyer and my gynecologist!"

I didn't get this one

Also me but I didn't tell him.

Well, she got pregnant with the boss, so now she can demand an unreal wage to keep her mouth shut.


there was once a time when all you needed to have sex with a girl was to ask her "hello, miss, do you smoke?"
so a guy walks in a bar and says to a beautiful woman:
"hello, miss, do you smoke?"
"why, of course!"
they both go back to the guy's place, and the girl takes all her clothes off. the guy takes all his clothes off too, but then the girl dresses back up.
"what?? but i thought you smoked!"
"i do, but i don't smoke buds.."


a very drunk guy, out of desperation, picks up this really fat chick in a bar. she is so huge she is pretty much the daughter of godzilla. they go back to his place and they begin having sex. at one point, while he's on top, the guy asks her:
"hey, can i turn the lights off?"
"why?"
"the lightbulb is burning my ass!"


timmy asks his dad:
"daddy, is God a man, or a woman?"
"my son, God is everything and in everyone! so yes, you could say he is a man and a woman."
a few minutes later..
"daddy, is God black, or white?"
"my son, God created Man in his likeness, and thus he is both black and white."
a few minutes later..
"daddy, is God a paedophile too?"
"how can you say something like that?? where did you get that idea??"
"well, if he is both black and white, and both man and woman, my best guess is that he's Michael Jackson!"


a guy walks into a pharmacy with a cocky attitude. he raises his right hand with fingers extended and says:
"give me five Viagras! i have a Russian girl coming over tonight and i want to be ready"
he buys the pills, and leaves. next morning, the same guy at the pharmacy, enters with a sad look on his face. he holds out both hands with extended fingers.
"not 10 viagras?" asks the pharmacist.
"no, give me a hand cream. the Russian girl didn't come over last night"

Written by Valentin B on 25.08.2011 at 08:57

a guy walks into a pharmacy with a cocky attitude. he raises his right hand with fingers extended and says:
"give me five Viagras! i have a Russian girl coming over tonight and i want to be ready"
he buys the pills, and leaves. next morning, the same guy at the pharmacy, enters with a sad look on his face. he holds out both hands with extended fingers.
"not 10 viagras?" asks the pharmacist.
"no, give me a hand cream. the Russian girl didn't come over last night"

I heard that once but it was more precise because it was about an old man who went to the store to ask viagra because he was supposed to be paid a visit by more than just one girl. In any case, it's a classic...

PHRASEBOOK:

What do men mean when they say the following things:
I'm hungry. - I'm hungry.
I want to sleep. - I want to sleep.
I'm tired. - I'm tired.
Do you want to go to the cinema with me? - I want to sleep with you.
Can I call you some day? - I want to sleep with you.
Shall we dance? - I want to sleep with you.
Nice dress! - Nice body!
You seem stressed, shall I rub your shoulders? - I want to caress you.
What's wrong? - I can't see why you're creating such a problem out of it.
What's wrong? - I guess we won't be having sex tonight.
I'm bored? - Shall we have sex?
I love you. - Let's go to bed now.
I love you too. - All right! I already said that. Shall we go to bed now?
Yes, I like your new hairdo. - The previous one looked better.
Yes, I like your new hairdo. - You wasted all that money and the result doesn't even show.
Let's talk. - I'm trying to impress you by showing that I'm a "deep" person. Perhaps this is the way to make you want to sleep with me.
Will you marry me? - I want to make it illegal for you to sleep with other men.
(While shopping) Well, I prefer this one. - Just pick some random dress and let's get out of here!
I don't think this blouse goes well with that skirt. - I'm gay.

What do women mean when they say the following things:
Yes. - No.
No. - Yes.
Perhaps. - No.
I'm sorry. - You're gonna be sorry.
We need. - I want.
It's yours to decide. - You should already have realised what the right decision is.
Do what you want. - You're gonna regret it.
We need to talk. - I need to complain.
Sure, do it. - I don't want you to do it.
I'm not mad. - Of course I'm mad, you idiot!
You're so masculine. - You need a shave and you sweat too much.
You're so caring today. - Seriously, is sex everything you think about?
The kitchen has become so small. - I want a new house.
I want new curtains... - ...and carpet, and furniture, and ...
Hang the painting there! - NO! I mean THERE!
I think I heard something. - I noticed you had fallen asleep.
Do you love me? - I'm going to ask you to buy me something really expensive.
How much do you love me? - I've just done something that's going to make you really mad.
I'll be ready in a few minutes. - Take your shoes off and watch some film.
Am I fat? - Tell me I'm pretty.
You need to learn to communicate with other people. - Just say I'm right.
Was it the kid? - Why can't you just get up and sing until he falls asleep again.
I'm not screaming! - Sure I'm screaming because I think it's important.
Nothing. - Everything.
It's nothing, really. = You're just a #&¤%# !!!

My girlfriend told me I had to quit buying beer because we needed to save some money. I asked her why and reminded her that it was her who had just wasted an enormous amount of money on cosmetics and stuff. She told me "Can't you realise?! I do this in order to be pretty for you!" I answered that that's what the beer was for.

I don't think she's coming back to me any more.

A man arrives at a store and asks where he can find tampons. The shop assistant shows him the shelf. The man comes back and decides to buy a large box of cotton and some thread. The shop assistant asks why the man needs this. The bloke answered. "When I asked my wife to bring me some cigarettes, she returned with a bag of tobacco and rolling paper and said that I should save money by rolling my own cigarettes. Well, if I need to roll my own cigarettes, why can't she roll her own tampons?"

A man and a woman get married and the man says: "From now on, remember that I go where I wanna go, whoever I wanna go with, whenever I want and whatever way I want. I come and go as I want, so you better not pick on me about that, clear?"
"Sure, but just remember that every day I'm gonna have sex at 7 pm. Whether you're at home or not," says the wife.

It's been a year since I started looking for my ex-girlfriend's killer...

For some reason nobody wants to do it though.

What do Slayer do backstage?

They lift Hella Weights (say out loud :p)

The team England visited an orphanage in Cape Town during Word Cup 2010. "It's heartbreaking to see their sad little faces with no hope," said Jamal, aged six.

^ nice

Written by Thyroid on 03.12.2011 at 17:49

The team England visited an orphanage in Cape Town during Word Cup 2010. "It's heartbreaking to see their sad little faces with no hope," said Jamal, aged six.

Well played.

****************WARNING NSFW RACIST JOKES! THOSE EASILY OFFENDED PISS OFF!****************

A black family is having a picnic, walking around in the woods, etc. They come across a river, and stop by to rest. Suddenly, a golden fishy appears and speaks: "If you swim in this river, from one side to another, you'll become white". Then it disappears. So the family is thinking and talking about it for a while, and decide to do it, so they won't be discriminated against anymore. Dad jumps in, and gets to the other side relatively easily and becomes white. Then mom hops in. She's struggles for a while but eventually manages to get through and she also becomes white. Next, the daughter jumps in. She struggles against the current a lot, but eventually manages to make it and becomes white. The son hops in last, but the current is too strong for him. About halfway to the other side, he starts drowning and screaming: "DAD! HELP ME, DAD!". The dad just looks at him and says: "Fuck off, you damn nigger!".

A black dude is drowning. What should you throw next to him?
-His parents.

^ inb4 racism argument

No need for racist argument... it's a joke in a joke thread and he gave a clear warning as to the content of the joke. I will do the same here (NSFW/Racist material):

What's the difference between a black guy and a couch?

A couch can support a family.

Even my black friends laugh at this.

Written by Troy Killjoy on 04.12.2011 at 21:53

What's the difference between a black guy and a couch?

A couch can support a family.

Even my black friends laugh at this.

hahaha.. you made me.

What's the only thing white on a nigger?
Why, his master of course.

What's small, green and in the corner of my room?
It's my negro and I can paint it in any way I want!

Written by Kennoth on 05.12.2011 at 01:57

What's the only thing white on a nigger?
Why, his master of course.

What's small, green and in the corner of my room?
It's my negro and I can paint it in any way I want!

Shit dude, those were funny as hell.

Alright, we've had our laughs at racism. Now let's laugh about Nazis:

In WWII this fighter pilot gets shot down behind enemy lines. He parachutes out, breaks his leg and gets captured by Nazis. His leg has to be amputated, and he asks the Nazis to fly over his homebase and drop his leg there. They do so. Later, he breaks his arm and they amputate that. He asks them to do the same thing they did with his leg (drop it over the base) which they do. Later, he has to amputate his other arm. He asks to do the same thing. The nazis refuse this time.
"Why not?" the soldier asks.
The Nazis reply "We think you are trying to escape!"

Clean joke ftw.

"I was sitting at my desk once when I remembered about a phone call I had to make. I found the number and dialled. A male voice answered "Hello!" I said very politely "Hi, I'm Sam, I need to talk to Martin Peters. Is he there?" The man screamed "GET YOURSELF THE RIGHT NUMBER, ASSHOLE!" and hung up. I was shocked to know someone could be so rude.

When I dialled the correct number of Martin, I discovered that I had messed up the last two numbers. After having talked to Martin, I decided to redial the wrong number. When the same bloke picked up, I shouted "You're an asshole!" and hung up. I wrote his number down and added the name "Asshole" to it. Every couple of weeks, either when I had bills to pay or when I just had a bad day, I just called him to shout "You're an asshole!"

When the mobile operators started offering the "number display" service, I realised that making my therapeutic phone calls to the shithead must come to an end. Just in case, I wanted to make sure whether the douche himself was aware of any of it. I called him and said "G'day! My name is Thomas O'Hara and I work for Vodafone. I'm calling you in order to ask whether you've already heard about our new "number display" service." He screamed "NO!" and hung up. I called him back immediately to tell him "It's because you're an asshole!" and I ended the call.

One day when I was preparing to park near the supermarket, some bloke with a black BMW drove past me and occupied the spot I'd patiently been waiting for. I gave the signal and waved my hands but he just flipped off. I noticed a sign "FOR SALE" on his car with a phone number. I wrote it down.

Couple of days later, immediately after having called the first asshole (I had his number under speed dial) and after having poured him over with insults, I thought of calling the BMW asshole as well.
I asked "Do you have a black BMW for sale?"
He replied "Yes, that's true!"
Then I asked "Would it be possible for me to see it?"
To which he answered "Yes, my address is Dunstall Street 16, Lewisham. The house has a beige facade and the car is parked in the front yard."
Then I asked his name.
"My name's Matthew Mullan."
"Great! So when do you have the time to meet?"
"I'm home every evening after five."
"Hey, Matthew, can I tell you something?"
"Yes."
"Matthew, you're an asshole!"
I hung up and saved his number under speed dial as well. From then on, I had two assholes to call whenever I had problems.

One day when I was angry at the entire world, searching an outlet for my fury, I suddenly got an idea. I called the first douche. He said "Hello." I told him he was an asshole but he didn't hang up this time but asked instead "Are you still there?"
"Yes."
He shouted "STOP CALLING ME!"
I replied "Well make me then!"
He asked "Who are you?"
I said "My name's Matthew Mullan."
"Yes? Right, where do you live?"
"All right you asshole, I live at Dunstall Street 16, Lewisham, in a house with a beige facade. I've got a black BMW in my front yard!"
He said "You know what, Matthew! I'm on my way. And I suggest you prepare your will."
"Oh, sure! I'm already dying of fear, asshole!" and I hung up.

Then I called the other one. He said "Hello?"
"Hello, asshole!"
He started shouting "If I find out who you are..."
"Yeah, then what?"
"I'm gonna kick your fuckin' ass!"
"Well, you have that opportunity, asshole! Because I'm already on my way to your place!"

Then I called the police and said "Good evening. My address is Dundstall Street 16, Lewisham. I'm on my way home to kill my gay lover."
Then I called the local channel saying that there's gonna be a showdown at Dundstall Street 16, Lewisham. They promised to send a reporter with cameramen as soon as possible.
Then I went to my car and drove to Lewisham. I was there just in time to see the two assholes beating each other up in front of the police van that had just arrived. And, of course, the cameramen were already there as well. I felt immediately A LOT better.
Dealing with anger really is a good thing. All you need to do is just let it out!"

...To get to the other side.

That joke is old as hell, but it's still okay, I guess.

Whats the worst part about four black guys driving a cadillac off a cliff?





















They were my friends.

Why did the little boy drop his ice cream cone?















































He was hit by a bus.

All right... as we're speaking about a bus here, then here's this one...

A group of kids are on a school trip, the entire class along with teachers. On the road, the bus breaks down. The driver gets off and tries to fix the bus but without much luck. Then one of the kids, the slightly tardy one, gets off as well and approaches the driver who's silently swearing while desperately attempting to find out what had caused the breakdown.

"Uncle bus driver! Uncle bus driver! I know what happened to the bus!"
The driver looks at the kid and says "No shit! You better not annoy me here. Get back in the bus now!"
"But uncle bus driver! I REALLY REALLY know what happened to the bus! Don't you wanna know what happened to the bus?!"
"Kid, you're pissing me off, get out of my sight and let me figure out what to do!"
"But uncle bus driver. I REALLY KNOW! I really know what happened to the bus! PLEASE let me tell you!"
"Seriously! Fuck off!"
The kid looks like as if he were about to burst into tears any moment. "PLEASE! Please uncle bus driver! Please let me tell you! I swear I know what's wrong with the bus!"

The driver sighs, looks at the kid and says "All right. Tell me then. Tell me what's wrong with the damn bus!"


The kid suddenly becomes very happy and announces with a big smile...
"The bus broke down!"

Written by Ernis on 24.01.2012 at 22:13

I dont get it.

Written by Boxcar Willy on 26.01.2012 at 07:01

Written by Ernis on 24.01.2012 at 22:13

I dont get it.

I don't get what?

Written by Ernis on 24.01.2012 at 22:13

The kid suddenly becomes very happy and announces with a big smile...
"The bus broke down!"

I swear I'd slap the piss out of the kid. >:[

Written by Ernis on 26.01.2012 at 21:18

Written by Boxcar Willy on 26.01.2012 at 07:01

Written by Ernis on 24.01.2012 at 22:13

I dont get it.

I don't get what?

It was my attempt at a joke :/


But it failed.

Written by Slayer666 on 26.01.2012 at 21:23
I swear I'd slap the piss out of the kid. >:[

Serbia: #1 child abusing nation in Europe.

Do you want these tards to join and attain the glorious privileges of the European Union? I THINK NOT. Help boycott these despicable fiends!

This message has been brought to you by:


It's all the smarter when it's xenophobic!



Seriously though, for some reason, I thought the joke was pretty funny. Anti-humor/obviousness worked surprisingly well this time. Yes, I hope the bus driver didn't have a sharp object in his hands at the time.

Written by vezzy on 26.01.2012 at 23:30

the glorious privileges of the European Union?

Lolwut? Care to name some, please?

'Cause Greece isn't doing too good in EU and Germany itself is considering GTFO-ing.

9 dangerous expressions that women use:

1. All right. - Used at the end of a fight. Indicates that she's right and that it's already time for you to shut up.

2. Five minutes. - When she's preparing to go out, it means one hour. It means five minutes when she gives you five minutes in order to do something she finds urgent.

3. Nothing. - It's actually just the silence before the storm. It means something. Fights that begin with the word "Nothing" usually end with "All right." (See 1.)

4. You can do what you want. - It's not a permission, it's a warning. Whatever you do, DON'T DO THIS!

5. Loud sigh. - Although difficult to understand why, this one can be considered a word. The "loud sigh" means that she thinks you're an idiot and that she can't see why she's wasting her time fighting with you over nothing. (See 3.)

6. Everything's fine. - This one's dangerous. At the same time when she says that, she's thinking of how to make you pay for your mistake.

7. Thanks. - Don't faint when she thanks you for something. Just say "You're welcome."
ATTENTION! Never confuse this with "Thanks a lot." because the latter is sarcasm in its purest form. If a woman tells you "Thanks a lot." and you make the fatal mistake by answering with "You're welcome.", she'll tell you "Whatever." (See next)

8. Whatever. - Used to represent all varieties of "Fuck off!", "Go fuck yourself!", "Go to hell!" etc...

9. Don't worry, I can handle this. - Very ominous phrase. It means something that she's asked you to do several times already and you still haven't managed to do it. Should you ask "What's wrong?" in some later stage, the answer will be "Nothing." (See 3.)