Written by Ernis on 19.04.2011 at 21:06

Written by Valentin B on 19.04.2011 at 20:41

a Russian guy in Germany goes inside a club with a t-shirt that says "the Turks have 3 major problems".

I have nothing against Turks but here's a similar one...

neither do i, but that' goes without saying of course

Written by Valentin B on 19.04.2011 at 20:41

a Russian guy in Germany goes inside a club with a t-shirt that says "the Turks have 3 major problems".
a turk goes up to him and says "what the hell do you want, you looking for trouble?"
the Russian guy says "see, this is the first problem, you don't leave people alone"
after a few hours the club empties and the Russian guy exits, and sees a gang of 10 turks waiting for him.
the Russian says "see, this is the second problem, you can't solve your problems on your own!"
the turks are furious and now pull out their switchblades.
the Russian says "and see, this is the third problem: you bring knives to a gunfight!"

HAHAHAHA

Those turks go sooooo owned, nice one Valentin!

Selection of some of the best jokes from a really good joke website:

Q. What would happen if the Pilgrims had killed cats instead of turkeys?
A. We'd eat pussy every Thanksgiving.

Q. What doesn't belong in this list : Meat, Eggs, Wife, Blowjob?
A. Blowjob: You can beat your meat, eggs or wife, but nothing beats a blowjob.

Q. How do you know when you are getting old?
A. When you start having dry dreams and wet farts.

Q. Why is it called a Wonder Bra?
A. When she takes it off, you wonder where her tits went.

Q. Why don't little girls fart?
A. Because they don't get assholes until they're married.

Q. How do you turn a fox into a whale?
A. Marry it.

Q. What does bungee jumping and hookers have in common?
A. They both cost a hundred bucks and if the rubber breaks, you're screwed.

Q. What's better than a rose on your piano?
A. Tulips on your organ.

Q. What is the definition of a menstrual period?
A. A bloody waste of fucking time.

Q. Why is a woman's pussy like a warm toilet seat?
A. They both feel good, but you wonder who was there before you.

Q. Why do women pierce their bellybutton?
A. Place to hang their air freshener.

Q. What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex?
A. Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.

Q. What is the difference between a clever midget and a venereal disease?
A. One is a cunning runt, and the other is a running cunt

Q. What do women and police cars have in common?
A. They both make a lot of noise to let you know they are coming.

Q. What do you get when you cross a rooster and peanut butter?
A. A cock that sticks to the roof of your mouth.

Q. Who can make more money in a week, a drug dealer or a prostitute?
A. The prostitute because she can wash and resell her crack.

Q. What is better than a cold Bud?
A. A warm bush.

Q. What has one hundred balls and screws old ladies?
A. Bingo

Q. How are women and linoleum floors alike?
A. You lay them right the first time and you can walk all over them for the next 20 years.

Q. Why are women like Kentucky Fried Chicken?
A. After you've finished with the thigh and breasts, all you have left is a greasy box to put your bone in.



Q. What's the difference between your paycheck and your cock?
A. You don't have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck!

Q. What do you call kids born in whorehouses?
A. Brothel sprouts.

Q. What is the cheapest meat?
A. Deer balls, they're under a buck.

Q. What's the difference between tampons and cowboy hats?
A. Tampons are for pussies, Cowboy hats are for assholes

Q. What's a blondes favorite nursery rhyme?
A. Humpme Dumpme

Q. What does a screen door and a blonde have in common?
A. The more you bang it, the looser it gets!

Q. What do you do if a blonde throws a grenade at you?
A. Pull the pin and throw it back.

Q. What do you call it when a blonde dies her hair brunette?
A. Artificial intelligence.

Q. What's the difference between a blonde and a mosquito?
A. When you smack the mosquito it stops sucking!!

Q. What do you call a room full of feminists with yeast infections?
A. A wine and cheese party!

Q. What's the difference between a woman and a fridge?
A. A fridge doesn't fart when you pull your meat out!

Q. How do you get four old ladies to shout "Fuck"?
A. Get a fifth old lady to shout "Bingo!"

Q. What is the difference between a female snowman and a male snowman?
A. Snowballs

Q. What does the receptionist at the sperm clinic say to clients as they are leaving?
A. Thanks for coming.

and i didn't quite get these ones, maybe someone can clear it up:

Q. What's the difference between a group of blondes and a good magician?
A. The magician has a cunning array of stunts.

Q. What does a bull do to stay warm on a bitterly cold day?
A. He goes into the barn and slips into a nice warm "Jersey"

Written by Valentin B on 20.04.2011 at 18:33

Q. What's the difference between a group of blondes and a good magician?
A. The magician has a cunning array of stunts.

Replace cu and st... in cunning and stunts...

Written by Valentin B on 20.04.2011 at 18:33

Q. What does a bull do to stay warm on a bitterly cold day?
A. He goes into the barn and slips into a nice warm "Jersey"

Jersey is a kind of sweater and it is a name for breed of cattle...

Written by Golden Wing on 20.04.2011 at 21:48

Written by Valentin B on 20.04.2011 at 18:33

Q. What does a bull do to stay warm on a bitterly cold day?
A. He goes into the barn and slips into a nice warm "Jersey"

Jersey is a kind of sweater and it is a name for breed of cattle...

ah, so that was it.

did you like the overly mysoginistic sexist jokes?

I enjoyed it to the fullest, haha!

Written by Valentin B on 20.04.2011 at 22:09

did you like the overly mysoginistic sexist jokes?

Um, me is way too bashful to admit that I liked these jokes

Two eggs are being boiled together when one turns to the other and says "Can you see my crack?"

The other says "Stop it, I'm not even hard yet".

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he observed.
To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."
He turned to the second mom. "Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."
To the third mother, "You are obsessed with alcohol, your daughter is named Brandy"
At this point, the fourth mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, Dick, we're going home"

A knight was about to go on the crusades and decides to make sure no-one touches his woman while he is away. he sees a wandering torture mechanism salesman and asks to see his wares.
"i'm about to go to the crusades and i need something to protect my lady from my subjects!"
"well, try this"
he shows him a pair of thick golden chainmail panties with a big hole right in front of the pussy.
"nah, i don't think that will work"
"you ain't seen it in action yet, put the tip of your lance inside it"
he puts his lance inside and SNAP! there's a guilotine inside which could cut off anyone's manhood.
"that's perfect!" says the knight, buys the piece and gives it to his lady. he then leaves for the crusades.
5 years later he comes back, wounded and weary from all the fighting and incredibly curious to see if his device worked. He takes out all his subjects and undresses them. All had their dicks cut off, except for one.
He tortures and beheads everyone except for that one guy, and when he is done, he says to the last guy:
"you are my most loyal servant. even though everyone else was banging my woman, you refused to do so, and in gratitude, i hereby declare you to be the heir of my domain after i die, what's your name again?"
"Thteven, thire!"

Discussion in a shop:

Customer: gimme a bass amplifier, please.
Salesman : oo, your a musician?
C: yes !
S: and you're in a band?
C: yes!
S: and you must be the drummer, isn't that right?
C: yes, how did you knew?
S: because this is a TOY STORE!!!

Written by Irritable Ted on 23.01.2011 at 18:45

Gary Glitter is hoping that his favourite team, Aston Villa, get the signing of Robbie Keane during the transfer window.

It will mean that Villa's strikers will be Young, Bent and Keane.

fuck!! i was at a Nigel Kennedy concert last night volunteering. naturally i had backstage access and crossed paths with the little man once, who was wearing his silly raincoat and Villa jersey and was drunk out of his mind. i could have told it to his face but only last night while i was sitting in bed did i remembered this joke

Apologies in advance...

Why did the amp head find itself stranded?
Couldnt get itself a cab.

What did the snare drum say to the drummer?
Stop hitting on me!

What flower do you give a North African dictator?
A gadaffodil

The Edge walks into a bar
The Edge walks into a bar
The Edge walks into a bar
The Edge walks into a bar

So a man comes inside a bar.

No wait, it was a horse.

So a man comes inside a horse...

A man with a weak heart is lying in the hospital. Unbeknownst to him has he won one million. The relatives ask the doctor to carefully prepare the man in order to prevent him from having a heart attack that could be caused by the shock. The doctor enters the room and sits beside the patient's bed and asks: "What would you do if you won one thousand?"
"Well I think I would invite everyone to the bar and buy some drinks to all of you."
"What if the sum were one hundred thousand?"
"Oh, I would make a precious present for you and your wife, dear doctor."
"All right, what if we were speaking about one million?"
"I would give half to you."
The doctor dies of a heart attack.

So a seal walks into a club.

Written by Graveheart on 23.05.2011 at 02:18

So a seal walks into a club.

regardless of your opinion on animal cruelty, this one is fucking awesome.

Written by Ernis on 23.05.2011 at 13:15

Written by Valentin B on 23.05.2011 at 10:34

Written by Graveheart on 23.05.2011 at 02:18

So a seal walks into a club.

regardless of your opinion on animal cruelty, this one is fucking awesome.

That one I didn't get...

There you go

club (klb)
n.
1. A stout heavy stick, usually thicker at one end, suitable for use as a weapon; a cudgel.
...
7. A nightclub.
http://www.thefreedictionary.com/club

Written by Bas on 23.05.2011 at 14:04

There you go

club (klb)
n.
1. A stout heavy stick, usually thicker at one end, suitable for use as a weapon; a cudgel.
...
7. A nightclub.
http://www.thefreedictionary.com/club

I know what a club means. But in what context does a seal walk into a club (stick)?

Seals are hunted by getting their head squashed in with a club.

An 18-year-old girl tells her mum that she's pregnant. Shouting and crying, the mother says "What pig did that to you? I want to know!" The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later a Ferrari stops outside the house; a mature and distinguished man with grey hair and an Armani suit steps out of the car and knocks on the door. He sits in the living room and tells the girl's parents:

"Your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my family situation, but I'll take charge. I'll pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life. If a girl is born, I will bequeathe her two retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa and a £2,000,000 bank account. If it's a boy, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a £4,000,000 bank account. If it's twins they will receive a factory and £2,000,000 each. However, if there's a miscarriage, I'm not really sure what to do. What do you suggest?"

At which point, the girl's father who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and says "Then you shag her again!"

"Babe, am I the first man you ever slept with?"
"Of course you are, all the other men used to keep me awake all night."

Written by Graveheart on 23.05.2011 at 17:07

An 18-year-old girl tells her mum that she's pregnant.

Thanks... I loved this one!

Written by Ernis on 23.05.2011 at 14:38

Written by Bas on 23.05.2011 at 14:04

There you go

club (klb)
n.
1. A stout heavy stick, usually thicker at one end, suitable for use as a weapon; a cudgel.
...
7. A nightclub.
http://www.thefreedictionary.com/club

I know what a club means. But in what context does a seal walk into a club (stick)?

Lol'd.

Written by Kennoth on 23.05.2011 at 23:16

Written by Ernis on 23.05.2011 at 14:38

Written by Bas on 23.05.2011 at 14:04

There you go

club (klb)
n.
1. A stout heavy stick, usually thicker at one end, suitable for use as a weapon; a cudgel.
...
7. A nightclub.
http://www.thefreedictionary.com/club

I know what a club means. But in what context does a seal walk into a club (stick)?

Lol'd.

Sure... imagine a seal walking into a wooden stick. I don't speak English... can't expect me to understand that "walking into a club" can mean "getting hit by a club"... انگلیسی بسیار سخته

Written by Ernis on 23.05.2011 at 23:32

Written by Kennoth on 23.05.2011 at 23:16

Written by Ernis on 23.05.2011 at 14:38

Written by Bas on 23.05.2011 at 14:04

There you go

club (klb)
n.
1. A stout heavy stick, usually thicker at one end, suitable for use as a weapon; a cudgel.
...
7. A nightclub.
http://www.thefreedictionary.com/club

I know what a club means. But in what context does a seal walk into a club (stick)?

Lol'd.

Sure... imagine a seal walking into a wooden stick. I don't speak English... can't expect me to understand that "walking into a club" can mean "getting hit by a club"... انگلیسی بسیار سخته

You don't speak English? You were doing just fine now. What you meant was that it isn't your mother tongue, and neither is mine.

A drunk was walking around with a key in his hand, screaming "where is the car i left this key in?? where??"

he goes on and on and on until a policeman stops him and asks "look, stop shouting, someone stole your car, you're pathetic. can't you see your fly is open too?"

the drunk looks down in amazement. "and where is the bitch i left this dick in??? where??"

A man returns home late at night and discovers that someone has broken into his house. He immediately calls the police.
"Help me! There are robbers in my house. I see they have broken in, the garage door has been opened and there are voices inside."
The police department answers: "Unfortunately all our patrol cars are busy and we don't have anyone to send to your aid. Please try to call us back after about one hour."
The dude is disappointed, then waits for five minutes and makes another call to the police.
"Good evening. I just wanted to inform you that since you didn't have anyone to send to my aid, I entered myself and shot the two guys. So you can take your time and send the people to take away the bodies when you have free cars."

After a few minutes the sirens howl as cars with entire police squad and paramedics arrive.
"HANDS UP! WHERE ARE THE BODIES?!"

"Interesting... just few minutes ago you said you had nobody to be sent here..."